Kobold [Noun]{species}: Kobolds are perhaps the smallest of all lizardfolk breeds, averaging between two and three feet tall. They display pronounced sexual dimorphism with males often sporting brightly colored plumage and scale patterns meant to attract a mate. Kobolds are not considered apex predators and display prey behavior even in modern times. Kobold families tend to be on the large side with tradition stating that no child is given a name before it has lived two years. Modern Kobold families tend to clump together to form clans around the parent couple with male children leaving the clans to find mates. Businesses and land owned by Kobold families therefore tend to follow the maternal lineage.
-Excerpt from “Quinoin’s Encyclopedia of The World”-
“You don’t need to see my id. I’m not legally required to let you see my id. So if you’re going to keep asking for it, I’m going to want your manager over here, right now.”
With effort Joe managed to keep his face in the long practiced neutral setting he called ‘talking with an asshat’. Even with fifteen years of customer service under his belt, it almost cracked. The would-be customer leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest like he’d just made the winning play at a chess game. You know what? Fuck it, Joe thought before nodding.
“Alright sir, I’ll go get her.” Inwardly Joe smiled as he saw the man’s expression flicker for a moment when he realized Joe was going to call his bluff instead of just rolling over and giving him what he wanted. That’s right asshole, your shitty little account’s not worth my job. Joe gave the man a customer service smile before coming around his desk and crossing the lobby. The bank Joe worked at was almost brand new, having been built only four years prior. This meant that every expense had been spared in its construction. From the cheap marble patterned linoleum to the press board cubicle style offices that he worked in. The only thing that showed any real effort was the enclosed glass walls of the manager's office affording them minimal luxury and zero privacy. Joe thought it looked like a fancy terrarium.
On the way to said terrarium he took a moment to adjust the uncomfortable, corporate mandated tie. It was exactly where it needed to be, but the gesture was a familiar one that helped ground him and gave him a moment to compose himself. He’d just spent the last twenty minutes patiently explaining to the turdburgler at his desk that no, it’s not possible to open a bank account in the 21st century without giving any documentation on who you were. That it’s not an invasion of privacy to make it a requirement to photocopy said documents and that no, just because he could get a gift card at the store without ID did not mean that it wasn’t a necessary step to open a bank account.
Joe was almost ninety percent sure that the guy was involved in fraud too. He’d asked about sending money internationally to his girlfriend in Guam and gotten pissed when Joe had explained that it would cost $50 to do so. “I’ll just give her the account number and she can pull the money out there,” the guy had said. Joe had tried to explain to him that doing so would be considered as compromising his account; but the guy just didn’t want to listen. Joe tapped lightly on the glass of his managers terrarium to get her attention. Regina was on the phone and he didn’t want to be loud enough to be heard by whoever she was talking to. Regina Williams may have looked like everyone's sweet old grandma, but she looked out for her employees and didn’t suffer fools lightly. He couldn’t wait to tell her. She glanced up and gave him a ‘one second’ gesture. In turn he shot her a thumbs up and waited. After a minute she set the phone back into its cradle and beckoned him in.
“Hey Joe, what’s up?” she asked as he slipped in and shut the door.
“Oh, there’s a guy in my office who wants to open an account with no ids, social security number, or address. Says it’s an invasion of his privacy and isn’t legally required.” Joe gave her a wry smile as she grimaced.
“And I just bet he wants to speak with a manager?” her tone conveyed that she already knew the answer to that.
“Sorry Regina,” Joe confirmed putting his hands up “he’s just not listening to me. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s hooked into a scam. He says he’s got a girlfriend in Guam whose father was a lawyer who died recently. She needs him to send her money to settle his estate so she can get her inheritance and move here.” Both of Regina's eyebrows went up and she stared Joe dead in the eye.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“‘Fraid not.”
