Earl says: Yo yo yo!

  Peter adds me to his party.

  “What’s up? Didn't skip ahead without me did you?” Peter asks in voice chat.

  “Nah, I leveled my mining to sixty and made most of a full set of bone steel armor.” I tell him.

  “Nice! Did you buy a necklace, ring, and cloak?”

  “Oh shit I forgot.” I say, slapping my forehead. I use my hertston to go shopping.

  “No worries, I’ll just grab you some strength pieces.”

  “Wait. I meant to ask you, does my class prioritize strength?”

  “Well I don’t know. You’re the only weaponmaster, I can't exactly look it up.” he says in-person, now that I’ve arrived in the city.

  “Well how do I tell?” I ask

  “My spells all say ‘scales with agility’ and I gain agility every time I level.” he tells me.

  “My spells don’t say anything of the sort, and I get strength, agility, and intellect at every level.”

  “Huh.” he strokes his chin. “So your class can use any stat.”

  “So do I have to choose what to prioritize? What does each stat do?”

  “Do you want the short version or the long version?” he asks with a serious tone.

  “Long version. I don’t know anything and it’s really starting to bug me.”

  He takes a deep breath.

  “Strength increases your damage and resistance. Most heavy-hitter classes and tanks use it. Agility increases your attack speed and dodge. Quick and dirty classes like mine, rogue, prefer it. Intellect increases your complex thinking and perception. Magic users, like my wizard, like it.”

  Peter takes another deep breath.

  “In the context of your class, I would guess strength boosts the damage of your weapons and your ability to take it. Agility increases how fast you can attack with your weapons, and how fast they can fly through the air. Intellect would increase your control over them, and knowing how to use them.”

  “Got it, I think.” I try to process the information. “So my damage output has been pretty high because my armor has been mostly strength boosting. My swings have been sluggish and sloppy because I've neglected my other stats.”

  “That makes sense, but it’s honestly the first I've ever heard of a class evenly split between all three stats. I assumed you only used strength and had you roll on that assumption during our dungeon. You could have used almost anything that dropped.” Peter winces. “Sorry.”

  “No biggie” I assure him. “That one guy that won every agility item got shit for it, so it’s probably for the best anyways.”

  “So,” Peter begins, inspecting me. “You’re fully loaded with strength. So why don’t we grab you a necklace and ring that grant intellect, and an agility cloak?”

  “Can’t get all three? The lightning bolt gave a boost across the board.” I ask.

  “Not at the auction house. Any gear that increases more than one stat is rare, and thus prohibitively expensive. All three might as well not exist, because if there’s anything listed, the asking price will be no less than a million gold.” he says, a sympathetic look on his face. “We could get single-stat stuff enchanted, but you’re just going to replace it anyways, so it’s kind of a big waste of money.”

  “Ok” I say, ready to be done thinking about this. My math headache is coming back.

  We walk into the auction house, and Peter helps me pick some things out. Another thousand gold down the drain. After I retrieve my purchases from the mailbox, I have something in every slot again since I lost Thunderspank’s gear. I try to suppress the unpleasant memory as I instead focus on the changes my new equipment has given me.

  Amethyst Pendant of Intellect - Uncommon necklace - Low intellect - Requires level 60

  Amethyst Ring of Intellect - Uncommon ring - Low intellect - Requires level 60

  Silk Cloak of Agility - Uncommon cloak - Low agility - Requires level 60

  I do feel… two smarter, and one faster. That’s how that works, right?

  “Now,” Peter says, rubbing his hands together. “Revolución!”

  At his prompting, I open my Next Steps guide and view the new story quest.

  Reclaim the Foundation Accepted!

  Meet with the Honorlord and his progeny 0/1

  “This guy again?” I ask, sighing.

  “Yeah, sorry. We gotta talk to him a handful of times before we finally guillotine him.” Peter pats me on the shoulder.

  We make our way to the palace.

  “So how many kids does this guy have in total?” I ask just before we go in.

  “Five, and all of them should be there.” Peter gives me a knowing look. We killed one already, and it might have stuck.

  We pass the many guards, making our way to the far back. As we get close, I count three children.

