Jade Song

  I don't know how long it took, it seemed like a very long time, nor did I hear him leave. I didn't dare move, curled up in the quilt. The room was extremely warm, and hugging the quilt tightly, my body even broke out in a slight sweat, with a warmth on my back that felt like when I was young, lying on the grass in spring wearing a light red shirt, the newly grown grass blades were sharp and tender, just like that, separated by clothes.

  But it was a soft and delicate sigh, like a butterfly slowly falling on the ear.

  I didn't open my eyes or move, I just asked softly: "What's wrong, why are you sighing?"

  The figure of Lianbi was always set against a backdrop of green, and fell into my line of sight. "I sighed that Miss is too heartless."

  She helped me up, took a cushion and put it behind me. I just sat there, my heart feeling slightly cool like an autumn leaf drifting in the wind, swaying unsteadily. I calmed myself down, took the osmanthus honey wine she handed over and took a sip, frowning: "Too sweet."

  Huan Bi looked puzzled, took a sip, and said: "It's not sweet at all." Huan Bi placed her hand on mine, with a sorrowful and heart-aching expression, saying: "Miss, your heart is too bitter, so even a little sweetness can't be tolerated, always feeling it's too sweet."

  I looked at her and said, "What do you want to say?"

  Her eyes were slightly dull, and after a moment of silence, she said, "Miss, do you know what the prince looked like when he just left?"

  For a moment I felt cold, and I tightly hugged the thick quilt, as if to borrow its thickness and warmth to extract some strength to support myself. I shook my head, "I don't want to know."

  The stubbornness of Yu Mei burst out at that moment, her eyes shining brightly as she said: "Miss doesn't want to listen, but I must say one thing. Master Wang is so sad. Master Wang treats Miss so well, why does Miss make him so sad?" She slightly spaced out, "Just now, the conversation between Miss and Master Wang, I heard it all."

  I steeled myself, "I didn't plan on deceiving you, what's the harm in hearing it?" I gazed at her, my tongue having a sharp sensation, "Otherwise, how do you want me to tell him." A pearl was tucked away in her thick and dense hair, that one spot of snowy whiteness, under the candlelight had a faint, shifting reddish glow, reflecting the turmoil of despair and helplessness in my heart, but it was quickly suppressed, "Apart from this, anything I say to him would be wrong." I grasped her hand, as if comforting her, also comforting myself, "Bianbi, some things are better off without hope from the start, rather than losing hope later. Don't blame me for being heartless."

  Lingbi's smile was ambiguous and bitter, "The young lady refused both Mr. Wen and Prince Wang."

  I lowered my head, and the continuous pattern of "everything goes as desired" on the brocade quilt, Fang Sheng and Ruyi patterns turned a thousand times, endless, silver flowers embroidered on the purple quilt had an exceptionally clear and noble color. I suddenly said: "Rather than being mysterious and serene, it's better to be warm and gentle from the beginning, after all, one can live a simple life until old age, with no distracting thoughts."

  Her eyes were sharp and keen in that moment, like the silver light of a sharp arrowhead, piercing through one's heart. "Miss, is this really what you think? It's only natural that Miss doesn't like Lord Wen, as he has never been the kind of man Miss likes. She didn't like him before, and she won't like him now. But Your Highness, hasn't Miss ever had a single flutter in her heart for you?"

  I was stunned, I opened my mouth but couldn't say a word. Hadn't I ever had any feelings for Xuan Qing? Like that night at the Taiping Palace's evening banquet, like the last lotus flower in the Taiye Pool after visiting Mei Zhuang, like the spiritual connection between us when I lost my child, like his thoughtful care and attention when I was ill, like that day when I called out his name "Qing" in front of him. Hadn't I ever had any feelings for him?

  I am scared.

