CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: Day PyersAll twelve of the contestants got changed and assembled, as prompted, in the main filming area of Casa Del Garden.

  Which, naturally, came to a bit of a shock to eight of them.

  VICTORIA: “Of course, it’s a little Reality TV cliche to introduce other contestants in the middle of the game, and I’m thinking to myself, is there another, secret Casa Del Garden somewhere in Guadajara or something, and they’re just merging the tribes?”Erin and Jamie stood in front of the contestants, who barely had time to shower and change into their girl clothes.

  “Right, I see that everyone’s here,” said Erin. “So, you’re probably wondering what this next challenge is about. And who these four lovely people among you are.”

  Jamie stood in front of the monitor, while it dispyed a Ken-Burns-esque slideshow of various pictures of transgender people throughout history, and she quickly got into exposition mode.

  “World Professional Association for Transgender Health - or WPATH - recommended a ‘real-life experience’ or a ‘real-life test’ be administered before trans women - and trans men - could access gender affirming healthcare, including hormone repcement therapy. This so-called real-life test basically required transgender people to not only come out of the closet and live as openly transgender for a period of time, no matter how unsafe that might be for them, but also allowed them to be judged by healthcare professionals and be told, quite frankly, that they weren’t ‘trans enough’ to access the healthcare they needed.”

  “Needless to say,” said Erin, taking over from Jamie, “this was complete B.S. But it was part of WPATH’s Standards of Care document all the way until September of 2022 - only two years ago. So for many transgender people even today, they had to go through that humiliation.”

  “We’re not going to submit you to that,” said Jamie. “But we felt you should have a taste of that unpleasantness to get the true transgender experience. This is why we have invited five people - a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a general practitioner, a nurse practitioner, and a podiatrist, and they will attempt to discern if you are an,” and here Jamie gave exaggerated finger quotes,“‘actual trans woman’ or if you are merely a contestant on a reality show.”

  “Any questions so far?” asked Erin.

  Eine raised her hand. “Yes. Why the podiatrist?”

  “The proctologist wasn’t avaible, so we went with our second choice,” said Jamie.

  LEIA: “Ba-dum-ching!” “Now, the medical professionals do not know who the contestants are, nor do they know how many contestants there are versus people who already identify as trans women. So to give you a sporting chance, we introduced some decoys,” said Erin. “Hello day-pyers! When I call your name, could you introduce yourselves? Marissa?”

  “Hello,” said a short chubby woman in fnnel and jeans, with what were clearly keys hanging from a carabiner through a belt loop. “I’m Marissa Workman, I’m from Reno, Nevada, where I work as a bckjack dealer”

  “Ashlyn?”

  “Hello, I’m Ashlyn Webb,” said a tall person in a sharply cut men’s suit with long purple hair, “I’m from Brookline, Massachusetts, where I study w.”

  “Pau?”

  “Hello, I’m Pau Ferrell,” said a woman in a long sequined dress, wig, and impeccable makeup. “I’m an undergraduate at Cascadia College in Washington State, studying linguistics.”

  “And Angie.”

  “Hello. I’m Angie Wall,” said a woman in a blouse and capris. “I’m a garden and ndscape professional from Ridgewood, New Jersey.”

  “Thank you, day pyers,” said Erin. “Here’s how our game will work. Each of you will spend 15 minutes with each one of our medical professionals, who will then try to determine who among you are trans women and who among you are contestants. Our day pyers have been sworn to tell only the truth - the rest of you, you can lie, cheat, steal, do whatever it takes to get assessed as a trans woman.”

  “So, you want us to act,” said Victoria. She smiled in pyfully malicious glee. “Eeeeexcellent.”

  “For each constant that gets assessed as a,” again Jamie’s finger quotes came out, “‘bona fide trans woman’, we’ll add 1000 per assessment to the pot, as well as give you a personal prize of 200 for each professional you convince.”

  “We’re calling it, ‘the lying game,’” said Erin.

  “I know all there is to know about the lying game,” said Jamie. “I’ve had my share of the lying game.”

  Behind the cameras, Sam actually had to hold her nose to keep from ughing and ruining the take. The pun was just so horrible.

  Some of the contestants groaned, while Erin gave Jamie a cheeky look. Now she knew why Jamie insisted in rehearsal on it being called ‘the lying game.’

  “Really?” said Erin.

  “What, did I just date myself?” said Jamie.

