I didn`t sleep a wink. After Vyke had left I was stuck with the taste of her in my mouth. Once my adrenaline had worn off and the warmth of her body left mine, all I was left with was a feeling of disgust. I felt vioted, emascuted and used. She had muscled her way into my room, pinned me down, called me a girl and forced herself on me.

  I felt like I was going to be sick, like my very core had been breached and I was left with this feeling of cold emptiness. Of all the things she had done to me, this was by far the worst. Not because it had gone beyond everything else, not because she had invaded the sanctuary of my room and vioted my body. It was because I had enjoyed it.

  She had preyed on my loneliness and insecurity and reduced me to some kind of py thing. Something she could just do as she pleased with and rather than resist I would just take it, forcing myself to find pleasure in it.

  When the sun rose I stood in front of the mirror, shirtless, in my underwear. I looked at my gaunt frame, my weak muscles and my soft face. I disgusted myself. Usually I was of little mind regarding my appearance. We ghouls weren`t exactly known for our looks. But to be made to feel good, about something that wasn`t even me.

  To feel pleasure at the idea of being a woman rather than a man. A pit formed in my stomach and I tried to stuff everything I had in it. All my feelings of anger, all my emotions, all my inadequacy. I stuffed them all down until there was nothing left, nothing but my most basic of drives.

  I threw on my pants and hoodie and left my room. I couldn`t stay in it any longer, it had been tainted. I moved through my morning routine, grabbed a coffee and two protein bars. Maybe the extra helping would bulk me up a bit.

  I arrived at css an hour early and just sat there, alone, with my coffee, my food and my thoughts. Distancing myself from st night had helped, I felt some measure of control return to me. A single act of weakness didn`t make me any less of a man than I already was.

  I had gone through orientation just like all of the other awakened. I had been instructed on how a man is supposed to act, supposed to be. Sure I cked a masculine build but that was due to my ghoulish nature, not some inherent femininity.

  I was still a man, no matter what Vyke had said. Still, my confidence had been shaken, I needed to do something to firm it up. To remind myself just how much of a man I was. Something to prove Vyke wrong. I bit my lip, knowing then what I had to do but not liking it.

  My morning csses went by slowly, I couldn`t focus, couldn`t get Vyke out of my head. She dominated my thoughts like she had dominated me and I needed it to stop. With every css that passed the anger and hatred grew inside of me.

  Lunch couldn`t have come fast enough. I made my way to the courtyard, I didn`t take my usual seat and dig into my lunch. Instead, I waited for Vyke and her minions, ready to confront them. To stand up for myself. To be a man.

  They would be here, they were always here at this time, looking for me. Sure enough, there they were, approaching slowly. Vyke led them with that cocky over-confident demeanour of hers. I felt my heart swell with hatred and bile creeped into the back of my throat as I remembered her lips on mine.

  She spotted me, locked eyes with mine. She could sense something was different about me. I was unhinged, unstable, rendered raw by her defilement. I needed to make it right.

  “Hey little corpse eater. No bone mulch for you today?”, one of Vykes friends began.

  “What`s the matter? Not feeling the love today? That`s okay, I doubt you`ve ever felt such a thing in all your existence.”, the other commented.

  Both chuckled amongst themselves and looked for Vyke to join in. She did so with hesitation.

  “Yeah, who could ever love such an ugly creature.”, she blurted out half-heartedly. Her usual aggression had faded, there was a measure of caution about her.

  She obviously remembered what had happened st night. How she had come to me, sad and alone, looked to me for comfort and warmth. She had made herself vulnerable to me and I was so ready to strike at that weakness.

  “No yeah, you guys are totally right. Who could ever love someone as ugly as me. Heck I don`t even think you could pay someone enough to even kiss me.”, I chimed in to their surprise.

  The colour faded from Vyke`s face and her two minions looked at each other confused for a moment.

  “Uh yeah, corpse eater, more like corpse kisser am I right.”, I continued, letting the momentum carry me. I had them confused, their guard was down. “You know, speaking of kissing, st night-“

  I didn`t get to finish my sentence, next thing I knew I was on the ground and my face pulsed with a burning pain. I looked up and there was Vyke, a panicked look on her face and a fist outstretched.

  She realised then what she had done and forced herself to regain control, to exude a measure of discipline.

  “Let`s go, I`m sick of this little fuckers attitude.”, she decred, walking away, her minions following close, confused.

  [---]

  I sat in my room, curtains closed, comforted only by the dark. I put my fingers to my face where Vyke had punched me, it stung, it was going to leave a mark. Ghouls bruised easily, it came with having thin skin. I marvelled for a second at how fragile we were and wondered how we survived the dark days.

  I thought about Vyke, that look of panic she had on her face the moment after she punched me. She was desperate to keep what she had done a secret and I couldn`t bme her. Associating with a ghoul was social suicide and if she really was as lonely as she cimed then the st thing she needed was a reason for her friends to abandon her.

