It's morning. I just woke up.

  I quickly fell asleep last night after realizing my feelings for Kay. I felt a very real sense of peace. Everything makes more sense now and I don't have to worry about hurting Kay.

  But now that I'm awake again I'm pretty anxious.

  It’s Thursday. That means I have class with Kay this morning. I'm excited to see her but also a little scared.

  How am I supposed to act around her now?

  …

  Kay was late to class today. And then the class was filled with lecture and student presentations, so there wasn't much time for us to talk.

  Even so, I can tell my feelings for her are very real. When she walked in, my heart started beating faster and for the whole class I've been stealing lots of glances at her and admiring her fair skin and blue eyes. She caught me a few times and smiled, and that made my heart go even crazier.

  She's just so freaking pretty. And sweet. And then her body…

  I shake my head to keep myself from going off on a tangent.

  These are the same feelings I've had for her for quite some time. But it's like they were turned way down before. And now they are turned all the way up. It's kind of intense.

  Class just ended, mercifully. I have to get this out of me or I'm going to explode.

  I tap her on her shoulder as she puts her things away, “Um…Kay, do you want to, maybe-”

  “Sorry, Em. I can't today. Have to get to the workout earlier than usual because of the game tomorrow. See you later, though!”

  She gives me a cute smile and bolts out the door, leaving me feeling very unsatisfied. And very silly.

  Oh well, there will be plenty of time to tell her.

  …

  I just finished a lunch where I couldn't taste anything because I was so distracted by how I feel about Kay.

  Now I'm laying on my bed and thinking about everything.

  Class definitely confirmed how I was feeling. I'm really attracted to her and these feelings are definitely romantic.

  Now I have to figure out when to tell her. And how to tell her. I want it to be a special moment between us and not just a text or me blurting it out during a meal. It's probably good in some ways that she had to go. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it in when I'm around her.

  I need to do it when we're in private.

  There is another game tomorrow. I think that means she will be free all day on Saturday.

  I nod to myself, feeling resolved. And then I send her a text.

  “Do you want to hang out, just you and me on Saturday? It's been awhile since it was just the two of us. It would be fun to spend the day together.”

  I'm a little surprised when she replies almost immediately.

  “Sure! I would like that. Should we have a slumber party?”

  I swallow so loudly there's an audible ‘gulp’ sound.

  If like…I tell her how we feel and we start dating, won't a slumber party mean…sex?

  I don't think I'm ready for that.

  …am I?

  Neither of us has any experience. And knowing Kay, I'm pretty sure I'd have to take the lead.

  That…sounds really nice, actually.

  My heart starts pounding as my thoughts become increasingly lewd.

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath to clear my mind.

  Then I text Kay back, “Yeah. We can do that.”

  I stare blankly at my screen, stunned that that's what I sent. I didn't clear my mind enough, apparently.

  No going back now.

  I sigh and lay back in my bed and put my hands over my face.

  I can always back out of staying the night. She's going to be super shy about that kind of thing most likely, so we probably won’t do it right away anyway.

  Crap, now I'm thinking about Kay’s body again!

  My phone starts to vibrate and it feels like my heart jumps out of my chest. It must be Kay calling to talk about our plans. I'm not sure I can handle that right now.

  Now that I opened that door, thoughts about her body won't stop coming through it.

  However, when I look at my phone, I'm surprised to see that my mom is calling me.

  Since I came here, we haven't talked on the phone very much. Between her work and how early she goes to bed, there's a narrow window for us to talk. Especially with the time difference.

  We have kept up with each other in texts, but getting a call in the middle of the day - on a weekday no less - is very unusual.

  I answer, “Hey mom.”

  “H-hello, Emily.”

  I can tell from her voice that she is very upset. She may even have been crying.

  “Everything okay?”

  “No…”

  I sit up in bed, “What's wrong?”

  “They…found out about my drinking. At work.”

  “Oh. Shit.”

  She laughs wryly, “My thoughts exactly.”

  “How did that happen? You're usually…pretty careful.”

  She sighs, “This is the first time you and I have ever actually talked about my drinking. I wondered sometimes whether you knew I had a problem.”