  Her words didn't end there, her tone slightly relaxed, one hand unconsciously stroking the soft and thick plush blanket under me, stroking it again and again, as if unable to control herself. "Actually, Mr. Wen is not bad, just not suitable for the occasion, always bringing up things you don't like when you're not in the mood. But what about Prince Wang? If it were before Miss got married, wouldn't she often wish for a man like him in her boudoir? To be with someone who shares your heart, to grow old together without parting ways - this is something Miss would often say. As long as Miss still thinks that way in her heart, then Prince Wang must be the kind of man you like. I just said that what Miss didn't like before, she won't like now either. In other words, what Miss liked before, may not necessarily change to dislike now." Her smile was faint and flickering like a candle flame. "Miss just said that rather than being Prince Wang, it's better to be Mr. Wen, at least you can grow old together peacefully, without any worries. I believe Miss is speaking from the heart, because she doesn't like Mr. Wen, so she can be peaceful and worry-free. If she liked him, how could she be peaceful and worry-free?"

  Fen Bi's words were like a sharp needle, piercing the heart and mind. It was as if an icy cold awl had suddenly drilled into my brain, leaving me speechless and numb. All I could think was how Fen Bi's words could be so chilling, so cold that even I didn't dare to believe it.

  Lan's expression was somewhat profound and mysterious, I had never heard her speak like this before. She had always been gentle and taciturn, I knew she was intelligent and meticulous, always noticing things that others didn't easily detect. But her understanding was usually kept in her heart, rarely expressed as directly and clearly as today, and hitting my weak point.

  There was an overt chill and resistance in my tone, "Xuan Bi, don't say things you shouldn't be saying, and you wouldn't normally say such things..."

  Lan's response was not as gentle as she used to be, her voice cold and sharp like the plum blossoms outside the window. "Miss, I've never seen the prince so heartbroken." She paused for a moment, "Why do you want to make someone who likes you so sad? And it's not like you don't like him either, why must you say such things to him?" Her tone was soft and melancholic, "Although Miss fell asleep just now, her brow was furrowed so tightly, I knew that Miss wasn't feeling well either."

  My heart finally collapsed, and the last bit of willpower couldn't withstand such words from Lin Bijue. On the long table under the windowsill was a vase with a narcissus flower, its elegant petals warmed by the indoor heating, but instead of releasing a strong fragrance, it seemed to be quietly retreating into the depths.

  Those simple flowers, yellow stamens, white petals, green stems and leaves, I have a momentary feeling of envy. If one could be like this narcissus, how good it would be. Simple to the extreme, clear to the extreme, and yet standing upright in the water, without being stained by dust.

  Unfortunately, it was ultimately unattainable. Whether in the palace or during the years of exile at Ganlu Temple, or even during the days of recuperation on Qingliang Terrace, my thoughts were always winding and turning. Sometimes being human is not as good as being a flower.

  I suddenly remembered something, "Bingjie, it was you who advised me to be careful with Liu Wang in the past, why are you using reverse words to advise me today?"

  She stood still, her eyes gleaming with a faint sorrow and melancholy, "I just can't bear to see Miss and the prince hurting each other."

  I closed my eyes wearily, "Qingbi, don't say any more. Liu Wang is a member of the imperial family, with ties to him that can't be cut off, why must I go and provoke him again."

  She wanted to say something but stopped, and never continued. My various helplessness and worries, she wasn't unaware of them. For a moment, she looked at me, as if comforting or consoling me: "But the king's intention Miss has already understood, it's just that meeting again would be awkward. I don't know if Miss had rejected the king's words earlier, whether the king listened to them or not, if he still doesn't understand, it's really troublesome."

  The faint and delicate fragrance of plum blossoms wafted from outside the Xiangxuan Hall, the branches swaying gently in the wind, their sparse shadows stretching across the window paper, as if reflecting my own bewildered and disordered thoughts at this moment.

  It's really annoying! What Bixia said keeps echoing in my ears and can't be shaken off.

  "This Qingliangtai, we can't stay here." I tightened my clothes and stood up, looking around, saying: "Huanbi, go get paper and pen."

  She responded, "Yes." Then asked, "Miss is feeling a bit better, what do you need paper and pen for again? This will exhaust your mind, later on it'll give you a headache." Although she said that, she quickly found the paper and pen and handed them over to me.

  The paper prepared in the Xiao Xian Guan is scented with sweet grass, light blue floral patterns, and a faint scent of sweet grass can be smelled.

