I knew very well this wasn’t a dream. After all, I was not dumb enough to create something so insane all by myself. And if I was, there would be a lot more girls anyway.

  There’s no point to middle-age retarded dudes fighting themselves for no reason. Girl, contrariwise, with some oil, a good stage, and bare-hand wrestling…

  The fact is, why, even when I already knew it all, did they need to remind me of it? I was fine. I would have finished the day and spent the following ones taking care of Lily, cuddling a little to make amends for this morning's crisis. I would’ve cooked delicious meals and slowly carried her back to the city.

  It might as well have ended with a midnight bath in the near future, helping Lily clean her body while engraving my memory with some useful material.

  They had to slam me back to reality! Unforgivable!

  BANG! “Hand Up! Stay stil–”“EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekK!!!!!!”

  Lately, people have no manners. Can’t they just wait before entering into action? Lily, true to herself, was always in a bad position (yet she does show the best of her body, so I forgave her.), and furthermore, they usually stared at her, totally ignoring me like I was air.

  …

  Just a moment ago, we finally finished our morning routine in the late afternoon. After the little scare we had, my first action was to relocate us from our initial position, as far as Lily state allowed it, deeper in the forest. The trolls remain? I quickly took care of them and picked up the subjugation evidence, their mana crystal. It was too bad for the valuable part, but I had no time to lose.

  I was careful not to leave obvious traces, which proved particularly difficult with the combined weight of two people. I chose a good hiding spot for ourselves, where I would be able to monitor the surroundings. After all, I didn’t know who these freaks were nor what they were doing, but I was well aware of the possible reasons, and nothing good could come out of them.

  It appears I was right again.

  After a few hours of princess-carry walking at a good pace, Lily’s condition did not improve at all. I Installed Lily comfortably on our sleeping bags, letting her attend to her bodily injury.

  The snack-time-almost-dinner duty was on me, and I went to work. Delicious berries I found not far from the idiots' corps before setting out and some beef jerky decorated with hard bread… I couldn’t do much. I had not hunted anything since 2 days ago, and troll meat doesn’t taste good, even cooked.

  Maybe I would’ve tried to find something better later. It would’ve been nice to have a lovely ‘diner aux chandelles’ between Lily and me, and this should’ve increased the chance of midnight baths. Not today, of course, she was not in condition, but soon enough...

  I believe a lake was nearby, and that was clearly an opportunity not to be missed. Not that she would refuse if I asked her, but if I did, she would take it as an advance, and I couldn’t let it happen.

  No, I wanted her to make the suggestion by herself like she did this morning. She was rather shy and cute when it came to showing herself in embarrassing situations.

  BUT THIS DAMN BRUTE MESSED UP EVERYTHING!

  The bang sound wasn’t from an explosion or anything like that. But from a common magic item used to signal your position. The voice came from a man, who was likely another villain.

  Its owner was holding us at gunpoint with a loaded crossbow and successfully managed not to flinch despite Lily’s scream, unlike the closer me, who dropped everything on hand and nearly suffered a heart attack.

  I wish she would have kept it silent or made it a little louder. I could have made use of the latter to make a move, and in the former case, she wouldn’t have broken my eardrums.

  …

  After a long scream, worthy of the greatest opera singers, well, in length at least, followed by a necessary short period to recover our hearing. The man finally resumed speaking as if nothing had happened and told us his daily life as he would’ve to an old friend.

  “I was lurk-roaming around in the forest for personal matters and took a nap waiting for my prey. What wasn’t my surprise when I was awakened in the middle of my dream by the gentle voice of a girl who wasn’t part of it?

  I was having a really good tim–ahem, a good rest, ya know. I was so frustrated at first. Moreover, you were all lovey-dovey.

  A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  I said to myself, ‘No matter who, they will pay the price. All loving couples should die!! Especially good-looking ones’!.”

  You were totally having a wet dream, weren't you? And to kill someone just as he shows affection to others in front of you, quite overreacts, even for a jealous one, don’t you think? Go get yourself a proper job and a chick instead of napping in the middle of nowhere if you’re feeling alone.

  “Then I waited for the perfect occasion when you would’ve taken action and eaten each other. But you've made me wait long enough! ”

  Hey! Don't drag me into this! I haven't even fixed myself on the matter yet.

  “Aw… but we’re not that close.” Blush “I mean, I wouldn’t mind, but he does…”

  Lily, who had just managed to calm down and catch her breath, didn’t even wait to recover from her lung pain before engaging in the conversation. She didn’t seem to mind the situation anymore and responded like she was speaking to her bestie.

