It's Sunday night. I've been back on campus for about an hour. I'm standing in front of Kay's door, getting ready to knock on it. We decided we would hang out if I was up to it, and I definitely am.

  I was pretty tired on the plane, and on the ride from Sioux Falls. But now I'm filled with energy. Because it's time to tell Kay about my feelings.

  I have lots of butterflies in my stomach. I'm really, really excited for this. But also just a tiny bit anxious. This is going to change everything.

  I take a deep breath and knock on the door. To my surprise, Kay opens it quickly and smiles down at me for a moment before pulling me into a tight hug.

  I hug her back of course, and take more time to feel her body than I have before. It's crazy how muscular she is. But she's somehow also still very comfy to hug and snuggle with. It's like the perfect amount of softness and firmness.

  We don't say anything during our hug, which goes on for quite some time. The longer it goes, the harder my heart beats, and the more I want to kiss her. I consider telling her about my feelings now, but ultimately decide I shouldn't while we're half in the hallway.

  Eventually she breaks the hug and invites me in with a big smile on her face.

  “I thought you'd be on crutches.”

  She shakes her head and points to her knee, “Just this brace. It’s a kind of minor tear it turns out.” She sighs, “I still can't play basketball on it, though. It might heal on its own, but it will take forever. So I'll probably still do surgery so I can play sooner.”

  I take her hand, “I'm sorry. This really sucks. I know I can't really do anything. B-but…if I can do anything at all to help, let me know.”

  She smiles and looks at me with her beautiful blue eyes, “Just that hug and…you being here has me feeling lots better.”

  My heart starts beating faster.

  She sits down on her bed and pats on the space next to her. I accept her invitation.

  Just as I'm thinking this might be an opportune time to tell her my feelings she says, “So, tell me about how things went with your mom.”

  Oh. Riiight. My mom. Right now my brain is filled to the brim with Kay, I kind of forgot about her…

  “Oh. They were good. I'm glad she's getting help. And…she even stayed sober for your game, which is an unusual thing, let me tell you.”

  “That's great!”

  Alright, enough of this. It's important, sure, but we can talk about it after she's my girlfriend too. And we can talk more about her knee too. But I need to get the ball rolling. I think it'll be easier if she's touching me.

  “C-can we um, lay down? I'm a little tired.”

  Kay smiles and lays on her side and I reflexively lay down on my side with my back up against her. She puts her arms around me and pulls me close to her. My heart starts beating so fast and hard that I feel like there is no way she can't hear it.

  I laugh, “Sh-shouldn't I be holding you ? You're the one who is hurt. And going through something really hard. I should be comforting you .”

  She gives me a squeeze, “Holding you is very comforting. It's like…probably my favorite thing.”

  My heart starts beating even faster.

  Yeah. Okay. I just have to tell her.

  “I um…I have something really important. L-like…life-changing I need to tell you. Something good!”

  “Really? I'm listening.”

  I take a deep breath and exhale.

  “I…um…I realized recently that I…um…I…”

  I probably shouldn’t be so nervous. She likes me. Everyone thinks so. So why am I having a hard time saying it?

  Kay sounds understandably confused by my sputtering, “You realized…what?”

  “You know what? Let me just…show you. It might be easier.”

  I roll over and see a very confused Kay.

  She must never have thought this would happen. She never told me about her feelings, after all. She must be so scared I'm going to reject her.

  Well, I'm about to surprise her. And make her very happy.

  I smile at her, put my hand on her cheek and gently press my lips against hers.

  As I do, time seems to slow down. Her soft, warm lips feel so nice against mine. I feel her hand move down from shoulder to my chest. For a split second I'm a little nervous about what she might be doing down there, but then I decide to just go with it. I've never let anyone touch me there. But she can. I want her to.

  But…her hand stops well above my breasts, and instead she uses her hand to gently, but firmly push me away. I pull back, confused, and see that she looks horrified.

  I'm shocked by her reaction, and think maybe I’m misreading something. But what she does next proves that I'm not.

