Catcratch says: Our other tank is Earl? Bruh

  Jigglephysics says: are you streaming this raid?

  Lowgun says: This is going to be a cakewalk with his OP gear!

  Oh boy.

  Earl says: What should I say?

  Peter says: Just ignore them. I’ll explain the boss fights in voice chat for you, this raid is tuned down so any 10 idiots can get together and do it.

  Our wizard Yosemeitty opens a portal to the labyrinth. Once I appear on the other side I follow Peter and the others to a dungeon entrance around the side of the coliseum. There’s a little bit of diversity here, but mostly cutsie beast people that lean heavily into the people half. Peter is the only satyr present. The new loading screen is an image of the original King Emperor Mournthing giving a thumbs down from the viewing box, apparently judging the players in the labyrinth. In the raid, the group stands on a platform across from the viewing box.

  Uniform says: wheres the king?

  Much like how we left it, the viewing box is empty. I turn to Peter, he gives me a sharp look to keep my mouth shut. This probably has something to do with us. After a few minutes, roughly the amount of time it would take for Mournthing to give a wheezing speech, the platform descends into the labyrinth. The group doesn’t wait for it to reach ground level, instead jumping off and taking minor fall damage. Peter and I follow suit, lagging behind slightly.

  The other tank, Kongaline, pulls the first trash mob, a feral minotaur. The monster is slightly larger than the one Peter and I faced previously. Spells and arrows fly over the heads of melee combatants, ending the minotaur’s life in seconds. When one player loots the body, everyone gets a small share of silver.

  “Almost idiot-proof” Peter reminds me in our private voice chat.

  The group swarms over four more minotaur like an ant colony, reaching the first boss at the end of a straight hallway.

  Zinon Zenou, the Five Thousand Headed. Level 61

  A towering hydra stands on four legs in the middle of the chamber, five scaley heads wobbling on long necks. The group attacks it without pausing, leaving me wondering how to approach this fight.

  “All five heads have to die at roughly the same time, or two heads grow in place of one. It shouldn't be a problem, just get in there and keep attention away from the damage dealers.” Peter tells me. I comply, Telekinetic Taunting all five heads. In the blink of an eye, one, then two, then all five heads fall off of the body. The beast collapses, defeated like any common foe, despite having boss status.

  Roll for Hydra Whip [Need] [Greed]

  Roll for Hydraskin Boots [Need] [Greed]

  “Roll need on the whip, greed on the boots” Peter tells me. I follow his directions.

  Catscratch has won Hydra Whip!

  Catscratch has won Hydraskin Boots!

  Killmunger says: Hacks

  Bullpucky says: Which way?

  The walls of the chamber descend, revealing six paths. The players move around anxiously, some hopping from one foot to the other faster than should be possible.

  “This is the hard part, we need a map from one of the feral minotaurs but I didn't get one. Whoever did isn’t speaking up.” Peter groans.

  “What about my unique map?” I ask

  “Oh yeah! Let’s see it” Peter jogs over to me. I open the map in front of us. The full labyrinth is displayed on it, the walls shift constantly. Four red dots appear at intersections, one is greyed out, the hydra we just killed, and another has a gold quest marker overlapping it. That must be the Gorgon.

  Peter says: This way.

  Having seen what he needed to on my map, Peter moves with the group through the western archway. Just before I follow, an oddly familiar roar echoes quietly from far away. I chose to ignore it, moving with the group. Between us and the next boss, several lions block our path. They go down just as easily as the weak minotaurs, only providing a minor hindrance to our progress. The next boss waits for us, a lion, goat, and snake headed chimera.

  Athanopoulos, Favored Pet. Level 61.

  “Go around back and taunt the snake head. The other tank will grab the lion. We have to heal the damage dealer with the highest threat, the goat head will breathe fire at them.” Peter explains to me. Following directions, I get the snake head’s attention. It poisons me with every successful bite, a blinking debuff appearing under my health bar. Thankfully this boss is a pushover, and dies before I start really taking serious damage.

