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blame and nostalgia

  SILMO

  with a deep breath Silmo woke up and smelled all the stench from the dumpster where he had fallen asleep. his long and pitch black hair were dirty and some of them covered his left eye, his arms held his legs close to his body while the phone had fallen out of his pockets and was lying on the base of the dumpster.

  he moved his dirty hair from his face and stretched his legs and arms, as far as he could stretch them. the dumpster wasn't long enough for him, so he slept with his back and head resting on the sides of it.

  he slowly opened the dumpster lid, expecting the morning light to shine inside, instead the only light to come in was from the nearby streetlight almost hidden by the house to which the dumpster was almost attached. he could saw the dirt road, from where he came, disappearing in the darkness. the sky was still a pitch black void without stars and moon.

  <> he grabbed the phone to check out the time but the phone didn't open, he tried several time to click the power button, yet it still remained off.

  <>

  he left the stinky dumpster and headed toward the streetlight where the dirt road become a paved one. he looked out from the corner of the house and saw a disaster that he didn't noticed when he came there, also because the closer he got to city, the more he walked in the grass moving away slightly from the dirt road. all the decorations attached to the houses illuminated food splattered on the ground, a stall with food on it destroyed and smashed to pieces, many houses with their front door wide open and many with even their garage open. he noticed that far ahead the streetslights and decorations were off. the house from which he was peering had both, the garage and the front door, wide open, and the garage had even the light still on and the door, that connects it to the rest of the house opened.

  at the sight of the food his stomach grumbled, suddently his own stinky smell hit him, he felt his whole face was dirty, the shit would look better than him.

  <> thoght as he was entering the garage. it was pretty empty, just enough space for a small car to fit in, the use of the private vehicles were permitted in the outskirts, two buckets of paint and Is a cardboard box full of old items. it was full of dust and cracks in the walls.

  he entered in the hous and right in front of him a chest of drawers with all of it opened, inside it there was every type of stuff, lightbulbs, some types of wires, needle and a lot of threads, and at the last drawer there was a nice wide brush, some screwdrivers and a hammer. at his left there was the front door and he could see a part of the clean kitchen stove, meanwhile at his right there was the living room and another corridor that disappears to its right.

  <> a little laugh came out just for the mere thought of it. he took the hammer with him and went towards the kitchen.

  it was a mess even there, many hanging cabinet with the doors open and inside it remain little to none food supplies, but those that remained were extremely precious. he took a pack unopen of biscuits and started to eat some of it, then he took an open bag of bread and placed both of them on the table nearby. as he was searching for others supplies he noticed how much mould was on the ceiling, even though he forget it soon when he saw a half bar of dark chocolate to which he breaks off a piece. after that he didn't find anything, so he went towards the fridge and the situation was even worse, the only thing inside it was a bunch of four banana.

  to the right of the refrigerator there was an entrance without a door that led to the lunchroom. there he saw a almost finished bottle of water, he finished it and filled it with tap water. as he was filling the bottle he saw some drawers near the sink, he opened the first one and his eyes lit up.

  there was a long kitchen knife, well sharped and well pointy, far better than a hammer against monsters.

  <> thought looking at the food on the table.

  he went to check the small living room, the mould was also here, a long sofa attached to the wall barely fits in, on top of it there was a large painting of a mountain landscape, in front of it, attached to the other wall, there was a large tv on a small table. immediately at his left, where the room begin, there was a large sideboard with display cabinet, through the glass he could see some photos, especially many of a newborn, and some of them were family photos.

  Silmo couldn't look at the family photos for too long, so decide to went to the next corridor, right in front of the living room's entrance that lead to three rooms. those photos were hurtful to look, a lovely family he'll struggle to see them again, if he really manages to see them, but one thing was the most hurtful for him, the death of his mother, more specifically his unconcern.

  when his sister told him about it the world fell on him just for an instant, then the next second it was like nothing happened, and that was fine to him there were a lot of things going around his head and he was in a dangerous situation. the thing he hate and was really hurtful to the heart was that he didn't think about her anymore after that moment, only now after saw those photos he remembered his death mother.

  "I'm a filthy piece of shit, i was too focused on me, on how to get to my sister and father, that i forgot about her. She broke her back to give us a comfortable life, she sacrificed his dream to give us a safe life and i tried to help her, not to make her worry. a son shouldn't be a burden for a mother." tears flowed like a waterfall down his cheeks, he was sitting on the ground with his back leaned on the white wall.

  as tears still flowed down his face, his sister's words came back to him. "she fell as the crowd was dragging us and... and a building fell... over her"

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

  "poor Anna, she must be terrified. i can't trust her words, in that chaos she probably didn't remember correctly what happened. my mother could be still alive. poor dad, he must be heartbroken. i must go to them and help them. this is what a good son must do." he wiped his tears with the back of his hand, as if it could chase away suffering, stood up and went throught the door at his right.

