Volume 4 Chapter 23: Clove Knot

  My hasty departure must have been known to Xuan Qing. However, he didn't come looking for me.

  I appreciate his understanding, for this understanding, even if I choose to keep a distance from him, I can still gain a little peace of mind, and in that peace, numb my chaotic heart.

  When I returned, Lingyun Peak's Zen house was also tidied up by Qianxi, with flowers and trees planted in the courtyard, welcoming me back with joy after my recovery.

  The days passed like this, uneventfully. But in this uneventfulness, I had more and more time to lean on the windowsill and stare blankly, often at dusk or dawn. When my spirits were slightly better, I carefully sowed the seeds of evening primrose that I had collected from Qingliangtai into the soil, watching as they sprouted shallow green shoots.

  Qingyu sighed softly and accompanied me. One day, she asked: "Madam, since you returned from Qingliangtai after your illness, you seem like a different person."

  I gazed at the newly born tender leaves that were unfolding one by one in a delicate green hue on the branch, and softly said: "After being ill for a while, I may have lost weight again."

  Ling Yu gazed at me silently, "What happened on Qingliangtai?"

  I smiled wearily, "Nothing, Xiaoshi."

  "If it's really nothing, then why does Lord Wen come here often nowadays, while the prince hasn't set foot in this place again?"

  As she said, Wen Shi Chu indeed often came to see me.

  His hand rested on my pulse and he said gently: "Your body has recovered a lot. It's just that your spirit is still poor, why don't you go out for a walk to clear your mind?"

  I withdrew my hand and dropped my sleeve. He looked at me silently, "Xuan sister, I always feel that since you returned from Qingliangtai, you have been depressed."

  I raised an eyebrow and said, "My melancholy didn't start today, why drag Qingliangtai into it?"

  He fell silent, with a hint of concern and relief in his eyes, "Perhaps I was just being paranoid. But you leaving Qingliangtai is also a good thing for you."

  "Really?"

  "Not bad", Wen Shi Chu's gaze had a thread of inexplicable complexity, "I always feel that Qing He Wang is a kind of danger, easy to be deceived. It's better not to get close to him."

  "Infatuated?" I smiled calmly, "Are you worried that I'm infatuated with him?"

  "No, no, no," he waved his hand, "I was just thinking of you, it didn't mean that."

  I lazily leaned on the table, my fingers gently stroking the peach blossom in the bottle, and said lightly: "No matter what you mean, I won't care."

  The peach blossoms are in full bloom with vibrant colors, but I suddenly feel tired of them. The bright red flowers can't compare to the elegant and refreshing green plum blossoms.

  Thinking so, let the peach blossoms bloom and fall as they may, this spring has passed in such a way.

  One day in late spring, when the flowers had fallen and their fragrance lingered on the ground. On this day, I was in a good mood and remembered that the zither "Changxiangsi" had been left with Empress Shugui for repair after its strings were damaged, almost a year ago. Calculating the time, it should have been repaired by now. So I got up to visit Empress Shugui who was practicing in Anqiao Temple.

  But I didn't expect that as I pushed the door open, I would see Xuan Qing standing right in front of me, leaning against the side of Shu Gui's imperial carriage with his hands clasped behind his back, enthusiastically saying something. His figure suddenly appeared before my eyes, and for a moment, I held my breath - it had been three months since we last saw each other.

  Qingliangtai is not very far from where I live. I thought to myself, when you want to see each other, you can see each other every day, but once you deliberately avoid each other, even such a short distance can be like the ends of the earth.

  As I thought so, my heart skipped a beat and my footsteps slowed down. Just as I was about to quietly retreat, however, Ji Yun saw me and smiled as he walked up to greet me: "It's been a long time since you've come, young lady."

  Xuan Qing heard the sound and turned his head to look at me, with a bright smile on his lips like a clear blue sky. He nodded at me slightly. In my heart, I silently thought that after being apart for three months, he had actually lost quite a bit of weight.

  I didn't dare retreat anymore, so I also stepped forward, bowed to Princess Shu Gui and smiled at him.