  I'd have to be the stupidest person in the world to not know she's an alcoholic. But she's upset right now, so I won't say that.

  I scoff, “Of course I did. I just…didn't know what to do about it. Or what to say. Didn't you notice I was taking care of you?”

  She sighs, “I…did. I was just in…denial I suppose. Anyway, without you here taking care of me things have gotten…worse.”

  “H-how much worse?”

  She starts to sniffle, “I was late to work several times. And multiple clients reported…smelling alcohol on me.”

  Oh no.

  “I was never drunk at work, mind you. I would never do that. But…waking up hungover and rushing to work smelling like alcohol isn't that much better.”

  I grimace, “Wh-what's going to happen?”

  She sighs, “They said they would have to let me go unless I agreed to go to rehab.”

  “Ah. I see. How do you feel about that?”

  “I…think I probably need it. I have a problem. And I need help.”

  “Yeah. You do.”

  “They're going to pay for it and everything. One of the benefits of being a therapist at a mental health center I suppose. My colleagues and superiors all understand addiction better than in most workplaces.”

  “Well yeah, plus you're like - an award-winning child therapist. They need you.”

  No, the irony is not lost on me that my neglectful alcoholic mother is an award-winning child therapist.

  She chuckles, “Before this they did, anyway.” She starts to sniffle again, “I want to ask something of you. And you can tell me if I'm being unreasonable.”

  “Um…okay?”

  “Would you come home today through Sunday? I checked the flight schedule and there's a red eye. I just…I need to see you before I go in on Monday. It would help me a lot.”

  THIS WEEKEND!? The one where I was going to spend time alone with Kay and tell her all about my feelings?! Is this really the week they have to send my mom to rehab?

  Ugh. I’m being selfish. This thing with Kay can wait. My mom’s thing is time sensitive. And I'm actually really happy she's getting help.

  “Emily? Are you still there?”

  “Y-yeah I am, sorry.” I take a deep breath, “Yeah, I'll come. It'll be a quick visit, but I can do it.”

  She sounds so relieved, “I'll get your plane ticket and send you the info.”

  After I hang up the phone I sigh deeply and then punch my pillow several times while cursing my mom's rotten timing.

  Then I text Kay to let her know what's going on, and apologize for backing out of plans right after making them.

  She replies, “I know it's hard, but it's good that you'll be there for your mom. I'm here for you, if you need me.”

  I spend far too long looking at her text and smiling.

  …

  I'm just about ready to head to Sioux Falls, but there's one more thing I need to do. Luckily, it's Dr. Aines's office hour.

  I'm seated across from his desk right now. His office is tinier and more sparsely decorated than I expected.

  “Have a question about Charlemagne, Ms. Jimenez?”

  “Um…no, actually. I think I understood everything from yesterday. He was super conceited and thought he could revive the Roman Empire even though he was an illiterate barbarian.”

  Dr. Aines laughs, “That's…certainly one interpretation. What can I help you with, if it isn't class?”

  “Well…it's kind of about your other job. Is that allowed during your office hours?”

  He raises an eyebrow, “Sure, I'm listening.”

  “I have to go out of town, unexpectedly. Like right now. So I won't be in class tomorrow, and I won't be able to go to the game either. Is there any way I can listen to the game?”

  He chuckles, “Well…there's this newfangled invention called the radio. Maybe you've heard of it.”

  I cross my arms and huff at him, “And you call me snarky.”

  He shrugs, “I never said I wasn't also snarky.”

  I roll my eyes at him, “Anyway, I know I can listen on the radio if I'm here. But home for me is Boston.”

  He nods, “Ah, I see the problem.” He thinks for a moment, “Will you have access to the internet?”

  “Yeah. I can listen online?"

  “Indeed. We just added it last year. If you go to the station website, you can access the live radio.”

  He gets out a post-it note and writes down the URL before handing it to me.

  I exhale as I look at the note and then hold it to my chest, “Oh, thank God. I really didn't want to miss it completely.”

  He laughs, “You're a very good friend for wanting to follow the game so badly.”

  I laugh awkwardly, realizing this is probably yet another thing that I wouldn't be doing if I wasn't in love with Kay.