  She moves as far away from me as she can without getting off the bed, “Wh-why did you do that!?”

  To say that I feel crushed would be an understatement.

  I can't believe I got this so wrong. I can't believe she doesn't feel the same about me.

  I quickly roll over and sit up, turning my back to her, “Because I…really like you, Kay. Like…as a girlfriend. I thought you…felt the same.” I start to sniffle and hug myself. I do my best to fight back my tears, though. It isn't fair for me to make her feel bad if this is how she feels. It’s my fault for making what was apparently a very foolish assumption.

  She puts her hand on my back, which is less soothing than usual. “I-I'm so sorry Em. I'm not…I d-don't dat-”

  I interrupt her and stand up, “Yeah…I got that. Um…I'm just…I'm gonna go. I need to be alone.”

  To my surprise, Kay yells “W-wait!”. When I turn back around, I see her sitting on the bed and crying. She's rubbing her eyes like a little kid as tears come pouring down her cheeks.

  I'm completely stunned.

  She may have just rejected me but I certainly don't want to see her like this, “Wh-what's wrong?”

  She sniffles, “A-am I going to lose you again?”

  I don't hesitate, “No. Of course not. We're the Alphabet Girls.”

  She looks up at me and smiles softly, “Okay. Good.” She wipes her tears and bows her head, “I'm sorry I just did…something so mean to you and then made it about me. I shouldn’t be crying when I just-”

  “I-it's okay. You weren’t mean. You…just told me how you feel. I just need a little time.” I laugh, “And not like 9 years. Just a day or two…I think.” I sigh, “I'm sorry I promised to be here for you with your injury, and now I'm running out on you.”

  “I-it's fine. I'll be injured for a while. You can help when you're ready.”

  Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  I nod, thankful that she's being understanding, and leave her dorm room.

  …

  When I get back to my room I hurl myself on my bed and let myself cry and think about this crappy situation.

  Well, that sucked. Hard.

  How ridiculous is it that I was so worried about rejecting her for so long, but in the end, she's the one who rejected ME?

  I was also convinced she was gay. Was I somehow seeing my own repressed gayness in her this whole time?

  Like, she isn't even gay. It's not like I had any proof she was, but I just started to assume after that night when Ella ‘warned’ me about her.

  I'M SO STUPID!

  I sigh.

  Ashley and J.J. thought she liked me too. That makes me feel a little better. They are more experienced with this stuff and they made the same mistake.

  And like…yeah, she and I do a lot of stuff most friends don't do. But apparently for her it really WAS the ‘childhood friend' thing.

  Kay's bawling face flashes in my head.

  She was so scared I was going to ditch her again. I guess it makes sense she got so upset. She had to do the thing I was so worried about for months.

  I sigh loudly.

  Things just ended up all backwards, didn't they?

  After crying and thinking for a little while, I call J.J.

  When she picks up I say, “Well…you and Ashley were wrong about Kay. So, thanks for that.”

  “What?! No way! You're messing with me, right? You two just made passionate love and you're actually calling to tell me you're together. She's listening in on the call, too. R-right?”

  I sigh, “ Wrong . I have the tears to prove it.” I sniffle loudly.

  “ Shit. I'm…I'm so sorry, Emily. That really sucks.”

  I snort, “Yeah, no shit. ”

  After that she asks to come over. At first I think maybe I want to be alone. But ultimately, I relent. Talking about it with her could do me some good.

  When she arrives, I lay on my side and snuggle my pillow, and she pulls up my desk chair to sit in front of me. I tell her everything that happened. All the details.

  She sighs and shakes her head when I finish, “I'm really sorry. I was so sure. But…guess I’m an idiot.”

  “ Yeah. You really are.”

  She laughs, “There's my spicy girl. You hadn't quite seemed yourself so far tonight. But you did right there.”

  “I think I'd have to be unconscious not to be.”

  She rolls her eyes and puts her hand on my shoulder, “Seriously though, how are you feeling?”