  Am I the only one worried?

  “Shut up! I almost killed you to prevent this; do not make me regret my choice! You’re lucky I heard the boss’s crazy looking for adventurers wandering around. That’s you, right? You totally look like adventurers.”

  “We are not adventurers, but just a simple and loving newly married couple on honeymoon who lost their way. Isn’t that right, my dear? I have proof of it. I can show you the certificate.”

  “As if I would believe you, and you better not. Otherwise, I would claim both of your lives. Unless you really don’t like her much and allow me to take your place to save your ass. I only wait cuz I don’t know what’s about you and why the boss wants you.”

  tsk tsk, if only… Had you shot me, I would have definitely eliminated you instead. But you have to be clever for once.

  “That’s my lucky day! You were not my original target, but that’s not too bad, either. Because the view is pleasant, I grant you forgiveness for disturbing my sleep hehe. Till the boss’s here, don’t move… Unless you want the slut over here to take an arrow in the heart.”

  Yup, anyway. We were finally resting and chatting a bit while trading some teasing jokes as usual, but it appeared my hiding spot was already occupied by a sleeping virgin perverted thug, and it ended up being our own trap.

  Hope this will not be our grave, too.

  In this situation, Lily was completely defenseless. Still tired and hurt, she was taking care of her lower body’s injuries. Half naked and without a spoon within reach, she couldn’t repeat her morning shouting feat. Moreover, I was too far to ensure her safety, and I was not in a position to defend her from an arrow. There was no way out. How lucky!

  The man was staying at a good distance out of my range of action but close enough so he could take aim with a crossbow without difficulty. His focus was on Lily, the easy and unmissable target. I was unable to do anything about it.

  He was partially hidden behind some stone and bush. It's no wonder I only found out about his existence just now, but I should really question myself at this point. It seems obvious that sleeping enemies are my Achilles heel.

  This one sure was a bit odd. He didn’t mess up from the start, nor did he kill himself. He did stare at Lily's lower body blatantly, however.

  But he could still control his lust and didn’t make a dumb move like, IDK, taking her hostage and asking me kindly to go away for a moment? That was a first. I started to believe that low IQ was the norm for thugs in this part of the country.

  Well, I hope he is the exception to the rule. I guess I could get by as long as his teammates are the same as those imbeciles we have met so far.

  Yet, something made me think otherwise.

  He said something about a boss and us being wanted. Were the guys from before scouts? Were they all part of a big group hunting us because we killed a few?

  Even so, the guild should suspect something if a gathering of the sort existed, but I saw no notice whatsoever. They should make a low profile, and they wouldn’t hazard a chance to blow their cover by hunting us randomly or using a flare.

  The most frustrating thing was that I clearly knew he was drooling from Lily’s intoxicating body sight. And one, I couldn’t do anything; two, I couldn’t look at it myself! That would have been infinitely better than fixing a monkey with a boner and a dangerous crossbow.

  That is to say, we waited patiently, and at some point, I was allowed to sit far from Lily and eat the food I had prepared. I even received permission to throw something at her so she could sustain herself too.

  A half-naked Lily who was ordered to stay as she was. To ensure her hand stays idle and she doesn’t have any secret weapons. Said the man… You just wanted to enjoy the view even more, admit it! Pff, not fair. Why'd you let me alone with my imagination?!!

  For a while, I was tempted to try my luck against the situation, but I really didn’t want to put Lily in any more danger, and with the previous burst of light in the sky, I couldn’t dream about escaping anymore.

  I’d better wait to see what they wanted from us, and should they try to kill us, I would definitely get out of this, leaving Lily behind. They wouldn’t dare to kill her, right?

  If only I wasn’t penniless!! I would be able to offer them an arrangement at least!

  Anyway, giving up all hope. I looked at those damn bandits we were waiting for. I could already see the one who was likely the boss exit the tree cover with a certain number of mobs at his sides.

  They looked like typical bandits you could find anywhere… or not, most likely, you would find only here. They were in league with multiple retards and one poet, after all.

  But hey, that's a fine gathering you had there. Sorry? How many felons do you need to take care of a pair of adventurers? How did you prevent the guild from finding out about you? Even my blind grandmother would be aware if an army was hiding in the forest near her house. There is something fishy about them, and they were definitely not your mere bandits.

  I was starting to wonder if Lily was not bearing misfortune. Either she or me, in fact, that was probably my fault, but why was this happening now? Couldn’t you wait until I had my moonshine bath with Lily?