Regina took a deep breath and stood. “Alright, I’ll handle this. Then I have to hop onto an all manager meeting with David. He’s got some ‘big idea’ for next quarter he’s wanting to talk to everyone about.” David was the regional director of the bank. Joe’d only met him once, being too low on the totem pole to be worth talking to. The man had impressed Joe as a ladder climbing snake. The kind of person who’d say anything to wheedle you into doing what they needed, then conveniently forget about you as soon as the credit was being doled out. If he was planning something, it was more than likely going to end with a load of extra work dumped onto everyone else’s plates. That’s a problem for next quarter though Joe thought as he fell in behind his manager.
The man was still in Joe’s office when they got back, swiping away at something on his phone. “You know,” he drawled as they entered, swinging his head up to look at them “I’ve been looking through the constitution while you were gone. There’s nothing in here that says I have to prove who I am to anyone.” Joe resisted the urge to pick the man up bodily and chuck his dumbass through the window behind his desk. That’s because the constitution was ratified in the 1700’s and it’s fucking 200 years old you cock juggling mouth breather. Joe gave the man his best customer service smile, but it was Regina who beat him to the punch.
“Well sir, it may not be a law, but neither is us giving you an account.” The man cocked an eyebrow at this and Regina continued on. “We have a right to refuse service and are not required by law to open an account for you. If you find the bank’s policies unacceptable, then you are free to go to a different financial institution and bank there.” The man’s face actually went red at this. He shot up out of his seat and tried to loom over the much smaller woman.
“This is fucking discrimination.” He shouted down at her, but Regina refused to be cowed. She simply crossed her arms over her chest and waited. When he couldn’t get a response from her he stomped past them and out into the lobby. “I hope you have a good fucking lawyer.” Everyone in the lobby turned to look as the man made his exit. Seeing he had an audience, he pointed back to Joe and Regina. “You all should close your accounts here, they’re discriminating against me and refusing to open an account.” He turned and left the building before anyone could say anything back to him. The people in line looked at each other briefly before going back to whatever they were doing on thier phones.
“Gotta love it when the old white guy starts shouting about being discriminated against.” Joe whispered out of the side of his mouth. Regina just snorted and shook her head before going back to her office. Checking his watch Joe saw it was 11:45. He was supposed to cover the teller lunches from 12 to 2. If he went up there now, they could get started a little early. It also meant that he wouldn’t be at his desk anymore and maybe wouldn’t have to deal with account openings, fraud, fee reversals, fraud, business issues, fraud, notary work, and lastly fraud. He made his way up to the teller count. The rest of Joe’s day actually went by pleasantly quick. If he’d have known it would be his last, he’d have bought everyone lunch.
<><><>
That night Joe closed with the new girl. He was fairly certain her name was Victoria, but names were always hard for him so it took a while to get them down. He locked all the drawers at his desk, making sure to rattle them afterwards to insure they really had locked. Not like a good swift kick wouldn’t just open them anyway he thought as he shut down his computer and stood up. It was one of the reasons why he didn’t keep anything in them overnight. He had a safe box in the vault that could fit his till as well as his notary book so everything went in there at night. Making his way back behind the counter he unlocked his teller station and popped his drawer out. “You about done back there?” he called to Victoria without looking up. She’d taken her till into the vault room to count. There was a little desk back there where a person could sit comfortably while they counted down their till.
“Just about,” she answered from within. “How about you?”
“Just started.” Joe took a moment to arrange his tens so all the heads were pointing the same direction. It wasn’t strictly necessary, but he liked to keep his till tidy. “Give me like, five minutes and we can count each other out.” It actually took roughly ten minutes for Joe to get himself organized. Someone had brought in a mass of crinkled up two dollar bills they’d gotten for their birthday. The well meaning family member had folded all of them into cute little stars. Now released from their origami prison they stuck together like they’d been glued. The two of them were further delayed when the counting machine jammed on the same two dollar bills not once, but twice. It ended up needing to be powered down so Joe could take the backplate off and retrieve the stuck bills. Even with the delays though, they still managed to clock out only seven minutes late.
“Good night” Victoria gave Joe a vague wave as she walked away, not even waiting for him to finish arming the security alarms. Company policy said that she really had to confirm he’d set them and locked the door, but clearly she had somewhere to be. Joe was just too tired to care by that point, so armed the alarm by himself and locked the door. He wasn’t surprised at all to find she’d already left the parking lot by the time he got out to his car.