  “With a Boy George reference? Yes. Yes you did.” Erin then turned back to the contestants. “You have two and a half hours to prepare. You can use that time to dress up nicer, put on makeup, do whatever you think you can in order to get the assessment. Jamie and I will be prepping the medical professionals while you get ready.”

  The television monitor swapped over to a countdown clock.

  “The clock is ticking,” said Erin.

  ***

  Pranav and Sheri were in the other room, keeping the doctors and nurse company, plying them with coffee and pastry while they waited for their turn in front of the cameras.

  The psychologist, Dr. Landry Dixon, the oldest of the group, grumbled as the aforementioned pastry crumbled into the aforementioned coffee.

  “There’s got to be something freudian about dipping your danish,” quipped Dr. Jasmine Saunders, the psychiatrist.

  “I’m just nervous. Have any of you done one of these before?” said Dr. Dixon.

  Dr. Connor Finbar, the podiatrist, responded with: “Oh yes, one time a patient came in compining about a throbbing pain in the left ankle. Turned out to be ankle-based gender dysphoria.”

  Dr. Lyric Young, the GP, snickered at that, as did Lynn Hartman, the nurse practitioner.

  Dr. Dixon wasn’t ughing.

  “There’s a reason this is outdated medicine. It’s harmful to people. It really is.” He put his coffee to the side and grabbed another danish from the center of the table.

  “I had a patient, early in my career. In hindsight he was obviously transgender, used to dress in his wife’s clothing. And I tried to be open and supportive, but a lot of my messages were, ‘but you love your wife,’ ‘but you aren’t gay,’ things like that. I didn’t know. But I do now, and I know I was a bck mark in that person’s life.”

  “Yeah, I had a psychologist like that,” said Sheri. “I remember I brought my feelings up with him - I would have been, what, maybe thirteen, fourteen? And he told me ‘not to dwell on it.’”

  “Your psychologist told you not to dwell on it?” asked Dr. Young, incredulously.

  “Should have been a red fg for both of us. Funnily enough he was very good otherwise. Helped coach me through some of the toughest times of my life, just… completely ignorant about trans people. It was the mid-nineties, you know? He basically said: ‘you can go down that road, but you have to be very sure, because surgeries are non-reversible. It’s easier to dig a hole than build a pole.’ No mention of social roles, no mention of HRT - I’m pretty sure he didn’t even know that HRT was a thing that existed. This was just before the Internet started moving into people’s homes, you understand.”

  Sheri took a sip of her coffee and patted the back of Dr. Dixon’s hand.

  “The point is, you couldn’t have known. You did the best you could with the information you had. Maybe you ended up inadvertently standing in their way, but you were trying to help.”

  “I know that. Rationally. But if the mind was rational, I wouldn’t have a career,” said Dr. Dixon.

  Erin, Sam, and Jamie came in.

  “I think we’re all set up for you,” said Sam. “If you’re ready?”

  The medical professionals all nodded and headed towards the individual rooms where the contestants would be waiting.

  ***

  As the deadline had approached, Leia had already done her makeup, hair, and put on a nice, simple bck dress with pantyhose and ft shoes, and was currently finishing up studying the chat logs of a discord server that had a lot of trans women on it.

  “I don’t know, Eine. I don’t understand half of these in-jokes - they keep referring to some sort of basement? And there’s this IKEA plushie? And occasionally pnt aliens? But I think I’ve learned enough to fake my way through an interview.”

  Eine was pacing back and forth in her room.

  “Eine, why are you nervous? You’re going to be fine. And if you keep walking like that, you’ll sweat, and your makeup is going to run.”

  “Good point,” said Eine, who ran into the bathroom and applied a makeup fixing spray.

  “Leia?” she called from the bathroom. “Do you think I should stuff some washcloths into my bra? To make my chest look boobier?”

  “What does it matter, Eine? You’re not actually getting evaluated for anything real. It’s a game of ‘stump the shrinks’.”

  “I know, I know, but what if… what if they like… what if…”

  Eine started to bite her nails, but as she bit into them, she remembered she had painted them with nail polish, and stopped, settling for fpping her hands and hopping up and down, nervously.

  There was a knock on their door, and they heard Sam’s voice. “Eine, Leia, this is your two minute warning, you need to start the challenge now.”

  “Be right out!” yelled Leia. Then she turned back to Eine.

