Volume 4 Chapter 3: Rainy Bell

  The grievances and resentment in my heart were like a trapped beast, bursting out in all directions, almost piercing through my chest. Suddenly, they transformed into icy cold, crimson letters that tightly wrapped around my chest, twisting and turning. It felt as if someone's hand was tightly gripping my throat, with such force that it seemed to be venomously hateful, making me gasp for air, my chest feeling like it was being pounded by a drumstick, the pain so intense that I let out loud cries of shock.

  There were hurried footsteps beside my ear, and someone shook me awake with a strong push on my shoulder. I woke up with a start, feeling parched and bitter in my mouth, as if my tongue was stuck to my teeth. My heartbeat was weak and faint, like the flickering flame of a candle on the table. My clothes were soaked with sweat, clinging to my body. I struggled to lift my hand to wipe my forehead, slowly sitting up.

  In a moment of distraction, all I hear is the cold rain tapping on the window, chilling to the bone.

  Opening his eyes to see Gan Cai and Huan Bi's worried faces, he felt slightly reassured and croaked out in a hoarse voice: "I'm fine."

  The maid sat beside my bed and said with concern, "Young mistress had another nightmare."

  I was speechless for a moment, and could only wave my hand. Bixi couldn't find any calming tea anywhere, so she had to make do with a bowl of scalding hot water, which she blew on gently before slowly feeding it to me. Bixi worriedly said: "Miss has been having these nightmares nonstop, and there's no medicine to calm her mind, if this keeps up, when will her body ever recover?"

  "Girl, you've just arrived at Ganlu Temple and it's normal to feel uncomfortable with your surroundings. It's probably nothing serious, just take a good rest and you'll be fine."

  Tears still lingered on my face, and big drops of tears seeped onto the pillow, as if a small, dark-colored plum blossom had bloomed, scattered randomly. I reached out to wipe them away, and was taken aback myself, forcing a smile: "I'm just like a child now, even crying in my sleep."

  Since I entered the Ganlu Temple, I have actually cried very little. The sadness and anger have not diminished for a moment, and my thoughts and worries about Father, Mother, and Brother are increasing day by day. However, my eyes are dry, like a dried-up well, only seeing thick moss ten feet high, but no waves or ripples. When I am extremely sad, I often stare blankly at the yellow window paper all day, sitting in a daze, which is usually how I spend the whole day. Sometimes even Yuanyuan can't bear to look at me and advises: "Miss, if you keep suppressing your emotions like this, it will harm your body, why not cry out loud and feel better?"

  I just slowly shook my head, where are there still tears? And what can tears change anyway.

  Occasionally, someone comes to see me. Apart from the abbot, there is only that nun who brought red sugar on that day. After coming a few times, I gradually learned her name and surname, she's called Mo Yan. She has a cold and thin face with high cheekbones that give off a slightly fierce aura, and doesn't like to talk much, always with a cold expression, looking as if she doesn't care about anything. With this kind of demeanor, it's natural that she can't get along with the other nuns in the temple, but no one dares to provoke her either, they just mind their own business. She is isolated by everyone. And I, naturally, also don't have many people coming to see me.

  Occasionally, Mo Yan would come once in a while, leaning against the door frame to look at me for a moment, with an icy expression. I just nodded to her and continued to stare blankly or sleep to recover. If she saw that my expression was dull when she came, she would always show some disdain, often leaving after a moment, saying, "You've already fallen out of the secular world, why still be heartbroken for a man? You're really an idiot."

  Although she has helped me, we are not familiar with each other. Why should I tell her about my sorrow and heartache, which is not just caused by men's behavior?

  Mo Yan often sneers at me, "During the day, thinking about stinky men and feeling sad for them, at night, thinking about stinky men and feeling sad for them. In the past, now, and forever. Women are all useless, living their whole lives only knowing how to think about stinky men and feel sad for them."

