The string breaks and no one hears

  I devoted myself to recovery, and also took care of my health. As expected by the warm sunshine and clear water, my body gradually recovered, and I slowly regained some appetite and was able to get up and walk around. I started to recite scriptures and do chores every day. Whenever I had some free time, I would bury myself in copying Buddhist scriptures day and night without distinction. I hoped that the true words and intentions of the scriptures could alleviate my heart disease which still occurred from time to time. In this numb state, after finishing copying "The Diamond Sutra", I also copied "The ?ūra?gama Sutra". When I finished copying each scripture three times, I looked up and gazed at myself, and indeed, my eyes were clearer with fewer distracting thoughts, but they were also empty and hollow.

  I carefully transcribe the Buddhist scriptures, stroke by stroke, with thick black ink, as if I am pouring my thick resentment and grievances into the boundless true words of Buddhism, to calm my anger and disappointment.

  The empress dowager has also done her best for me.

  I was made to copy Buddhist scriptures by hand, and every month Fang Ruo would come to collect them, just to make sure I was still alive, so that month after month I could live in peace, my limbs intact, my body healthy, free from illness and disaster.

  Fang Ruo's monthly arrival did not alleviate my hard work. It was just that on the day she came, Jing Bai would allow me to rest for a day.

  Lingbi asked me: "Miss, you work so hard, why don't you tell Fangruo auntie to preside over justice, or tell the abbot too?"

  I bowed my head and carefully ironed the clothes, saying lightly: "If I tell the abbess, she will certainly plead for me to Jingbai. But in the end, I am under Jingbai's control, if she agrees verbally but secretly plots against me, I won't even have this hard-won peace. And telling Fangruo, Fangruo will definitely report back to the empress dowager, although the empress dowager is the emperor's aunt, she has also taken good care of me and Mengyue, why bother her again. Moreover, there are many people in the palace with loose tongues, if it reaches the ears of the empress and Anling, who knows how much trouble will arise."

  I've said everything that can be said. However, there's another layer of meaning that I couldn't express. As soon as I left the palace, those who couldn't kill me naturally wouldn't let go easily, and I'm afraid there are countless eyes from the palace watching me, knowingly or unknowingly. The Empress Dowager insisted on having Fang Ruo bring me Buddhist scriptures to copy every month, also for this reason, fearing that someone would secretly harm me. Jing Bai didn't care about my background and experiences, making things difficult for me in every way. So today, if those people see me so disheveled and struggling to survive, their hearts will be at ease, and they'll relax a bit towards Rou Yue. The world is full of connections, as a mother, all I can do for Rou Yue is this.

  And every time Fang Ru comes, I only ask two questions, "Is Mei Zhuang doing well? Is Meng Yue doing well?"

  Fang Ruo didn't like to talk much, occasionally answering a couple of questions with simple words, never elaborating. I knew she had her difficulties and didn't want to bother her, so whenever I saw her, I only asked these two questions.

  You're asking too much, Fang Ruo also smiled, "Are you always only concerned about these two?"

  "I thoughtlessly replied, 'Yes.'"

  Fang Ruo slightly hesitated, her eyes still holding a hint of a smile. "The Empress Dowager instructed me to visit you every month and is very concerned about you. Doesn't the Princess also ask about the Empress Dowager's recent situation?"

  I said faintly, "Mei sister is safe in the palace thanks to Empress Dowager's love and care. If Mei sister is fine, then Empress Dowager must be safe and sound too, so there's no need to ask. Moreover, every time Aunt comes, Mei's expression has never shown any worry, which also shows that everything is fine with Empress Dowager."

  Fang Ruo nodded and said, "Your intelligence is not inferior to that of the past." She smiled, "So, since Zong Yue Emperor's daughter has been raised by Empress Jing, shouldn't you also pay respects to Empress Jing?"

  Outside the window, the snow was flying wildly, like cotton being pulled apart. I stood by the window, watching the snowflakes with a blank expression. "No need to," I said. "She has obtained the emperor's favor and is now set for life. She will surely love her as much as her own life. Besides, if I were to ask about her, wouldn't that just make others pay more attention to her and put her in danger?" I smiled slowly and said, "With Empress Jing's intelligence, she must be able to protect herself and the princess. You always say that the princess is very intelligent and lovely, so it seems that Empress Jing is also living a comfortable and peaceful life, which is why she can raise the princess so well."

  "Fang Ruo thought for a moment, 'Then what about His Majesty? Doesn't the Empress care at all?'"

  My eyebrows suddenly furrowed, but soon I felt that frowning at Xuan Ling was not worth it. So I relaxed my expression, the cold and clear light pressing in, that coldness also seeping into my tone, stern and icy, "If there's a national funeral, everyone will know, no need to wait for Auntie to tell us."

  I'm actually cursing him to death! Such cold and venomous words came out of my mouth, even I was startled myself. Is my resentment towards him really that deep?

  As expected, Yu Tong hurriedly covered my mouth, "Are you out of your mind?"

