I awaken to a soft shifting against my back, and feel the warmth fall away from me. I sit up, and stare blearily into the darkness.

  “Sorry, Emmy.” My mom says. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “Where are you going?” I murmur.

  “Whoa…” She says softly. “Are you feeling better?”

  “Enough to speak…” I say softly, and then repeat myself. “Where are you going?”

  “Bathroom.” She says, but then sits down next to me. “I was anyway. Now, I want to find out what happened.”

  “Holly dumped me.” I say softly. “It came out of nowhere… She… She deadnamed me, and misgendered me… Told me I need to go back to being a boy…”

  “I’m so sorry.” My mom says, and wraps me into a hug.

  “I’ll be fine… eventually.” I mutter.

  My mom lets out a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to ask this, but I feel I need to. Just in case.” I look at her, and she continues. “Do you want to go back?”

  “Never!” I shout immediately. “Holly or no Holly, I am a girl! I am Emmy!”

  Mom holds me tight to her chest. “I love you, Princess.” She says. “Now, I really need to go to the bathroom before I wet your bed.”

  I giggle and let her up. She quickly walks out of the bedroom, and I watch the light click on. I don’t even remember being brought inside… Did Dad sleep alone tonight? I don’t have much more time to think about it, as my mom comes back into my room.

  “Do you want me to stay with you?” She asks.

  “Please…” I whimper. “I don’t want to be alone right now…”

  She yawns, and climbs back into my bed, before pulling my back into her chest. “Goodnight, Emmy. I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I say, and snuggle into her. “Goodnight.”

  ?????????????

  I awaken to a soft shoving back and forth. “Rise and shine, my beautiful princess.” A soft voice murmurs into my ear.

  “Good morning, Mom.” I say, with a yawn. “What time is it?”

  “Ten.” She says. “You slept for a very long time.”

  “I feel like I barely slept at all.” I say. “I kept waking up and just staring off into the darkness.”

  “You could have woken me up if you needed me.” She says.

  “I know.” I reply. “Your presence was enough… I… You helped ground me.”

  “I’m gd I could do that much.” She says. “I’ll be honest, I’m extremely angry with Holly right now.”

  I flinch slightly as she says my ex’s name. “Please don’t…” I say softly. “I don’t want to think about her.”

  “That’s completely fair.” She says. “Tell you what, go shower, I’ll make breakfast, and then we can do whatever you want until we have to leave for your appointment.”

  “Sounds good.” I murmur, and fully get up. “I’ll figure out something.”

  I grab my phone, walk into the bathroom, and pull my clothes off. The water starts out cold, and I use the time while it warms up to curate a short setlist for me to work out my energy. The water feels warm enough, so I press py and step inside.

  Heat fills my core, and I happily just soak and sing. After a few songs, one comes on with a guitar build that I really like. I decide to ignore the original lyrics, and sing my own over top.

  “The night is cold and empty, the silence fills the room! Pictures of us ughing are now shadows in the gloom! I thought we had forever, but forever came too soon! Now I’m left here wondering, how to heal this wound!”

  I smile as it actually works really well. I’d do the introductory riff slightly differently, and change the melody a bit, but the style is good, and the tempo is good. “And IIIIIIIII feel the tears start to fall! But IIIIIIIII won’t let them drown me out!”

  “Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa! My heart is breaking! Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa! The pain is overtaking! Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa! But I’ll rise from the ashes! Even though it crashes, I’ll find my way back!” The chorus comes out perfect, with maybe only minor changes needed.

  I start to sing along with the next verse, but nothing comes to mind. Tears fill my eyes and spill out into the tub, mixing with the water spraying down from the shower. I sigh and start washing my body. I really don’t want to deal with this right now.

  Once my shower is over, I dry off quickly and head to my room. I grab a pair of panties and my clean sleep set and throw them on. I’ll get dressed for real ter. My bed calls to me, and I sit down, unsure of what to do.

  This won’t stop me. I breathe. It hurts, it really hurts, but I won’t let her leaving me, stop me from being happy. It will take time, and I’ll be hurting for a while, but I will keep moving forwards. No matter what.