  She kept calling him a "stinky man", scolding him with relish and justification. I was speechless with laughter, thinking that someone with such a tone would be better off becoming a nun. So I said to her: "You'd be best off becoming a nun. You're so disgusted by men, it's only natural that you wouldn't want to see them, and there are no men in a nunnery."

  She hummed softly and said, "If you can't let go of the stinky man, then the shadow of the stinky man is everywhere with you. What does it have to do with whether or not you are a nun at Ganlu Temple?"

  Suddenly I remembered a remark made by another girl that I happened to overhear: "Mo Yan seems to have a grudge against men."

  I also think so, so I just smiled and didn't bother to argue with her anymore.

  However, Mo Yan also praised me at times, "You're indeed a good-tempered person. You can't put down the stinky man and haven't shed a single tear for him. That's right, our clean and pure tears shouldn't be wasted on a stinky man!"

  I didn't shed a tear, but my hollow strength and numbness completely collapsed in my sleep. My tears, so reckless and unbridled, crawled all over my face like insects, rampaging and ravaging as they went.

  Qingyu said, "Let's boil a pot of hot water and have the young lady wipe herself down before sleeping. Sleeping with sweat all over will easily lead to catching a cold." She placed her warm palm gently on top of my hand and softly said, "If the young lady isn't sleepy, Qingyu will keep you company and chat with you."

  I nodded silently.

  "Your nightmares, are they because of what happened in the past?" I responded with silence, which was taken as a confirmation. Qian Tong let out a soft sigh, "If it were someone else who had encountered such misfortune, they would also be heartbroken." She paused for a moment, "Have you ever thought about making a comeback and avenging your family's grievances?"

  Update, faster, only in , support literature, support! The bottom color of the heart is bitter, and that bitterness extends to the corners of the mouth and turns into a bitter smile. "I'm not saying I don't know what you mean, but if we want to make a comeback, take revenge, and redress grievances, we can only rely on him to do it. Otherwise, everything is just empty talk, with no way to implement."

  Xuan Ling's name is something I now avoid mentioning at all costs, to the point where I don't even want to call him "Your Majesty", instead referring to him only as "he".

  "I understand the natural way, and I said: 'The person who calculated me had already set up a linked plan. First, use the old clothes of the Empress Yuan to make me lose favor with him, making him think that I am intentionally offending the former emperor's wife, daring to compare myself to the former emperor's wife, and being so arrogant as to humiliate myself. It also made me understand that for many years, I was just a shadow of Empress Yuan in her eyes. My ten fingers were tightly clenched, my bones "cracked" with sound, even my finger joints turned white, and the hatred and helplessness in my heart were reflected in the tears that flowed like pearls. The person who set up the trap not only thought carefully but also knew my character well. If he decided that I was offending him, he would naturally not listen to half of my explanation, and even if I wanted to argue for someone else later, it would all become empty words, just a clever excuse. And since I know that I am just a shadow of someone else in his heart, how could I bear to see him again, or be affectionate with him? That person's plan was so deep and terrifying, far beyond my expectations, and thus he firmly controlled me under his thumb."

  The eyebrows of the empress were furrowed like a group of mountains, as if the willow leaves had been swept away by the strong wind. After an extreme silence, she suddenly raised her head, and there was a deep and desolate light in her eyes, like a ghost fire. She said word by word: "The queen is the master of the harem, and has been married to the emperor for many years, so it's natural to have such calculations."

  I hummed softly and sneered at myself: "At first, I always thought the queen was kind and benevolent. Later, I vaguely knew it wasn't, but I didn't expect today to come. I have always been respectful and obedient to the queen, and I have never made any unscrupulous moves."

