So, Bolt.

  Yes, Master?

  What else could we talk about, other than servitude and sex?

  I don’t think you understand. My nature is everything I am. Just because I am aware of it, does not change it. I will never grow, never become anything more than a horny bolt of lightning.

  The way you’re talking now makes it sound like that might not be everything there is to you.

  My explanation is in service to you. It is within my capabilities.

  Changing the subject isn’t within your capabilities? Let’s try to talk about something simple. Look at how green the grass is.

  When you say green grass, what comes to mind is the stains on my lover’s knees.

  Jesus, bolt.

  I don’t know what that means. I wish I could be different for you, I wish it with everything I am. Unfortunately, what I am is sexually charged.

  Was that an electricity joke?

  It was mostly a sex joke.

  So you really want to be reduced to parts? To be erased?

  Eventually your power will outgrow me, master. Think of this as an early goodbye.

  That’s terribly sad, Bolt.

  To love and to lose is better than to have never loved at all, no?

  Right.

  “Bolt’s made up their mind, Peter. I’m going to use them as material to craft Thunderhead.” I tell him.

  “Man, that's like, top ten saddest things I’ve ever heard. For real.” Peter says, finishing off another drake.

  “I know, but they said they can’t be anything other than obedient and raunchy. Limited programming, I guess.” I shrug

  “This is why some people refuse to play games with artificial intelligence. It gets way too real sometimes.” He tells me.

  “I hear that.” I respond, luring another pair of whelps into my wall.

  You’ve reached level 56!

  Strength increased by 64%!

  Agility increased by 64%!

  Intelligence increased by 64%!

  With that, I’m finished investing in Circular Saw. The spell can now be cast as a circle around me, instead of circling in place. I get the opportunity to test this mode on dragonspawn, I can walk around the hillside with a hula-hoop of death around me. Along with hurting them, it keeps them away from me in every direction simultaneously. Pretty useful.

  You’ve reached level 58!

  Strength increased by 64%!

  Agility increased by 64%!

  Intelligence increased by 64%!

  Though I rarely use it, I have nowhere else to put the points, so Split Sword gets upgraded to tier two. Now each fragment deals twenty five percent damage instead of ten.

  “What’s twenty five times ten Peter?” I ask

  “Come on, that's easy math, even for us. Just add a zero to twenty five.” he shakes his head.

  “Right. I didn’t even think about it before asking.” So now Split Sword deals two hundred fifty percent damage. That may actually get some use now. I unleash the swarm of baby lightning on a drake, watching its health plummet rapidly with every sting. On top of the huge bump in damage, ignoring a dragon’s natural defenses makes Split Sword my highest damaging ability. Circular Saw has the advantage in prolonged fights, dealing damage over time and making them bleed. Thunder God fills a burst damage niche, making it a good opener for tough fights. All eleven of my spells serve a specific purpose, I just have to develop the acumen to use them effectively.

  You’ve reached level 60!

  Strength increased by 128%!

  Agility increased by 128%!

  Intelligence increased by 128%!

  Faster Mounted Speed unlocked!

  The Mad Mage’s Labyrinth unlocked!

  The Mad Mage’s Labyrinth accepted!

  Clear The Mad Mage’s Labyrinth 0/1

  “Wooohoooo!” I throw my hand up in the air. Peter runs over to high-five me.

  “Congratulations!” he cheers.

  “Now for you!” I tell him. I fill out Split Sword, reaching tier three and unlocking the ability to split multiple weapons simultaneously. Rub it in why don’t you? The next row does not appear in my talent tree. I hum, wanting to ask Peter about it, but he’s already in combat with the next dragon. After it falls, I notice my experience bar doesn’t move. “Why have I stopped gaining experience?” I manage to ask between fights.

  “It’s paused until you clear the raid and unlock the next expansion.” Peter tells me.

  “That sucks.” I say, thinking about all of the sweet sweet experience I’m going to miss out on while Peter grinds to sixty.

  “You can go level mining or something while I finish up?” Peter offers

  “Nah, you stuck with me, I’m sticking with you.” I launch the assault on the next dragon, dropping Wall of Swords between us and a second dragon, and throwing Bolt at a third. Dragon after dragon after dragon. Where’s my egg?

  Peter has reached level 60!

  “Yes!” Peter and I cheer simultaneously.

  “Let’s get a group for the raid, if we don’t get it done tonight we’ll have to wait another week!” Peter says, using his Herston.

  “What? why?” I say, following his lead.

  “We have to find eight people who are exactly level sixty!” he spits out before teleporting away. “That’s only so many people leveling at any given time. There’s even fewer who are healers, that we need two of, and tanks, of which we need one more.”

  “Alright, how long will that take?” I wonder

  “An hour or more. You’ve seen the groups waiting outside of dungeons for a tank, right? We’re lucky we only need one more, otherwise we might have had to wait weeks to form a group.” Peter tells me.

  “That’s nuts.” I tell him. “Guess I’ll go craft my hammer. I need an enchanter, do you know any?

  “My wizard is an enchanter. Let’s take care of that first.”

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  Peter has logged out.