  The princess beckoned me to come over and smiled: "Today the weather is fine, you rarely want to go out for a walk." Chatted like this for a while. The three of us stood together in the backyard, looking at the fallen flowers on the ground silently on the lush grass. Turning my head, I saw Xuan Qing standing with his hands behind his back, tall and slender, with a calm and peaceful expression, and I also felt very quiet in my heart.

  After a long time, Shu Gui Taifei smiled and said: "It's been a long time since I've enjoyed the falling flowers so quietly."

  I smiled faintly: "The fallen petals are not heartless things, turning into spring mud to protect the flowers. It's actually more beautiful than the spring flowers themselves."

  Xuan Qing glanced at me subtly and quickly turned away as if nothing had happened.

  The Shu Gui Imperial Consort smiled and picked up a fallen flower in her hand, saying softly: "In this season of falling flowers, listening to the soundless fall of flowers, I'd rather listen to the sound of the qin instead." She called for Ji Yun to go to the inner hall and said to me: "The qin strings that were damaged last time have been repaired. You can try playing it now to see if it's suitable for you."

  It has been over a year since I last played the piano after the strings broke.

  Xuan Qing's smile slowly spread to his eyes, my gaze was drawn by him, lingering on his waist, and my heart felt a warmth that quickly turned cold. Indeed, on the golden silk belt around his waist, he had tied that flute called "Long Xiang Shou".

  In case...

  Before I could even think of a way out, he said: "Just right. My son has been carrying 'Longing for Each Other' with him all the time, and can play it together with you." He told me calmly: "I still remember clearly how we played 'Longing for Each Other' together in the past, your piano skills are very good."

  I deliberately didn't look at him, but humbly said to Imperial Noble Consort Shu: "The former owner of 'Chang Xiang Si' is present, how dare I boast about my own piano skills? It's really a case of 'carrying a sword in front of a master'. As for the matter of playing together with the prince, it was also something that happened many years ago. The prince didn't mention it, and I almost forgot."

  Xuan Qing's eyes dimmed slightly, as if the bright candle flame had been blown out by a strong gust of wind, but then returned to normal.

  The Empress Dowager's expression changed, as if intoxicated and enchanted. She smiled warmly and said: "After the Emperor passed away, I never touched 'Longing for Each Other' again. This ensemble sound has not been heard again."

  "I made an excuse, saying: 'In a Buddhist temple, playing the zither and music might not be quite suitable.'"

  Jiyun advised, "The imperial concubine and the princess are just passing by to burn incense and pray, and the prince is also a wealthy and idle person. Since all three of them understand music theory and aren't making licentious sounds in this pavilion, it's actually not a problem."

  Xuan Qing's eyes looked at me as if inquiring. Although I couldn't bear to refuse, my rationality also didn't allow myself to agree.

  I was about to speak when the expression on Imperial Noble Consort Shu's face had already turned into a sorrowful one, like thin frost on a green tile. She said: "Then, Zhen Niangzi, please fulfill this widow's wish in her lifetime. I very much want to hear once more the wonderful sound of 'Chang Xiang Si' and 'Chang Xiang Shou' being played together."

  Tears were welling up in her amber-colored eyes, and I couldn't bear to refuse anymore, so I said: "Okay."

  Xuan Qing gazed at me and asked in a gentle tone, "What would you like to play?"

  I closed my eyes, and what floated up to the top of my mind was that day when I played the piano in Tongli Palace to relieve my worries. The half-verse of "Chang Xiang Si" that I couldn't continue playing was actually continued by him from afar outside the side hall. So I blurted out: "Play 'Chang Xiang Si'."

  But as soon as he spoke, he also excitedly said: "How about 'Chang Xiang Si'?"

  The Empress Dowager smiled and said, "You two are indeed of one mind."

  My face slightly flushed, I felt a bit uneasy, and hurriedly smiled: "It's just that the name of the zither 'Longing for Each Other' made me think of this place with Wang Ye."

  He also said: "The queen mother loves to joke. My wife and I are not really like-minded, it's just that we were born in response to the situation."

  Shu Gui Taifei smiled and said: "Very good. Although I'm not very familiar with literature, I do know Li Qinglian's 'Chang Xiang Si'. Why don't we just use this one?"

