I wake up this morning and this night

  And I close my eyes with the weight of my lies.

  Just another week just another year

  Just another success, just another gain.

  I wake up and I question with blurry hands

  If anything I ever touched was worth the searing pain.

  Look at the girl how she shines

  Manner in her words a gentleness in her smile

  Did you see her grades? Did you see her talents?

  One look at her eyes and you can imagine

  How she opens the windows for birds in the sky

  And drinks her tea on a picnic with starry eyes

  Laughter and kindness and so much good.

  Look at the girl how she shines

  Never would imagine she's waiting for the end of time.

  Look at the girl look at the girl

  I'm begging someone to look at the girl.

  Another year ends and a flashy paper proves

  A passing of time, a breath finally in use.

  Here's an end Here's a smile

  Nothing fits and I wonder why.

  Thank you thank you thank you I repeat with shine

  Help me help me help me I whisper at nights.

  What is wrong with me?

  What is so fundamentally wrong that I can't live up

  To any guise or any love

  The paper proves it and so do my tears

  What do they prove? Can you tell me if you see?

  I'm thankful for all the light I see

  So so thankful sometimes I wonder if I should cease

  Just enter a door and close it behind

  Just be what they see and stop my tries.

  So so thankful I wonder if I am

  Because I'm grateful and loving and greedy and needy

  I can't live without the paper or the flashy words

  Greedy greedy greedy

  When does it ever stop?

  Can't imagine there's a well I'll deem fit to end my thirst

  Parched so parched even in the moment of success.

  I might have got the shine but what about the colour?

  What about the next?

  What about that delicate shade of everything I only see in them?

  My clothes are too dark

  And my heart too light

  My eyes too bright

  And my smile too dim.

  The shades don't match they don't fit

  Maybe another paper will fix all this is.

  I laugh with my heart and smile

  Then it suddenly drops, and I have to put up the facade of time

  Pinched eyes pinched expression

  Still laughing just wondering if I'm too much of a vision.

  The shine only works if you see it reflected

  Off a wall or a table or a thousand footsteps

  The paper only works if you see it on the wall

  Hung and pristine and dried from all

  Tears and sweat and blood

  Breaths and worth and love.

  I think to myself with a quiet belief

  I'm only pretty if I'm not seen.

  The laugh should be moderate and the words should be weighed

  My hand movements careful and my whole being safe

  I should keep the distance keep the footsteps

  If anyone starts walking

  I should start running.

  It hits me at all times that I can never prepare.

  Every time my hand lingers enough to leave a trail

  Or my feet jump too high they cross the veil

  Every time someone looks and I swallow back fears

  They are looking they are looking

  Should be careful what they see.

  I silence it with all kinds of silence hidden

  Lighten my fingers like a dancer in mirth

  And stick my feet to the ground like it's pride

  I silence it, I silence everything.

  I take every part of me and make sure it knows

  You'll only ever be loved in your silence

  Never in your words.

  The hurt hits my body before I can swallow it.

  My heart pounds and my skin crawls

  Yes, this familiar feeling

  Yes, I've been hurt again.

  The silence is oppressive it scratches at my throat

  But letting out any sound would be akin to a dying wail

  My laughs hurt my hands hurt

  A scream would only damn me to hell.

  I've been hurt again, but it happens.

  So I'll ignore the sudden darkness in my vision

  And the tense weight on my limbs

  Again again again

  Why does it happen every time?

  I was hungry now I'm not.

  Wish my heart would stop leaking blood

  How much longer can I live on my own blood?

  How much longer can I take the water of my tears and the flesh of my heart?

  I close the curtains, close the door

  Know in my quickened breaths it won't wait much more.

  Lock the door, have to be sure

  Not a sound and not a word.

  I tie my eyes and I shut my mouth

  Bite my lips so hard it draws blood

  My mouth is closed my mouth is closed

  Can't breathe but so can't my words.

  I've been hurt again, my heart says in a small voice.

  Yes yes again and again I answer with clenched eyes.