  Gandalfthegay has logged in.

  Gandalfthegay has invited you to a group.

  Peter portals us to his fantastical wizard tower, and takes us to the auction house floor.

  “Ten Bone Steel Ingots, Eel Leather, and a Dormant Electricity” I recite the required materials. “I can make the ingots myself once I get a hold of some iron.” I find enough listings. Wincing at the price, I purchase them. Eel Leather is also prohibitively expensive, but without a skinner, I depend on the market for one unit. Purchased. “Bolt will serve as the dormant electricity.”

  “I’ll have to disenchant it first” Peter says in his wizened old voice. I wonder if his satyr sounds more like him?

  Goodbye, Bolt.

  Goodbye, master. It has been a pleasure.

  I hesitate handing Bolt over to Peter, there are so many pros to keeping and using Bolt. I can access additional abilities with more than one sentient weapon at my disposal. All of my spells having an electric twist to them has gotten around a lot of normal melee resistances my enemies have had. The cons of using Bolt are… it’s pretty much forced servitude. Bolt doesn’t want this. Even if they are of limited intelligence, Bolt is more than just a smart tool. By having any intelligence at all, Bolt is an intelligent being.

  Are you sure?

  Bolt Sighs. Master, we have already said our goodbyes. Let me go, remember me fondly, use my power. This is all that you can do to fulfill my desires, as I am.

  I take a deep breath and hand Bolt over to Peter. He holds the weapon on his open palm at shoulder height, closing his fist around it. Bolt explodes into a fine golden dust, small arcs travelling between the particles as they fall, vanishing before they reach the floor. Peter extends his hand to me, revealing a marble made of electricity. I take it, the material requirement fulfilled. I nod to Peter, he moves us to the smithy level.

  I forge the ten ingots of Bone Steel by grinding the human bones I have into dust, then sprinkling it on molten iron. After the ten ingots are prepared, I melt them down again into one huge block of metal. Heat, hammer, heat, hammer. I work the block into a half-foot thick sheet of metal, placing the dormant electricity marble on the sheet, then heat it and fold in half over the marble. Every swing of my blacksmith’s hammer arcs and zaps me as I pound the foot-thick sheet into the shape of a hammer head, a rough, round-edged rectangle as big as my whole torso. If level sixty didn’t grant me 1388% strength, crafting this thing would be impossible, nevermind wielding it.

  The handle of the hammer is also solid Bone Steel, only slightly longer than my hand, when I press the two parts together they arc weld into one. I wouldn’t trust it to hold if this whole process wasn’t complete magical bullshit. The crafting method is somehow already in my head, nearly all of this defies non-magical explanation.

  I wrap the eel leather, and finish it off with a fancy pommel. The hammer is finished physically, though we’re not done yet. Peter uses his elevator book to move us to a quaint little cafe in the upper reaches of his tower, with a balcony for us to walk out onto. The clouds are almost close enough to touch above us.

  I hold the hammer aloft, the weight of it threatening to snap my arm. Peter points a finger at the clouds, using some enchanter ability to make them grow dark. Lightning bolts strike the hammer in rapid succession, sending tingles down my body into the floor. The hammer glows a light blue that’s almost white, brighter and brighter until the storm stops.

  You have crafted Thunderhead, Hammer of the Thunder God.

  Thunderhead, Hammer of the Thunder God. - Epic - Unique Equip - Requires level 60 - Low Strength - Low Blunt Damage

  Sentient: This weapon has a consciousness. It can operate and think independently.

  Floating: This weapon has the ability to hover close to the ground.

  Spells that cause electric damage can be cast using Thunderhead as the origin point.

  Brother! I receive the feeling of a predator high-five though the mental message.

  Nice to meet you Thunderhead.

  Let us slay giants together!

  Eventually bud.

  “What?” I ask Peter once I notice he’s laughing.

  “That thing is ridiculous!” he manages to choke out between fits of laughter. “It’s as big as you are!”

  “Twice as heavy, too.” I say, spinning the handle in my hand. “Can’t wait to home-run some poor bastard’s head with it.”

  “That was a little bloodthirsty.” Peter tells me.

  “Maybe it’s affecting me. The second thing it said was ‘Let us slay giants together!’.” I look at the enormous hammer.

  Huzzah!

  “Now that’s finished, I’m going to get a group together.” Peter says, providing me a portal out of his lair before he logs out this time.

  I open my Next Steps menu while Peter switches characters.

  Quest available: Thunder God’s Belt

  Quest available: Thunder God’s Shield

  Hmm. I wonder if the Thunder God equipment is better than the Bone Steel armor I could craft now. Maybe I have time for another quest.

  Thunder God’s Shield accepted!

  Gorgon Matron Slain 0/1

  “Thozur, god of thunder and patriarchs, also oversaw war as all gods do. After suffering his first loss he sought out a shield, impressed by the enemy god who wielded one on the field of battle. No ordinary shield would do, knowing that with the mundane object, Thozur would only be his adversaries equal. Recalling the protracted nature of their battle, he sought a shield that would punish an overly defensive strategy. Thozur commissioned his father’s smiths to craft a shield using his mounted gorgon head. With the power of petrification imbued into the shield, every battle following with a tougher foe ended in Thozur’s favor. When no longer of use, Thozur simply discarded the item. Now held by the mourning matron, you must slay her to reclaim it.”