  First step, HRT. I sigh as I think about this. I need to talk about this with someone friendly… I open my phone and start to text Caleb, but stop myself. He wouldn’t get it. I briefly consider reaching out to Aiden, but Holly said ‘Aiden and May were right.’ Which means I can’t go to either of them.

  With a heavy heart, I open my blocked list and unblock Paige.

  ‘Hey… Do you have a bit to talk?’

  Paige’s return message is nearly immediate.

  ‘Hey! I tried calling you st night, but it went straight to voicemail. Was everything alright?’

  ‘No. It’s a part of what I need to tell you. Can you call now?’

  My phone rings, and I immediately answer it.

  “Hey, Paige…” I say softly.

  “Hi, Emmy…” She replies. “You sound like hell… Sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” I respond with a soft chuckle. “I feel like it.”

  “So, what happened?” Paige asks.

  “Holly and I broke up…” I say softly. “I… God… I had no idea she was so awful.”

  “Oh.” Is all she says. “What happened?”

  “I don’t want to even think about it.” I say. “She clearly never actually loved me. I just need time to get over it.”

  “I get it.” Paige says, her voice light. “Was that what you wanted to talk about?”

  “No.” I say quickly. “I have my HRT appointment ter today.”

  “That’s great news!” She shouts happily. “I’m so happy for you!”

  “Thanks.” I say softly. “I’m scared, to be honest. I worry that they’ll find a reason to not let me start it, or that it won't affect me very well.”

  “If your parents are on board, then they should be fine with it.” Paige expins. “As for how well they work, that’s based on genetics. You’ll end up looking more simir to your mom. That’s also how you can judge things like breast growth.”

  “Yeah, no thanks.” I say quickly. “I’d rather be surprised than have to think about her… You know…”

  “Well. If you want my opinion, I think you’ll end up with around C cups.” She says teasingly.

  “Paige!!!!!” I ugh.

  She giggles brightly into the mic. “Sorry, I had to tease you a little.”

  “You made me ugh…” I say softly, and then affect a joking menacing tone to my voice. “So I’ll let that slide… this time…”

  Paige ughs even harder at this. “You’re so cute, Emmy.”

  “Thanks.” I reply.

  “Would you um…” She stammers. “Would you want to meet up this week? Get coffee or something and just talk?”

  “I’d like that.” I say with a smile.

  “Emmy! Breakfast!” My mom shouts through my door.

  “Hey, I gotta go…”

  “Breakfast?” Paige says with a ugh.

  “Breakfast, yeah…” I say awkwardly.

  “Just text me when you can, and try and call me ter tonight. I want to talk more.” She says.

  “I’ll try.” I say. “Talk to you ter.”

  “Talk to you ter.” She says, and then hangs up.

  I head into the dining room, and see two ptes already on the table. Atop the ptes is a delicious looking omelet, roasted potatoes, bacon, and a pancake. I sit down and smile at my mom, but she speaks before I can.

  “The bacon is pnt based.” She says. “You can eat it.”

  I smile warmly at her, and hug her tightly. “Thank you.”

  “No problem.” She says, and takes a bite from the bacon on her pte. “Whoa… That’s really good!”

  “You gonna be joining the darkside with me?” I tease.

  “I have thought about it.” She says honestly. “It would be nice to have another mother daughter connection…”

  “Mom…” I say, and squeeze her hand. “Not that I don’t appreciate all this, but I’m worried you might be trying too hard.”

  “You may be right…” She says softly. “I just want to be a good mom to you, and make up for all the years you lost trying to figure this out.”

  “I get it.” I say with a smile. “Believe me, I do. I just need to make sure you understand that I’m happy, and I know you love me, regardless of how much money you spend on me, or the things you go so far out of your way to do. Just be here for me. That’s all I need.”

  Mom has to look away for a moment, and I hear a soft sniffle from her. “I love you, Emmy…” She says softly. “God… You’re growing up so fast.”

  I squeeze her shoulder, but don’t say anything more. I take my time eating the delicious breakfast, and regret the remaining potatoes and pancake left on the table. Oh well. I ate most of it.

  With that done, I smile at my mom. “You said we could do whatever I wanted before my appointment, right?”

  “Yes.” She says. “Whatever you want.”

  “Go through my old clothes with me.” I say. “Help me pick things to donate, keep, or modify.”

