Chapter 8 of Volume 4: Jade Flask Light Rotation

  When Wen Shi Chu came again, I went to cut the grass and didn't meet him. When I returned, the courtyard was filled with slanting sunlight, and only saw Fen Bi and Qi Tai standing at the table, face to face, both looking embarrassed.

  Lan Caihe came up to help me brush off the weeds on my body. I asked in surprise: "What's going on, standing still like this?"

  Qing Yu looked at Fen Bi with a glance, her lips moved slightly, but in the end she didn't say anything. It was still Fen Bi who spoke up, "Lord Wen has arrived, and this time he brought something."

  As for what to give, she didn't say, but just nodded towards the table.

  I smoothed out my clothes, took a glance, and was stunned. On the worn-out table, there was an exquisitely crafted white jade vase, delicate and transparent, with a body as thin as paper, just the right size to fit in the palm of one's hand, extremely intricate and lovely. At that time, the slanting sunlight poured in through the window lattice, shining on the jade vase, reflecting infinite brightness and transparency.

  I was puzzled and asked: "Why did he send such a valuable thing here?"

  The blue girl sighed and said helplessly: "Miss, just open it and you'll know."

  I lifted the lid and took a look, and couldn't help but take a cold breath. There was nothing else in the pot except for a few slices of snow pear that had been cut into heart shapes, with a crystal clear color.

  I was shocked and my mind went blank as he actually meant this.

  She tightened her belt, biting her lip as she looked at me. Xun Xi's expression was complex as he stood beside me and whispered: "A piece of ice in a jade pot. How will you respond to Master Wen's thoughts, my lady?"

  My chest suddenly felt hot, and a mouthful of air almost rushed to my throat. "Bang" a palm slapped on the table. The table was old and worn out, even though I didn't use much force, it still jumped up with a "thud".

  Lan Yu jumped in fright and hurriedly came over to look at my hand, advising: "Miss, be careful of your injured hand."

  "Look at me," said Wen Yan to Biyu, "the young lady is feeling unwell and can't help but be a bit short-tempered."

  Although Yu Rong was speaking to Huan Bi, there were deep implications in his words. I wasn't oblivious to them, so I softened my tone and smiled, saying: "I'm just a bit too impatient. Having arrived here, I've become less calm than before."

  Just then, the maid brought a cup of tea over and said gently: "If you're willing, mistress, just take it. But from your expression, I can tell you really don't want to. Master Wen's actions this time were also too rash."

  Lingbi said beside her: "No wonder Miss is angry, Miss is cultivating, how can she bear such things. And over the years, Miss has been like this to him, he should have understood long ago."

  I sat down with a sigh, lost in thought for a moment, and said to myself: "Why is he always so clueless, so out of place? I had already rejected his affections before entering the palace, and now even more so. I only regarded him as an older brotherly friend, why can't he understand?"

  Miss, it's not good to directly refuse him now. The emperor and Shen Concubine in the palace can't do without his support. We are already weak and isolated, do we want to lose our wings again? Miss should think carefully about this. She thought for a moment and said: "Warm Lord's care for us is actually a lot."

  I just turned my head and said lightly: "He indeed took good care of me, but I really don't like him."

  Yan Suo stood with his hands hanging down, unable to see any expression on his face. "Wen Da Ren's feelings are indeed touching, such a man is rarely seen."

  I didn't expect her to say that, and I couldn't help but turn around and glance at her. Fen Bi was also slightly taken aback.

  The three of them just didn't speak, each with their own thoughts.

  She walked to my side, leaned against the bed and me, with a sorrowful yet gentle expression, speaking softly: "Actually, thinking about it, Lord Wen and Miss have known each other since childhood, and their relationship is naturally different. On the day Miss entered the palace for the imperial selection, Lord Wen personally came to confess his long-held feelings to Miss and wished to marry her. Miss had high aspirations, so she wouldn't have lingered on Lord Wen back then. But now that things have changed, Miss has experienced many ups and downs in the palace, and it's clear that the emperor's love is unreliable. So now there's someone who truly cares for you, and you both know each other... why not consider another option? Even if it takes a few more years, it's no big deal, don't reject him so directly." Seeing me silently hugging my knees, she slowed down her voice to persuade: "Although Lord Wen is impatient and doesn't choose the right moment, his heart towards Miss has been unwavering for many years. Moreover, he understands medicine and has some family wealth; if he wants to help Miss in secret or help Miss leave this place of trouble, it's not a difficult task at all."