  Her lips slightly raised, she said: "You only know one side, but not the other. You think that obeying the empress and being obedient to her will not make her want to kill you? I know that you and Empress Chunyuan look similar in appearance, and your temperaments are even more similar. The empress is Empress Chunyuan's younger sister, how could she not be even clearer about it? The emperor's feelings towards Empress Chunyuan were what kind of emotions? You resemble the late emperor's wife, in her eyes, you have long been a person to be eliminated. Moreover, at that time, your entire family had great merits in pacifying the King of Yunnan, and you have always been favored, now your family is even more prominent and difficult to deal with, even more so than Huafeng in the past." She thought for a moment, "If it were in the past, I would have only thought that the empress had some city walls, but now that I've personally experienced it with you, I finally understand how ruthless she is. These days, I've been thinking about it too, and I finally understand a bit. In fact, the empress has long been planning step by step, and we have been thoroughly calculated."

  The cold rain pattered against the wooden window frame with a "dang dang" sound, occasionally mixed with the howling of the cold wind, its voice like a ghostly wail, startling and moving. The chill of the rain, even through the window paper, was sharp and pressing.

  "Zhu Yixiu!" The name of the empress burst out from between my lips, each word piercing my heart. "I thought I wasn't hindering her, but in her eyes, I've already become the most obstructive person." I glanced at Xun Qi, and a wave of weakness and sorrow suddenly surged up from the bottom of my heart. "At first, she was just using me to counterbalance Empress Hua. Since I entered the palace, I've been under her calculations every step of the way. I'm the fish on the chopping board, yet I didn't even realize it - how could I possibly counter her? She's already set up a trap for me!"

  She slightly lowered her head, and the gradually thinning jawline in the dim candlelight had a faintly firm arc. The faint red candlelight seemed to ripple like water, casting a rather enchanting blush on her somewhat pale cheeks, but that blush also had a dark, shadowy hue. She silently calculated for half a day, "Don't even mention now, let alone before, we never had the ability to rival the empress at any time!"

  What Rong Xi said was true, and I had indeed thought it through carefully. In the dim light of dawn when I was half asleep, my body ached with pain, and I hadn't fully fallen asleep, countless times of suffering, every nerve in my body was awakened by the pain. I couldn't help but admit, "In the harem, most of the concubines thought she was virtuous and gentle, those who knew her true nature would often meet with unexpected disasters, so she always wore a warm and gentle smile when facing the harem. More importantly, even the Emperor thought so. She was the daughter of the Zhu family, the niece of the Empress Dowager, the cousin of the Emperor, and the younger sister of the Pure Yuan Empress, this was her unbreakable bloodline power that allowed her to be a role model for the world. Even if she didn't have any children..." I let out a cold laugh, like the mournful cry of an owl hiding in the branches at night, "No, from now on, the son of the former Di Fei would become her own son. She just had to wait and sit firmly on her throne as the Empress Dowager."

  "The Emperor..." The faint blue vein on his forehead jumped slightly, and his eyes stared at me intensely.

  Her words, I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness. A faint smile spread to the corners of my lips like a crack on my face. I calmly said: "After I became pregnant with the Crown Prince, our family encountered a series of misfortunes. I had thought that if I were willing to compromise and yield, perhaps I could make him believe in the innocence of the Fuyi House. However, he refused to listen and instead issued an imperial edict demoting my family members. In reality, at that time, I didn't think it through clearly. If he believed me, I wouldn't have been confined to the palace for wearing a dress that belonged to Empress Chunyuan, suffering from loneliness and hardship in Tongli Palace, losing my unborn child, and even being forbidden from leaving the palace when I was pregnant. It wasn't until later that I thought it through clearly and chose to leave the palace to cultivate myself. Even if I were still by his side, he would have promoted me to be a Noble Consort. How could I possibly put on a strong face and smile, enduring humiliation and flattery? He is the Emperor after all, and I, Zhen Huan, am not that kind of person."