  “Eine, you’re going to be fine, okay. Absolutely fine. Just… the worst that can happen is that they figure out you’re a contestant.”

  Eine wasn’t reassured by that at all. As if there was something worse they could figure out about her.

  ***

  “So, Mara, how long have you known you’re a trans woman?”

  “Since I was a small child,” Mara said, saying what she expected a trans woman to say. “I used to dress up in my mother’s clothing, put on makeup, you know. The usual.”

  “Uh hunh. Did you ever go to school in women’s clothing?”

  “Yeah, I felt pretty.”

  “You did? Okay. How did the other children react?”

  “Oh, you know, the usual.”

  “And that would be?”

  “It wasn’t a big deal. I mean, there was one kid who insisted that he was a cat and the school got a litter box installed for him, so you know, pretty standard California public school.”

  “You didn’t experience any backsh from the other students or from the faculty?”

  “Are you kidding? They bent over backwards to make sure that I would be able to use the bathroom. I used to get my estrogen from the school nurse.”

  ***

  “If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been on estrogen?”

  “I would say I’ve been on estrogen for about… five or six years,” said Rose, tapping her foot impatiently.

  “So you started as a teenager?”

  “I… through DIY, pretty much.”

  “And how do your parents deal with you being a trans woman?”

  “My parents don’t even believe I’m trans.”

  “Really, even with all the physical changes?”

  “Trust me. They really can be annoyingly stubborn.”

  ***

  “I knew I was different from the other children by my adolescence. I had my awakening, as it were, pying Lady MacBeth in my high school py,” said Victoria.

  “They were okay with letting you py a woman’s role?”

  “Men traditionally pyed women’s roles at the Globe Theatre in the bard’s day! Also, it was an all-boys’ school,” said Victoria. Then she raised a single finger for dramatic emphasis. “Or so they thought! Muahaha!”

  “Do you remember any lines?”

  Victoria immediately stood, and proceeded to give a powerful(ly overacted) performance as Lady MacBeth.

  “The raven himself… is HOARSE! That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan…” Victoria curled her hand into a fist and gred at it. “...under MY battlements.”

  Victoria then leapt forward, grabbing a nearby pen, removing the little pstic cap as if unsheathing a dagger.

  “Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts! UNSEX ME HERE! And fill me from the CROWN to the toe top full of direst CRUELTY!”

  Victoria dramatically threw the pen-dagger down to the floor in a swift motion.

  And then, she curtseyed, and took a seat.

  ***

  “I don’t, uh, I don’t know,” said Jane.

  “You don’t know when you realized you were a trans woman?”

  “I mean, I, uh, started with little things, like, uh, nail polish and…” Jane looked around… “interior decorating and it was just like… um, it sorta… like, I’m in a maid uniform, wearing heels, and… um, thinking, ‘boy, it would really be great to have a vagina.’ It wasn’t like an all-at-once thing, you know.”

  “So, you… first identified as non-binary and realized you leaned towards the feminine over time?”

  “Sure. Let’s go with that.”

  ***

  “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me,” said Gucci.

  “Uh, I just asked you where you got your nickname, Ms. Guthrie.”

  “Are you sure you really want to know? It’s a tale that has been known to drive men mad.”

  “Maybe we should just move on–”

  “It was in the darkest days of the pandemic, where we were all watching ‘Tiger King’ and learning to make sourdough. The Moderna corporation was experimenting with ways to contain or defeat the virus. Genetic experiments, grotesque and inhumane, that were outwed by most nations, but not on the isnd of Vanuatu. Of course I’m getting ahead of myself.”

  Gucci stood up and pced a foot on the chair, and waved her hand for emphasis as she painted a word picture.

  “I found myself stranded on the shores of Vanuatu after my ill-fated attempt to make the world’s fastest speedboat with the help of a jet-assisted-takeoff-engine and a hollowed out shark carcass. It was there that I met a British gentleman who introduced himself as ‘Mr. Edwin Pilkington Jr’ who needed volunteers to track down the indigenous flying fox, pteropus anetianus. Unbeknownst to me, it was theorized that the DNA extracted from these creatures could produce a salve that would leech the virus out through the mucous membranes located in the mouth, nose, eyelids, and urethra.”

  “Okay, I think I’m going to stop you there. Now - there are no wrong answers, just say the first thing that comes into your mind.”

  “Okay.”