“Whatever,” he muttered as he dug around for his keys and got in “it’s her first job. Just talk to Regina about it in the morning.” He twisted the key in his old hatchback, and got it to start on the first try. There was just enough time to get to his apartment, change into something more comfortable, and go for his walk.
Back at what Joe nominally called his home his routine was unbroken. Throwing his keys in the bowl by the door, Joe started pulling at his tie. After he’d freed himself from its suffocating embrace he pitched it into a corner of his living room to be shortly followed by both uniform pants and shirt. They were replaced by a pair of black sweatpants, black non branded hat and a light grey hoodie that served as Joe’s walking clothes. He swapped the cheap dress shoes for a pair of worn hiking boots and headed out the door. Today wasn’t as rainy as the previous day, but the ground was still damp from a light shower and smelled of wet grass and asphalt. He spotted the upturned rock along the edge of the path and remembered the golden envelope still sitting on his living room table. Now, in the light of a new day, he felt bad about marking up the document. It was probably worth something to the right people, or at least it would have been. However, the long day he’d had at work, coupled with the gloomy thoughts that had followed him along his walk had made the idea of starting all over again very appealing. He gave the rock a little kick as he passed it, heading out onto the waterfront with all it’s little touristy shops.
It would be nice he thought to himself as he stared into the now closed shop windows. Be my own boss. Get all the interesting bits of living in a fantasy world without the world ending danger and death defying ‘excitement’ of a grand adventure. Leave all that nonsense to the young and insane. Joe let himself slip into a pleasant daydream as his feet wound their familiar path. In his mind he decorated and stocked the perfect shop ending up with something that looked like a candy store but with with magically glowing potions and items. The counter would be a big glass fronted one, like something you’d see in a cafe. Off in one corner I’d put a pair of old boots in a cage. They wouldn’t even have to be enchanted. If anyone asked I’d just ominously say ‘oh don’t worry about them, they’re not getting out again’. Joe was so caught up in his little internal world that he almost stepped right out into traffic only managing to catch himself at the last moment as a semi went by. After that he paid a bit more attention to his surroundings and made it back without incident.
<><><>
Back in Joe’s apartment he kicked off his shoes and went to the kitchen to microwave himself some dinner. The golden envelope on the coffee table caught his eye briefly and he picked it up. He had half a mind to open it and try to figure out how it had done the weird page turning thing. In the end though, he just dropped it on the kitchen counter and got his dinner made.
Once upon a time Joe actually had been a decent enough chef. He wouldn’t have won any awards, but Mary had liked it and that had been enough for him. For longer than he’d care to admit it however, he’d just settled for microwaved dinners that were slowly adding up around his middle. He knew he needed to fix his diet, but just didn’t have the energy most days to try. He wasn’t even sure if he could remember any of his recipes. One thing he had definitely forgotten however, was that it had been exactly twenty four hours since he had signed his name at the bottom of the discharge specialist contract.
If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
Joe was hit by an intense feeling of vertigo that made him lurch to a stop as he passed through his living room. He let himself down onto his sofa as the room began to spin around him. “W-” was as far as he got before his vision was engulfed in a kaleidoscope of colors, followed by an impact that felt like being hit by a truck going both ways. Joe felt himself squeezed between two unimaginably hard surfaces, each moving in opposite directions. Their surfaces felt like they were rasping at his very soul as they crushed his body down into a paste before rolling and extruding it out into a single atom thick line. Just as he thought he was about to lose his mind, he blessedly passed out.
