Volume 4 Chapter 9: Miasma

  Yulan came in from outside with the newly collected clothes, saw me sitting silently, not making a sound, and sat half on the bed, carefully folding the clothes, her movements nimble and neat.

  She had just finished dressing when she sighed and said: "The way Master Wen went out just now was really heartbreaking to see."

  I sat with my chin in my hand and said quietly: "Did many people see it?"

  She nodded slightly, "Mr. Wen is too heartbroken, as if he has lost his soul, how would he know to cover up his expression, and at this time it's also the hour for evening classes, with people coming and going."

  I softly murmured "uh-huh" and fell silent again. The room was dim, the candle flame flickered, making my eyes feel sour, I replaced the oil lamp with a new one, lit it up, and the faint light was like a hazy eye.

  I unfolded the scriptures as usual, reading them silently word by word. Tuan Yu listened for a while and said warmly beside me, "Today, listening to you read the scriptures is not as heavy-hearted as it was two days ago."

  I smiled faintly and said, "If I can convince him, it will also settle one of my concerns. Otherwise, meeting each other would be awkward after all, which I don't want either."

  "Madam's words are too hasty, I fear it would hurt his heart and damage the affection built over the years. After all, Lord Wen has deep feelings for Madam, we've all seen it; but if you speak too softly, he might not listen to advice, and keeping this in mind wouldn't be good for anyone. In short, persuading him will require a lot of effort."

  I closed the scripture, smiled and said: "What you said is true, I'm grateful for his many years of kindness. In order to make him more acceptable, I racked my brains to recall the old things that had happened over the years."

  Yi Xiao also smiled, "Two days ago, I saw the young lady sitting blankly, and Lan Bi still thought that the young lady would agree to marry Lord Wen."

  I just smiled and said, "How could that be? If I were to agree, I wouldn't have entered the palace in the first place. Although times change and things become different, a person's nature will never change."

  "Wen Gongzi is indeed not the most suitable candidate for our young mistress. Because... " Kei Shui smiled, "his affections are always untimely."

  "Isn't it untimely?" I savored the words carefully, and also laughed. "Once was before entering the palace, when I had confirmed that he was the chosen one, only then did he come to tell me not to participate in the selection, saying he would come to propose; afterwards, twice more in the palace, it's even more impossible; and now...” My heart felt desolate. "How could my current state of mind think about these things?"

  "Obviously, it's better if Master Wen doesn't say anything, so they can still meet and talk. He doesn't understand that if the young lady really liked him, she wouldn't have been sent to the selection of imperial consorts that day, and they would have already been engaged."

  I raised my sleeve and said to her: "You also said that day that I was warm and sincere in my feelings, which is rarely seen."

  Qing Lian lowered her eyelids and smiled slightly, "I'm just telling the truth. Both you and I understand that being moved is one thing, but it has nothing to do with feelings. If you don't like something, you won't force yourself just because of being moved."

  "Where is Fen Bi?"

  "I knew Master Wen was coming in the afternoon, so I made an excuse and slipped out like a servant girl."

  I raised an eyebrow, "That girl's thoughts seem to be different this time. She probably thought I would agree with Wen Shi Chu."

  Qingyu's smile was warm and down-to-earth. "I know, Mistress, that you will not agree to Lord Wen's proposal. It's not just a matter of 'fallen flowers have intentions, flowing water has no feelings', but more importantly, if one were to compromise their integrity to avoid temporary hardships, then that wouldn't be the Mistress I've always known." Her eyes sparkled with clarity, "Mistress, your persistence and treasuring of emotions is what makes you most precious."

  I smiled at her and said, "If you say you understand me, it's actually you who is being understood."

  Before she had finished speaking, Fen Bi had already walked in and saw that only I and Gong Xi were present. She asked curiously: "Has Lord Wen left? What did you say to him, Miss?"

  I met Suo Chui with a glance, and we both smiled in understanding.

