Yeju

  Being back home has never felt so depressing.

  I expected the mood in the house to sour after my parents’ separation, but this gloominess has nothing to do with their divorce. It’s funny how that—and the rest of the drama that transpired st summer—used to infect every part of my mind but is now the furthest from it.

  Instead, all I can think of is Lia. And how we are probably on a break. Maybe. We didn’t talk about it, not really.

  To be fair, we didn’t have the time. After I called Mom and briefly described the situation to her, she convinced me to come back home. Well, ‘convince’ is a kind way to put it—she essentially forced me to come back by booking a red-eye flight for me for that night. I don’t even want to know how expensive the st-minute ticket was. I spent my st afternoon in the apartment packing while Lia slept in her room.

  And now, I am back in my childhood bedroom, jet-gged and exhausted.

  Colpsing on my bed, I stare up at the ceiling. It’s so different from the ceiling in Lia’s room. Without the soft glow from the fairy lights, everything looks… harsher. Grimmer. I never realized ceilings can be this different.

  A yawn brings tears to my eyes. It’s almost afternoon for me but still early morning for Lia. I wonder if she is awake. She is usually an early riser.

  I roll onto my side. Sleep calls for me, but I have to ignore it. I have to write my thesis. After all, that’s the whole point of being here—to be in a familiar, quiet location away from any drama so I can finish my st task as a Ph.D. student as soon as possible.

  But I guess physically being away from the apartment does not take my mind off Lia and everything that happened between us. My mind whirs again, and I pnt my face into my pillow.

  I thought our retionship was going great, but it turns out it… wasn’t. Lia was hiding her frustrations, hiding all the things I’d done that she hated. Why didn’t she tell me how she felt? Am I so unapproachable? Well, yeah, I am a rather unapproachable person but not towards Lia. Not really…

  I groan. Am I that much of a failure at retionships?

  My phone buzzes. It’s Yuna, apologizing for Gabby’s slip-up yesterday. I let out a huff of annoyance. I should’ve known—of course Yuna would tell her best friends about her ex’s new girlfriend, and of course Gabby would spill about it. No secrets st, especially not with that trio of friends.

  As I swipe away from her message, my eyes are drawn toward Lia’s message thread below Yuna’s. The picture next to her name still makes me smile. A few weeks ago, she took a selfie and set it as her contact photo on my phone. In the photo, her eyes are crossed and her cheeks are puffed with air. She must have thought it was ugly and that I would switch it out after seeing it, but I refused to change it. It is the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

  And my heart aches when looking at it.

  I click on our message thread. Her st text to me is to wish me a safe flight. My hand tightens around my phone. It has only been a few hours, and I miss her so much already.

  I miss her voice. I miss being around her. I miss cooking for her and seeing her face light up at every bite. I miss how she feels snuggled up in my arms. I miss the scent of her bed.

  And… I miss having sex. Not that it’s my biggest gripe, but even when my past retionships were blowing up, we still had sex regurly. Either angry sex, or just going through the motions, no-strings-attached sex. It doesn’t seem to work like that with Lia though, and my being away does not help too.

  Dread settles in my stomach. Oh gosh, did I make the wrong decision coming home? Did I doom our retionship with this? What should I have done? What can I do now? I want to text her or call her, but I’m scared. I’m scared of screwing things up more. Of doing anything stupid. I don’t want to lose her.

  I recall the times spent with Lia: doing chores at home, watching shows together, working in the b side-by-side… Then, I remember how I tried so hard to chase her away at the start, and I cannot help but groan at myself again. Why am I like this?

  Scrolling through my phone, I see a contact I have not spoken to in months. The name ‘Tinder Girl’. Ah, Karina. There are a few unread messages from her. I make the mistake of clicking on them.

  Karina: Are you fucking serious, Yeju? You’re ignoring me? We hooked up TWO days in a row, and now you’re ghosting me? Is it because of your ‘apartment mate’? I knew you were lying when you said there’s nothing between you two. Seriously, fuck you, Yeju. If you’re like this to everyone you’re with, it’s no wonder you can’t make a retionship st.

  I blink at the unexpected vitriol. Well, it was expected, to be honest. I did sort of forget about her existence.

  And this is not the best time to be discovering this block of insult. That st line of the text is an especially hard punch to my gut. I bury my face in my pillow again.

  I can’t do retionships, and I can’t do hookups. I am an utter failure in every aspect of love.

  “Ju-Zi!”

  Mom’s voice jolts me off from my thoughts. My phone slips out of my hand and I have to grab at it a few times to stop it from sliding down the bed.

  “Mom!” I yell at her. “Come on!”

  “I’m just checking in on you.” Mom pokes her head into my room and gnces around. My luggage is strewn over the floor, while my table is sprawled with notes. “Tsk, tsk, so messy already. Did you sleep at all?”

  “I can’t. I have a tight deadline, Mom.”

  ”I know, I know. But hey, that’s why you’re back home.” She winks at me. “Just focus on writing, and I’ll take care of everything else. By the way, I’m going to the office for a bit now, but I’ll buy something back for lunch.”

  “Oh, thank you.”

  “Don’t push yourself too hard!” she says before closing the door.

  I look at my phone again and let out a strangled yelp at the screen.

  Call ended — Lia.

  Crap, I must have called Lia while I was fumbling with my phone! Before I can worry about it, she messages me.

  Lia: Hey, you called?

  My cheeks warm, and I am gd no one is here to see it.

  Yeju: Yeah, by accident. Sorry, I hope I didn’t wake you up?

  Lia: Nah, I was getting up anyway.

  I stare at the phone as my fingers hover above the keyboard. I wonder if Lia is also staring at her phone like this. I wonder if she is also thinking about what to say next.

  Finally, I pluck up my courage.

  Yeju: Hey, I miss you.

  A small pause.

  Lia: I miss you too. How’s your thesis coming along?

  Yeju: It’s alright. I tried to write earlier, but I’m so tired from the flight.

  Lia: Don’t push yourself too hard!

  I chuckle. Why is she talking like my mother?

  Yeju: I’ll survive.

  Lia: You have to. You promised to come back, didn’t you?

  My smile widens.

  We text for the next thirty minutes until Lia leaves for css.