Once upon a time in the year 3086 there was a planet called Sifillis, and on this planet there was a foamy yellow ocean called the Wormspotz Ocean, and in this foamy yellow ocean was a strange and mysterious musky jungle island that had never been named. It is on this island that we join our friends Soda and Chunks, who are on a feces, er, species-collecting and map-making expedition with their friend, scientist and scholar B.M. Foulfinger the Educated Emancipated Finger. Foulfinger had recently been named the Royal Discoverer for Bonertania by the Tremorroid Titiana, the ruler of the country. This was in addition to his already in-place duties of being the Royal Scientific Advisor and Secretary of Education, as well as being the dean of Foulfinger University in Schling Quadrant.

  Foulfinger- who had two long skinny arms, big hands with white gloves, and a bunch of writhing tentacles at his bottom point- lived with his super best friend Dr. Lubricious Slugg on campus in an apartment behind the nail of the finger-shaped main building of the university. Also living with them was an affable Spij?kenian nekroklown named Poo-gofferson and a stinkingo (a diseased-looking, mostly featherless, B.O.-ridden bird-class yokai, about three Sifillis feet tall) named Qrt Vogelkot who slept in a nest on the fire escape. The four of them had adopted a small Krapaterian orphan named Tiny Tirdly and took turns watching him when the others went on adventures.

  You probably remember Soda Olheiser the Fortunate (formerly Soda Olheiser the Cursed). She’s a skinny, bespectacled tween from Schling Quadrant who loves movies and adventuring. Soda lives at the Schmahoning II Drive-In Theater just outside of Schmegma City with her her uncle Karl the Silent One, the Spork Armadillo (a golem sculpted from Spork, which is a popular tinned meat-flavored product), and her aforementioned best friend Chunks, who is a multi-colored golem constructed from the mismatched chunks of dozens of various humanoids and yokai. Soda’s standard outfit is all black clothes, which matched her hair, eyes, and thick glasses and contrasted with her bone white skin. Chunks’ sea faring look was a navy blue jumpsuit with gold trim and fun fringed epaulets.

  When Dean B.M. Foulfinger invited Soda and Chunks to join the crew of his next expedition they knew they would miss the drive-in (plus they were seven movie into watching all nine feature film motion pictures by Vector the Prosthetic Appendix on the big screen and were itching to finish the box set). But they had never traveled by sea before and were always up for a trip with friends- that’s when Soda got most of the ideas for the feature film motion picture scripts that she filled up notebooks with. So she and Chunks took the independent digit up on his offer.

  The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

  Foulfinger had designed and built a rather large ship in the shape of a woodpecker and dubbed it the Seapecker. He was captain and for this trip the crew consisted of Soda (videographer), Vogelkot (look out), Dr. Slugg (cook), and Chunks (everything else). Dr. Slugg was a man-size slug with arms who had gained his size and intelligence from a puddle of thaumaturgic gunge.

  Right now the Seapecker was anchored a little ways off a sandy brown shore. Foulfinger had determined that the “sand” was in fact teeny tinny hardened jackalope poops. The team had paddled over to the island with a jolly boat and had been exploring. Foulfinger was always on the lookout for a new specimen of flora or fauna to collect and our friends had stumbled across a doozy: An enormous sentient clump of curly black hair, about the size of three mammoths. They’re usually heard of in old Farshtunkener myths and legends. Reportedly they were created when all the hair fell out of all the groins of all the kaijus and thaumaturgically came to life, but we know this isn’t true because many kaijus actually do have surprisingly hairy groins. An actual sentient clump had never never been seen in the flesh- or hair, as it were.

  But here on the beach, real as the Seapecker, cavorted a gargantuan clump of black curly hair. Her name was Pewbo Bryson and she was greasy and glistened in the sun. Chunks was laughing and doing backflips and somersaults around the massive creature as Soda filmed with a video camera. Vogelkot and Slugg sat on a felled tree and watched the cavorting with mild interest. It was hot and they were ready to get back on the air-conditioned Seapecker.