  > he thought as he was looking at the room.

  it was pretty full this time, there was a table on the wall at his left with some paper and pen on it, at his right there was a single bed in the angle, next to him there was an empty bedside table, attached to the wall in front of him there was a library a library with school books, some notebooks and many books ranging from children's books to great classics. to it right there was a cabinet of the same size with opened doors, some clothes were on the ground, some of them were still hanging, most of it where t-shirt too light for winter and a old black jacket with some names on it written with a white permanent marker. At the sight of the jacket Silmo felt a growing nostalgia, but ignored it, he could not be distracted.

  covered in part by a T-shirt was an old school backpag, older than Silmo, but still intact.

  he took it and placed it on the bed, then he went to the master room in front of the boy's room. it was empty and full at the same time, at his right there was a large closet which went from wall to wall, with all of his door opened and inside it was a real mess. at his left there was a wide bed with two bedside table, the left one with a charger's wire placed on top of it and plugged into an outlet, Silmo immediately went to charge the phone, the right one was full of make-up stuff and a little lamp.

  as he sat on the bed waiting for the phone to charge, he ran a hand over his hair to throw it back, and felt it greasy, full of the dirt from the dumpster. a shiver of disgust ran down his spine, suddenly a stench enveloped him, making him gasp for breath, he plugged his nose and instinctively closed his eyes, as he closed them he also felt the skin of his face under a thick layer of dirt.

  "disgusting, I absolutely must wash myself" said as he was walking towards the last door.

  the bathroom was tiny, in front of him there was a sink and a mirror, thanks to it he could clearly see his hair reflecting the light of the room, they were attached to each other thanks to the dirt, they were swollen and still perfectly smooth, in fact more than before, even from there he could see the skin under the hair. his green eyes betray his tiredness and beneath them was a faint hint of dark circles, his lips were chapped but at that moment he was thinking about what he would do when he grew a beard.

  he couldn't bare to see and feel his dirty hair anymore, it was driving him mad, so he went directly to the sink and opened the tap, ignoring the shower at his right, with a bathrobe hanging and a hair dryer next to it, and the toilet at his left, with in front of it a pile of towels on a stool and a closed window to the right of the toilet.

  he began to wash firstly his face then his hair with an hair conditioner. after some time finally he felt himself almost clean, the only thing remained were his clothes, but from what he saw from the closets, they have taken away all the clothes for the winter.

  <> thought as he was drying the hair with a towel.

  he was about to turn on the hair dryer when he remember of all open doors, so quickly he closed them all and even the bathroom's one, and turned on the hair dryer. he didn't care how he dried them, he had to hurry, that was the only important thing. yet in his head there was the image of the old jacket, when he saw it he felt a strong nostalgia.

  after that, hoping that no one heard him, he tied them up in a pony tail with the elastic band on his wrist. he went back to the phone and turned it on, while he was waiting he went to the boy's closet and take a closer look on the jacket.

  it was indeed an old one and it was from a teenager, maybe he was twelve years old or so, it was small for Silmo. on it there were dozens of names but what catches his eyes was a name "Amelié" encircled by a heart, it reminded him his very first crushes, the first and short engagements, he was luckier with girls back then than he is now. every name on it carry with them a memory, and the jacket is evidence of a boy's carefreeness, a carefreeness destroyed in a few hours and impossible to gain it back.

  he was not that old, he had recently touched twenty, he had never been nostalgic but that jacket reminded him his life, like he was about to die.

  "this boy" he looked on the library and saw some books of the second year of high school. "will never experience what I experienced, he had to leave while I was able to live and chose how to live. he hasn't had this privilege, i hope he is safe. many of them died or are dying right now, or even suffering a lot." his mind recalled the images of the five guys who had killed the wolf, four of them died and as many died when the troll arrived. even his mother might be dead.

  "I don't even know what I'm supposed to think. all this suffering, all these lives killed without reason, all those infinite wasted potentials. someone who has had a shitty past is slaughtered in the same way as someone who has had a good life. the rich are slaughtered like the poor. why. why all of this is happening." an heavy sigh came out of his mouth. "even if i know why, all this can't be avoided i guess. on the other hand what could i do to stop it."

  now he realized the reason for that nostalgia, not for the poor boy, but for the loss of something that will never return, peace. the peace of being able to do what he wants without fear of being eaten, the peace of being able to go anywhere without fear and without hiding. the peace of being able to choose what to eat and to have fun as and when he wants.

  he gave one last look to the jacket and saw a big dick made with the marker just below the name encircled by a heart. that made him forget of all those sad thoughts and made him burst out laughing.

  he went back to the master room, changed his t-shirt with one on the ground and checked his phone.

  "it is 9.45 a.m.?!" said almost shouting. he didn't need to check the sky from the window, his eyes were glued to the phone and saw that his battery was almost 40 per cent.

  "too mcuh things to think of. the sky been this dark is unnatural and maybe the monsters are the cause." he remembered a strange voice in his head before the disaster saying something, yet he couldn't rememeber what he said so he chased away those thoughts.

  "okay, let's think about something else. with the fast-charge in fifteen minutes or so my phone will be near fully charged. it need to last throught the journey, although I will certainly find a hiding place with a socket, maybe there is no light there, like here in front, but I will see on the spot. i need to use Gmaps to navigate in it better, even without geolocation is this useful, so better use street iilluminated by streetlights." he stood up and went to the kitchen with the old backpack.

  <> thought as he put the food and the hammer in his backpack.

  <> his gaze was lost in the void. <> thought after a long moment of reflection.

  With this new overwhelming energy and with trembling legs, Silmo put his backpack on his shoulders, the knife held so tightly that his right hand was already sore, and was ready to embark on the journey.

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