  “Not…great. I'm an idiot too. I thought it was a foregone conclusion that she liked me. That…like, this whole time Kay was just waiting around hoping I would fall for her. And that she'd be so happy when she found out.”

  Kay's horrified face flashes in my mind. I grimace.

  “So…getting rejected…when I hadn't even considered the possibility was…soul crushing.”

  J.J. grimaces, “I can imagine.”

  I sigh, “But…my soul will uncrush. Even if she doesn't want to be with me like that…I know she still cares about me a lot. And…she's a great friend who I want in my life. This doesn’t change that.”

  She nods, “You're a better woman than me. I break off all contact when I get rejected.”

  I laugh, “You've been rejected…a lot?”

  She nods and silently counts on her fingers, “Four times. Being gay can be hard. Never can be sure who else is gay, you know?”

  I laugh wryly, “As this situation shows us.”

  She grimaces and nods, “I've liked…lots of straight girls. So, yeah. I’ve been where you are.”

  “What a wonderful thing to look forward to.”

  She pats me on the shoulder, “Well, I'll be here for you if it happens again.”

  “Hey…thank you, J.J.”

  She laughs wryly, “For what, being completely wrong about Kara? Pushing you to realize your unrequited feelings for her? I basically sent you down a path to feeling like crap.”

  I chuckle, “You're right. That all sucks . But…you and Ashley helped me realize I was gay. Even though I got rejected I feel like…a more complete person ever since I realized. I can tell this is right. That this is who I am.”

  She knits her eyebrows and looks away from me with her hand over her mouth, “Shit. Y-you're gonna make me cry if you keep saying things like that.”

  I laugh, “Well, join the club. Anyway, who knows how long it would have taken me to figure it out otherwise.”

  She laughs, “Maybe once you were married with three kids in the suburbs and you had the hots for your daughter's jacked P.E. teacher.”

  I hit her with my pillow, and then we laugh hysterically. It leaves me feeling much better than I did before.

  If nothing else, this whole thing made me a lot closer to J.J.

  You know what?

  She's an Alphabet Girl after all.

  I'm more than a little annoyed the next morning when I have a text from Kay asking if we can talk. I told her to give me a day or two, and I'm very surprised that she isn’t giving that to me. She's normally such a considerate person.

  But ultimately, I couldn't say no to her. She texted me at 3 a.m., which tells me she was up late thinking about things. And she said it was important.

  I realized I also have a few things I'd like to ask her about, so it’s fine.

  Some small part of me is hoping she had a gay awakening in her dreams, but I'm mostly ignoring that irrational thought.

  She comes to my room around noon, and is more than a little awkward. She goes to sit on the bed next to me, but aborts part way and sits down at my desk.

  “S-so um…J.J. apologized to me last night.”

  “Huh? Apologized for what?”

  “She said…for assuming I was gay. She said you told her I was straight?”

  I'm a little stunned that this is where we are starting.

  “Um…yep. Because you said you are.”

  “No, I didn't.”

  “Yeah, you did.”

  “No, I didn't.”

  “ Yes , you did. ”

  “No, I didn't.”

  My temper boils over, “Yes you freaking did! What's the point in all this?”

  She bows her head and shrinks into her chair, making me feel bad.

  I sigh, “Sorry, Kay. I'm…a little on edge. Just…what are you trying to say?”

  “W-will you keep it a secret? No one knows. No one.”

  I'm so lost right now. But I would never tell anyone her secret. Whatever it is.

  “Yes, I'll keep it a secret.”

  She frowns and runs her hand through her hair, “I'm…messed up.”

  “Messed…up?”

  She nods and looks down at her hands with more than a little shame on her face, “I've never felt…attracted to someone. Like…physically. I don't think about any of that stuff. Dating, kissing…” She trails off and whispers, “…m-m-making love. It's like…a language I don't understand.”

  I feel utterly confused. I think back to what she said yesterday. It's a moment in time I can recall quite easily because of the emotional impact it had on me. I close my eyes and hear her say:

  “I-I'm so sorry Em. I'm not…I d-don't dat-”

  I open my eyes, “So yesterday, you weren't going to say you don't date girls .”