  Her advice, I may not necessarily listen to it. But life here is indeed hard and difficult.

  I just asked: "What else did he say when he came?"

  "Sir Wen said he would come visit again in three days."

  The distant sorrowful fragrance of grass, the remote and hidden mountains, the faint red glow of sunset, the gentle breeze as if nonexistent, brings a hint of coolness to my face. The troubles of this world, truly cannot be escaped no matter where one hides.

  The sky gradually darkened, as if countless raven wings densely covered the sky, layer upon layer of blackness falling. I only felt tired and annoyed, closed my eyes, and said faintly: "You all go out, I'll think carefully by myself."

  In these three days, I just acted as usual and didn't mention a word about the Jade Vase.

  The jade pot was carefully placed by me on the bedside cabinet, and every day I carefully wiped it with a fine cloth. When Yuanyi saw me like this, she would always exchange a glance with Xunxi and smile, while Xunxi would only respond with a light and polite smile.

  Three days later, in the afternoon, I deliberately didn't go out or do anything, and only sent Biyu out.

  Wen Shi arrived as promised, and the room had already been tidied up with sparkling windows and a few clean tables. A bunch of newly opened pear flowers were arranged in a vase, their snow-white petals piled up like jade on a tree branch, filling the air with a refreshing sweetness that made people feel especially warm and cozy.

  I had already let the tea infuse and was just sitting quietly waiting for him to come.

  Wen Shi had already smiled before entering the door, "Huan sister's complexion is very good today, and her face is also much rosier."

  Perhaps my good mood was contagious, and his original anxiety also slightly subsided. He sat down with me to drink tea and chat slowly. After chatting about some family trivia, I carefully took out the jade pot and placed it between him and me.

  The jade pot is indeed very beautiful and exquisite. I said softly: "If I'm not mistaken, Shi Chu Gege is already 25 years old, right?"

  His joyful color was revealed because of my memory, his eyebrows and eyes were shallow and gentle, smiling: "Huan sister's memory is the best, I am indeed twenty-five."

  I sighed and felt a sense of regret, "At the age of twenty-five, in an ordinary family, one would have already had a wife and children. Your uncle must have been worried about your marriage for some time now."

  He wanted to say something but stopped, just smiled and said: "If I didn't marry the one I loved, I would have never married."

  I nodded and said, "Shi Chu's words are not bad. Marry a wife for virtue, marry a concubine for beauty. But whether it's a wife or a concubine, one must like them oneself, otherwise this life of husband and wife will be difficult to live and also very dull. So Shi Chu can wait a bit longer."

  "I'm just a common official's family, it doesn't matter if I marry late. It's not like the emperor's marriage is related to the fate of the country and the people. Thirteen or fourteen years old and already having to get married in a big way... And let's talk about the palace, that Prince Qinghe is already twenty-three, he doesn't want to take a wife and have a grand wedding, even the empress dowager can't do anything about it..."

  He had barely finished speaking, and I already felt a pang in my heart. Seeing that my expression was slightly gloomy, he knew that mentioning the Emperor had said something unpleasant to me, and his face filled with shame, hastily saying: "I didn't mean it."

  I just smiled and said: "Qinghe Wang's vision is quite high, I don't know what kind of woman can match him, thinking about it already feels interesting."

  He saw that I was all right and also slightly relieved, for a moment he didn't speak either. I opened my mouth and said: "Shi Chu Gege, do you still remember the situation when you first met me?"

  His expression softened and calmed down, "How could I not remember? I will always remember that time when you were only ten years old, Zhen brother took you to the lake to sail a boat in secret. Coincidentally, on that day, I was riding my horse outside and saw you with your hair in two braids, holding a bunch of lotus pods in your arms, standing at the bow of the boat, singing a song. Later, when you saw me, you weren't afraid, and even peeled a lotus seed for me to eat."

  I smiled faintly, and the fun things of my childhood are now looking back, also particularly precious and good. Those carefree years, how could I have known at the time, would predict that the road ahead would be so bitter and difficult, to the point where there was no way out, but still had to continue struggling forward.