  …

  I'm at the airport. All checked into my flight and waiting for boarding to start. I usually have a nice relaxed feeling at this point, since I'm always antsy about getting to the gate on time. But between realizing my very strong feelings for Kay and everything going on with my mom, I don't feel very relaxed.

  Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.

  Just as I'm thinking about all of this I hear a gruff, “Um…what the hell are you doing here?”

  I look up from my seat and see Ashley, looking down at me sternly with her arms crossed. She's still wearing J.J.’s hoody, but has her own fitted jeans on today.

  I'm surprised by the sight at first, but then it all makes sense. She's flying back to Maryland today. This is a small regional airport that doesn’t have very many flights. We’re probably on the same flight to Chicago before we take direct flights to our respective cities.

  I grin at her and tap my chin with my finger, “Well…let's see…why would someone be at the airport. There are so many possibilities…”

  She ignores my joke and sits down next to me and narrows her eyes, “You aren’t…running away, are you?”

  I stare at her blankly, utterly flummoxed by her question.

  When she realized I'm not getting it she whispers, “Did we freak you out that much last night?”

  Oh. I guess it DOES look weird. I realized I was gay and in love with my best friend last night and now I’m at the airport. And I was with her for several hours yesterday and I didn't mention anything about traveling today.

  Just as I'm about to answer her question, my phone starts to vibrate in my bag. I hold up a finger to Ashley as I get it out and then chuckle when I see the name on my phone screen. I show Ashley the name, and she gestures for me to answer.

  She's never called me before. I wonder if she's worried too.

  I flip my phone open and casually say, “Hey J.J., what's up?”

  She sounds equal parts annoyed and worried, “What's up!? Where the hell are you!? Did something happen between you and Kara?”

  “Huh? No. Why? Did she say something?”

  “Well she just…told me you had to go out of town for a few days and was weird and evasive about it when I asked why. She wouldn't give me any details. I was worried you were…running away or something.”

  “No. I didn't. Hey listen, Ashley is here with me and she is worried about the same thing. So I'm going to talk to her and she'll fill you in, okay?”

  There’s a long silence and then a very confused, “Huh? Ash is…wha?”

  I laugh, “I’m at the airport, but I’m not running away. You’ll hear the rest from Ashley.”

  She sounds even more confused, but ultimately agrees to end our call.

  I turn to Ashley, “Pretty cute you two are both so worried about me. Not sure what it says about me though, that you both think I would run away. I wouldn't do that to Kay.”

  Not again, anyway.

  “Well…when we left you last night you looked rattled. And…sometimes people freak out about this kind of thing. Try to bottle it up.”

  I smile, “Well, you don’t have to worry. You two were right. About everything. And I'm telling Kay when I get back.”

  She lets out a relieved sigh and all the tension on her face is replaced by joy, “Really!?”

  “Really. I was going to tell her sooner but…some family stuff came up so I unexpectedly have to go home for a few days.”

  “Oh. Well…sucks about the family stuff, but I'm glad you figured things out with Kara.”

  I smile, “Me too.”

  …

  I’m at the airport in Boston.

  Things are not off to a good start with my mother. She was supposed to meet me at the airport, but she isn’t here. I tried calling her, but she didn’t pick up. It is midnight, so it’s pretty late, especially for her. But she said that she wouldn’t drink and would pick me up.

  It sounded too good to be true, but I thought maybe she turned over a new leaf because of what happened at work. Clearly that didn’t happen.

  I know she’s going through something hard right now and about to go to rehab. But like…just wait to drink for another couple of hours to pick up the daughter that you BEGGED to come visit you.

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath and swallow down my rage, before making my way outside so that I can hail a cab.

  …

  When I get home, my mom is exactly where she always is. Passed out on the couch in front of the television and snoring. From the number of wine bottles on the coffee table, it looks like she probably drank more than she usually does. Usually it’s just two bottles a night. Right now there are four.

  So much for not drinking tonight, huh?

  As I bend over her and gently put my hand on her shoulder, I catch a whiff of the Chardonnay she always drinks and it makes me gag. The smell of alcohol always does.