  Roll for Lion Helm [Need] [Greed]

  Roll for Snakeskin Gloves [Need] [Greed]

  “Need helm, greed gloves?” I ask Peter, having read the former gives strength, and the latter agility.

  “Yep.” He responds.

  Kongaline has won Lion Helm!

  Catsctratch has won Snakeskin Gloves!

  Killmunger says: really dude? You already got 2 pieces.

  Catcratch says: roll better

  I hear the same roar from earlier again, this time louder, meaning closer. Nobody else seems to notice, so after checking the map again, Peter leads the group to the next boss. Anacondas large enough to swallow me whole block our way, slain so quickly the group doesn’t have to stop running to deal with them. In the next boss room, everyone screeches to a halt. A medusa stands alone, snake-covered head on her voluptuous feminine body. Her eyes are closed, as though asleep. The many snakes wave and slither in the air, flicking their tongues.

  Kalomoira, Gorgon Matron. level 81

  “This boss is why we needed ten people.” Peter informs me. “The tanks have to stand in the boss’s periphery, taunting back and forth as the other is petrified. Everyone else has to stay behind the boss. If the boss turns around, we die.” Peter pauses to let that sink in. “Ready?”

  “Wait!” I shout, embarrassed by the volume. “Could I use my illusion to keep the boss’s attention, and we can all stand behind the boss?”

  “Huh.” Peter scratches his peach-fuzzed chin. “Unless your illusion can be petrified, I don’t see why not.”

  Uniform says: pull?

  Peter says: everyone including tank get in position behind the boss. Earl is going to use a weaponmaster ability.

  Lowgun says: what ability?

  Earl says: Illusory Clone.

  Lowgun says: Sweet!

  With everyone in position, I cast my spell. With huge hammer in hand, my clone aggros the boss. Taking a moment to see if they start to petrify, we all wait and watch. It seems they are immune, so I reinforce their threat to the boss with Telekinetic Taunt and wave the group into action. Without any complicated fight mechanics in our way, the boss goes down easier than the rest. Thunderhead appears in my hand as I cancel Illusory Clone.

  Thunder God’s Shield completed!

  Stonemaker, Thunder God’s Shield added to inventory.

  Roll for Stone Boots. [Need] [Greed]

  Roll for Wide-gap Comb. [Need] [Greed]

  I roll Need for the boots without asking, and greed on the intellect-granting necklace. Between realizing that I don’t currently have a necklace, and opening my inventory to check out my new shield, I don’t immediately notice the group chat.

  Stonemaker, Thunder God’s Shield - Epic One-handed Shield - Unique Equip - Low Strength - Low Armor

  Enemies gain stacks of Petrified while targeting you.

  (Petrified: At ten stacks, become solid stone. You are unable to act for a short time.)

  I equip the shield, and then I notice the group chat riot.

  Kongaline has won Stone Boots!

  Yosemitty has won Wide-gap Comb!

  Killmunger says: no roll for the shield?

  Lowgun says: the game gave Earl another thing!

  Kongaline says: That shield is an upgrade for me.

  Peter says: If there was no roll window that means Earl got it though a quest or something.

  Kongaline says: I still want to roll for it.

  Bullpucky says: me too

  “Earl, was that shield a quest reward?” Peter asks me

  “Yeah.” I say, worried that either I give it up or the group will disband before we’ve finished the dungeon. My worry is alleviated by a new one, as the source of the distant roars finally reveals itself.

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  Aighe, the Taker of Life. Level ??

  The god-damned spinosaurus from earlier. Apparently the mysterious absence of the King-emperor isn’t the only way Peter and I have affected this dungeon.

  Yosemeitty says: what the fuck is that

  Lowgun says: run!

  Kongaline says: but what way?