  I responded with a nod, tuned the strings and began to play. At the same moment, his flute sounded softly and rose up, clear and vast like a spring in a secluded valley, gentle and refreshing as the human heart.

  The familiar sound of the flute. My initial unease was instantly soothed by his silent and soundless flute playing. The noble consort, Shu Gui, listened intently with her ear inclined, seemingly deeply absorbed. I finished one piece, and heard that his flute playing showed no signs of stopping or hesitation. With a slight turn of my head, I saw him raise his eyes and smile at me lightly. I concentrated for a moment, and in an instant, I understood; the melody followed his flute sound and started again from the beginning.

  But then a gentle and soft female voice accompanied our duet, humming along in harmony.

  Longing for you, my heart is torn apart. The sun's color is about to fade, the flowers are shrouded in mist, the moon is bright and clear, but I am sleepless with sorrow. The zither of Zhao has just stopped playing on the phoenix pillar, the Shu qin wants to play the swan string. This melody has a meaning that no one can convey, I wish to send it with the spring breeze to Yan Ran. Thinking of you, far away across the blue sky, in the past, your eyes were like horizontal waves, now they are a fountain of tears. Don't believe that my intestines are broken, come back and see me in front of the bright mirror.

  Longing for each other, in Chang'an. The autumn cicada's cry echoes by the golden well, the frost is chilly and the mat's color is cold. The solitary lamp is dim, my thoughts are about to be cut off, I roll up the curtain and gaze at the moon with a long sigh. The beautiful person is like a flower beyond the clouds, above there is the vast blue sky, below there are the rippling waves of the river. The heavens are far away, the earth is distant, my soul flies in sorrow, my dream soul cannot reach the difficult mountain pass.

  This sorrowful and bewildered melody, the flute's sound is faint and lingering, yet without any sorrow or resentment. Even my own zither's sound only feels clear and bright, not stagnant. And Shu Gui Taifei's singing voice, her emotions are gentle and lingering, but not mournful.

  The music ended, and I felt a sense of relief in my heart, as if all my worries had been poured out with the melody.

  The Shu Gui Imperial Concubine smiled as if welcoming the blooming flowers, and nodded her head: "Since the previous emperor's passing, it has been a long time since I last heard the sound of 'Chang Xiang Si' and 'Chang Xiang Shou' being played together. You two have not disappointed this pair of guqin and flute."

  I smiled humbly and said: "It's been years since I last played the piano, my hands are inevitably a bit rusty, fortunately it didn't tarnish the princess's ears too much."

  The princess gazed lovingly at the qin and flute, gently stroking the instrument's body with a smile: "Very good, now that I've heard it today, I can finally put my mind at ease. In the past, I only thought you were beautiful and intelligent, so the Emperor bestowed 'Chang Xiang Si' upon you. I was worried for several days, fearing that if your music skills were rough, it would truly be a waste of my 'Chang Xiang Si'. Now that I've heard it, I'm overjoyed to see that this qin has found a worthy owner who cherishes it."

  "I hastily said: 'Your Highness is overpraising me, how dare I be worthy of it.'"

  The Empress Dowager Shu Gui said seriously, "I'm not trying to flatter you." She slightly concentrated her mind, as if immersed in the beautiful memories, with a smile like flowers and snow piling on trees, clear moonlight, "Today, hearing the piano and flute playing together again, it has the same flavor as when I played with the late Emperor."

  The Empress Dowager Shu said something carelessly, I heard it in my ears, and the five strings of my heart were plucked by someone's hand, making a loud noise. Unconsciously turning my head, I met Xuan Qing's gaze, and my heart felt hot, my face turned red and my ears burned.

  "Tai Fei is right. Other instruments are easy to play, but our 'Longing for Each Other' and 'Longing to Guard Each Other' are different. They require not only skill and technique from the player, but also a deep understanding between the players when performing together. What's more important is that there must be emotional depth in the music, or else where is the flavor of longing and guarding?"

  My heart tightened, but my face remained calm as I smiled and said: "Hearing Ji Yun say this, it's as if a blind cat stumbled upon a dead mouse. It was just a coincidence, wasn't it? I've only played with the prince once, so to say we know each other is passable, but if you talk about emotions and flavor, that would be truly laughable. And for no reason, it would make the empress dowager laugh."