  I haven’t missed not being around alcohol at all the last several months, that’s for sure.

  Pretty messed up that for me, going to college means being around alcohol LESS.

  My mom stirs and half opens her eyes, “Elmily…how ah you?”

  I HATE how she sounds when she’s drunk. Actually, I hate how anyone sounds when they’re drunk, but I think it’s because of her. Just like I hate everything else about alcohol and will never drink because of her.

  I sigh, “I’m fine. Just…letting you know I’m here. Go back to sleep.”

  “...’m so gald you’re hrere.” In the next instant she’s snoring again.

  I can’t say I feel the same right now. But whatever.

  I head up to my room and put down my things while feeling incredibly depressed and frustrated. This is a feeling I used to have all the time. A feeling of complete helplessness. A feeling of deep concern for my mom but not knowing what to do. It's horrible.

  I sit down on my bed and sigh.

  I don't have this feeling when I'm at school. I just feel happy there, mostly.

  It's so wild that I love it there so much now. And sure, some of that is how I feel about Kay, but not all of it. I like almost everything about school.

  I've genuinely come to love the place I hated at the start of the semester.

  And now I hate being here. Since now I know a life where I don't have to deal with my drunk and hungover mom every single fucking day.

  I get out my phone and I see that I have a text from Kay.

  “<3”

  I never knew two characters could make me feel so much better.

  My mom and I have had a pretty nice day even though we didn't get off to a great start yesterday. We went for a walk, I helped her pick out clothes to bring to the rehab place, and we watched a movie. We ordered pizza from my favorite place, which is one of the few things I find I still miss about being here. Pizza Hut is the only pizza place in that tiny town.

  Now it's time for what I'm the most excited about, though - the basketball game. I'm in the living room on my laptop getting it set up so we can listen to the game.

  My mom is going to listen with me but the woman knows less about sports than I do, so I doubt she'll understand anything. I appreciate the gesture though. She can tell I'm excited.

  I sigh loudly when I see my mom sit down next to me with a glass of wine.

  She frowns, “I have to finish all the wine in the house so there isn't any when I come back.”

  I cross my arms and roll my eyes, “Really? That's the excuse you're going with?”

  My mom looks embarrassed, making me feel bad.

  “Whatever. Do what you have to. I know…you can't just stop on your own.”

  She sighs and looks down at her glass, “I wish I could.” She sniffles, “I hate that I put you through so much. I'm a terrible mother.”

  I do my best to let go of my frustration and put my hand on her back, “It…wasn't always easy. It's true. Especially when I was younger. But… you aren't terrible. You just have a problem.”

  She sighs, “Yeah. I do.” She hands me the wine glass, “Go pour that down the sink.”

  “What? You don't have to.”

  “I know…but I may as well try. It will be useful to know how far I can get on my own. I'll stay sober for Kara's game, at least. That's doable.”

  …

  “McCulloh is at the top of the key assessing her options. Olson just set a beautiful screen, and McCulloh drives towards the basket and puts it in. It's 17-15, the home team is up two.”

  “That's really your history professor?”

  I laugh, “Yep. He's easy to listen to, huh?”

  My mom nods, “What does it mean that Kara set a screen?”

  I smile, proud that I know the answer, and then explain the pick and roll to my mom.

  She smiles during my whole explanation, “You've gotten very into basketball, haven't you?”

  I nod as I listen to Dr. Aines call the other team's possession.

  “She passes it to McGee in the low post, but Olson is right on her. McGee spins to try to put it in, but it gets rejected with a thunderous block by Olson!”

  I reflexively stand up and scream, “YESSSS!”

  My mom looks up at me wide-eyed, causing me to look away. I smile bashfully, “S-sorry. I get excited.”

  My mom laughs, “I can see that.”

  “Juarez is checking in now at Point Guard with McCulloh taking a breather. She played significant minutes in the first game, so Coach Thompson must like what she's seeing from the true freshman out of Maryland.”

  “That's my other friend, J.J. I hope she gets to play a lot.”

  My mom nods, “Ah yes, you've mentioned her. The one with the girlfriend who was on your flight?”

  I nod, but am too focused on the game to do more than that.