  Catcratch says: doesnt matter

  All eight other members of our group split up, running in random directions. Lucky for them, Aighe only has eyes for me. I make sure Peter is with me, then run. It chases us, slow to turn through the ever-changing pathways. Eventually our luck improves, one of the walls has moved almost all the way across the path ahead, leaving a gap just big enough for us to squeeze through, before it closes in the dinosaur’s face.

  Kongaline says: what now?

  Uniform says: that monster isnt supposed to be here whats going on

  Lowgun says: I bet it’s Earl's fault!

  “Let me see the map” Peter tells me. We look together, finding our group members split into smaller parties of two or three. Aighe is still on the other side of the wall, waiting. There’s a new marker for the cursed dino. “We can’t regroup, our best bet would be to purposefully die and meet up at the entrance.

  “I might end up back in Masstaoir” I tell Peter.

  “Right. Well, one of the wizards can summon you here.” Peter informs me.

  “That’s handy. alright, how do we die on purpose?” I look around for a convenient enemy. None appear.

  Peter says: Wipe. We’ll regroup at the beginning.

  Kongaline says: hell with that

  Kongaline has left the group.

  Catcratch has left the group.

  Uniform has left the group.

  Yosemitty has left the group.

  Bullpucky has left the group.

  Killmunger has left the group.

  Jigglephysics has left the group.

  Lowgun says: I’m not going anywhere. I NEED to see how this ends!

  Peter says: Thanks.

  “Can we beat the last boss with just us three?” I ask Peter

  Lowgun is a ranged, agility-based damage dealer. Between the three of us, we have one tank and two damage dealers. No healers.

  “Maybe.” Peter says. “It charges around like the knight boss we fought before. Maybe if you trip it up, we can win. We just have to get there.” We both look at the map again, referencing where the boss is, where we are, and where Lowgun ended up. We are not close to the boss or eachother. “Shit. If we can’t find a way there, or a way to die, we’re stuck.”

  I think for a moment, watching the walls on my map slide around. The map itself reminds me of the other item I got alongside it. Without a word to Peter, I use the crown, summoning a minotaur, a cyclops, and a mage.

  “Get us to here.” I point to Lowgun on the map, showing the trio. They all nod simultaneously, moving towards the far wall. The cyclops draws a rectangle on the wall, the mage casts some spell on it, then the minotaur pushes the block out through the other side.

  “Just when I think your hat is out of rabbits” Peter says, shaking his head.

  “Hey, if I even run out, I’ll check my ass.” I tell him. He gives me a look, so I add “To pull more shit out of my ass” he snorts at the joke ruined by explanation. Maybe it was just a shitty joke.

  We follow my summoned trio through halls and new doorways until we finally reach Lowgun, practically on the opposite end of the labyrinth.

  Lowgun says: I knew you’d do something crazy.

  Earl says: It’s what I’m known for, huh?

  Lowgun says: That and impregnating the Honorlord’s Daughter

  Earl says: lol

  “Now get us here.” I point them to the boss’s marker on the map. They obey, leading us there. A few bulls block our path, but between players and my summons, we deal with them easily enough. It would be a lot easier with ten players. As we round the last corner, I swear to myself for not paying more attention to the map as we moved. Between us and the slowly closing path to the boss, is Aighe. It watches us, red eyes glowing menacingly in the deepening darkness. I put my arm out to block Lowgun from turning tail.

  “You two go.” I say, walking directly towards the Dinosaur.

  “What about you? We don’t have a mage to summon you back.” Peter tells me.

  “I’ve got a plan.” I lie. I’m just going to use Illusory Clone and cross my fingers. That’s hardly a plan at all.

  Peter, Lowgun, and the three summons move ahead, giving Aighe a wide berth. I cast Illusory Clone, route Telekinetic Taunt through it, and make a break for it. To my immense relief, my ‘plan’ works. To my significantly more immense distress, Aighe eats my clone, and hammer, whole.

  The beast whips its head to me, making chase. Seeing my approach, the three summons hold the wall open, straining. I jump over them, barely avoiding the jaws at my feet. The three summons release, allowing themselves to be crushed, along with the dinosaur's snout. It screams in pain and rage as it withdraws behind the closed wall.