  "Ah, it's just me being happy, I've looked at it carefully, don't mind me, daughter-in-law."

  "How dare I."

  The Empress Dowager Shu Gui slowly poured a cup of tea and handed it to me, smiling faintly: "To get back to the point, the most important thing for accompanists is the tacit understanding between each other. If this understanding is lost, no matter how high one's skills are, it will all be in vain. In short, I have been able to hear the harmonious sounds of 'Chang Xiang Si' and 'Chang Xiang Shou' again today, and I am content."

  Xuan Qing accompanied Shu Gui Taifei and also smiled: "In the past, it was just a harmonious performance of piano and flute, now there is also the empress dowager's singing, it can be said to be perfect and flawless."

  I also smiled: "Indeed, as Wang Ye said, the piano and flute ensemble can only feel the rhyme between them, but it's not as good as singing out the lyrics of 'Chang Xiang Si' directly. The emotions in the world are straightforward and clear when it comes to the Empress, rather than being implicit and subtle, which suits the Empress's temperament."

  The empress smiled and rubbed my hair affectionately, saying: "Zhen Niangzi is also my confidante now."

  I smiled and said: "The Empress Dowager says so, it can be seen that she is truly fond of me."

  The Empress Dowager Shu Gui smiled and patted the shoulder of Xuan Qing, brushing off a few fallen flowers for him. She said with a smile: "The confidant of the empress dowager is also your confidant. I suppose you can have a good conversation with Zhen Niangzi."

  Xuan Qing burst out laughing, "Mother Empress doesn't know that in the past when discussing poetry, books and historical theories, if I wasn't careful, I would lose to my daughter. It's truly embarrassing."

  The Empress Dowager Shu Gui burst out laughing, pointing at me and saying: "Feng Zhi's wife looks gentle and soft-spoken, but I didn't expect her words to be so sharp that they could make my son surrender. This is truly remarkable."

  I covered my mouth and smiled: "The king is humble to the point of being inarticulate, does the queen really believe it? The king was just coaxing me with a couple of words in front of you. Who knows how he'll laugh at me behind his back."

  Xuan Qing hastily said: "Really, I'm telling the truth, I absolutely dare not make fun of your wife."

  After chatting and laughing for a while, they dispersed. Xuán Qīng also bid farewell to the Grand Empress Dowager and escorted me down the mountain.

  Xuan Qing walked beside me, Ah Jin led the horse far behind us, the mountain road wound its way, a gentle breeze blew against our faces, carrying the scent of lush green grass and the sound of wind chimes from the horse's neck, faintly heard in the distance, like someone singing a joyful song. The horse's hooves stepped on the fallen flowers in the wilderness, releasing sweet and fragrant juice that filled the air with its aroma. He and I walked silently side by side, about a fist's distance apart, neither of us saying a word.

  At the mountain pass, a large clump of wild banana plants grew, with bright sunlight pouring down like a waterfall. The broad leaves of the banana plants were as big as if they were about to overlap each other, and in the golden light that scattered everywhere, their already emerald green color became even more vibrant and lush, almost dripping with dew. They emitted the fresh, healthy scent of growing plants. In the center of the banana tree, several new leaves had just sprouted, curled up in a tender yellow color, like several giant torches burning brightly. On the ground, where the grass grew long, a few branches of lilac flowers bloomed sparsely, their pale purple or light blue color delicate and gentle, like the shy smile of a young maiden.

  I see Xuan Qing smiling and gazing at the banana leaves and jasmine, I couldn't help but smile and say: "The banana leaves don't unfold, the jasmine flowers bloom, both facing the spring breeze with their own worries. Can the king laugh at this?"

  His eyes shone with a bright smile, "I don't know whether to praise the cleverness of the daughter or say that the daughter is formidable?"

  My laughter burst forth from the bottom of my heart, "So, Your Highness means that I coincidentally guessed correctly."

  Xuan Qing picked up a purple lilac and sniffed it gently, "It was only when I thought of this sentence that I smiled. Although the lilac and banana are in front of me now, but at this moment, both Qing and Niangzi are in a pleasant mood, without any sorrow or longing, so this sentence is really out of place."

