And it's quite hard to live a life without hope.

  Riding the train until the end

  Knowing without a doubt

  You will crash.

  Never mind the keys I clutch until I bleed

  And the tears I hold back

  And the fragile control I lash out with in stubborn denial

  I know well

  I know well.

  The moment you leave

  All my life as it is will end.

  There is nothing to be done

  We all know

  We all have known.

  But there is nothing to be done

  The future is so so dim

  I wonder how we live.

  A house and it should be reminded

  Cannot survive on one person.

  Yet it is what it is.

  And all the threads you hold in your hands

  If you leave, where do they go?

  If your hand that wipes away all our tears

  And carries our hearts

  And hides our scars

  The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  If it lets go,

  Who can ever

  Do what you did?

  I don't think about the future.

  I, your daughter who goes crazy over unplanned things

  Flinch away from the mention of the future like it will kill me.

  And it would I think

  I know

  But humans are like that too.

  We buy pens that are going to run out

  And raise pets that are going to leave long before us

  We live in the present like the future isn't ours.

  How else would we survive, mother?

  How else?

  I pray in whispers and darkness

  Never to be said out loud but felt all the same.

  That if someone were to leave

  It isn't you.

  It's selfish, but it's not.

  It's selfless

  But it's not.

  I don't see a life without you

  And I can't ask if they do either

  It's in their eyes, do you know?

  We are all filled with so much dread.

  We all know

  How everything will fall apart the second

  You're not there to tape it together

  With hands or love or words or utterly fierce and desperate tries.

  I think we are too tired to ever be fierce in the right ways.

  The thought hits in all kinds of moments

  In the kitchen when I burn my food

  In the bathroom when the washing machine is beyond me

  On the dinner table when I see all our threads delicately held in a frail hand

  In my room when I stop and close my eyes

  Thinking what the hell

  Are we ever going to do without you?

  You built a family, but you did not

  You built a house, but you did not

  You saved what you could but

  You could not.

  I laugh out loud in disbelief

  Wondering if those are the people who are going to continue after you.

  I laugh and laugh and think that this train is really going to crash.

  But we live on

  Yes we live on

  Nothing much to be done.

  I'll hide in your arms and wait for the crash

  I hope it has any kindness you had.