  “That's Juarez's fourth assist to Olson in as many possessions. Those two have tons of chemistry. They are friends off the court too, it seems to be doing wonders for their game.”

  I think he only knows they are friends because of me. That's kind of funny.

  “With 30 seconds left in the half, the home team is up by 3. The visitors will be able to hold the ball for one last shot. Oh! Juarez knocked the ball loose, and there's a scrum for the ball. It looks like Olson came away with it and called time.”

  I'm tempted to yell in victory again but I control myself and pump my fist with a more controlled, “Yes!”

  “Oh…this doesn't look good. Olson's still down.”

  What?

  “The training staff has come on the court, and it seems to be her knee. Another player may have fallen on her when they were diving for the ball.”

  What!?

  “They are helping her up now, but she isn’t putting any weight on that right knee. The trainers are taking her right to the locker room. Her night may be over.”

  “WHAT!?”

  My mom pats me on the shoulder, “I hope she's okay.”

  “M-me too. I think she will be. She's like…a freaking Amazon. She'll be okay.”

  “In just the first half, Olson has 12 points, 10 rebounds and 6 blocks. It would be a real shame if it's serious.”

  I start to get very worried about Kay, so I take it out on Dr. Aines, even though he can't hear me.

  “Yeah, no shit it's a shame!”

  My mom looks at me with concern, “Are you okay?”

  I bite the inside of my cheek anxiously, “I…I don't know. I'm just really worried. Not knowing what's going on is driving me crazy.”

  I look at my phone and consider texting Kay. But quickly realize there is no way she has her phone right now.

  …

  It's the second half now and Dr. Aines begins with a statement that makes me feel even worse.

  “I've received word that Olson won't be returning for tonight's game.”

  I spend the rest of the game only half-listening as I think about what might be happening with Kay. And how she must be feeling. My mom tries to comfort me a few times but it doesn't help. By the end, there aren't any additional updates.

  The good news is we won by a point, and J.J. played a fair bit and had a good game.

  Now that it's over, I'm trying to decide if I should call Kay or if she'll be busy with trainers and doctors and stuff. Just as soon as I take my phone into my hand, it starts to ring and Kay's name flashes on the screen.

  I excuse myself from the living room and answer the call in my bedroom.

  “K-kay?!”

  When I hear her voice, my heart sinks. She sounds sadder than I’ve ever heard her. At least since she was a little girl. I can tell she’s been crying.

  She sniffles and says, “H-hey, Em.”

  Just the defeated tone of her voice is enough to get me choked up. But I do my best to keep myself from crying. That won't help her right now.

  “How is your knee?”

  She sighs, “Wrecked. I tore my meniscus. It probably needs surgery. My season's done.” She breathes in sharply, and starts to cry. Through her tears she says, “I didn't even get to play two whole games, Em.”

  I'm supposed to be there holding her when she cries. Just like I promised when we were little.

  I feel tears run down my cheek, but manage to keep my voice steady, “I-I'm so sorry. This is terrible. I know how important it is to you.”

  She gathers herself, “Y-yeah…I didn't tell you, because I was being superstitious and didn't want to jinx it…but this isn’t the first time I've gotten hurt.”

  “I-it isn’t?”

  She sniffles, “Uh-uh. I was actually…being scouted by a bunch of D1 schools my junior year, but hurt this same knee and didn't play much my senior year.”

  I think D1 is like, that bigger school they played in the scrimmage.

  “I-it was…the hardest time in my life. I know that sounds dumb, with what you've been through. With what you're dealing with right now. You're having a hard weekend with your mom. And I'm complaining about basketba-”

  I cut her off, “Hey. It's not dumb. You love basketball. And you're like…amazing at it. Not being able to play is…it must have been awful.” My voice cracks, “I-I…should have been there for you last time. I will be this time, okay?”

  “Okay. I'd like that. A lot.” She pauses for a moment, “Hey, I didn't think of it until now since I was blubbering. How did you even know I got hurt all the way in Boston?”

  I laugh , “I listened to the game online. I wanted to surprise you. It sounded like you were on your way to another triple double!”