  A few days later, I went to wash clothes again and heard much less gossip. On this day, taking advantage of the warm weather at noon, I carried a large basket of laundry alone to the creek to wash it. After talking openly with Wen Shi, I felt greatly relieved, as if a huge stone had fallen from my heart.

  When I arrived at the stream, all I could hear was the gurgling and splashing of the water, but there was only Mo Yan standing alone.

  She saw me coming alone and glanced at me twice, saying lightly: "You seem to be in a good mood today."

  I subconsciously stroked my cheek and smiled: "Really? I don't think so myself."

  She murmured a response, shook off her shoes and socks with both hands, and jumped into the creek with one foot. I exclaimed, "Isn't it cold? Come up quickly, you can't stand in the cold water."

  Mo Yan burst out laughing and said: "What's there to be afraid of? This doesn't break any temple rules!" As he spoke, he stretched out his hand to pull me down, saying "Come on, come on, you can also come down, it's really cool!"

  I couldn't stop laughing, but I was no match for her and she pulled me down. The cool creek water splashed onto my skin, feeling like tiny fish mouths nibbling gently, making me feel relaxed and refreshed. It was still spring, so after a while, we couldn't take the cold anymore and the two of us laughed and pulled our hands apart, jumping back up to the shore.

  She patted her clothes and said with a hint of a smile: "The imperial physician hasn't come to the palace for several days, yet you seem to have lost your worries."

  I smiled and replied calmly: "My concerns were never for him."

  She didn't even raise her head, and simply threw out a sentence, "I see how you're dealing with him. If he doesn't come, you don't need to deal with him, and naturally there won't be any worries."

  I couldn't help but burst out laughing at her rapid speech, which was tantamount to acknowledging it. I then casually spread open my clothes, sprinkled a handful of soap powder, and devoted myself to scrubbing away.

  Mo Yan was always alone in the temple, not getting along with the other nuns, and had a fierce appearance, so the other nuns didn't dare to trouble her or ask her to do any heavy chores. Therefore, Mo Yan only needed to take care of herself.

  She quickly washed the clothes by her side, but she didn't leave. She casually picked up the clothes from my basket and placed them on a large stone, beating them with a stick one strike at a time. Her movements were extremely skilled, the force of her beating was neither light nor heavy, and she didn't splash water everywhere, just like a seasoned housewife doing chores.

  I didn't care, only to see the clear creek water transparent like a green ribbon stretching softly and swaying, lightly jumping over the creek bank's green grass flowing away, also feeling that my mood had become much more relaxed.

  She suddenly lowered her head and muttered: "You're great."

  "What?"

  She stopped her action, looked at me and said: "You don't like that doctor, good."

  I was speechless and lost for words, "How can you say such a thing?"

  She slightly lost her composure, her eyes flashing with a momentary chill and ferocity, forcing out a few words from between her lips, as if spitting out a mouthful of thick phlegm that made people feel nauseous, disdainfully spat it out, flung far away with a loud noise, "All stinky men are not good things!"

  I let out an "ah?" but didn't dare laugh and had no idea how to respond.

  Mo Yan said bluntly, "It's like that imperial physician, his attitude towards you is not ordinary, you know it yourself. Men, when they can't get you, they try every means to cling to you and please you, but once they've got you, they toss you aside like a worn-out shoe, forgetting how much effort and care they put into winning you over, all forgotten in the clouds." She finished speaking in one breath, her words tumbling out so quickly that she was panting heavily.

  I stood silently, my fingers gliding over the cool creek water, that refreshing feeling penetrating through my skin and into my heart. I gazed at her steadily, with a questioning tone, "You..."

  She clapped her hands, looked up at the bright sunlight, and squinted her eyes due to the strong light. Her voice was a faint line, like a sharp needle, flashing with a cold and oppressive glow, slowly approaching: "Don't be afraid, I'll tell you, I'm a runaway."

  I nodded, "I know, if I had left home as a child, I wouldn't be so out of place and my temper wouldn't be so quick."