<><><>
How long Joe was out for he was never very sure. When consciousness finally did tap him on the shoulder he was face down on a cold stone floor. Groggily he picked himself up and looked around. He appeared to be in some sort of large room, although it was hard to see as everything was shrouded in darkness. The only light that illuminated the space came through the gaps between wooden shutters in the windows. As his eyes adjusted Joe could start to pick out details around him. He was standing in a brick walled vaulted room that went up two floors judging by the double banks of windows in front of him. Turning slowly he took in the space. It was a roughly twenty foot by thirty foot room with the windows taking up one of the shorter walls. The space was mostly empty, with the only furniture being glass fronted display cabinets pushed up against the two longer brick walls. A long display counter, more like what you would find in a pawn shop than a bakery, stood in front of a wall of absolute darkness. The space behind it was caught in the shadow of the balcony above him. It ran in a horseshoe shape around the walls cradling the open area of the floor below. Its yawning mouth let the onlookers below see all the way up to the rafters where the skeleton of a chandelier could be seen lurking in the darkness.
Joe twisted this way and that, trying to take in everything all at once. Unconsciously he patted his chest to try to brush off any dirt that might have been there from him lying on the floor. The material under his hands felt wrong and he looked down. He wasn’t wearing his hoodie and sweatpants anymore. Instead a tan linen shirt and breeches greeted his eyes. It was the sort of thing someone might wear to a LARP; and Joe had no idea where it came from.
“Erm, hello?” Joe called into the darkness of the space. When there was no reply he moved forward to the counter. Its glass display front was empty, but in the gloom he spotted a little flip up door that gave him access to the space in the shadow of the balcony. This section of the shop was almost impossible to see in. Feeling more than seeing, Joe managed to make it all the way to the back wall only banging into one painfully hard object on the way. There he found another door.
When he opened it, he found that it let out into a little back garden. The area was walled in with more brick walls, these only about six feet tall, with a simple wooden gate at the other end of the garden. Beyond it was the back of another building and what Joe guessed was an alleyway. The moon was full in the sky and by its light he saw two staircases just inside the door. One led down presumably into a basement while the other lead up to the balcony above. Deciding not to brave the spooky unlit basement just yet, Joe went up instead. The second floor was one gigantic open space roughly twenty feet by twenty feet not including the two arms that hugged the walls. A chest high safety railing marked the edges of the opening down to the floor below. With the help of the light from the front windows, Joe could just make out what looked like a modern studio apartment. The look was so uncanny that he instinctively reached out to turn on the lights. His hand slapped a metal plate approximately where a light switch would be and the chandeliers above him sprung to life.
It really did look like a studio apartment. Except it was made by someone who had tried to recreate one out of spare parts left over from a renaissance fair. The chandeliers above were wooden crosses suspended from ropes. Each arm of the cross held a small glass jar that glowed a steady bright white. Joe couldn’t see what it was, but since it didn’t flicker like a candle he assume it was lightbulbs. The counter next to the stairs looked like butcher block with a metal plate at the far end that was about three feet square. Inlaid into its surface were four sets of concentric copper circles with strange runes set in the spaces between them. Joe found a larger version of the circles in what looked to him like an oven set into the counter below the metal plate. Next to this on the counter was a copper bowl with a miniature well pump attached to it. Inside the bowl Joe could see another set of concentric circles and runes hammered into the metal. He picked the bowl up and compared the runes to the ones on the ‘stove’. While some of the symbols looked similar, others didn’t and they were all in different places within the circles.
Setting the bowl down for the moment, Joe turned to survey the rest of the room. It consisted of a large wooden table with seating for eight, a large armoire, and a bed tucked into a corner half hidden behind a set of folding screens. On the table was a leather bag about the size of a football, a set of reading glasses, and a suspiciously familiar golden envelope. “Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.” Joe whispered to himself. Crossing the room he grabbed the envelope and tore it open. Inside was a single piece of paper. He flipped it open and read it.
Firmament Analytics Enterprises
You’re in good hands
Thank you for choosing to become a firmament discharge specialist!
Enjoy your new life as a [High fantasy: commercial][Enchanter]/[Chemist] in [Academyway]. As a reminder, you selected the following perks: [Monthly subscription] and [Improved professional equipment]. Along with these you will receive the standard set of perks for this package which include:
Fully owned shop building in town/city of choice with all tools/equipment for chosen profession(s).
Included in-shop domestic space.
Start up funds/stock to get your shop on its feet.
Linguistic package
As well as the following bonus gift for prompt application return:
Tutorial Specs
If you require additional information you will be contacted via TransDem mailing services.