  Because of the sweetness in the past, the bitterness of life's journey is even more pronounced, like a lotus seed that has to be swallowed one by one...

  I hummed a low tune: "Ask the lotus root, how many threads are there? For whom is the lotus heart bitter? The twin flowers whisper to each other...". But I forgot the lyrics and couldn't continue singing, so I just laughed and said: "I really can't remember."

  "The next sentence is also the last sentence - Only the children of old times."

  I rubbed my cheek with a hint of embarrassment and smiled faintly, "No wonder I forgot..." My voice dropped, tinged with a hint of helplessness, and I sighed, "We're not the young lovers we used to be, and even our old songs are fading away." I turned my gaze, pushing the jade flask in front of him, and said solemnly, "A piece of ice heart is in the jade flask. Zhen Huan feels unworthy to accept such profound emotions, please take it back."

  Wen Shi's expression changed, and he hastily covered it up by taking a sip of tea to calm down. He spoke slowly: "This jade vase is our family heirloom. My father had instructed me to give it to the one I love. In the past, I didn't have the chance to give it to you. Now, with all sincerity, I implore you to accept this jade vase."

  I shook my head and said softly, "This jade vase is so precious that it should be given to the one you love. Unfortunately, Shi Chu Gege, you are not the one I love, so I don't deserve this jade vase. Even if you force me to accept it, it would be a waste of this vase."

  Wen Shi's face was expressionless, her eyes frozen, like a green leaf that had been withered by the first autumn frost. She looked dispirited and dejected. "Xuan, little sister, you've never been willing to accept me. It was so in the past, and it's still so now."

  "I thought for a moment and said, 'Shi Chu Gege, forgive me for speaking bluntly. You always remember the things from our childhood. What you like in your heart might be the innocent and gentle me before I entered the palace, not the current me. The current me is vastly different from before, why must you hold onto this obsession?"

  He suddenly raised his head, with a fierce glow burning in his eyes. He leaned forward hastily and said in a low voice: "Xuan sister, I must tell you that my heart towards you has always been the same." His voice dropped slightly, but still sincere, "Not only in the palace, but also outside."

  I quietly listened to him finish, and suddenly a silent smile emerged. I smiled so quietly, with an almost imperceptible calmness and desolation in my heart, as if the first frost of winter had fallen, silently and quietly descending, pale and vast.

  "Do you still remember Cao Qinmo?" My words came out abruptly.

  "Yes." Wen Shi Chu's expression suddenly turned gloomy, and he lowered his head, "Of course I remember." He muttered to himself: "How could I not remember?"

  I slowly closed my eyes and said quietly, "Yes! The former Xiang Gui Pin, the birth mother of Wen Yi Emperor's daughter, was posthumously honored as Xiang Fei." I suddenly opened my eyes and shouted sternly, "How did Xiang Fei die back then? You and I both know it clearly!"

  Wen Shi's face turned gloomy, and cold sweat broke out on his forehead layer by layer, like a chilly rain approaching the river, making him feel icy and detached. After a moment, he sighed as if comforting himself: "This matter has been weighing on my mind for a long time, and every time I think about it, I am restless day and night. It's also one of my greatest regrets. Fortunately, Emperor Wen is now being taken care of by Empress Dowager with great care, and after the death of Consort Xiang, she has become quite prominent. I can finally feel a little more at ease. Now, all I can do is to take good care of Emperor Wen's body with all my heart, which is also a way to make amends..."

  I coldly interrupted him, "What I want to say is not this. You and I grew up together, and we've been through a lot in the palace. What's good or bad about me, you're also very clear about. Even Cao Xiangfei's death, you were unwilling, I'm afraid your heart is also resentful of me... isn't it?"

  He was tongue-tied and couldn't say a word for a moment, only muttering: "This... I..."

  I slightly furrowed my brow and said in a low, mysterious tone: "With Murong Shilan dead, the only one left for me to deal with is Cao Qianmo. However, she's such a cautious person that it's almost impossible to create an opportunity for her to slip up or have an accident. Fabricating a crime against her would only lead to her turning the tables and plotting against me. Since assassination won't work, our only option is to use poison. You've always had a reputation for being kind and skilled in medicine at the Imperial Hospital, and you're willing to help those in need, so she might be more willing to trust you. Besides, the poison we'll give her will just numb her mind and make her even more prone to nightmares, weakening her heart and eventually leading to her silent demise." I glanced at him, "It's not easy for you either."