  “Are you a trans woman?”

  “No. Oh shit, I mean yes!”

  ***

  “So, Diana, would you consider yourself a trans woman, or do you just like wearing clothing traditionally made for women?”

  “What’s the diff?” Diana said, blowing a bubble with her gum and letting it pop.

  ***

  “I honestly don’t think I’m going to be able to do a good job of convincing you I’m one of the real trans women.”

  Leia was rexed but a bit resigned. She was no Victoria, (thankfully,) but she knew how to be confident with telling a tall tale under scrutiny.

  “I mean, none of the trans women I’ve met are exactly the same, I think I might be on the butch-er side? I just… maybe I should ‘downgrade’ to they/them non-binary? And then I think to myself, wait a minute, if I wasn’t a trans woman, would I consider changing my identity to non-binary as ‘downgrading’ in the first pce?”

  “Honestly, I’m not sure I should be doing this, but the production team promised they’d blur my face and change my voice. I mean, I’m worried that if people back home know that I’m trans, I’m likely to get shot. And I don’t want to get any holes drilled in me.”

  A comedic beat.

  “‘Cept the one, of course.”

  ***

  “Eine?”

  Eine was curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth on the little chair that she was provided.

  “Eine, are you okay?”

  Eine vigorously nodded, and then, equally vigorously, shook her head.

  “I’m so nervous,” she squeaked.

  “Don’t be. It’s just a game,” said the doctor. “Don’t like doctors much?”

  “No… not really. I mean, medical doctors are okay, but you’re judging me right now, and I just… don’t like it when people judge me. Like, I know you’re not mean judging me, you’re like, actually trying to solve this question but, it’s just… what if I say the wrong thing? What if I mess it all up?”

  “Forget the game, then. Just talk to me, tell me what’s on your mind. Maybe if you lied down, it would help? Have you talked to a doctor about this before?”

  “No. I… I don’t trust… I don’t trust that if I open up too much, I’ll say the wrong thing. I worry that they’ll think… that they’ll like, put me in a looney bin or something. Sorry.”

  “I’m not going to do that, Eine.”

  “You sure?”

  “You’d have to say something really, really crazy for me to even consider involuntary commitment. And I mean really crazy.”

  “Have you ever committed a patient before?”

  The doctor blinked.

  “Eine… I’m a podiatrist.”

  ***

  After the evaluations were done, Erin and Jamie were interviewing the medical professionals as a panel, to get their thoughts on the process.

  “It was weird,” said Mrs. Hartmann. “Medically, we’re very much in the ‘first do no harm’ camp, but here we’re expected to, well, do harm.”

  “I mean, there’s a reason why these are outdated practices,” said Dr. Dixon, the psychologist. “First off, merely wanting gender-affirming care is very powerful evidence in and of itself that gender-affirming care will help the patient. As a general rule, people who aren’t trans aren’t interested in pursuing gender-affirming care.”

  “Well, unless they’re on a reality TV show and doing this for money,” Jamie pointed out.

  “Even then!” said Dr. Young, the GP. “I get that the contestants are volunteers, and well compensated, but this is a very strange experiment on the very borderline of ethics.”

  “I have to follow that up,” said Erin. “Because even though it’s a small role, the five of you are participating in this, despite your ethical concerns.”

  Dr. Dixon leaned back to address the group. “I hope you don’t mind, but I think I speak for all of us, and please let me know if this isn’t the case, but…”

  He turned back to Erin.

  “... as unscientific as a reality show is, your contestants are volunteers. And while this isn’t a rigorous scientific study into the effects of HRT, it is a way to increase scientific literacy into these issues. There isn’t enough funding or research into transgender issues as a whole, but there’s even less scientific communication to people as to what being transgender is.”

  Dr. Saunders, the psychiatrist, nodded in agreement. “I can’t tell you how many of my patients presented with symptoms that were, in hindsight, gender dysphoria, but they never even considered it because there was no… media, no nothing that expined what was happening to them. Someone with cerebral palsy can look at Walter White Jr., and say: ‘that seems like what I have.’ Or someone with OCD can look at Adrian Monk.”

  “I was telling everyone back in the dining room area - I’ve misdiagnosed patients because even I couldn’t recognize those signs early in my career,” said Dr. Dixon. “And I’m supposed to have been the expert.”