  He thought so thoroughly. I sighed, a beauty like you is the dream of many men under heaven.

  The soft pen tip is dipped in thick, black ink. I hesitate, wondering what words to use. If I speak lightly, he may not take it seriously; if I speak heavily, I will be too harsh and unwilling.

  After a long deliberation, the ink flowed down and fell on the snow-white rice paper as a black dot. The maid beside her said: "Miss, what do you want to write? This paper is stained, let me replace it for you."

  I shook my head, "No need."

  As I put pen to paper, each stroke falls lightly, as if I'm afraid that with just a little more force, I'll tear through the page, or perhaps shatter the fragile resolve that holds me up.

  "A humble girl from a poor family, I dare not aspire to your noble virtue. Moved by your generous intentions, I am ashamed of my lack of captivating beauty."

  I wrote it out word by word, and I felt that my energy was also exhausted. I only felt dizzy and my eyes were blurred, and it was very hard to bear.

  I barely steadied my thoughts, holding onto the purple sandalwood table to steady myself. The purple sandalwood table was hard and rough, making my palms ache. I said, "We don't have much stuff, pack up, we'll head back tomorrow."

  "Can Miss Ke's body hold up?"

  I nodded: "Go tell Lord Wen, if the king asks, just say that I've already recovered and don't need to stay at Qingliangtai for rest anymore. Also ask him for a few more doses of medicine to refresh my spirit, and tomorrow accompany us back."

  "Shall we have someone deliver it to the king?"

  I waved my hand and said, "Forget it. The king won't be coming for the next two days, so sending it over would only make things more awkward. Just leave it on the table, he'll see it when he gets back." My emotions were in turmoil, and after another bout of exertion, I felt exhausted. Fen Bi helped me lie down, lit a calming incense stick, and softly whispered in my ear, "Miss, rest well."

  I tossed and turned in the soft quilt, barely holding on to my gradually fading consciousness, and mumbled to Fen Bi: "Let's leave tomorrow, this place is really unbearable."

  The next morning, I got up early and the sky was overcast with dark clouds hanging low in the sky. When Cai Lan brought me medicine, she saw that I had already dressed up and was sitting quietly in front of the dresser.

  She glanced at the neatly arranged bed and saw a small bundle of clothes on it, and hurriedly smiled: "How did you pack up your luggage so quickly? Are you going to leave for a few days?" She turned to Fenbi and smiled: "Don't worry about leaving for a few days, there are still people serving on the Qingliang platform. Don't worry." She looked at me with some surprise and smiled again: "Miss got up early today, I see that your spirit is very good and your complexion has improved a lot."

  I used the shaved ice water mixed with osmanthus oil to wipe my temples, which were slightly sweaty, and said: "It's not just Bi Xi who wants to leave, it's both of us who need to go back." I smiled and bowed my head, "These days have been troubling you and Cai Ping to take care of me, it's really a bother."

  Cai Lan's expression changed, and she hastily smiled: "Miss, how can you suddenly say that you want to go back? Miss's body has just slightly recovered, how can you bear the hardship of traveling down the mountain? It's absolutely impossible. Besides, does the king know about it?"

  My smile slightly froze, "Don't worry, you'll know when Wang Ye comes back."

  Cai Lan waved her hand repeatedly, "How can this be? If the mistress says so, it means that the prince doesn't know yet. If he finds out when he comes back, even if the prince has a lenient temperament, we servants won't be able to bear it." She advised: "Why don't you rest for two more days, mistress? When your body is better, it's not too late to go back then."

  My chest still feels a bit stuffy, but I got up early and had Bixi help me with my makeup, not missing any of the usual cosmetics, drawing everything perfectly. After taking a large dose of stimulating medicine, I was finally able to cover up my usual sickly appearance and look exceptionally spirited. Pointing at myself, I half-jokingly said: "Look at my complexion! Blue Maiden just said it's very good too, where's the sickness? We've been bothering people at Qingliang Pavilion for a long time already, and since we didn't receive an invitation, now that Wangye is busy in the palace, we can't specially ask him to come back and bid farewell. That would be too impolite." I turned my head to look at Bixi: "Didn't Gentleman Wen say he'd arrive immediately? Why hasn't he shown up yet?"