  She raised an eyebrow and said loudly, "That's right. I got married, had children, and then came to Ganlu Temple to practice Buddhism." Mo Yan stared at the creek, occasionally picking at the moss in the stone crevices, that dark green color seemed to reflect her current mood. "I'm a rough and impatient person, but who wasn't a good daughter before getting married? I was gentle, quiet, and shy. But after marriage, it's not just the hard work, if you encounter a bad husband, a demanding mother-in-law, even the best pearl-like daughter will be ground into a fish eye."

  Actually, Mo Yan's face is not bad-looking at all. Although the ravages of time and the wrinkles around her eyes can no longer be concealed, the gentle curve of her jawline still has a unique charm. It can be imagined that if time were to rewind twenty years, she would have been quite lovely and charming, and must have received admiration from many men.

  "Why did you become a monk then?"

  "I was wrong to marry him! We were originally from the same village, both from ordinary farming families, and had known each other since childhood. Before marrying me, he treated me well, and I had a skillful hand at spinning yarn, which could help with household chores, so he happily married me back home. Later, as I grew older and gave birth to two daughters in a row, the stinky man despised me for not being able to give him a son to carry on his family line, and couldn't afford to raise the two daughters. When the younger one was born, he drowned her alive! I was furious and heartbroken, and argued with him, but he wanted to drive me out of the house. His mother and sister-in-law not only didn't persuade him, but also stirred up trouble and meddled in our affairs, saying they would find a young and fertile new daughter-in-law for him. In a fit of rage, I took my older daughter and left, without even asking for a divorce certificate. A woman who can't give birth to a son is already being ridiculed and despised, and has no skills, so she can only drag her daughter to the temple to beg for food."

  She finished speaking, with a hint of tears in the corner of her eyes. However, her tone was calm and distant, even her own anger and resentment were faintly unnoticeable. Such calmness must have been heartbreaking. I listened with a racing heart, how could someone let a man drown his newborn daughter with his own hands, how cruel! My heart also ached, so I consoled her gently: "Don't be sad..."

  Mo Yan exerted herself to lift her head, quickly wiping away the tears from the corner of her eyes, cutting off my words, and fiercely spat out a disdainful "Pfft! Does that stinky man deserve to make me sad? Go ahead and have your grand illusions!"

  I feel a pang of sadness, yet also some comfort. Mo Yan gave birth to two girls and was shunned by her husband's family, swept out the door. But I'm grateful that my Rouyue is lucky enough to be a daughter, able to live safely in the palace, avoiding who knows how many overt and covert attacks. However, if I were still in the palace, still properly playing the role of Imperial Noble Consort An, I fear I would also secretly regret that Rouyue is a daughter.

  I suppressed my emotions and thought of something, asking: "You said your daughter followed you out?"

  Mo Yan let out a cold laugh and said, "You think Ganlu Temple is some great place? Those nuns looked down on me because I was poor, so it's already a huge favor that they took me in. I tried my best to find a job for myself at the foot of the mountain, so we could take care of each other. When I first arrived, I had a good temper, but they would mock and bully me every day, and I tolerated it all. One day, I finally couldn't stand it anymore, and I smashed a huge water vat in the temple that weighed over 100 catties. From then on, no one dared to bully me again. It's true what they say: 'good people are bullied, and soft persimmons are pinched.'" She sighed and patted her hand, saying to me, "You're also too good-tempered, letting them bully you."

  I smiled and said, "You still have a grown daughter to rely on. As for me, I'm alone in the temple with no one to fear. But I came from the palace, and Ganlu Temple is my last refuge. If I leave here, I really have nowhere else to go. And then there's Huanbi and Xiqing, who would also be dragged down by me."

  Mo Yan nodded thoughtfully and said, "That's true. It was really an injustice to you!"

  I forced a smile and said, "But it's just getting by, if you say it's humiliating, what isn't humiliating?"