Joe had to read the letter three times before it made even the slightest bit of sense to him. When it did finally penetrate his brain, he still didn’t fully believe it. Setting the letter down he did another lap of what had to be the ‘domestic space’ of the shop. The bed in the corner was a simple solid wooden frame with a french style mattress. Giving the mattress a squeeze, it crinkled and he guessed it was full of straw. The folding screens partitioning it off from the rest of the space felt like linen on his fingers and was stretched over more solid wood. The table gave a reassuringly dense thunk when he rapped his knuckles against it. He even found the little metal plate that turned the lights on and off by the stairwell. “Ok, so, it would appear that that actually was, what? An interdimensional job application?” He went back to the letter on the table and read it again. It gave no further clues as to what was going on, but something else caught his eye. “What are ‘tutorial specs’?”
He looked down at what he had assumed were reading glasses. They were a set of gold half moon style glasses. The wire frame cupped the lenses around the curve of the half moon, leaving the straight top half uncovered so that the frames didn’t block his vision. When he picked them up they felt like they weighted next to nothing. Putting them on, they nestled just under his eyes so that if he looked down he would be seeing through them. They didn’t magnify anything when he looked at his hand, so he assumed they didn’t actually help someone read better. “So, are these not the tutorial specs then?” Joe looked around the room though them and was surprised when a little text box appeared next to the items he’d been looking at in the kitchen.
Mana Sink
A bowl shaped basin that is tuned to the mana furnace for this property. Activating the handle will cause water to spawn at the cost of mana. Void rune in basin can be activated or deactivated to alternately drain or allow the basin to fill.
Mana Stove
Copper burners on the mana stove convert mana from the property’s mana furnace into heat. Controls for activating the burners can be found on the front of the mana stove.
Mana Oven
Heater inside the mana oven converts mana from the property’s mana furnace into heat.
Controls for activating the heater can be found alongside the mana oven.
“Well now,” Joe glanced up at the lights.
Mana Lights
Illuminators inside the mana lights convert mana from the property’s mana furnace into light. Controls for activating the mana lights can be found by the front/back door, the top of the stairwell and next to the bed.
Joe glanced over at the bed again. He could just see the small metal plate on the wall from where he was standing. Since he looked over the top of the tutorial specs, he didn’t get a little heads up display telling him what it was, but he could guess from what he’d just read. “Well these are going to be pretty handy.” He left them on as he grabbed the last item from the table, the large leather bag. It clinked as he moved it, so he wasn’t terribly surprised when he opened it up and found it was full of coins. “And here are my starter funds.” He mused as he poured the contents out onto the table. All the coins were about the same size, but were different colors. Some were a dark grey, others were bronze and a handfull were a silvery white color. Joe picked up one of the bronze coins and looked at it through his glasses.
Bronze Mana coin
Value: 10
Mana: 10
Use: currency, novice level spells, chemistry
“Novice level spells? You use money for magic here? Also, how do I use this for chemistry?” he looked through the glasses again, hoping that if he verbalized the question the glasses would answer it. Instead he just got the same information he had last time. “Ok, so you don’t actually answer questions, just give me basic information I should know as someone who lives here.” He picked up one of the darker grey coins and tipped his head up to look at it through his glasses.
Iron Mana coin
Value: 1
Mana:1
Uses: currency, cantrip level spells, chemistry
Next he examined the light grey coin
Silver Mana coin
Value: 100
Mana:100
Uses: currency, apprentice level spells, chemistry, enchanting
“Well, it would make sense that you can use them for enchanting if you can use them for spells.” Joe mused, scooping the coins back into the bag and leaving it on the table for now. Heading back downstairs, he found the area underneath his studio was now illuminated. Globe lights set into the pillars that held up the second floor shone with the same clean white light as the illuminators in the chandeliers above. Their light glittered off of shelves full of intricate glassware and ceramic jars all lined up along a recessed set of shelves that lined the right hand wall. In front of the shelves was a long granite topped table with dark wooden cupboards tucked underneath it. He realized that this was the thing he’d previously bounced off of in the dark.
