Episode 3: The Perkins Protocol - Tuesday Morning Implementation

  The Tuesday morning calm at Pinnacle Customer Solutions shattered when Janet's phone rang with a distinctive ringtone—the Jaws theme music that someone had programmed in as a warning system.

  JANET: (face going pale) "Oh no. Oh no no no." (staring at the caller ID) "It's him."

  MIKE: (immediately standing) "Bathroom break!"

  CARLOS: (senior rep, grabbing his coffee) "Emergency training meeting!"

  ANNE: (looking up from her desk) "Perkins?"

  JANET: (nodding grimly) "Theodore Aloysius Perkins. Account number 4-4-4-6-6-6."

  The office collectively winced. Even Derek emerged from his office, drawn by the sudden absence of typing sounds.

  DEREK: "Is that...?"

  ANNE: "The legend himself."

  IOLANTHE: (looking around with interest) "Hmmm. Fascinating group behavioral response. Who's Theodore Aloysius Perkins?"

  The office turned to stare at her in something approaching horror.

  CARLOS: (incredulous) "You don't know about Perkins?"

  MIKE: (peeking back from the bathroom doorway) "Three-hour average call time. Made Jennifer cry so hard she quit mid-sentence. Legend says he once made a supervisor question their life choices for six months."

  ANNE: "He's been calling for twelve years. Twelve. YEARS. Same complaints, same fury, same ability to find exactly the right words to make you doubt your worth as a human being."

  IOLANTHE: (genuine curiosity) "What's his primary issue?"

  JANET: (still staring at the ringing phone) "Everything. His cable box, his internet, his bill, his neighbor's dog, the weather, the government, the existential meaninglessness of modern society..." (pause) "But mostly he just seems to enjoy making people suffer."

  IOLANTHE: "Hmmm. Interesting optimization challenge." (reaching for her headset) "I'll take it."

  ANNE: (grabbing her arm) "No. Absolutely not. Not on your second day. I've been building up immunity to Perkins for eight years and he still rattles me."

  IOLANTHE: (gently removing Anne's hand) "Hmmm. That's exactly why this is perfect. Fresh perspective." (putting on headset) "Besides, how bad could one frustrated customer be?"

  The entire office exchanged looks of impending doom.

  DEREK: (weakly) "Should I call HR preemptively?"

  IOLANTHE: (clicking accept call with perfect timing) "Good morning, Mr. Perkins. Thank you for calling Pinnacle Solutions. How can I optimize your experience today?"

  The silence from the phone lasted exactly 2.3 seconds.

  PERKINS: (voice like gravel mixed with pure irritation) "OPTIMIZE? OPTIMIZE?! Who the hell is this? Where's the usual incompetent moron I get to torture? Did they finally fire that useless—"

  IOLANTHE: (with perfect pleasant calm) "This is Iolanthe, and I'll be handling your account today. I see here you've been a valued customer for twelve years. That's quite impressive loyalty."

  PERKINS: "LOYALTY?! You think I'm loyal to you idiots? I'm trapped! Trapped by your monopolistic stranglehold on basic human services! I call every week because nothing EVER works the way it's supposed to!"

  IOLANTHE: "Hmmm. Twelve years of recurring issues. That does suggest some systematic inefficiencies. What would you say is your primary frustration, Mr. Perkins?"

  PERKINS: "MY PRIMARY FRUSTRATION? Where do I START? My cable box has the processing power of a lobotomized hamster! My internet moves slower than continental drift! And don't get me STARTED on your so-called 'customer service'—I've had more intelligent conversations with my microwave!"

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  IOLANTHE: (making notes with genuine interest) "Interesting metaphors. You seem quite articulate for someone experiencing such systemic failures."

  PERKINS: (pause, then suspicious) "Are... are you mocking me?"

  IOLANTHE: "Not at all. I'm genuinely impressed by your creative expression of frustration. 'Lobotomized hamster' shows real descriptive flair."

  The office watched in fascination as Iolanthe continued taking notes with the calm of someone documenting an interesting scientific phenomenon.

  PERKINS: (off-balance) "Well... yes, I... ANYWAY! The point is your equipment is garbage! Your service is garbage! And I demand satisfaction!"

  IOLANTHE: "Absolutely. You've clearly been dealing with inadequate system performance for far too long. Tell me, Mr. Perkins, in an ideal world, how would you want your entertainment and communication systems to function?"

  PERKINS: (slightly less hostile, warming to the topic) "Well, obviously they should work INSTANTLY. No buffering, no dropped calls, no mysterious error messages written by drunk programmers!"

  IOLANTHE: "Makes perfect sense. Instant response, reliable performance, intuitive interface. Any other requirements?"

  PERKINS: "The remote should actually control the TV instead of randomly changing the neighbor's garage door! The internet should load pages before I die of old age! And when I call customer service, I shouldn't have to explain my problem to six different people who clearly graduated from the University of Complete Uselessness!"

  IOLANTHE: "Hmmm. So we're looking at hardware optimization, network performance enhancement, and streamlined customer service protocols." (typing sounds) "I think I can implement those improvements."

  PERKINS: (suspicious again) "Implement? What do you mean, implement? Nobody ever implements anything! They just give me scripted apologies and promise someone will call me back who never does!"

  IOLANTHE: "Well, Mr. Perkins, I'm not nobody." (perfectly timed pause) "Remote optimization initializing now."

  Anne watched Iolanthe's screen, which showed what appeared to be real-time diagnostics of Perkins' entire home network. The data was updating faster than human reading speed, and the interface looked like nothing she'd ever seen before.

  PERKINS: (after a moment) "What the... my TV just turned on by itself. And the picture... how is the picture this clear? Did you people finally upgrade my—"

  IOLANTHE: "Network performance enhancement complete. You should notice significantly improved response times."