  She laughs, “Wow, Em. You've really gotten into basketball, huh? You even know what you're talking about.”

  I feel relieved that she sounds more like her normal self. I wipe my tears with my sleeve, “Um…duh. I'm your biggest fan.”

  “Thanks, Em. It means a lot you were listening. I really needed to hear your voice. Talk it out with you. Makes me feel so much better.”

  I start to feel a warm sensation in my chest, “I'm glad I can help a little. But when I get back, I'll help a lot!”

  She laughs, “That sounds good to me. I miss you.”

  Oh God, I want to tell her I love her SO FREAKING BAD. But…it can wait.

  “I miss you too.”

  After that the call ends, I stare at my phone and start to get angry.

  I should have been there tonight. I shouldn’t have had to comfort her on the stupid phone. I should be there to hold her hand and give her snuggles.

  When I leave my room, I want nothing more than to find my mother and explode in her stupid alcoholic face. It's her fucking fault that I'm not there for Kay right now.

  But she emerges from the living room when she hears my door open. And she looks very worried about me. The fire that was burning inside of me gets put out.

  “I-is everything okay? Is she in the hospital or something?!”

  “N-no. It's not that kind of serious. But…she thinks her season's over.”

  My mom looks at me, confused, “I understand that that's a terrible thing. But…I'm not sure I've ever seen you this upset, sweetie. I can see you were crying. I was sure she must be really, really hurt.”

  I wipe my remaining tears, “Well…there's some other stuff at play, too.”

  My mom nods, eager to listen.

  I'm very glad she stayed sober tonight. I can't remember the last time I had a chat with my mom when the sun was down.

  I explain the guilt I have over ditching Kay back when we were kids and how not being there for her now is really upsetting me for that reason.

  My mom frowns, “I see. It is a pity it happened when you were gone.” My mom studies my face and calmly asks, “Are you in love with her?”

  Ugh. Maybe I'm NOT so glad she stayed sober. She's too sharp when she is. Damn therapy senses.

  I sigh and scratch the back of my head, “It's…that obvious, huh?”

  “Well…I saw how you reacted when she got hurt, and how upset you are now. I don't think you would feel this way for just a friend.”

  I nod, “Yeah. You're right. I would have written it off as ‘we're childhood friends’ a week ago, but…I was in denial.”

  “Does she know?”

  I shake my head, “I only figured it out a few days ago. I was going to tell her this weekend.”

  My mom smiles softly, “Do you think she…has feelings for you too?”

  “Our friends are sure she does, and before I started to feel this way, I was worried she liked me. So…yeah, I think so.”

  My mom smiles wider, “Well that's great. You can tell her when you get back.”

  “Yeah. I will.” I tilt my head at my mom, “You don't seem surprised to hear that I'm gay.” I laugh wryly, “I was more surprised than you seem to be.”

  She chuckles, “Well, it's a little surprising. But you never had much interest in boys.”

  I blink several times, thinking she must have lost her mind, “What about Derek?”

  She shrugs, “To be honest, you two never felt like a couple to me. Just close friends who happened to be opposite genders.”

  “Oh. Yeah. I…came to that conclusion myself recently.”

  Man, poor Derek. He really liked me. After this is all settled I'll call him and tell him I have a girlfriend. And apologize for wasting a year of his life. He'll be cool about it, but I still feel pretty bad.

  My mom hugs me which is not something we do very often, “Good luck with Kara. I… won't be able to contact you much while I'm at the center, but I'll be looking forward to hearing about it when I can.”

  I break the hug and smile at her, “I know…your work forcing you to do it sucks. And it's going to be hard. But I'm really glad you're going to rehab.”

  My mom smiles, “Yes. I think it will be good for me. I hope…I can be a better mother to you, from here on out.”

  “But mom, that's not-”

  She waves her hand, “I know, you didn't say that I was a bad mom. But my home life has been spent in a bottle for 10 years. I can't have been a good mother.”

  She's…not wrong. I just don't want her to feel bad. But she sees through that, of course.

  I nod, “I hope you can find a way to…be happier, and healthier.”

  She smiles, “I'll try my best. Thank you for coming to visit. And encouraging me. It makes it much easier.”