  “Modify?” My mom asks. “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve seen some cute shirts that look like they’re made of old shirts.” I expin. “Like I saw one girl with a t-shirt that had the colr and sleeves cut off, and it sat on her frame so well. It was really hot.”

  “Emmy!” My mom shouts.

  “What?” I ask, confused. “Am I not allowed to notice when people are attractive?”

  “I mean…” My mom says softly. “You are… I just. Nevermind. Want to go get started now?”

  “Yes please!” I say with a smile. “Where are your fabric scissors?”

  My mom lets out a deep sigh. “Why do I have the feeling that I’m going to regret this?”

  “I’m not sure.” I say with a bright smile. “Because I have the feeling that this is an amazing idea!”

  I head for my room, and my mom sets off to find her scissors. The first thing I do is pull all the clothes out of my dresser, and set them in piles on my bed. My boys underwear goes on the floor, as well as all my boy socks.

  “What are these?” My mom asks as she walks in, trash bags and scissors in hand.

  “Trash or donation.” I say, as I start on the pants.

  I end up pulling out three bck denim pants, and donating all the blue ones. One of the pairs I’m keeping I make small cuts along the front of it, to replicate the distressed look. One of the other pairs is not skinny, so I chop off the legs really close to crotch height, and turn them into shorts. The final pair is skinny, so I decide to leave it untouched.

  “I see what you mean by modification.” My mom says with a ugh as she looks at them.

  “Some of these clothes can still be cute!” I enthuse. “Just you wait!”

  I start sorting through my shirts, putting the pin and me ones in the donation pile, and keeping the ones that can be made into cute muscle shirts or crop tops. Near the middle of the pile, I pull out a small white tank top.

  Oh… I think, as I hold it up. “We should probably bring this back to her…” I say softly.

  “Yeah.” My mom says as she takes it from my hand. “We need to go there on the way to your appointment anyways, you left your shoes there.”

  “That would expin why my feet are so sore.” I say, trying very hard to push down the feelings that rise to the surface when I think about her.

  “Is there anything else that belongs to her?” My mom asks.

  “Uh…” I said slowly. “Brown pants, a couple pairs of underwear…” I pause as the st two items pop into my head. “The choker, and this ring…” I say softly. “I really don’t want to give the ring back… I still have hope that she’ll take me back.”

  “I know, honey.” My mom says, and kisses my forehead. “It’s best to give her everything back though. If she paid for it, it belongs to her.”

  “I know.” I say miserably, while fingering the ring. “Can I still wear it? Just until we get there.”

  “I suppose so…” My mom says softly. “I’m sorry, Emmy.”

  “It’s okay.” I say, my words coming out hollow. “I’ll get over it, eventually.”

  We continue sorting the piles and after a moment my mom speaks up. “Stop modifying them now.” She says. “You can do that ter. For now let's get everything into its respective pile.”

  “You’re right, Mom.” I say, and set my just barely completed muscle shirt on top of the keep pile. “I’ll work on sorting.”

  I end up choosing to keep more than a couple of my old shirts, and a hoodie or two. Once we’re done, I go to reach for the scissors, but my mom stops me.

  “We’ve got to get going.” She says. “Get dressed.”

  “Okay.” I say with a smile.

  Once my mom is out of my room and the door is shut, I throw on a bra, enjoying the added curvature it gives me. I immediately decide to ruin the look by throwing on the white muscle shirt I made earlier.

  I finish the outfit with a pair of ripped jeans, and go to reach for my canvas high-tops when I remember where they are. Right… At least I’ll get to talk to her again… Try and get her to take me back…

  I throw on my new combat boots, and head to the bathroom to do my makeup. The routine is easy for me, and once I’m done, I try my hand at styling my hair, and am able to get it fairly close to how my mom did it st night. I really like this style.

  I stare at myself in the mirror for a moment, enjoying how I look when all dolled up. Hot and sexy are definitely more accurate terms for this outfit. With everything done, I head out to the living room.

  “Alright.” My mom says, with the bundle of clothes I need to return, minus the ring, in hand. “Let’s get this done quickly, get to your appointment, and then have a te lunch ssh early dinner, sound good?”

  I take in a deep breath, and steel myself for confronting Holly. “Sounds good.”