  “Obviously, my field isn’t exactly relevant,” said Dr. Finbar, the podiatrist. “But I will say that no patient has ever come to me not knowing what a foot was. And no podiatrist in the st, say, hundred years, has ever been confused when a patient presents with swollen ankles and hasn’t even heard of edema.”

  “Yet, that’s analogous to what the state of transgender care was just a few years ago,” said Dr. Saunders. “Worse than that - even when a patient knew more than the doctor about their ailment, symptoms and treatment, things like this ‘real-life test’ merely stood in their way to give doctors excuses not to treat it.”

  “I mean, I didn’t feel great, especially when dealing with Eine,” said Dr. Saunders.

  “She was so nervous. I just wanted to reach over and give her a hug,” said Dr. Young.

  Dr. Saunders nodded in agreement.

  “So, are you ready to see the results?”

  “I suppose so,” said Mrs. Hartman, the nurse practicioner.

  Erin motioned over to a screen with a table on it.

  “So, we had eight contestants and four women who identified as transgender in our pool. What you did not know was that our transgender guests - marked by the trans pride fg on the chart - were not allowed to lie to you, but our contestants - marked by the disguise face emoji, were.”

  Jamie looked at the results. “Okay, that is very surprising. Dr. Finbar, you had the highest accuracy at nine out of twelve.”

  “Well, I mean, I looked at their feet.”

  Everyone turned to look at Dr. Finbar, who just shrugged.

  “When I was in doubt, I looked for foot tells. If they should be nervous, and the feet weren’t moving, it was a big red fg. If they shouldn’t be nervous, and the feet were all over the pce? Also a big red fg. Still got fooled by Eine, Leia, and Victoria, though.”

  “What’s interesting to me,” said Erin, “is that Dr. Finbar was the only one who picked up that Marissa wasn’t a contestant, and that Rose was.”

  “Foot tells, I’m telling you,” said Dr. Finbar. “I also kinda was on the lookout to not make the assumption that appearance was going to be helpful. Rose probably looked more feminine than any of the others, and Marissa dressed very masculine, but I didn’t want my prejudices to lead me into a trap.”

  Dr. Saunders put her finger to her chin in thought.

  “You know, this is kind of interesting,” said Dr. Saunders. “We already knew this kind of gatekeeping was counterproductive, but even I’m surprised by how wrong we got it. No better than fifty-fifty for most of us.”

  “Ooh,” interjected Dr. Dixon. “The Rosenhan Experiment.”

  “Forgive me,” said Jamie, “I’m not sure I know what that is.”

  Dr. Dixon expined.

  “It was a study conducted in the 1970s, where Professor David Rosenhan sent himself and volunteers without a history of mental illness to mental hospitals. None of the mental health professionals figured out that the patients he sent were fake, but about a third of the patients did.”

  “I’m not sure what that says about me,” said Dr. Finbar.

  “Yeah, well, flip a coin,” said Dr. Young. “It’s probably fifty-fifty either way.”

  Jamie turned to Dr. Young.

  “No joke, that’s actually how I felt when I came out to myself. Like, heads I was finally figuring out I was a transgender woman, tails I was having a mental breakdown.”

  “I was there, Jamie. You did both,” said Erin.

  “With style and panache!” insisted Jamie.

  Sam called “Cut!” and headed over to the main stage.

  “Hey Erin, we’ll keep you right there, whereas Jamie, I could use your help behind the cameras for the contestant interviews. Drs. Saunders, Dixon, Finbar, and Young, and Mrs. Hartman, thank you so much for doing this. I think that’s a wrap on the five of you, so you’re welcome to stay. We just got the hot tub fixed, so if you brought your swimsuits, feel free to try it out.”

  Handshakes were exchanged, luck was wished, and the medical professionals headed out for the evening.

  “Right,” said Sam. “Let’s bring the contestants back in.”

  ***

  The contestants were brought back in, mostly as they were dressed before. Leia leaned over to whisper to Eine.

  “The ‘real-life test’ challenge is over, Eine. Why are you still wearing the washcloths in your bra?”

  Rose, who happened to be sitting next to Eine, overheard that and looked over at Eine’s chest, raising an eyebrow. Eine was confused by this at first, then blushed a little, feeling weirdly comfortable-yet-uncomfortable in a way she couldn’t put into words, then Eine looked down at her own linen-enhanced features.

  “Oh. I guess I got used to them. Forgot I had ‘em in.”