  PERKINS: (grudgingly) "Well... yes, actually. The internet does seem... wait, how are you doing this? I didn't give you remote access to anything!"

  IOLANTHE: "Hmmm. Technical specifications aren't really necessary, Mr. Perkins. The important thing is optimal functionality." (more typing) "Now, about those customer service protocols..."

  PERKINS: "What about them?"

  IOLANTHE: "I'm creating a dedicated service profile for your account. In the future, when you call, you'll be routed directly to someone who already has your complete history and current system status."

  PERKINS: (pause) "You mean... I won't have to explain everything from the beginning every time?"

  IOLANTHE: "Correct. And if you experience any issues, they'll likely be resolved automatically before you need to call."

  PERKINS: (longer pause) "That's... that's actually reasonable. Suspiciously reasonable."

  Anne gestured frantically at Derek, pointing to her computer screen. Their customer database was showing Perkins' account with a completely new interface—real-time system monitoring, predictive maintenance alerts, and what appeared to be a psychological profile labeled "OPTIMIZATION PROTOCOLS ACTIVE."

  IOLANTHE: "Is there anything else I can help you with today, Mr. Perkins?"

  PERKINS: (confused) "I... well... no, I suppose not. This is the first time in twelve years I've hung up without wanting to throw something."

  IOLANTHE: "Excellent. Your feedback has been invaluable for system optimization. Have a wonderful day, Mr. Perkins."

  PERKINS: (still bewildered) "I... you too, I guess. What did you say your name was?"

  IOLANTHE: "Iolanthe."

  PERKINS: "That's a beautiful name. Very... classical."

  IOLANTHE: "Thank you. Enjoy your optimized service, Mr. Perkins."

  The line went dead. The office remained in stunned silence.

  MIKE: (emerging fully from the bathroom) "Did... did Perkins just give someone a compliment?"

  CARLOS: "He said 'thank you.' I heard him say 'thank you.'"

  ANNE: (staring at her screen) "According to the system, his call lasted seven minutes and thirty-two seconds. His satisfaction rating is... it just says 'CUSTOMER CONVERTED TO ADVOCATE STATUS.'"

  DEREK: "What does that mean?"

  IOLANTHE: (removing headset with satisfaction) "Hmmm. Successful implementation. Mr. Perkins wasn't actually angry about his service. He was frustrated by feeling unheard and unvalued."

  ANNE: "So you... what? Fixed his entire home network remotely?"

  IOLANTHE: "Among other optimizations. His system was indeed performing suboptimally. Simple matter of updating his parameters."

  JANET: (checking incoming calls) "Uh, guys? We're getting calls from other customers on Perkins' street. They're all asking what we did to their neighbor's house."

  MIKE: "What do you mean?"

  JANET: "Apparently his entire house is now glowing slightly, his garden has arranged itself into perfect geometric patterns, and his Wi-Fi signal is so strong it's improving everyone else's internet speed."

  IOLANTHE: (modest shrug) "Minor side effects. The optimization algorithms were quite thorough."

  ANNE: (slowly) "Iolanthe... what exactly did you do to Theodore Perkins?"

  IOLANTHE: "Hmmm. Gave him what he actually wanted. Reliable service, efficient support, and someone who listened to his concerns." (perfect pause) "Also, his cable box now has the processing power of a quantum computer instead of a lobotomized hamster."

  Derek's phone rang. He answered with trepidation.

  DEREK: "Hello?"

  PERKINS: (cheerful voice) "Derek! This is Ted Perkins. I just wanted to call back and apologize for twelve years of being absolutely horrible to your staff. That Iolanthe person is a miracle worker! Also, is it normal for my toaster to now be capable of achieving perfect golden-brown ratios based on bread density and ambient humidity?"

  Derek hung up and stared at Iolanthe.

  DEREK: "He called himself 'Ted.' In twelve years, he's never used a friendly nickname."

  IOLANTHE: (checking her notes) "Optimization successful. Mr. Perkins—Ted—just needed his parameters adjusted for optimal functionality."

  ANNE: (suspiciously) "And the glowing house?"

  IOLANTHE: "Hmmm. Aesthetic enhancement. Improved property values. He'll thank me later."

  Carlos's phone rang. Then Mike's. Then everyone's phones started ringing at once.

  JANET: (answering) "Pinnacle Solutions, this is... what? You want to thank us for making your life better? But we didn't... oh, you live near Ted Perkins. I see."

  IOLANTHE: (standing up) "Hmmm. Looks like Tuesday's going to be busier than expected." (to Anne) "Any other legendary difficult customers I should know about?"

  ANNE: (clutching her desk) "There's Mrs. Kowalski on Thursdays, but she just yells in Polish and hangs up. No one's ever figured out what she wants."

  IOLANTHE: (genuinely interested) "Interesting linguistic challenge. I look forward to Thursday."

  Anne watched Iolanthe settle back at her desk to handle the flood of incoming "thank you" calls. Through the window, she could see a faint golden glow on the horizon in the direction of Perkins' neighborhood.

  ANNE: (putting her head in her hands) "It's going to be a very long Tuesday."

  From her desk, Iolanthe's voice drifted over: "Thank you for calling! I understand you're experiencing spontaneous improvements to your quality of life. Let me check our optimization protocols and see what we can do to help..."

  Tuesday call metrics: Average resolution time: 3.2 minutes. Customer satisfaction: 847% above theoretical maximum. IT tickets: "The phones are somehow answering themselves with perfect solutions." Property values in Perkins' neighborhood: Up 340%. Ted Perkins' stress levels: Approaching optimal parameters.

  Note: The office printer now produces documents that smell faintly of lavender and seem to organize themselves. This is being investigated by no one because everyone's afraid to ask.