On the left hand side of the room was a much smaller octagonal stone pedestal with a set of recessed shelves behind it. Unlike the other shelves, these were mostly bare. They held only a small collection of rough wooden boxes and a cup full of what looked like grey chalk. The whole space was picked out in the same dark mahogany as the large granite table, giving the space a uniform look and feel. There were no front or back walls to the room, allowing Joe to stand on the stairs and look all the way out onto the shop floor.
“Oh wow” Joe breathed as his eyes roved over all the details. “I guess this is the ‘professional equipment’ I’m supposed to get. It looks like the upgrade went to the chemistry set. A bit disappointing, but nothing to sniff at.” he walked out into the space and ran his hand along the chemistry tables’ granite surface. It was cool to the touch and perfectly smooth. In the middle there was a row of threaded brass holes. Joe assumed that they were there to secure something to the table, but what it could be he wasn’t sure. Tucked into the corner of the recessed shelving he found a thick leather bound book. The title “Practical Alchemy For The Modern Chemist” was stamped onto the front in dark lettering. Joe flipped through it quickly. There were recipes and diagrams all done in an old woodcut style that looked pretty, but meant very little to him right now. He placed the book back on the shelf and turned to the other side of the room.
There he found another book behind the stone pedestal. This one was titled “Beginners Guide to Enchanting” and was in a similar woodcut style to the chemistry book. “I’m going to have to sit down and study these,” Joe signed as he flipped through the cryptic book. “Oh well, I’ve got the rest of my life to get good at this stuff so no reason to worry about it right now.” he replaced the book and turned back to the stairs. There was one more place he wanted to look at before he went to bed.
The basement stairs lead down to one gigantic room. Rows of red brick arches supported the weight of the floors above and divided the space into parallel alleys. In the far corner, under where the stairs to the second floor would be, was a pot bellied monster of a machine. It looked like the bastard offspring of a wood stove and an octopus furnace. Its main chassis was a large cauldron shaped pot with several dials encrusting its surface like medals. In the center, like an ornate belly button, sat a coin slot picked out in brass filigree. From its top pipes jutted out and attached to the ceiling, but where they went Joe wasn’t sure. They seemed to end shortly after their attachment points. Joe tipped his head up and looked at it through his glasses.
Mana Furnace
Refines and stores mana from mana coins to power tethered domestic utilities.
Joe ran his hand along the front of the mana furnace, tapping a few of the gauges and looking at them through his glasses as well.
Fill Gauge
Displays current mana level in the mana furnace.
Current level: 300/600 mu
Average Heat Gauge
Displays the average mana/day used to heat the building as well as operate the mana stove and oven.
Current average: 15mu
Coin Slot
Used to insert mana coins into the mana furnace.
Note: excess mana is vented to the outside world.
“So 15, mu? I’m just going to assume that stands for ‘mana units’ or something.” Joe glanced at the whole contraption again as his mind ticked over the math problem. “Fifteen times thirty makes, four hundred and fifty mana per month. So I’ll need to top this thing up pretty quickly here if I plan to keep the lights on.” Joe suddenly wondered if perhaps the utility perk wouldn’t have been a bad idea to take after all. “Too late now,” he sighed as he gave the mana furnace one last pat. Briefly he debated going upstairs to get his bag of money and try one of the smaller denomination coins in the furnace to see if there was a 1:1 ratio between the fill gauge and the value of the coins. It probably did, but he didn’t want to assume and budget wrong.
Joe gave a little smile and a chuckle as he ascended the stairs back up to the main floor. He had to admit to himself, he was taking this pretty well. However if he was being honest, there really hadn’t been that much left for him back home. Life and marriage had caused friends to drift away and he hadn’t been all that close to any of his family. The thought made him sad for a moment as he stood at the top of the stairs just watching the light sparkle off the glass in his chemistry equipment. “Maybe this time will be different,” he said to the room at large before going silent again. A thought struck him out of nowhere and his eyebrows knit in concentration. “Wait, wasn’t I supposed to have some stock?”