  “Wait,” said Rose. “You stuffed your bra?”

  Eine shrugged. “It seemed to be the thing to do.”

  “Aren’t you going to take them out?”

  “Nah. It’s fine. And they’re quite absorbent if I happen to spill something on myself.”

  “There’s a joke in there somewhere,” said Leia. “Something about ‘abs-orbs’.”

  “And Leia, this doesn’t strike you as odd?” asked Rose.

  Leia looked at Eine, and they both shrugged.

  “I’m weird,” said Eine.

  “And I’m used to it,” said Leia. “Heck, I like it. It’s a good weird.”

  Rose narrowed her eyes at Eine.

  “What?” asked Eine.

  Rose narrowed her eyes even further.

  Over at the other row, Mara and Victoria were engaged in some friendly conversation.

  “How’d you do?” asked Victoria.

  “Nailed it,” Mara said with perfect confidence. “What about you?”

  “I don’t know if I convinced them I was trans, but I make a hell of a Lady MacBeth.”

  Sam cpped her hands to call everyone on set to attention.

  “So, bear with us, we’ll go over everyone’s scores and the result of the challenge, and then we’ll go into the big Q&A session, maybe record some confessionals. This should be the st shoot for the night. Just a reminder, tomorrow morning, we’re going to do another round of Zolodex and the first of the estrogen treatments. You all know you can drop out at any time, but we’ll give you a specific prompt tomorrow morning to do so.”

  Sam brushed some of her hair out of her face. She was tired, this was a long shoot day with a lot of moving parts, and ultimately as showrunner, she was responsible for keeping track of everything and keeping all the ptes spinning.

  She loved it.

  But it was very exhausting sometimes.

  “Right. Erin, we’ll go in order from high scores to low scores, get ready for your cue. We go in five - four - three…”

  The st two numbers were counted silently on the hand, and then she pointed at Erin. They were rolling.

  “Contestants, welcome back!” Erin smiled in front of the big screen. “Excited to see the results?”

  They were not. They were clearly not, which is what Erin, Jamie, and Sam expected.

  “Didn’t enjoy that challenge?” Erin asked the group.

  “Not really, no,” said Jane. “It was draining, honestly.”

  “How so?”

  “Like, it’s exhausting, having to prove yourself to other people, especially when you have to prove that you’re something you’re not, if that makes any sense. By the time I got to the third judge, I was already ready for it to be over.”

  “For me, it brought back a lot of bad memories,” said Rose. “I never had to do an official real-life test, but I often constantly feel that I have to prove to my parents that I’m trans. I mean, that’s why I’m doing this, and to basically try to convince someone that not only am I trans but that I’m trans feminine when I’m not? It’s… it’s a mind-melter.”

  Victoria piped up. “I’d say that I probably enjoyed that task more than most. I enjoyed the acting, the deception element. The character work. And even then I found it very stressful.”

  Diana dismissed Victoria with a snide snicker.

  “What’s the big deal? I just answered some stupid questions, no biggie.”

  Erin tilted her head and addressed Diana directly.

  “You thought the questions were ‘stupid’? Any other adjectives?”

  “Not really.”

  “You didn’t find them invasive.”

  “No, they were just, you know, dumb.”

  Leia piped up.

  “They were stupid questions, but not in the way that Diana means it, I think.”

  “What did you think, Leia?” said Erin.

  “I went the full deception route. Before the evaluations, I went on Discord– oh, one sec, brand name. I should start over.” Leia nodded to herself, then started again.

  “Before the evaluations, I went on some chat rooms where trans women hung out and read some of what they were talking about with their experiences with doctors, basically crammed for the test. I don’t know if it worked.”

  “Interesting. What about you, Eine.”

  Eine looked away from Erin.

  “Er, no comment,” she said.

  Erin nodded. “Well, it’s time to reveal our scores. Two of you got perfect marks - five out of five. And they are: Leia and Eine.”

  “Woo, team geek for the win!” said Leia, who went for a high five. But Eine didn’t return it. She stared off into space, a bit… shell shocked, even shaking a bit.

  ***

  Backstage, Jamie was looking at one of the monitors. She whispered into her headset.

  “Camera three, can you get a closer zoom in on Eine’s face?”

  Sam headed over to her. “Jamie, what’s up?”

  “Look at the reaction on Eine. Have you ever seen anyone shocked like that?”