  Fang Ruo gazed at me for a moment, then slowly shook her head and said, "Young Mistress, please forgive this servant's boldness in offering some advice. You're holding onto so much resentment in your heart and can't let go, but actually, it's yourself who is suffering."

  I turned away, pretending not to hear, and gazed out the window with a cold stare, my eyes almost piercing through the wind that was blowing outside.

  The soft and gentle words still entered my ears, "In October, the selection of concubines was held, and many were able to catch the emperor's eye. A total of 18 palace ladies were selected, making it the year with the most selections since the emperor took power." She hesitated slightly, exchanging a glance with Xun Qi, before finally speaking out, "This time, the young masters who were selected are all from middle-ranking official families, neither too prominent nor too humble. Moreover, they are all very young, not one of them is over 15 years old."

  I was fifteen when I entered the palace, and it just so happened that I was also fifteen years old at the time. It was a delicate and tender age, like a flower bud. Now, I am already twenty, and compared to these young palace maidens, my looks and age are slowly fading away. How can I compare with their youthful vitality, radiant complexion, and beautiful appearance?

  I smiled faintly to myself. If I wasn't mistaken, with the new year having passed, Xuan Ling had also turned thirty.

  He is a king, so his good fortune has always been this way, forever able to enjoy the endless youth of others.

  The queen was two years older than Huang, and facing such young and tender women, even if her eyebrows were high and her cheeks were full of splendor, she couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed.

  Fang Ruo's voice was as if saying something extremely ordinary and unimportant, "It's the Empress Dowager, she insists that the Emperor select more young women to enter the palace." I was slightly stunned, Fang Ruo continued to speak smoothly, "The Empress Dowager mentioned that the current consorts in the palace are getting older, it would be better to choose some young and sensible new people, physically and mentally healthy, to give birth to the imperial heir for the royal family."

  I was slightly surprised and soon understood the queen's intention. The chill of her palm, in that instant, invaded my lungs, exuding a deep coolness.

  The younger and more pampered a girl is, the less she has in her heart. Even if she gains the favor and pity of the emperor, how can she compete with the intelligence of a woman who has been living in the palace for a long time? In the end, she can only struggle like a trapped beast under her control. Moreover, being born into a middle-ranking official family, she naturally doesn't have the demeanor and vision that comes from being raised in a wealthy and noble family, so she will also have fewer opportunities to rise to high-ranking positions. As for giving birth to an heir, it's still unknown whether she can even do that.

  And a low-key woman like Anling Rong who is cautious and has deep thoughts, the empress would never allow another one to appear again.

  So a young and ordinary woman entering the palace is what suits her heart's desire.

  Xuan Ling, as long as they are beautiful, delicate and gentle women, he will not reject them.

  So Fang Ruo's words just confirmed my speculation, "The emperor is very fond of the young ladies who entered the palace this time. Although their positions are not high yet, most of them are in the ranks of Chang Zai and Mei Ren, it's unknown who will eventually get a high position. It's all an unknown number. But these young ladies seem to have some intention of sharing the autumn colors."

  The autumn colors are evenly distributed, and everyone likes them equally, without distinction or ranking.

  He is also in the midst of tender and charming women, surrounded by their fragrance and beauty, enjoying their gentleness and coquetry. As for me, I am locked deep within my chamber, the rain pattering against the pear blossoms, the door closed tight, wrapped alone in the sound of the zither, enduring the loneliness and chill that I should endure. Each of us is at a distant end of the sky, unrelated to each other.

  Snowflakes fluttered and scattered, as if it were late spring. A beautiful woman leaned alone in the courtyard, watching the white willow catkins fly quietly by. The east wind blew gently, evenly, with a soft, fuzzy whiteness, like a scattering of flowers across the courtyard, as if a light, hazy snowfall was descending. Yet it was such a warm season, with thin spring clothes, occasionally lifting her eyes, like rolling up half a screen of fragrant mist, and people were also languid and carefree.

  Now, the snowflakes are scattered like the willow catkins in late spring, but it's so cold and desolate, like a fleeting beauty with white hair, making people feel melancholy. In a low and slow tone, I said, "As long as the people I care about are safe and sound, what do others and other things have to do with me?" I handed over all the Buddhist scriptures I had copied in the past month to Fang Ruo, and gave her an order to leave: "The heavy snow is difficult to travel, afraid of delaying the time to return to the palace, please go back, aunt."

  Fang Ruo didn't take offense, but instead smiled and said: "It's better for the slave to return earlier. Since that time when Qinghe Wang pleaded with the Emperor on behalf of the Zhennan family and was reprimanded, the Emperor has ordered him to go to the old capital in October to reflect on his actions, and he is not allowed to return to the capital without an imperial decree. Now, apart from the noble consorts above the rank of pin and the various princes and princesses, only Pingyang Wang still comes to pay respects to the Empress Dowager. The Empress Dowager also often has nothing to do and gets bored, so it's better for the slave to serve by her side more often."

  I was startled and immediately asked: "Has King Qinghe left the capital?"