  “Shit” I say. After taking a few deep breaths, I slap my forehead. Recall Weapon, you idiot. I cast the spell, taken aback by the loud slam against the wall, followed shortly by a pained roar. I can’t help but laugh.

  “What’s going on?” Peter asks me.

  “The damn dino ate my hammer, and now when I call it back to me, it drags the glutton with it.” I demonstrate by casting Recall Weapon again, repeating the slam and subsequent roar. Peter starts laughing with me, followed by Lowgun’s nervous chuckle. He’s definitely not accustomed to the game-breaking nonsense I get up to. I repeat the action several more times, just to satisfy my urge to make the big bastard hurt. “You said because it’s level question mark question mark we could never kill it, right?”

  “Right.” Peter confirms. “You’re probably just pissing it off.”

  “I guess I’ve had my fun.” I cast the spell one more time, letting out a mischievous giggle. I cast Summon Weapon, returning Thunderhead to my grasp instantly.

  I have a mighty headache!

  Sorry. I laugh out loud, sure that Thunderhead is joking.

  Our three-strong group turns around to face our real opponent. A Minotaur-like creature, taller than Mournthing, stands with his fists on the ground, like a gorilla. It breathes heavily, smoke trailing out of its nostrils. Jewelry dangles from its horns, not decoratively though, like somebody got tired of losing it and attached a bell. Otherwise the sexless beast is completely nude.

  Giannis, Minotaurus of the Labyrinth. Level 62.

  “He charges around every twenty five percent of health he loses. Stay out of his way, obviously. He will stun himself on the wall, but when he runs into it, parts will break off. We have to avoid the falling rocks.” Peter pauses. “That’s phase one. Phase two, he’ll trap one of us in a bronze bull. We’ll start taking fire damage until we’re freed. The only way to free one another is by lining up his charge to hit the bull.”

  “That’s a lot,” I remark. “How do we line up his charge, is it not random?”

  “He charges at the closest player, so we have to make sure to stand far enough away to dodge during phase one, and close to the bull on phase two.” Peter informs me.

  “I’ll try to remember all of that.” I tell him, nervous.

  Peter says: Pulling

  He urges me forward. I open the fight with Thunder God and Telekinetic Taunt, badgering the boss with lighting and thunder. My two supporting damage dealers bring him down, slower than I’d like, but faster than I dared hope. The boss reaches seventy five percent before long. It lets out an enraged moo, flames bursting from it’s nose and mouth. It very clearly prepares to charge, pawing his fist on the ground. We all run towards the back wall of the room, knees bent, ready to dodge at any moment.

  I cast Wall of Swords, and cross my fingers. The damned barrier explodes when the boss hits it, sending swords everywhere. I wonder if the Monitor decided I could only use that trick once, or if the boss is just too damned big to use it on. Either way, it charges full steam ahead at us. Thankfully, all three of us manage to avoid getting gored. The rock fall is just as easily avoided.

  We re-engage combat, wearing the boss down to fifty percent. We’re very fortunate that the weakened boss can’t deal damage quick enough to kill me before he goes into another charge phase. We all run again, and dodge again. Then phase two’s start is announced by Lowgun being trapped in a huge bull figure, made of bronze with a lit fire underneath it.

  Lowgun says: help!

  Peter and I struggle to get the boss down another twenty five percent, my health dangerously low, even as I use Distribute and Illusory Clone as often as possible. My other spells deal a fair amount of damage, but do little in way of protecting me from the beast. With twenty five percent health remaining, the boss begins warming up a charge.

  “Get in between it and the bull!” Peter reminds me, helpful but unnecessary. I’m already on the move, reaching the bull in moments. Missing us, the boss charges directly into the bull, an explosion of metal and fire surrounds it. Despite his freedom, Lowgun’s health continues to plummet, due to a burning debuff draining it away.