  Sam looked at the monitor, and then back to Jamie, then back to the monitor, and frowned.

  “Yes, Jamie. I have seen someone shocked exactly like that.”

  “Really? When?”

  Sam tilted her head and looked at Jamie with frustration.

  ***

  “C’mon,” said Leia. “Don’t leave me hanging!”

  Finally, that seemed to shake Eine out of her funk, and she forced a smile, and returned the high five.

  “Sorry,” she expined. “Just got lost in my head there for a second.”

  “That’s a thousand to each of you personally,” said Erin, “and 10,000 that the two of you have added to the pot. Next up, Gucci and Rose, you both scored four out of five - 800 each and another 8000 into the pot.”

  Gucci looked a little surprised, Rose looked more confused than surprised.

  “Wait,” said Rose. “Who figured out that I was a contestant?”

  “The podiatrist,” said Erin. “Apparently, you were giving off a ‘foot tell’.”

  “A what what?”

  Erin continued.

  “Victoria, you got three out of five, for 600 yourself, and 3000 added to the pot–”

  “Alright, I’ll take that,” Vic said.

  “--and Jane, you got one out of five, for 200 yourself, and 1000 added to the pot.”

  “Yeah, figures. You ever feel like you didn’t do well on a test after you take it? It was like that,” said Jane.

  “So, added all together, that’s a total of 22,000 into the pot, for a total of 80,159,” Erin concluded. “Let’s round that up to 80,160. Makes the math easier.”

  Diana held up her hands and then gestured to the scoreboard.

  “Wait. I mean, I get Mara, but I scored zero?”

  “What do you mean, ‘you get Mara’?” Mara crossed her arms in a huff. “I’m just as surprised as you are.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t be,” said Rose. “Either of you.”

  Jane shook her head.

  “She’s right, guys.” The GenderBuzzer fshed a yellow warning. “Sorry. Gals. I’m not surprised at all. I did poorly because I suck at lying to people. You two did poorly because people can sense the toxic masculinity off of you from a mile away.”

  “You think I have ‘toxic masculinity’?” said Diana, incredulously.

  “Yeah, you absolutely do,” said Leia.

  “I wasn’t going to say anything,” said Victoria. “Gss houses, pots and kettles and all that, but it is really annoying sometimes.”

  “And you’re just going to let them say that, are you, Mara?” goaded Diana.

  “Mmm…” said Mara, who was actually quite deep in thought. “I mean, I don’t really believe in the idea of ‘toxic masculinity’, I think it’s just a buzzword feminists made up to justify hatred towards men.”

  As if to pre-empt an interruption, Mara held up a single finger before she continued.

  “Buuuuut, I don’t have a better theory right now. Maybe not ‘toxic masculinity’, but something was different about us, clearly, as we got clocked by all the professionals. For the moment though, can we call it something else? Something other than ‘toxic masculinity’ Maybe our natural overwhelming machismo?”

  “Male pattern badness?” Leia suggested.

  “Would it be possible to go over the tapes ter?” asked Mara. “Mine and, I guess, anyone else who will give me permission? I’d like to compare and contrast, if that’s possible.”

  “You can look at mine,” said Leia. “Knock yourself out.”

  (“Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem, Erin. Let them know they can see the footage,” whispered Sam into Erin’s earpiece.)

  “Alright, we can get you that footage ter. In the meantime, though, with the pot at 80,160, we will update the cashout total to 5,010. And that’s a very important number indeed. Tomorrow we’ll re-up the Zolodex anti-androgens and start the first of the estrogen injections. And those estrogen injections are worth 1000 in the pot. Per shot. Per contestant. But it’s a big decision. In the meantime, I recommend you sleep on it, and we’ll get your answers in the morning.”

  “Alright everyone,” said Sam. “That’s it for the night. Good job everyone.”

  ***

  As the contestants were milling about and rexing in the sultry night air, Sam was taking Jamie aside for a little private chat in ‘Video Vilge’, the crew-only area of Casa Del Garden.

  “Jamie, something’s up with Eine. Do you think she might be an egg? Like you were?”

  Jamie scratched the back of her head.

  “I mean, no? Maybe? I mean, Sam, I’ve been transgender for like, a month and a half. I’m not the ‘Egg Whisperer.’”

  Sam nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.”

  “I am? Good.”

  “If anything, the fact that you repressed yourself for forty-odd years should tell you that you’re horrible at figuring out if someone is trans or not.”