  She nods, “Just that I don't date . So…I'm not straight. But I'm not gay either. I'm not…anything. I'm just…a freak.” She slumps in the chair, “Just looking like a freak wasn't enough…”

  She's so upset. Maybe it will weird her out, but I have to comfort her. Like I always have.

  I get up off the bed and walk over to her. I put my hands on her shoulders and look her in her eyes.

  “You're not a freak, Kay. You're you . And if this is how you feel, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Because you’re the most amazing person I know.”

  Her lip quivers and then she stands up and hugs me tightly. Given my newfound attraction to her, I feel a little embarrassed to have our bodies this smooshed together, but I hug her back anyway.

  She sniffles, “I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this part of me. I should have. If I did, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

  “It's okay. I can see that it is really hard for you to share.” As we continue to hug, I realize there's something I want to know. So I ask, “Can I um…talk to you about something?”

  She breaks the hug and says, “About what?”

  “J-just…about um…us, I guess.”

  She nods and sits back down. I stay standing in front of her, “So um…we probably need to stop being so…physical.”

  “Physical?”

  “Yeah like…holding hands, snuggling, sleeping together, long hugs…like that one.”

  She looks crestfallen, “W-we have to stop?”

  “Yeah. It's just…that's relationship stuff for people our age. And now that I have feelings for you…”

  She wrings her hands together, looking very dejected, “O-okay.”

  I don't understand her. At all. Didn't she just say she doesn't get this sort of thing? Why does she seem so disappointed?

  I scratch my head, “Can I ask you something?”

  She nods.

  “You like doing all those things with me?”

  She nods again, “Like I said last night…snuggling with you is my favorite thing. B-but if it's better to stop, we can.”

  “How do you feel when we do those things?”

  She smiles softly and looks off to the side, “Happy. Like…a warm feeling in my chest. Like…it's just the two of us.”

  I can't help but smile, “Really?”

  She nods confidently.

  “That's…how I feel. Well, these days there's also a rapid heartbeat and a strong desire to kiss you.”

  Kay blushes and looks away, “O-oh.”

  I laugh, “Sorry. So…you'd say that us doing those things is special to you? Like…something only we do?”

  She nods, “Of course.”

  “Huh. Interesting.”

  I sit down on my bed and think for a moment.

  I guess I didn't completely misread things. Neither did Ashley or J.J. I think she DOES like me. Just…in her own way.

  This might be a really bad idea, but…

  “I-if…cuddling with me and stuff is special to you…I think I want to keep doing it. It's special to me too.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Well…yeah. Even if you don't feel…attraction the same way I do, it sounds like we feel the same about each other apart from that. You think it's something intimate and special between us, right?”

  She nods, “I've never wanted to do it with anyone else. And I don't want to do it with anyone else.” Her face turns bright red and she looks away, "But…won't you want…m-more?”

  “I don't know. It's possible. But I won’t do anything you don't want me to. I won’t ever do something again without asking you about it first. L-like…how I kissed you last night.”

  “Won’t this…be really hard on you?”

  I hesitate for a moment, “I don’t know. I-if it gets too hard for me we'll stop. And if you're ever uncomfortable we'll stop. I just…I want to be closer with you…in whatever way you are comfortable.”

  “Closer?”

  “Yeah just…maybe we can try to keep on doing the stuff you are comfortable with. Just…a little more often? And maybe…spend a little more time together?”

  She smiles, “I'd like that. That sounds really good to me. I trust you more than anyone so…I know you'll respect my boundaries.”

  I smile back, “O-okay. How about we um…do your favorite thing right now?”

  I lay down on my bed and Kay laughs and then comes and lies down next to me. I roll over and she puts her arms around me so that our bodies are up against one another.

  My heart begins its usual dance.

  My instinct now is to do…other less wholesome physical stuff with her when we get this close.

  But I also really like this. And she's still showing me affection. And I know how much she cares about me.

  And that's what matters the most to me.