  Lowgun has died.

  “Shit.” Peter says.

  “Damn.” I say at the same time. When the boss recovers, he casts the spell to trap Peter in a bull. “I don’t think I can kill it fast enough!”

  “That’s ok, just survive!” Peter tells me.

  “Easier said than done.” I mutter, readying myself.

  I cast every spell I’ve got, offensive and defensive, one after another. I’ve only shaved off another ten percent when the system message pops up.

  Peter has died.

  “Fuuuuuuuuuuuck” I say, repeatedly slamming my hammer into the boss.

  “You’ve got this!” Peter encourages me.

  The hell I do, I think. A little icon under the minotaur’s health bar draws my attention. Petrification nine stacks of ten? I gasp, this is my chance! I make extra sure the shield is in front of me, desperately waiting for the debuff to take effect. My prayers are answered as the minotaurus turns to stone.

  Even in a one-sided fight, it’s clear I’m not going to win before it unfreezes. The timer counts down faster than the health bar. A bolt of lightning skitters away from me, towards Peter instead of the boss. I curse the faulty spell, before I realize what’s happened. Despite the low probability, my in-combat revive ability Defibrillate activated. Peter comes to life, without wasting any time, he charges in, rejoining the fight.

  The timing is still going to run out before it’s health.

  “Shiiiiit!” I shout, dragging out the I.

  “Do you know how to kite?” Peter asks, stabbing with both daggers faster than I’ve ever seen.

  “Like flying a kite?” I shout back.

  “Yeah, except the boss is the kite!” the boss unfreezes, pounding its chest and roaring in fury. “Run!”

  I follow his command, running as fast as I can away from the boss. I let my hammer badger him, keeping damage ongoing. At this speed, my Wall of Swords is effective, halting the boss on my version of barbed wire. After the spell dissipates, I bank to my left, having run out of room to run straight. I hug the wall, forcing the boss to chase me at an awkward angle.

  “Ten percent more! Almost there!” Peter announces while plunging his blades into the boss’s back.

  I’m so glad I don’t get tired from running. Unfortunately, neither does the boss. I almost trip as I notice it warming up for a charge.

  “I thought you said it only charges every 25%!” I scream at Peter.

  “It’s also on a timer!” he barely squeaks out before the boss runs straight for me, resembling a hairy, horned train.

  “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” I hold my hand out in front of me, not to stop the beast, but to attempt something desperate.

  I cast Illusory Clone in its path, then use Recall Weapon. surprisingly, those spells do not cancel each other out, and keeping my hand open makes my hammer return to the clone. As the boss approaches, my hammer slams into its face, trying to go in a straight line back cloneward. I recall it again, repeating the impact. A vicious grin spreads across my face, remembering an important detail in the description of Recall Weapon.

  It has no cooldown.

  With the rhythm of a jackhammer, I recall and release my hammer. As the boss approaches, roaring all the while, I begin roaring in return. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. even with the hammer turning its face into a bloody wreck, it keeps coming. The hits speed up as it grows closer.

  Three lumbering leaps from me, the boss topples forward, sliding. The body knocks me over, sprawling on the floor. The whole room shakes as the body impacts the wall.

  I let out a sigh. Holy shit.

  “Wooooooooooooo!” Peter cheers from across the room, both hands held up in the air. “You know how many people beat that boss with just two players? Nobody!”

  Lowgun says: Ahem.

  “Oh, sorry.” Peter blushes.

  I walk over to the body and loot it, chucking and shaking my head at Peter’s social fopa.

  Roll for Minotaurus Horn Ring [Need] [Greed]

  Roll for Axehead Bow [Need] [Greed]

  The Mad Mage’s Labyrinth completed!

  Levels 61-70 unlocked!

  Crossroads Online: Revolution unlocked!

  “Revolution.” I read the name aloud.

  “Yeah buddy.” Peter joins me next to the corpse. “We’re gonna kill the Honorlord.”