  I smiled and pointed to the "Changxiangsi" in my arms, "With this thing here, it's not unseasonable. This guqin is called 'Changxiangsi' after all." I looked at the jasmine between his fingers and said softly, "It's very beautiful."

  Xuan Qing gazed at the flowers with a look of pity, then turned back to me with a clear and bright smile: "Indeed they are beautiful, but I don't intend to give them to you."

  I smiled and said: "Although I don't intend to ask for it, but still want to ask why."

  Xuan Qing's gaze shifted from the lilac to my face and said, "Lilacs are flowers of deep longing, I don't want you to be like that."

  "I am a cultivator, I won't be tainted by longing thoughts, Your Highness is worrying too much." I recalled what happened earlier and my gaze fell on his waist, I said: "'Longxiang Shou' is a precious item, does Your Highness always carry it with him?"

  "No," he shook his head and said: "It's just every time I come over here, that's when I bring it."

  I vaguely guessed the deep meaning in his words and felt a little frightened, so I hastily said: "The king has indeed shown great filial piety to the queen."

  In the past, when we were in the palace, he would only mention it briefly and then stop, never leaving any awkwardness. However, today was different from usual, and he continued to speak directly. "This is just one of them," his eyes suddenly lit up, and he said calmly: "It's because 'Chang Xiang Si' is with you." He spoke so calmly and naturally, as if it were a matter of course.

  With a heart like his, doesn't he know that he can't speak to me at will?

  I forced a smile and turned away, saying: "The king is really interesting, coming to find 'Longing for Each Other' for the sake of 'Faithful Love'."

  Xuan Qing's gaze was like the sun shining down from the sky, enveloping everyone in its warmth, leaving no escape. He said seriously: "Qing is the master of 'long-lasting love', and has come to find the master of 'long-lasting longing'."

  I grasped the hand of "Changxiang Si" and found my palms were sweating, sticking to the body of the guqin. I couldn't help but blush and muttered: "The prince is really good at joking."

  He looked at me helplessly and said after a long while: "You know I'm not joking with you."

  I steeled myself and suddenly raised my head to stare at him, saying coldly: "But I can only treat being a prince as a joke."

  He didn't stare at me, but gazed at me lightly and said: "In the past, you were the favored concubine in the palace, but now you're not. So what I'm saying is not a joke, you should take it as true. Since you left a note on Qingliang Tai without saying goodbye, I was afraid you'd be heartbroken and had a hard time, so I endured the pain of not looking for you. But do you know how difficult it was for me? The banana leaves don't unfold, the jasmine flowers bloom, each with their own worries in the spring breeze. I don't know if you're like me. But to me, because of your sentence 'I'm grateful for your kindness, but ashamed of not having a beauty that can topple cities', this spring is probably the most difficult one I've ever spent since birth."

  He said, his words suddenly infuriated me, and I swept my sleeve, saying: "I was once the favored concubine in the palace, so even if I were to be expelled from the palace walls, I would still not be able to escape the shadow of the imperial court." My eyes welled up with bitter tears, but I gritted my teeth and held them back. "People are not made of wood, Your Highness's intentions I am well aware of. It's just that I'm a lone wildflower, and as a remnant from the palace, I really don't want to have any further entanglements with the imperial family's nobles."

  "Because you were once his concubine, and I also came from the palace, so you can't accept me." He looked at me, with infinite sorrow and pity in his eyes. "I only ask you one thing, was there ever a day when you lived peacefully and happily in the palace?"

  Peace and joy? My heart suddenly aches. Every day, every moment, even with the grand and solemn favor. Which day I spent, was not like a knife edge biting blood, treading on thin ice?

  Peace and happiness, it's something I didn't even dare to think about.

  I just hope I can live on and make a better life for myself.

  "He muttered: 'Every time I met you, have you ever been truly happy? Even crying, you had to hold back with all your might.'"

  So many years of hardship, so many years of struggle, my sorrow and loss, only he has truly witnessed and comforted.

  "My heart feels desolate and I sigh: 'Even without those days in the palace, the past and now are still different after all.'"