  Wen Shi looked at me deeply and said, "For you, I am always willing."

  I nodded slightly and said, "You've always been kind-hearted and wouldn't hurt a fly. You hesitated for a long time back then too. If it weren't for helping me, you wouldn't have done it... Now that I think about it, I was indeed too soft-hearted at the time. But when one is in power, if you don't kill others, they will kill you. Consort Xiang is such an intelligent and astute person, she knew I had no leverage over her, and I couldn't tolerate her."

  Wen Shi's lips were slightly pursed, with a hint of firmness at the corners. He was actually quite a good-looking man, steady and loyal. He comforted her in a soft voice: "Huan sister, you're always kind-hearted, but that one time was a bit too harsh."

  "Is that so? So killing Yu Shi and Hua Fei, I'm not considered ruthless either?" I softened my tone and said gently: "Whether I'm kind or ruthless, you've seen it all. We're familiar with each other, we know each other well, and we can be considered close. But when it comes to love between men and women, who doesn't want to show only their best side and hide the bad? You know too many of my secrets, if I'm with you, I'll just feel uncomfortable. And you won't necessarily forget my flaws either, what's the point of being together like this, why make it difficult for each other?"

  Wen Shi's face was struck, he lowered his head, and his eyebrows curled up like a sleeping silkworm. His right hand tightly grasped his left hand, with force, and blood-red marks appeared. He restrained himself from saying: "I'm just a small imperial physician, in your eyes, I'm always not good enough, always a useless person."

  I said softly, "Your goodness I naturally know. If it's about being a royal physician, you're young and promising, with excellent medical skills, and highly valued by the Emperor; if it's about being a husband, you'll definitely be a good one, loving and taking care of your wife in every way. Unfortunately, Shi Chu, just like drinking tea, I like 'Snowy Peak Emerald' this flavor, while Pu'er may be better and fresher, I just don't like it, can it be said that Pu'er is not good? It's just that everyone has different preferences."

  "He muttered to himself, 'You're saying that in your heart, I'm just a cup of Pu'er tea.'"

  I said softly: "Shi Chu Gege, you are very good, but unfortunately I am not worthy, and there is no way for me to like you." I held the jade vase and said: "A piece of ice heart in the jade vase, this sentiment, I am not worthy of shouldering. But if people ask about our relationship in Luoyang, a piece of ice heart in the jade vase, I have fully understood it in my heart. In my heart, I will always regard you as family and friend, forever."

  His lips, which had been pressed together in a thin, unfulfilled arc, held back a sigh of sorrow and a hint of tender feelings: "Do you see me as family or friend? Unfortunately, neither is what I want."

  I too am sorrowful, "In truth, elder brother, in this world, what we want, has ever truly been obtained? I have struggled in the palace for many years, just wanting to seek a bit of true heart, two parts peace, but even this cannot be had, and instead fell to today's state."

  He saw me in distress and advised: "Although it has come to this point, unfortunately, you are lucky that leaving the palace is also a free body."

  My heart is heavy, as if being tightly gripped by a hand, but I don't want to shed tears in front of Wen Shi. With great effort, I endured and said: "Although I left the palace, which is full of right and wrong, I cannot forget the hardships my father and brothers suffered. My sisters and daughters are all in the palace, and the current emperor is their husband, father, and master. Even if I am free outside the palace, how can I ever forget those years? I will never be able to forget for the rest of my life. So even if my body is free, my heart is not, suffering every day.

  He wanted to comfort me, so he reached out his hand, I quickly withdrew my hand, his expression was slightly awkward, and he hastily covered it up, saying: "Xuan sister, don't be sad."

  I turned my head, desperately holding back the tears that wanted to fall from my eyes. "The Emperor's treatment of me over these years... Brother Shi Chu, I'm not afraid to tell you, when it comes to love between men and women, I've long given up hope. So no matter what you say to me, it's all useless. Now, no matter how hard or difficult things get, I just want to stay in the Ganlu Temple, reciting scriptures to calm my own heart." I composed myself and said: "I know you have a way to make me leave this place, but if I leave here, where can I go? My father and brothers are far away in Chuanbei and Lingnan, and with the world being so big, my wandering self has nowhere to go. So Brother Shi Chu, for my sake as well as yours, please don't come visit me so often."