  Wauktug, First Son of Honorlord Mergigoth Dragonslayer. Level ??

  Wudhagh, Second Son of Honorlord Mergigoth Dragonslayer. Level ??

  Woghuglat, Fourth Son of Honorlord Mergigoth Dragonslayer. Level ??

  And of course, the big man himself.

  Honorlord Mergigoth Dragonslayer. Level ??

  So the one we killed isn’t here, and neither is Lagakh.

  “Stay cool.” Peter whispers to me before we reach the throne.

  Before I have the chance to lose my cool, the Honorlord bolts to his feet, murderous intent in his eyes.

  “Your crime is regicide and the sentence is death!” He draws his axe, a huge black and red edge with the most evil aura I've ever seen. As he approaches, I look between him and Peter, waiting for him to do something. Before the Honorlord can reach and behead us both, I shout the first thing that comes to mind.

  “I demand a duel to prove our innocence!”

  “I would end your life in a single strike.” The Honorlord growls at me.

  “Oh certainly, my honorable… Honorlord.” I cough. “That’s why I request an opponent of equal skill to fight in your stead.”

  The Honorlord scowls at me.

  “Orc law demands that I accept your duel. In my stead, the captain of the Honorguard shall slaughter you.” The Honorlord smirks at me.

  I smile in return, only losing my spark of hope when Peter gives me a look that tells me our situation hasn’t improved. The captain swaggers out from a side room, locking eyes with me immediately. Jewelry jingles and jangles from every inch of his body, piercings hang from his stomach in two rows, like he has eight nipples. He does not, but his two are also pierced, of course. His eyebrows, nose, forehead, cheeks, and ears are so heavily decorated they sag. Horrifyingly, his mouth is sealed shut by multiple rings.

  Captain Borgan of the False Mouth Clan. Level 72

  He’s armored from the waist down only, a huge tower shield on one arm, and an axe in his other hand. He uses the axe to beat rhythmically on his shield. The other guards positioned around the room follow suit, creating a cacophony of metal-on-metal. Suddenly, the noise stops all at once, and the captain charges me. I have almost no time to react, but manage to cast Illusory Clone and Telekinetic Taunt one after the other to redirect him. I might as well not have bothered, because he continues charging directly at me instead of my clone.

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

  “He’s immune to taunt!” Peter hollers from his place in the audience.

  Yeah, no kidding. I raise my shield, blocking the first strike. He stands there, axe on my shield, face-to-face with me. If his appearance wasn’t intimidating enough, at this distance I notice the complete lack of sound coming from him. The piercings holding his mouth shut are either enchanted, or he’s practiced completely silent breathing. I let him waste time unnerving me, stalling for my clone to reach us and start wailing on his back.

  He barely moves as the oversized hammer impacts him. His expression doesn't change as the beating forces blood out of his tight-lipped mouth. In a burst of movement, he deflects the next hammer strike with his shield, then swings wide of my shield and gets me in my right arm. The pain is excruciating, I dare not look down at the limb I can feel swingingly limply at my side.

  Nullifying the strikes on my shield and armor with Distribute, I used my Thunder God spells in conjunction with Split Sword, creating a swarm of brick-sized hammer pieces shooting lightning bolts at the captain. I didn’t know that would work before I did it, a satisfied but pained smile on my face as my opponent is peppered with electricity. He has to give this new source of damage his full attention, turning his back to me.

  It’s a shame I only have one good weapon, and it’s currently floating out of my hand with this opportunity presented. I use my shield to bash his exposed back, almost shoving him completely over. He uses the axe to swing blindly behind him, catching me weakly in the stomach. He might as well be fighting two opponents. When Thunder God and Split Sword run out of time, I cast Tornado Edge, and push him into the blender with my shield. He continues swinging impotently at me, unable to take his eyes and shield off of the much more dangerous attacks coming from the other side.

  He manages to endure the storm, having a quarter health left. When Tornado Edge ends, I summon Thunderhead to me, allowing the captain to turn his attention back to me. He launches a flurry of attacks, not expecting my orbiting Circular Saw hammer that appears between us. It slams against his shield, mimicking the loud intimidation dance from earlier. I slowly push him back by walking towards him, then suddenly rush him, impaling him on the Wall of Swords I cast while I had his undivided attention.