  The punch, despite the damage it had done, also broke the angst I had submerged himself in. It had lifted the miasma of hatred that clouded my mind and drove my actions. Now I only felt shame. Sure, revealing Vyke`s secret and destroying her social life would have felt good in the short term. But in the long term, it would have haunted me.

  We ghouls were no longer creatures of malice and pain. We were better now, awake and aware. Sure our past still followed us around, but we were determined to reshape our future. How could I have forgotten that? The very basics of being a ghoul, of being awoken, of being a healer. To do no harm.

  I took a deep breath and crawled onto my bed, into a ball and closed my eyes. The sun hadn`t started setting yet but I was so tired, I needed to get some sleep.

  I was woken up by a knock at my door. I couldn`t tell if I had been asleep few a few minutes or a few hours. It felt like the former, but when I checked outside the sun was long gone. I rose up and wondered over to the door and opened it absent minded.

  It was Vyke.

  I tried to close the door but she shoved her boot cd foot in the way.

  “Let me in.”, she demanded, cold and firm. I did as she asked, too tired to fight her anymore. Whatever happened was going to happen, whether I liked it or not. I just reminded myself of those three important words, ‘do no harm’.

  She walked into my room and I closed the door behind her. I could smell the feint scent of booze on her but she carried herself better than the other night. She had clearly been drinking but if I had to guess, it was to gain courage rather than numb pain. Curious.

  “Sit.”, she commanded, pointing at my bed. Again I did as she asked. I wasn`t in the mood for her to force me down there again.

  She grabbed my chair and positioned it before me and took a seat. She looked at me and I looked away, submissive to her intrusion. I wasn`t going to fight her, I was going to do what a ghoul was supposed to do. I would take my punishment and I would move on, determined to do better next time.

  “Listen, I`m sorry I hit you.”, Vyke spoke, to my surprise. “I didn`t mean to hit you that hard. You`re a lot lighter than you look.”

  “Hollow bones.”, I informed her. Not a lot of people knew that, but us ghouls had hollow bones, like birds. Made us more agile but also a lot more fragile.

  “That makes sense I guess.”, she replied, reaching out a hand to check the bruise forming on my face. I winced and pulled away from her.

  “What do you want Vyke?”, I spat at her, not ready to defy her but tired and desperate for her to just get whatever she was going to do over with.

  “I wanted to talk to you. About the other night. You need to understand that nobody can know about that. Not ever.”, she told me, a stern look on her face.

  “I know.”, I said.

  “So I`m going to make you a deal. You keep what happens between us a secret and I`ll stop picking on you on Campus.”, she offered, looking to gauge my reaction.

  I looked at her gingerly then back down again.

  “Sure. Whatever you want.”, I agreed. I needed this to be over with, for her to just leave me alone. She noticed that, my choice of words, my submissive demeanour.

  “Whatever I want huh?”, she remarked, her stern expression melting into a predatory gaze. “Come sit on my p then.”

  I looked at her, eyes cast down, not meeting hers. She was testing me, seeing how far she could use my own words against me. I was done fighting. If I just gave in, just rolled over and did as I was told, it would be over sooner.

  I got up and sat on her p, my legs spread so I was straddling her. She put her big rough hands on my soft hairless thighs and a chill ran up my spine.

  “Good girl.”, she said. I looked at her stunned, those words, that humiliation. I bit back my desire to strike at her, to prove her wrong. But violence would do nothing but damn me, I had to be better than that. I would just have to take whatever she did to me and try not to enjoy it.

  She brushed my hair behind my ear, revealing the unmarred side of my cheek and my slender neck. The gentleness of her touch sent goose bumps throughout my body. My breathing grew heavy and I felt this urge to pull away, to py coy.

  She wrapped her big strong arms around me and pulled me close, pressing her face into the crux of my neck. I felt her breath on my skin, warm and thick, my own body grew warm in response. I didn`t know what she was doing to me, didn`t understand how she could be enjoying this.

  This must have been my punishment for standing up to her, for trying to speak out of turn. She wasn`t going to hurt me, she was going to humiliate me. Make me hers out of sight so that she could do whatever she wanted with me.

  I should have resisted her, should have fought her. Even if I lost at least then I could say I tried. That I had put up some kind of a protest. But all I could think, was ‘do no harm’.

  So I just sat there, my hands on her shoulders, steadying myself as she held me close and breathed into my neck. Then I felt her lips pressed against my skin, cracked wet lips on soft tender flesh. I couldn`t control what happened next, I let out a gasp, more like a moan if I`m being honest. A soft pathetic moan that was the signal and confirmation for my submission to her.

  I felt a smile creep across her face and something in my underwear grow hard with anticipation.

  PrincessKay