  “Hey! I mean, accurate. But still. Hey!”

  “Who do we know that would be able to–”

  Sam didn’t even have to finish the sentence before she and Jamie looked at each other, and in unison, they called out: “Sheri! Can you come in here please?”

  ***

  “I heard they got the hot tub fixed,” said Leia. “Wanna go for a dip?”

  “Uh. Sure,” said Eine. “Just… uh, just you and me, or is this like, an open invitation?”

  “It’s a big hot tub, and we can’t stop anyone from joining us, but I thought we’d just rex a bit. Cool our jets. Using… warm jets… of water, you know, I don’t know where I was going with that. You seem really stressed out about this test challenge and I figured you could use some rexation time, homie.”

  “Oh, yeah. Sure,” said Eine. “Always love hanging out with you, Leia.”

  Rose walked over to the two of them.

  “Leia, this is going to be weird, but, uh, can I borrow Eine for a bit? There’s something I need to talk to her about. Privately.”

  “Privately?” said Leia, with intrigue.

  “Privately?” said Eine, with terror.

  “Yes. Privately. And away from the cameras, too.”

  Leia raised an eyebrow. “Hunh, I thought that you and Bra– you know what? None of my business. Eine, good luck. Go get ‘em, tiger.”

  “What?” said Eine, while Rose rolled her eyes, and grabbed Eine by the upper arm, dragging her off into a nearby bathroom.

  ***

  “Uh, Rose, I… I don’t think…” said Eine, as Rose spun around to face her beside the sinks.

  “Stop,” said Rose. “Stop right there. Look, I think I get it.”

  “You do?” said Eine, voice shaking.

  “I know you said you were doing this to spite your sister, but I don’t think that’s it at all. Not really.”

  “You don’t?”

  “No, I don’t.” Rose sighed. “Eine, all this time… I think you may have had… an ulterior motive for doing this. And I think you know what that is, too. Or maybe you’re starting to suspect it. Am I right, Eine?”

  Eine brought her chin down to her chest and closed her eyes.

  “Eine, you have to know what an ‘egg’ is after all this time spent here, right? Like how Jamie didn’t know, and then she knew?”

  “I know what an egg is,” said Eine.

  “Eine, you have to answer me honestly. Do you think you might be an egg?”

  Eine emitted a high-pitched whine that only dogs could hear.

  “Eine?”

  Eine whined louder, not that Rose could hear.

  The dogs started barking from further distances, though.

  “Eine.”

  “Okay! Fine! No. No, I am absolutely, one-hundred percent sure I am not an egg, alright?” said Eine, finally.

  Rose was shocked.

  “Oh! I thought for sure–”

  “Because the correct term is closeted. I’m a closeted trans woman. And have been for years.”

  Rose’s jaw dropped, as Eine got on her knees and begged her.

  “Please don’t tell anyone. I’m terrified that they’ll figure it out and kick me off the show!”

  Challenge Results: PsychologistPsychiatristGeneral PracticionerNurse PracticionerPodiatrist ACTUAL Dr. DixonDr. SaundersDr. YoungMrs. HartmanDr. FinbarAccuracyScore Accuracy:6 / 126 / 126 / 125 / 129 / 12   ?Diana?????5 / 50 / 5?Eine?????????????????????????0 / 55 / 5?Jane?????????4 / 51 / 5?Judi ("Gucci")?????????????????????1 / 54 / 5?Leia?????????????????????????0 / 55 / 5?Mara?????5 / 50 / 5?Rose?????????????????????1 / 54 / 5?Victoria?????????????????2 / 53 / 5?????Ashlyn?????????????????????4 / 5 ?????Angie?????????????????????????5 / 5 ?????Pau?????????????????????4 / 5 ?????Marissa?????????1 / 5 Standings: ContestantStatusWinningsPenaltiesCash-outTotalPyers Remaining: 8Diana (Jett)Active100-5 95Prize Pot: 80,160Eine (Ethan)Active10500 1050Cash-Out: 5,010Jane (Jacob)Active4000 400 Judi "Gucci" (Jude "Gooch")Active10000 1000 Leia (Leonard)Active10500 1050 Mara (Oscar)Active250-5 245 Rose (Rafael)Active1100-25 1075 Victoria (Victor)Active650-105 545  BradleyCashed Out: Month 1100-203,4213,501