  Cai Lan was shocked upon hearing this and hastily asked, "Miss is leaving immediately? Why the rush? Also, please allow me to send someone to inform Master Wang at the prince's residence and arrange for a carriage to escort Miss back."

  I smiled and held her hand, saying softly: "For many days, I wanted you and Caiwei to take care of me with all your heart, but I understand. It's just that it's already been arranged, and Lord Wen will come personally to pick us up, so changing the date again wouldn't be good." I stood up, "After all, we have to say goodbye, and I may not have the chance to come to Qingliangtai again, but Blue Girl's kindness and care, I will always remember."

  I took the medicine bowl from her hand, tilted my head and drank it in one gulp, smiling: "For the last time, I still have to trouble you to serve me medicine, really sorry about that." I called out to Fen Bi to come forward, saying: "Zai Lan take care of us for a while..."

  Miss Huanbi grasped Miss Cai's hand and said, "Miss Cai has taken care of us master and servant for so long. I'm also very grateful in my heart. Please come down the mountain to visit us often in the future. The young lady is not feeling well, and she may not be able to go to Qingliangtai frequently. Please forgive her." As Miss Huanbi spoke, she took out a pearl from among her cloud-like hair and placed it in Miss Cai's palm, smiling: "Neither I nor the young lady have any precious objects on us. This pearl was originally one of the young lady's dowry items, but now it has been given to me as a gift. I'm passing it on to you, so please don't refuse it."

  Cai Lan said repeatedly: "What can I say, serving Miss Fu and the young lady is what should be done, not deserving of the young lady's reward."

  The servant girl pushed open the door and came in, letting in a cold gust of wind. She was wearing a crimson silk padded jacket with a dark red five-clawed dragon pattern, and she rubbed her hands together to warm them up as soon as she entered. "Is everything packed and ready?" she asked. "It looks like it's going to snow outside, let's hurry up and go. Otherwise, once the snow falls, the mountain road will be even more difficult to walk."

  "Right," said the blue-faced boy with a smile, "I was just saying that. How come the master hasn't arrived yet? We've all packed up and are waiting for him."

  Wen Shi Chu's nose tip was slightly red from the cold, and I couldn't help but laugh when I saw it. Wen Shi Chu said with concern, "Put on more clothes, it's cold outside." He rummaged through a package in his arms and pulled out a crimson fox-fur lined cloak with a stone-gray silk exterior, wrapping me up from head to toe. Smiling at me, he said, "You look quite like the Princess Zhaojun in this iron-rust red color."

  Feng Qing slightly frowned and said: "The iron rust color doesn't resemble Zhaojun at all, Zhaojun wore a big red cloak when she went out of the frontier."

  I didn't say a word, and I was too lazy to speak. In fact, I dislike the color rust red the most, always feeling that it's rustic and makes people's skin look dull and gloomy, making the whole person look dispirited. But Wen Shi Chu always praised this color as steady and elegant, able to hold its own in any situation. It seemed that later on, I often saw on the painting scrolls sent by Xuan Qing that Mei Zhuang also liked wearing rust red, only when Mei Zhuang wore clothes of this color, it was indeed steady and elegant, dignified yet not lacking in beauty, but looked much better than me. Seeing Wen Shi Chu's nose had turned red from the cold, and outside it was gloomy with snowfall, I knew he must be freezing. There was no choice but to wear something warm on my body, where could I still pick and choose colors and styles? I could only honestly put them on.

  Outside the carriage, wind and snow are about to arrive. I sit with Yuanyuan in the carriage, only feeling a chill creeping over me. In the gloomy sky, I occasionally lift up the curtain, looking back at the Qingliang Pavilion, such a beautiful scene, my heart feels empty, afterwards it will ultimately be impossible to see again.

  Some things are still more acceptable when looked up to.

  What I couldn't bear, what could be avoided, all should have been avoided.