  Mo Yan said, "That's also true. Just look at the group of nuns in Ganlu Temple and you'll know that they're always openly or secretly fighting with each other over trivial matters, using all sorts of tactics. You used to be a noble lady in the palace, where there are many more women than in Ganlu Temple. Whenever it comes to men, wealth, and power, which woman doesn't use every trick in the book to get what she wants? You must have suffered a lot in the past too."

  She was originally a rough person, saying such considerate and warm words, I really felt moved. Looking around the Ganlu Temple, except for Huanbi and Qianshui, who else would say such things to me?

  My eyes reddened slightly, but I tried to hold back, not wanting her to notice. I just lowered my head and rubbed my clothes, saying softly: "You're quite perceptive."

  Mo Yan softly hummed and said, "What's unclear? Take a look at the world, men are always enjoying good fortune and happiness. Women, whether from poor or wealthy families, all suffer alike." She sighed, "Just like you and me, who would willingly leave their family and children behind to become a nun unless they were forced to a dead end?"

  These words struck me like a heavy blow, and I felt a sudden shock. However, no matter how shocked I was in my heart, I just smiled and didn't say anything.

  Mo Yan saw that I was just staring blankly and knew that I wasn't feeling well, so he smiled and said: "I'll tell you a joke."

  I forced myself to be spirited and smiled: "What?"

  She smiled mysteriously and then said calmly: "That stinky man came looking for me again last month."

  I let out an "ah?" and asked: "Are you going back with him?"

  She glanced at him sideways and said, "He wants me to go back with him, but if I had gone back with him, I wouldn't be here now." She smiled and said, "The stinky man's new wife gave birth to a daughter too. And the stinky man told me that his new wife is young, but she can't compare to how beautiful I was when I was young. Moreover, her hands are clumsy. In the past, I could weave two pieces of fabric in one day, and they were both dense and well-made. That woman can't even finish weaving one piece in two days, and she often breaks the thread or makes mistakes with the needle, which makes the stinky man so angry that he wants to die, and scolding her doesn't work either."

  "So how did you tell him?"

  Mo Yan's eyes had a soft and cold glow, "I only told him one sentence, to bring back the life of my deceased daughter. As long as she comes back to life, I'll go with him." The stinky man had nothing to say, and could only walk away with a sullen face. Her tone turned gentle and sorrowful, "You don't know how lovely my little daughter was, I loved her to death. Unfortunately, she only lived in this world for less than three days." The surroundings were quiet, with the wind blowing through, sighing and complaining, echoing Mo Yan's heartache, making people feel even more sorrowful.

  Mo Yan wiped away her tears and said, "That stinky man thinks he's so great, wants me to go back and let him enjoy the blessings of others for nothing. I'd rather not be his servant. I'm clean and alone with my daughter, it's much more comfortable than being in his house. My little daughter can't just die for nothing."

  I vaguely remember reading a poem in the Book of Songs that went like this:

  Going up the mountain to pick shepherd's purse, I met my former husband on the way down. Kneeling for a long time, I asked my former husband: "What is your new wife like?"

  "Though new friends may speak sweet words, they are not as good as old friends. Though their faces may look similar, their hands and claws are not the same."

  "New people enter through the door, old friends leave through the window."

  "A new weaver is inferior to an old one. The new weaver produces one match of brocade per day, while the old weaver produces over five zhang of plain silk. Comparing the brocade with the plain silk, the new weaver is not as good as the old one."

  It can be seen that men are thin in fortune and women are thin in life, which has been the case since ancient times, without any change. But Mo Yan is indeed more strong-willed and courageous than Qiu Jin.

  I grasped her hand tightly and comforted her: "It's all right, it's finally over."

  Mo Yan smiled wistfully and said, "Do you know why I'm willing to tell you all these things?"

  I shook my head and smiled, "Probably because you think I'm tight-lipped."

  She smiled silently and held my hand tightly, "Because I can see that the bitterness in your heart is no less than mine."

  I smile quietly, the wind blows over my moist hands, as if there is a tight feeling after tears have dried. However, what can I say? In the end, I can only be speechless.