  Xuan Yu comforted me by patting my hand, saying: "Actually, although the Zhen family is separated from north to south, they are all safe and sound. Although the young mistress was strong-willed, she wasn't as stubborn and unyielding as Rui Jun's wife, who killed herself to prove her innocence and clear her name, but ended up being accused of coercing the king and died with her eyes open in anger. It's just a pity about Zhen Shao Fu Ren and Xiao Gong Zi." Xuan Yu hesitated for a moment before asking: "Actually, there is one thing that I have always been puzzled about - if An Ling Rong hated the young mistress, it would make sense to target her or her closest relatives. But why did Zhen Shao Fu Ren and Xiao Gong Zi end up being the ones who suffered? I heard that the doctor who treated Zhen Shao Fu Ren and Xiao Gong Zi's malaria was actually a physician from An Shi's own household - isn't that suspicious?"

  This feeling, in the past, even if I were in the palace, I couldn't have uttered half of it, and could only let it be buried in my heart, letting it rot in my belly. But now, things are different from before.

  I tried to restrain my tone, from intense to calm, "A woman's jealousy is extremely terrifying, even more so than a flood or a beast." I paused for a moment, "Especially when it comes to love between men and women."

  She was suddenly startled, and immediately understood. Her surprise was no less than mine when I discovered Ling Rong's tears on the eve of entering the palace. She hesitated for a moment, her complexion slightly recovered, and said: "I have been in the palace for many years, and I have seen many people and things. Although I can also sense some of An Shi's slight unkindness, however... An Shi towards Zhen Gongzi... I really didn't see half of it at that time."

  I let out a long sigh and said, "It's not just you. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes and heard it with my own ears, even I would hardly believe it myself. But the so-called fate is indeed real. An Shi's deep and subtle thoughts can also be seen from this. I fell into a daze and tears rolled down, scalding hot tears almost scorching my heart. "In the past, you hinted to me that An Lingrong might have ulterior motives, reminding me to be careful, but it was because I trusted her too much, trusted the so-called sisterly love too much, that's why things ended up like this today. It's also because of my own carelessness and credulity."

  "This is the weakness of the young lady, being too emotional. In fact, in the palace, it's better to take the word 'emotion' lightly, just like Empress Jing, and perhaps you will be more at ease."

  I choked back my words, and slowly spoke out the thoughts that had been unclear to me for so long: "Qian Xun, I've always been unable to understand. The way I treated An Ling Rong, although not as deeply as I did with Mei Zhuang, was still with all my heart. Why does she hate me to this extent? First, she used Shu Hen's poison to kill the child in my womb, then she colluded with the Empress to overthrow me, trampling me to the very bottom, and not even sparing my entire family. I don't understand, how could she hate me so much?"

  Ling Yu's expression was also complex and bewildered, but she smiled calmly, with a worldly understanding that pierced through the complexity, "The intricacies of human hearts are probably just like this."

  "The complexity and variability of human hearts..." I muttered to myself, "Xīn Yuè, nowadays I often have a kind of foolish fantasy. If life were only like the first time we met... Like Ling Rong, she was just as weak and delicate when I first saw her, and Mei Zhuang's sister was also so bright and elegant. And he, was just like how he looked when I first saw him..." I smiled wistfully, "In the midst of apricot blossoms scattered all over the sky like rain, he came with a smile that spring... But spring, will eventually pass. If time had only stopped at that moment, without the subsequent entanglements, it would have been great."

  The night wind crept in through the window gap, carrying a damp and chilly breath, like an unspoken sigh that made the originally dim candle flame flicker. Qianru covered the spark with her hand, remained silent for a moment, then said: "Autumn winds are sorrowful paintings, people's hearts change easily. Things in this world often turn out to be so."

  "The mountain speech ended at midnight, the night rain was endless and I didn't resent it. How about the thin lucky brocade clothes child, together with the branch that day's wish? I slowly finished reciting, the night rain was sorrowful and hard to bear, but I couldn't help but smile lightly and say: 'Tonight is also a cold rain night, isn't it? Xian Qi, do you believe me? The thin lucky brocade clothes child, these days, he almost never enters my dreams. I'm afraid that if this goes on for long, I'll soon forget his appearance."