  “Ahoy!” said Vogelkot. “Here comes BMF. Wonder what he's found now?" As a matter of fact, the Royal Discoverer of Bonertania looked more like a walking window box. Long veiny vines hung from his shoulders and trailed from the pockets of his vest. His noodly arms were crammed with spiked and prickly plants and on his head he balanced a package of stool samples tied up in his coat.

  "What you going to do, start a conservatory?" roared Dr. Slugg as Vogelkot helped Foulfinger set his treasures on the ground.

  "Rare and unusual, all of 'em," said Foulfinger, dropping down beside Dr. Slugg and looking with complete satisfaction at his curious collection.

  Pewbo bounded up to the trio, followed by Soda and Chunks. Pewbo warned:

  "Mind those yellow veiny vines. Those purple flowers in the middle are treacherous, too. They are stumbleweeds. When the lepers who used to live here fought, they would fling these weeds at one another, and I saw them falling about for hours, neither side being able to advance a step or even stand up."

  "Stumbleweeds!" breathed Foulfinger ecstatically. "You don't SAY! Why, these might come in real handy if we ever get in a tight place. What about the yellow veiny vines? Are they fighting plants, too?"

  "They’re creepy creepers. If thrown at a creature, they will creep rapidly after them, catching them no matter how fast they run and tying them up so tight they will not be able to move until the vine withers," explained Pewbo solemnly. "I happen to know from an experience I had with one of these wretched vines in my early youth."

  "Creepy creeping veiny vines!" shivered Dr. Slugg, moving as far away from Foulfinger's collection as possible. "Just keep them away from me, B.M."

  "Oh, they'll be harmless enough when they're potted," answered Foulfinger easily. “Well, time to get back to the Seapecker and move on to the next island.”

  Pewbo lumbered over to Soda and began to whisper eagerly her ear. Soda nodded. During this short conference Foulfinger gathered up his specimens and loaded them onto the jolly boat, and when he had finished the clump edged nervously forward.

  "I know you have to go, and I've possibly decided that I think I probably might want to maybe ask if I could perhaps go with you," she announced in a slightly shaken voice.

  "What?" squawked Vogelkot and Dr. Slugg in unison.

  "What'll you eat?" demanded Dr. Slugg, who was ever more practical than polite. "How'll we ever feed this enormous ball of hair?”

  "I’ll catch my own dinner from the ocean,” answered Pewbo.

  “Piddily-cum-a-zyce,” said Chunks in a sing-song voice, “This place is paradise. Why would you want to leave?”

  “Everyone I know is dead,” answered the clump.

  "Well, why couldn't she go?" proposed Soda, who already had formed a great liking for the colossal hairball.

  “There’s no room!” said Vogelkot and Slugg in unison. Foulfinger sighed.

  “I’m afraid they’re right. I’d love to take along this specimen- er, new friend, but there’s no room on the Seapecker.”

  "We could build her a raft and tow her along after the ‘Pecker,” answered the tween practically.

  So that’s what they did.

  While Pewbo bade goodbye to the crevice where she had been sleeping, Foulfinger, Slugg, Soda, and Chunks felled fleshtrees, split wood, and with nails Vogelkot fetched from the Seapecker fashioned a splendid strong raft for their new friend. Round the edge they built a sturdy railing to keep Pewbo from sliding off in a rough sea. Pewbo had no trouble clambering aboard. After giving her a bit of advice about voyaging, and seeing her comfortably settled, Foulfinger climbed the cable and nimbly pulled himself into the backdoor of his ship, heading for the control room. Vogelkot, Soda and Chunks had already stowed the precious plant specimens in the hold and- rubbing his large gloved hands with brisk satisfaction- the emancipated finger weighed anchor and dropped with the tide to the sea. Then touching the automatic controls, he adjusted his steering gear for a course east by sou'east and strode happily back to the poop deck to join his friends and family. Slugg and Vogelkot were smoking some fragrant roachberries out of a brand new Mukasian plastic bong (Soda was too young and Chunks didn’t breath). The satisfied finger happily joined them.

  ***

  In the 1990s self-proclaimed "World's #1 Sifillitic" B. Manus Shunkwiler produced 286 issues of "Sifillitica Psychotica", an obsessive fanzine dedicated to the Sifillis franchise. There's a zine page at the end of each chapter of every Sifillis Story.