  She looked at me with a hint of surprise and said gently, "Don't you know, my lady? It's precisely because the Duke of Qinghe is petitioning for the sake of your family. The Duke of Qinghe originally didn't care about politics, and although he did play a significant role in the matter of the King of Yunan, he quickly distanced himself from it after it was settled and never spoke of it again. Now that he's petitioning on behalf of your family, it's probably because he became acquainted with your brother, Zhen Huan, during the pacification of the King of Yunan. After all, the injustices suffered by your family are largely due to false accusations!"

  It was as if a very fine and sharp blade had scratched the skin, and at first it didn't feel painful. Only when the wound opened up, revealing the pale red flesh underneath, and fresh blood began to flow out, did the pain suddenly set in.

  In the capital city, Xuan Qing, he was unexpectedly implicated in the tumultuous political affairs that he least wanted to be involved in because of my family's circumstances, and was even banished to the capital, which originally had nothing to do with him.

  My tears have not fallen yet, and my resentment towards Xuan Ling has deepened. Even Fang Ruo understands the principle of "non-existence", and even Xuan Qing speaks out to help him, why is he still so stubborn?

  Fang Ruo seemed to understand my concerns and whispered, "The matter of the King of Julu has become a major taboo for the Emperor. Just as things had calmed down, the Zhen family's affair was brought up again. How could the Emperor not be sensitive and angry? Moreover, the Emperor's words are law, even if they are wrong, they cannot be changed or dissuaded from. And now, the people around the Emperor will only continue to frame the Zhen family for their crimes, piling on more accusations, which is what officials are best at doing." Fang Ruo sighed, "Even if the Zhen family can clear their name, you, my lady, will still spend the rest of your life confined in Ganlu Temple, with no chance of returning to the palace."

  "My disgust and annoyance surged up, 'Even if they came to fetch me with a grand procession, I would still rather spend the rest of my life here.'"

  My words fell like a sharp blade, cutting off all argument. Fang Yu was speechless, silent for a moment, and then took her leave.

  I saw Fang Ruo's figure disappear in the icy sky and snowy land, softly murmuring: "Chang Xiang Si."

  "What?"

  I softly asked: "Where is 'Chang Xiang Si'?"

  I haven't played the piano for a long time. Even if I just took out "Chang Xiang Si" from the palace, it's been a long time since I had the heart to pluck the strings. Suddenly being asked like this, Huan Bi had a hint of joy, and hurriedly brought it out, saying: "It's still here. It's just stained with a bit of dust, so just wipe it clean."

  I took a soft cloth and gently wiped it. The familiar "Chang Xiang Si", which had accompanied me through countless sleepless nights of joy or sorrow in the palace's red walls, had resolved so many unspeakable emotions for me.

  These days, I haven't really not wanted to play "Longing" again, nor have I forgotten it due to my daily hardships. It's just that...I'm afraid, afraid of recalling the old times etched in the strings of "Longing", those trivial matters recorded during my time in the palace. The temporary peace and numbness gained from reciting scriptures and true words can't withstand the impact of memories flooding back like a tide, easily destroying the high walls and lowlands that I've built up, drowning me. Those past events, how unwilling I am to touch them again.

  But just now, when Fang Ruo mentioned Xuan Qing, I thought of all the good intentions he had for my family. In the days since coming to Ganlu Temple, except for missing my father and brother, resenting Xuan Ling and trying hard to forget him, I almost never thought of any other man.

  Fang Ruo's words reminded me of the deep palace in Ziyao City, where the long corridor with pear blossoms like snow turned a corner, and on days when the moon was full, there was someone who could give me warmth and comfort.

  Fingers wandered aimlessly over the strings, and between lowered eyebrows, a string of pearl-like sounds swirled and fell, but the melody was also hollow, like a long, drawn-out sigh, with a lingering tail note. The joys and sorrows in my heart were blurred in an instant, becoming desolate and barren. Outside the door, a tall pine tree stood proudly, its snow-covered branches stretching upwards, yet the green color of the pine was not something that could be covered up by ice and snow.

  Going to the capital is far away in the north, hundreds of miles away from Kyoto, it's the old capital of the Great Zhou. The north land, compared to my cultivation in the suburbs of the capital, must be even colder. In a daze, that one tree seemed like his lonely figure standing alone, holding the "Long Xiang Shou" purple flute, slightly raising his head to gaze at the moon, with a relaxed expression chatting with me for a few sentences.

  However, my music is no longer like it used to be, and people can't turn back the clock. My life, even if there's no path ahead, can only move forward.

  He is his own noble prince, marrying a beautiful wife, hiding in the midst of golden splendor; I am by the green lamp and Buddha statue, accompanying Buddhist beads and scriptures, solitary until old age.

  My heart is like a turbulent wave, my hands momentarily falter. With a forceful pluck, the sound "zhēng" bursts forth, and the music screeches to an abrupt halt. I glance around, surrounded by vast white snow, when suddenly a faint smile appears at the corner of my mouth, as if I want to entrust my worries to the jade zither. Few people understand, who will hear the broken strings?

  In the end, apart from myself, there is no one else to listen even if the strings break.

  "The Longing" string broke, it's no need to miss each other again. I slowly fell forward on the piano and closed my eyes wearily.