  Where is your hate where is your loathing

  Where is anything I can protect my own with?

  Is it only me you wake your demons for?

  Is it only ever me that deserves your rage?

  You tell me to hide

  I ask where

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  You tell me to stop

  I ask where

  You tell me to stop and hide and silence everything.

  I choke and choke and choke

  And wonder if this fixes anything.

  Do I stop being hurt if I disappear?

  Do I never hurt if I never am?

  Is this what you want

  Is this what I need?

  Heart heart heart

  Why is it only me?

  I wrap myself in chains and think of delicate ribbons

  Those for shiny papers and this for a haggard body.

  I pull the chains and tighten my cage

  Is this enough to stop the pain?

  My head falls forward and only they keep me afloat

  Is this enough to protect my soul?

  People walk ahead or above

  They spare me a glance and never stop

  Some yank at the chains some caress like a friend

  Choking sobbing fearing

  Why do both feel the same to my battered everything?

  I cradle words of love with a careful defeat.

  They can destroy me they can sweep me off my feet

  I only put them in the soft delicate parts of my being.

  I don't want them, but I do.

  I don't want them in me, but I do.

  I need them I need them I need them

  My greed can't ever let go.

  I just want them falling from a tree.

  I want them coming from the earth

  I want them beneath my feet

  If I look from a window, I wish the sky would cease

  No stars and no suns and no moons

  Just grounds and dirt and everything in between.

  If I lower myself to touch, I can feel

  If I crouch there in that garden and dance over the petals, I can feel

  In my hands and heart and the safe breath I keep

  If I hold myself carefully and stand after I lean

  Then I can keep

  I can keep.

  The sky is wide the sky is high

  If I look up I might never try.

  It's better to flutter and float

  Over the earth like I'm somehow more

  I'm not and never will be

  But if I can appear to the flower a tower

  If I can appear to the love a castle

  Maybe then

  Maybe then, they won't ever tear me away

  From my safe breath my safe haven.

  Look at the girl how light she treads

  Almost like a fairy hear the flowers tell

  She's bright in her smiles and soft in her touch

  She's everything one likens to a sun.

  Look at the girl how light she treads

  If she's a fairy maybe she won't be left

  Honey in her smiles and on her fingertips

  Would the flowers still sing to herself?

  She's everything one likens to a sun

  Always there, waiting to be loved.

  The glass breaks, and I watch it with dull eyes.

  Only just a spike of despair over the coming nights

  I look at the one who broke it and name the tension in their hands

  Then the one crying on its shards and wonder what their tears say

  I look at the wall if it's still standing

  And the floor if it's still holding

  The threads and the wires and the careful treading.

  I go to step into it all too vacant

  But Oh,

  I can't see the floor anymore

  My blood must have been too livid.

  You can't cry once the glass breaks.

  The years have taught us to be sane

  You wait and observe

  What if the one who broke it needs help?

  Or the one who sweeps it

  Or the one who hides it

  Or or or

  You should wait before crying.

  A little blood never hurt anyone.

  After it's hidden, look carefully at the threads

  Are they still tied? Are the wires still intact?

  Go to the one crying their heart out

  Soothe with words and wait for the inevitable sobs

  Blubbering with words, you learned to nod.

  Yes, they didn't mean yes the glass was cheap.

  Yes, the floor was strong, yes it must have come too near.

  Yes, they broke it but do you remember?

  They were a child too, don't you dare forget

  How are you going to help if you forget?

  They were a child, they were the glass

  The wires and steps and the fragile mass.

  Shouldn't children be good at remembering

  At holding what the bodies weighed by years can't?

  Do your role, child do your role.

  Listen to the sobs and clean the blood and remember

  Nobody is ever wrong.

  What's the point of feeling when you are needed to act?

  You can't wait for the walls to fall

  You can't be busy in sobs

  You stand and you walk and you run

  And you nod and you agree and you remember

  And only when night comes and you fall in bed voided

  Only then can you cry, only then you can let it go.