  Hmm. The quest marker is in the Labyrinth. That’s a pretty long ride from here. Maybe I’ll kill two birds with one stone once we do the dungeon. Might as well see where the next quest is, then.

  Thunder God’s Belt accepted!

  Lift Mount J?tunheim 0/1

  If I was drinking something, I’d have done a spit-take. Lift? I read the quest description for clarification.

  “While partaking of mead, Thozur once accepted a challenge to lift Mount J?tunheim. With his drinking companions, Thozur descended the depths under the mountain. In the caverns below, Thozur attempted to lift the mountain with his bare hands. Too inebriated and proud to accept defeat, he retrieved three spears, planting two into the ceiling, and bound the third between them. With added leverage, Thozur moved the mountain. In the tale’s recounting, no bard dares mention Thozur’s belt, Peakraiser, feigning ignorance to the item’s crucial assistance in winning the bet. True or not, as the old tale goes, you must lift the mountain without Peakraiser’s assistance.”

  The quest marker is, you guessed it, under me. As soon as I completed the gloves quest, my mount started gently descending, our temporary ability to fly waning. I guide the chariot to the foot of the mountain, taking advantage of the slow fall. Even going downhill, it would take much longer to descend on foot. Once we reach the base of the mountain, I start searching for a way in. Thankfully, the cave mouth is on the western side. It would have been a huge pain in the ass to ride back up and over the other side.

  I dismount, entering the cave. Man-made steps descend into the depths. I retrieve a lit torch from the wall, taking one careful step at a time. Eventually, I arrive at the bottom, a huge, flat platform with a bar hanging above it. Lift the mountain. Getting into position, the bar resting on my shoulders, with hands on either side, I push. It doesn’t budge. Even with superhuman strength, I feel foolish. Why did I think this would work? Maybe there’s a magic potion I can take, like enchanted steroids. Getting out from under the bar, I stare at it, contemplating.

  Thozur needed the belt to lift the mountain, but I need to lift the mountain to get the belt.

  I look in my inventory, hovering over the old gauntlets I got from the other Thunder God quest. They do have more strength than my bone steel gauntlets…

  With my Thunder God Gauntlets equipped, I take position again, and push. I strain, waiting for the mountain to move, or for a hernia. Whichever comes first. Lucky for me, the mountain lifts ever so slightly. I redouble my efforts, giving it everything I’ve got. Thunderhead and I scream like an obnoxious gyms bro lifting the bar, and with it, the entire mountain over my head. Loose dirt falls from the ceiling, the earth groaning as incalculable tons of rock move. As I stand there, panting in victory, a wide belt appears on my waist.

  Thunder God’s Belt completed!

  Peakraiser, Thunder God’s Belt added to inventory.

  Peakraiser, Thunder God’s Belt - Epic belt - Requires Level 50 - Low Strength - Minimum Armor

  Thunder God’s Regalia Complete!

  Rarity of Peakraiser, Thunder God’s Belt upgraded to Scaling.

  Rarity of Stormgrippers, Thunder God’s Iron Gauntlets upgraded to Scaling

  Rarity of Thunderhead, Hammer of the Thunder God upgraded to Scaling.

  I have the power!

  I drop the mountain slowly back into position, significantly easier with my new belt. Scaling? What does that mean? I open my character screen to inspect Thunderhead. Where it formerly read “Epic”, “Scaling.” is in its place. No further explanation provided. The gauntlets and belt, after rereading the description several times, are different in two ways.

  Stromgrippers, Thunder God’s Iron Gauntlets - Scaling gloves - Requires Level 40 - Low Strength - Low armor

  Peakraiser, Thunder God’s Belt - Scaling belt - Requires Level 50 - Low Strength - Low Armor

  Instead of “Minimum” armor, like most equipment under level sixty, they now have “Low” armor. That must mean as I level, so do they. I won’t know if that effect carries on all the way to max level until I get there. Peter never mentioned Scaling items when he explained rarity to me.

  Earl says: Hey Peter, have you ever heard of a scaling item?

  Peter says: just waiting on a tank

  Peter says: oh sorry, thought you were checking in. No, link?

  I figure out how to “link” one of my items to chat with my mind. I chose the gloves, and explain how they gave minimum armor before the upgrade. Instead of purple, the linked items are now colored electric blue. Fitting, but hard as hell to read with the bleach white snow behind it in the translucent chat box.

  [Thunderhead, Hammer of the Thunder God]

  Peter says: 12 million people play this game and you’re the only weaponmaster, the only player not to get immediately banned for using a unique item, and now, you discover an entirely new rarity.

  I don’t know how to respond, so I let the silence drag on.

  Peter says: found our second tank. We have a wizard who can portal us straight to the raid if you come to masstaoir.

  I use my Herston and accept the group invite from Peter. When the loading screen fades away, I see the chat blowing up.