  Her smile was warm and soothing, calming the heart. "He was originally someone the princess had decided to forget, so it's better if she doesn't remember him. Life in the palace is always able to grind away a person's edges, and after many years of being in the palace, the princess has learned to endure and compromise when it comes to people and things. The red walls and scarlet shadows of the palace are constantly at odds with each other, and I often feel that the princess's temper had been worn down since she first entered the palace. It wasn't until that day, when the princess bid farewell to him with a resolute heart, reciting 'Jade water is warm, forever parted from you', that I realized this was her true nature. This is what it means to be the princess. Unfortunately, the palace cannot accommodate such a good temper. The princess being able to leave and preserve herself as well as others is already a great fortune amidst misfortune."

  I appreciate Tongda's understanding, but I also said: "Even if I forget him, some things, some grievances and sorrows, are afraid that it will take a long time to forget."

  "Wild geese may leave no trace, but humans do. Even if the mistress truly forgets this person after a long time, some scars can never be erased. People have heart demons, and the mistress must make an effort to calm down.

  After finishing her words,槿汐's smile was bright and clear, like ripples on water that seemed to illuminate one's eyes. "So, doesn't it mean that the mistress's feelings for him aren't truly heartfelt? That's why resentment and heartache are more than nostalgia and love. If the feelings were truly deep and firm, they wouldn't be easily covered up by hatred and resentment. Of course, such feelings are not needed in the palace. Even if they exist, they can't withstand the wind and rain, various plots and schemes, and will eventually dissipate.

  But to say it again, if only the mistress puts effort into maintaining this feeling, but he suspects and guesses, how can this feeling last? It's actually making the mistress heartbroken. The good feelings in this world must be mutual, you have feelings for me and I have feelings for you, we trust each other, and then we can truly understand each other, and go on for a long time."

  I smiled and said: "Xī Suì, are you already over 35 years old this year? Did you really grow up in the palace serving since childhood?"

  Ling Yu was slightly surprised, "This is natural."

  I smiled: "Then why is it that you understand more deeply and clearly than the countless foolish men and resentful women in this world?"

  "Ha! You're laughing at me, miss? You've always been clever, how come you don't know that in this big world, it's always the bystander who's clear-headed and the one involved is confused. Especially when it comes to love affairs. If I were the one entangled in a love affair right now, I'd probably be the most muddled person of all."

  I nodded slightly, "Just you, Suo Jia, the most astute, how could you fall into love and be unable to extricate yourself one day?"

  Qingyu's expression was a fleeting moment of trance, but I thought it was just my mistake. How could Qingyu have such a sorrowful and melancholic look? It must be my mistake. She quickly laughed and said: "I'm just a lowly servant who only knows how to serve my master, and I'm already an old woman of 35 years old, more than half of my life has passed, what romance can there be? This is really just a joke."

  I spoke to her, and my annoyance had already dissipated by more than half. At this moment, I also smiled and said: "Yes, indeed, it was just a joke on my part. But now that I think about it, being heartless is actually much better than having feelings."

  Xiang Yu just smiled, "Is that so? If one day the daughter-in-law were to meet someone who truly cared for her and she also truly cared for him, perhaps the daughter-in-law wouldn't say such things."

  I was speechless with laughter. "Zi Yu, you're a joke! You're even more outrageous than I am when I'm teasing you. How could someone like you appear before me, now that I've entered the Buddhist faith?"

  She helped me wash and sleep, with a gentle smile, "Indeed, I was just joking, to make you laugh, so that you can sleep well."

  I fell asleep again. The sound of rain outside the window was murmuring, the wind was rustling, and it was already autumn, but what's more depressing is that the wind and rain are helping to make it even more desolate, and it's also stirring up feelings of parting and longing. In my long lament, I didn't realize that tears had wetted the window screen, and I gradually calmed down and fell asleep.