  You can listen to your brain list all the reasons you should go

  You can watch the movie repeat

  And question how better could you have been meek.

  You can you can you can

  You can learn how people go insane.

  Look at the girl so bright in her being

  But why is she always so quiet why is she always so serene

  The birds are singing and the world is like a scream

  Look at the girl, why isn't she here?

  The days will pass they will pass

  You'll learn to hate you'll learn to blame

  You'll cry and beg at the feet of those who break

  And ask them what to do with your despair.

  You'll hate so much you'll throw it up with choking air

  You'll blame so much you'll take a blade

  But the days will pass again

  And you'll remember how people go insane.

  The hate will quieten and the cries will silence

  You'll take the blade and put it in your heart and be done with.

  No more hate no more begging

  You'll only blink and continue remembering.

  The voices will ask after they calmed

  The storm will whisper after closing its eye

  What's wrong?

  You didn't break the glass you didn't hide it

  Child, What's wrong?

  You only blink

  Swallow the words swallow the blood

  The blade is in your heart, it's yours to keep.

  Just this and that you choke out

  The papers are hard to get the shine is impossible to find

  They will titter they will grumble

  All in fondness and you will blink

  Everything about them tells you of their pride.

  Look how good you remembered

  Look how good you survived.

  Don't be so weak thrown with a sharp voice

  So self-centered when none of the center touched your heart.

  Don't be like this, how are you going to survive in the world?

  We asked you to remember we asked you to choke

  When did we ever ask you to cry?

  It's not a big deal why are you staring with wide eyes?

  Have you not seen conflict have you not seen fights

  Staring at the ground and the walls

  Is this how you're going to be out in the world?

  The storm the storm the storm

  It closes its eye and covets the broken homes in its trail

  The storm the storm the storm

  It closes its eyes and forgets

  Why people born in the storm can't.

  Remember remember you have to remember

  Just because the walls didn't break this time

  Doesn’t mean you're safe

  Just because the storm closed its eyes

  Doesn’t mean

  You're not an eye of a storm yourself.

  Step on wires but don't name them

  Tie them carefully but never tell

  Comfort that and soothe this

  And never ever speak a word of it.

  Step on harsh grounds and avoid traps

  Think and think and think before moving

  Flinch when silent flinch when talking

  Watch and remember and wait for the obvious

  Nobody is wrong except you

  Nobody is wrong except you.

  And when you brave the world out of your rain

  Look at love given with a smile and don't show a thing.

  The tremble in your hands and the jagged walls you built

  Take the love and give it back

  Smile and covet and have

  Never ever

  Leave a space for your despair.

  If you are an eye of a storm

  The least you could do is save them your rain.

  Look at the girl how loved she is

  Accepts it with grace accepts it with mirth

  Look at the girl and her wish

  Please may anyone never see me like this

  Look at the girl

  She'd rather be right than ever loved.

  When you brave the world

  Try to forget.

  Don't look at the girl she's too bright

  She can't rest if she's in your eyes

  Don't look at the girl she's too broken

  She wishes to be loved from a high

  Don't look at the girl don't try

  Can't you see? Her threads can only be so tight

  Leave the chains and let her gasp and heave

  The girl only ever wanted to be.

  But she has learnt she has learnt

  Why people go insane.

  Get a bird and chain it to the ground

  Show your disappointment every time it looks up.

  Tell the bird to not be astray

  Life is earth, life is on grounds.

  Tell the bird ignore your heart

  Ignore the ache ignore the hurt

  Tie your wings until they cramp

  Shut your eyes until they bleed.

  Even if everything in you says you are from the clouds

  Whisper under your breath that you are from here.

  Wait for the pride wait for the nods

  Tighten the chains and smile and nod

  Little bird, you are only ever loved on earth.

  Remember remember you have to remember

  People go insane when their love is always something to dismember

  Wrong wrong wrong

  What part of me which heart

  What flesh do I cut so I fit

  So I love?

  Little girl

  Little child

  Protect your heart

  Protect your heart.