  He dies in complete silence, without even a final breath.

  In fact, the entire room is dead quiet.

  “Your innocence…” The Honorlord says through gritted teeth, “Is proven.”

  “That was awesome!” Peter runs over to high-five me, ignoring all sense of decorum. I try to lift my right arm, but it does not respond.

  I finally look down, and see past my elbow is hanging on by a thin strip of flesh. A wave of nausea hits me, followed by renewed pain now that the adrenaline is wearing off. Even though I left him hanging, Peter places a bottle filled with red liquid in my still-working left hand.

  “Drink that, it’s a health potion.” He tells me.

  I do, and instantly my arm re-attaches itself with a SHLORK sound, healthy and whole again.

  “Have these been a thing the whole time?” I ask Peter, looking at the empty bottle with “Low Health Potion” written on a label in fancy font.

  “Yeah.” he responds. “It didn’t occur to me until now that you didn’t know.”

  I give him a look, but the memory of receiving 99 potions from Thunderspank hits me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t use a single damned one of them!

  One of the younger sons clears his throat, pulling our attention back to the matter at hand.

  “Our warlocks have managed to reactivate the old portal network, and connected one here in Masstaoir to the hub in Foundation. Use it, and reclaim our homeland from the human parasites.” Woghuglat, the youngest son with the deepest voice, orders us.

  “Yes sir.” Peter steps in before I can do or say something to get us back into trouble.

  Reclaim the Foundation accepted!

  Push back the human forces 0/1

  We take our leave, none of the orcish leadership or guards present say a word. It’s eerie, but I prefer it over the usual treatment we get in this throne room.

  “How’d you know the orcish law of duels?” Peter asks me when we’re back on the street.

  “It’s actually my third duel. The first time a bear druid tried to tattle on me to the Honorlord. Then there was that one with Helga and Thunderspank” I count on my fingers

  “Right, I totally forgot about that.” Peter snaps his fingers, nodding.

  We both mount up, but before we move on to our destination Peter oggles my new mount, the goat-driven chariot of the thunder god.

  “Where’d you get that?”

  “Class quest I did while you were getting the dungeon group together.” I tell him, running my hand across the railing.

  Peter tries to pet one of the goats, who tries to bite off his fingers.

  “You got a class mount at 60? Lucky you. Most don’t until level 70ish, when we retreat to our class refuges. My class gets a panther.”

  “Retreat? Class refuges?” I say, head cocked.

  “Yeah, when the dragons attack the capital cities we all split to our class’s headquarters.” He tells me nonchalantly.

  “Spoilers.” I say. With that out of the way, we ride towards our destination in the city. Another district I haven't visited yet, and frankly I'm not sure if they spontaneously come into existence when they become relevant, or if they’ve been there the whole time. “What’s this part of the city for?”

  “Oh, back in the day you used to have to visit a class trainer to learn any new spells, this is where you’d find them. Nowadays it’s a total ghost town.” He makes a sweeping gesture.

  “Is there a Weaponmaster trainer?” I block the sun from my eyes with my hand, scanning our surroundings. Huts of different sizes line the slightly hilly area, less muddy than the lower district where our favorite inn is, but also less developed than the high district of the Honorlord.

  “I guess there should be. Ask a guard.” Peter points to one of the orc guards nearby, identical to every other one in the city.

  “Hey,” I say, walking up to him. “Where's the Weaponmaster trainer?” Without a word, a new map marker pops up. I make my way to it. In a little hut is a figure cloaked in shadow, it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust before I can make out their features.

  Thorn, the Stinger. Level 60

  A person with scorpion features sits in a meditative pose, most of their shiny black carapace covered by a plain hooded robe and a blindfold. His mandibles click together in the silence. A dagger floats lazily, hovering around his tent.

  Earl says: Can beastmen be scorpions or are they something else?

  Peter says: Yep, they’re a beastman. Desert variety.

  I decided to ask Peter in chat instead of being rude to the Real-Non-Player-Character for once.