  Wen Shi initially was good for a long time without speaking, then said: "Can't Lian come and visit you often?"

  I nodded slightly, "You've been coming here often, I'm afraid the palace will also find out. Who knows how many more storms and troubles will arise. Is it necessary?"

  He closed his eyes tightly for a moment, then slowly took a deep breath and said: "Are you afraid of implicating Shen Jieyu and Mengyue Emperor?"

  I nodded vigorously: "To be honest, the only people I can think of who care about me are them." I stared at him firmly, "You once promised me that you would take good care of them and do your best. So you can't do anything that might hurt them for anyone's sake, this is what you personally promised me. Shi Chu Gege, since you're good to me, does what you said count or not?"

  He opened his mouth, hesitated for a moment, and then his expression turned solemn. "I will grant your request," he said. My heart slowly fell back into place, and I let out a silent sigh of relief.

  The disappointment and despair in his eyes were as thick as the fog on a winter morning, shrouding everything around him. He spoke in a low, sorrowful tone: "Actually, you could have just told me to wait for you for a few years, it wouldn't matter if I had to wait my whole life. Why did you have to reject me so cruelly and absolutely, not leaving me with even a glimmer of hope?"

  The sorrow in his words infected my mood, and I was taken aback. My heart was filled with distress, but I refused to show even a hint of it on my face. Instead, I calmly said, "If I were to give you false hope, it would only make you wait in vain. Shi Chu Gege, you know that I never say things that go against my heart. If I were to deceive and delay you, I wouldn't be able to rest easy myself."

  He was lost in thought for a long time. The bright sunlight outside the window fell on his body, as if shining on a forever dark corner, but it couldn't illuminate him no matter what. Although he felt down, he tried his best to calm himself and said: "Do you still remember when we first met? You peeled many lotus seeds for me to eat. At that time, you were still young and didn't know that you had to remove the bitter germ of the lotus seed before eating it. I ate them one by one, feeling very bitter, so bitter that I couldn't swallow. But because they were peeled by you, no matter how bitter they were, I would eat them, and feel happy, thinking they were sweet. So today, as long as it's your decision, no matter how difficult it is to accept, I will accept it and respect your wishes."

  I only felt a slight relief, slowed down my tone and said: "You always feel sorry for me being hardworking here. But if I were to avoid the hardships of life by being with someone I don't like, I'm not that kind of person. This is something that Shige-nee must have understood long ago. So, if you treat me as a loved one, it would only be a waste of emotions and make things difficult for me. Therefore, in this lifetime, I will respect you as an older brother or friend, to repay the kindness you've shown me." My words were soft like spring rain, but he could sense the weight behind them. Although I was being polite, I couldn't give him even a glimmer of hope.

  He remained silent for a long time, only nodding his head, standing up and leaving, sighing: "Xuan sister, you always make me helpless. But since you've said it so clearly today, I... will never trouble you again."

  I placed the jade vase in front of him, carefully rewrapped it for him, and said softly: "Take good care of it, and one day give it to another woman who loves you just as much, don't show it off so easily again."

  He stared blankly at the jade pot, unable to reach out his hand, and sighed heavily, saying: "If you won't accept it, who else can I give it to?"

  My heart felt a slight pang, but it was only for an instant, and I hardened my heart again. If I had shown even a moment's weakness, it would have brought endless trouble to both him and me. So I still smiled on the surface and said, "This is like you're arguing with me."

  I pushed him again. He was helpless, turned his face and said: "How can I bear to lose my temper with you?" His hands trembled slightly, and after a moment, he closed his eyes tightly, hugged the jade pot into his arms, and walked away quickly.

  He walked to the door, turning back three times, his eyes filled with longing and pain, enough to shatter one's heart. I barely dared to lift my head to meet his gaze, only smiling as usual, seeing the longing and reluctance in his eyes like the last ray of sunset on the horizon, finally sinking down bit by bit, leaving only endless pain, like an infinite dark night, so dark it was suffocating.

  I hung my head for a moment, and what I could say was just a long sigh.