  Darkness presses against my pupils, leaving me nowhere to hide. He asks me: "Is there any difference between the past and now?"

  In the hazy mist of tears, it turns out that he and Xuan Ling don't look alike after all. Xuan Ling's sharp edges have an imperial coldness, while Xuan Qing has warm and jade-like lines and demeanor. I almost shed tears, "Why are they different? In the past...I no longer have the heart of a young girl."

  He interrupted me, his voice cold and sharp: "In the past, you were the precious daughter of the Zhen family, with a face as beautiful as jade; now, you are the woman my imperial brother drove out of the palace to cultivate her spirit." He leaned in close to me, his breath so near it enveloped my head and face. "But whether in the past or present, aside from that period in the palace, you have always been free to go with anyone. From then until now, everything has not changed. The only difference is your heart." His words were like cold water dripping on stone, striking my heart again and again: "Where did the proud and brave, fearless Zhen Huan I once knew go?"

  "Where did she go?" I muttered to myself, as if asking him. The grievances and pain in my heart finally burst out, "She's dead! That Zhen Huan had already died at the time of our family's downfall! This one living now, called Mo Xiu, is just a shell left behind by Zhen Huan, not the Zhen Huan you knew!"

  I spat out the words that had been pent up in my heart for too long, one by one. Suddenly, I felt a moment of emptiness and weakness, stumbled a few steps, leaned against the stone wall, and panted heavily.

  His smile, in the midst of sorrow, revealed a hint of joy, that joy looked like a drowning man's straw. He said, "You just said people are not made of wood, so who can be without feelings? You also have a little bit of liking for me in your heart, right? Just like that day, you will call my name."

  I shook my head desperately, shaking myself dizzy, as if only in this way could I confirm my words. "Your Highness misunderstood. Because for many years Your Highness has treated me with kindness, I am not a fool, and I naturally understand your intentions towards me. However, understanding is one thing, but towards you, Your Highness, I can only be a confidant. If because of that day I rashly called out Your Highness's name and caused Your Highness to misunderstand, then it was my fault."

  His passion was dwindling like a candle flame, bit by bit. I leaned against the stone wall and said in a harsh tone: "Prince once said, 'There are many girls like clouds, but none of them are as lovely as you.' Although Miss of the Marquis of Pei's family is virtuous and beautiful beyond compare, you don't seem to like her. So today, I'll take the liberty of saying something that might be considered impolite: 'There are many girls like clouds, but none of them are as lovely as you.' This phrase really is quite good, and my thoughts about Prince are exactly the same. Although Prince is a son of the imperial family, with noble birth and close ties to the emperor, and possesses both literary and military talents that surpass those of others... I steeled myself and said coldly: "But I, Zhen Huan, don't like him either."

  The stone wall was icy and smooth, pressing hard against my back. My back felt a chill one moment and a burning sensation the next, as if I had contracted some serious illness. But in my mind, it was cool and clear. So cool that it felt like when I was a child playing in the snow, dipping my hands into the icy coldness until they became numb with a prickling sensation.

  His breathing was getting urgent, gradually becoming heavy, the heaviness and stagnation between each breath, desperately impacting my heart. His eyes seemed like those of a wounded beast, coldly despairing.

  How I fear to look at him, how I fear. I force myself not to turn my head to look at him, but with his gaze like this, covering the sky and earth, how can I escape? Being gazed at by him like this, a kind of inexpressible emptiness surges up, as if my whole heart has been hollowed out, unable to be filled again. My fingers tremble slightly, I'm afraid he'll see it, so I tightly hide them behind me, curled up into a ball.

  His expression gradually turned cold. After a long time, he pinned the carnation on his own collar and smiled bitterly: "You say so, then this carnation that thinks of you with such longing, it seems will belong to me."

  I steeled myself and said it, then rushed out, but didn't realize that I also had tears welling up in my eyes.

  Note:

  From the Tang Dynasty, Li Shangyin's "Instead of Gift", the full poem is: "The tower above the sunset wants to rest, the jade ladder is horizontal and the moon is like a hook. The banana leaves do not unfold, the jasmine knot, towards the spring breeze each with their own worries."