  “Have you come to learn?” Thorn asks, making me jump. They laugh.

  “I’ll go ahead and ask the obvious question; how did you know I was here?” I ask.

  “I can sense your weapon. A…” They pause, their dagger hovering in place. “Hammer. A very, very big hammer. With an affinity for electricity.”

  “Correct, you said you can sense it?”

  “Indeed. Come closer, I will show you the way.” He holds out a claw to me.

  I approach, as soon as my hand touches his pincer, an interface window opens up. It’s completely empty, but by the layout I would guess it’s meant to have my class spells in it. Simultaneously, system messages pop up.

  Weapon Sense added to spells.

  New Master added to spells.

  Weapon Sense - You are aware of the presence and attributes of nearby weapons.

  New Master - Extremely long cooldown - Extremely short duration - Gain control over a weapon that you do not have equipped.

  Recalling the vibe check I performed on the Honorlord’s axe, I think I may have already been using my Weapon Sense. I wasn’t aware of it though, especially the sixth sense. The cheat move I used to help Helga win her duel against Thunderspank sounds like New Master. At least these abilities have names now. It appears on a second bar above the first, since there's no more room.

  “You know, it is customary for Weaponmasters to allow their weapons to introduce themselves to each other.” Thorn tells me, his dagger floating closer to me.

  Now that I can get a good look at it, I admire the craftsmanship. A small stiletto dagger, all black with a green teardrop gem set in the crossguard.

  “Like dogs sniffing each other's butts?” Peter asks from outside the tent. Even without eyes, Thorn gives him a look that shuts him up.

  I urge Thunderhead forward, allowing the floating weapons to interact.

  Hello! the dagger says in a shrill voice.

  Greetings! Thunderhead responds.

  “I can hear it!” I announce, too loudly in the small tent. Thorn rubs the side of his head with one pincer. “Sorry.”

  “Yes, that is one ability of many your Weapon Sense gives you.” he tells me.

  My name is Pierce! the little floating dagger tells us.

  Thunderhead, Slayer of Giants, Bringer of Thunder, Master of Lightning!

  The pair continue exchanging pleasantries, and move on to combat strategies. I only interrupt them in embarrassment after they start gushing about their masters.

  “Alright Thunderhead, we ought to get moving. We’ve got a quest to complete.” The hammer bows to the dagger, and soundlessly re-sheaths itself in my belt loop. “It’s been a pleasure meeting you.” I bow to Thorn, following my weapon’s example.

  “You as well, new master.” Thorn returns the bow. “Return to me should you need further instruction.”

  “I will.” I tell Thorn. “Do you ever use spells before you get them officially?” I ask Peter a few steps from the hut.

  “Nope. If it’s not in my spellbook it’s inaccessible.” He looks at me, catching the reason for my question. “You do?”

  “Yeah. Sometimes it feels like either I or the game is making it up as we go along. Almost like my class is still in development, a collaborative effort?” I shrug.

  “That’s ridiculous. The players might not know every single class in the game yet, but they’re all fully fleshed out before we discover them.” He stops in the street. “They must be.”

  UNLOCKING THE WEAPONMASTER CLASS Crossroads Online Monday night stream. Rewards Unlocked!

  11/3/35 02:14 PM

  “GODDAMNIT!” Thunderspank screams at his monitor, slamming both fists down on his keyboard. Keys fly everywhere, and after a few deep breaths he unboxes a brand new, identical keyboard and replaces the broken one. On-screen, he deletes his fourth new character.

  “How the fuck did Earl unlock this fucking class?” he yells, as his chat throws spaghetti at the wall. Thunderspank turns his gaming chair around and crosses out a line of words on a whiteboard.

  Reach level ten with a shield and sword equipped

  Reach level ten with a legendary sword and epic shield equipped

  Reach level ten with Esquire equipped

  Kill exactly 11 boars 238 elves and 1 treant with Esquire before level ten

  Thunderspank stares at the whiteboard, ignoring suggestions from chat behind him.

  “Let’s try getting to level ten with all of my gear equipped.” He says, writing the idea down.