We have some sad news to report- one of our largest printing houses has been busted by the Empire. Due to this, the next issue will be delayed until we find a new place to set up.

  All authors who had their work printed in that issue, your checks will come next month instead. Hopefully you have a rainy day fund.

  Remember, folks- the best way to rebel against tyranny is with subversive media! They wouldn’t want to stamp us out if they weren’t scared of what we could do to their propaganda machine! Let your freak flag fly!!

  -The Sassy Satyr

  Stephen was frustrated. Writer’s block was one of the worst afflictions for someone in his profession, and it’d been hitting him particularly hard lately.

  He was currently a stack of pages into his latest potential masterpiece, about a powerful she-devil who takes a bargain to be the lover of a lonely man. It had everything! Drama! Power dynamics! Paranormal!

  And he was stuck.

  He’d been trying to finish this chapter for the last three days, and he could not get the ideas out of his head. Something about the love confession running too quickly into making sweet love, it was driving him up the wall.

  Before he could finish his thought, a knock at the door made him lose his train of thought again. Gods- I’m busy!! Genius needs time to be harnessed, art does not burst forth like a waterfall from a mountainside!!

  “For gods’ sake, what is it?!” Stephen groaned. He went to the door, looking out through the small peephole. A normal-looking elf was there in a bellhop’s uniform. Strange considering the rest of the inn was staffed by humans, but perhaps he’d missed him.

  “We need to inspect the room, we’ve heard that a mouse ran in here yesterday.”

  Stephen narrowed his eyes. “What? I was HERE all day yesterday writing, and I didn’t see any…”

  “Well, perhaps you weren’t observant enough. Are you going to open the door, or should we come back later?”

  I suppose I might as well deal with this now, so I can finally back to work… Stephen rolled his eyes, and opened the door. “Fine. Do what you must, but make it quick! I have a deadline to meet!!”

  However, instead of doing anything that would be expected to help catch a mouse, like laying traps, or something, he just came in and shut the door behind him.

  “I can’t believe that worked. Usually targets don’t make this so easy…” The bellhop said, snickering.

  Of course. Of course some criminal’s after me now. I only hope I can talk my way out of this… “Are you here to rob me? I don’t have much money on hand to speak of… my latest payment hasn’t come in yet. Perhaps we could take a rain check, or-”

  “Shut it.” In a puff of smoke, the elf transformed into a sinister figure, clad in a red robe with a hood.

  The person in red did not look friendly. But perhaps they were looking for some party in another room. After all, he was no stranger to questionable clothing choices, given the pink suit he was currently clad in. He raised a knife, quickly changing the entire mood of the situation with one swift motion. Oh. Oh, he’s not just after money…

  Stephen was not prepared for this. Usually when he got into trouble, he could get out of it just as easily. Being gifted with a silver tongue could do that.

  Well, it was more like a tarnished silver tongue considering how often his big mouth got him INTO messes in the first place, but it still helped! Occasionally.

  “W-whatever you got paid for this, I’m sure I can make a better offer! In a week or so, once my payment for the latest installment of Passions in the Dark comes in!!” Stephen stammered. He didn’t think that would work, but all he needed to do was distract the assassin long enough to think of a plan to escape.

  “I highly doubt you can pay more than my mistress. You’re just a disaffected noble. She’s far above that.”

  Unfortunately, he was standing in the way of the door… which left only one thing. Thinking quickly, Stephen did the only thing that he could think of.

  And that was jumping out the window.

  Thankfully, the guards in the immediate area had deserted following their captain’s miserable defeat, but more would definitely be coming.

  “All right, I got you out of the prison… where do we go from here?” Arandia cut in. Rex slowly turned to look at her, his face a picture of almost total disbelief.

  “You don’t have a plan to escape the city?!” Rex groaned. Argh. I should have known!! Nothing would EVER be this easy!!

  Arandia bared her fangs in response, in what seemed to be a common thing for her. “Listen, jackass, I was in there for over a year, you expect me to remember anything outside? I don’t have planning skills. I get paid to beat people up. YOU come up with something.”

  “You’re the one who was trumpeting their own horn about how she’d be a great help!! Where was all that confidence from earlier?!”

  “I don’t see YOU coming up with a better plan, shorty!”

  Rex’s eye twitched. “Short-?! I am six feet in height!! The physique befitting royalty!!”

  Arandia condescendingly leaned down to his eye level to tap his head. “Royalty, huh? Guess whatever bloodline’s gone downhill if a blowhard like you is descended from them.”

  Rex growled, feeling fire build in his throat. He was not going to sit here and take it! “Listen here, you!! I am of a far higher station than-”

  “GUYS!” Celeste’s shrill voice cut off the argument before it could come to blows, thankfully. “Usagi has an idea… that he’s been trying to tell you for the last minute.”

  Usagi cleared his throat. “Ahem. Thank you. I would tell you both to get a room, but we can save that for later. Besides, it’d be difficult to find one that could fit both of you…” Arandia looked about ready to punch him for that, but Rex quickly stopped her with a glare. There’s a port nearby- if we can grab a ship, we can make our escape on the open seas.”

  “Wait, but I don’t know how to sail a boat…” Celeste chimed in.

  “The only times I’ve been on a boat is in the brig…” Arandia muttered, somewhat ruefully.

  Usagi chuckled. “Never fear, this hare is hiding many talents. I’ve been on boats before, I’m sure I know enough to get us out at least.”

  Rex groaned. That is not the least bit reassuring. But we have no other choices… AGAIN. “Fine. Anywhere’s better than here-”

  He was cut off by the sound of glass shattering above his head, and shortly after, a loud thud followed by an expletive. I really need to keep my mouth shut…

  “FUCK! ASSHOLE!!”

  Arandia had broken up the conversation, rather abruptly. Someone had fallen out of the sky, directly onto her huge abdomen!

  Well, at least she broke his fall, but attracting her ire might actually be worse for him…

  “Oh, excuse me!! My apologies, miss, I’m in a hurry- OOF!” He was cut off by Arandia shoving him off of her back, then pointing her newly acquired sword at his neck.

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  “Ohhh, no, you’re not getting away that easily. What the fuck was that, why are you jumping out of buildings?! Onto me?! Who the hell are you anyway?!”

  Rex took in the strange man. He was wearing a bright pink suit, with equally pink hair- both of which were significantly rumpled, as if he’d taken a fall down a flight of stairs. The suit in particular looked like it’d been torn up- definitely from the window. His face had slender pointed nose, cheekbones you could cut someone on, and slender-rimmed glasses. He also seemed totally unconcerned by a sword being inches away from his head.

  “Oh, right… where are my manners?! I’m in the presence of a beautiful lady!!”

  Rex’s eye twitched. What in god’s name is he talking about?! He just fell out of a window and he’s already trying this?!

  “Ahem. Stephen Myer, of House Myer, at your service. Famous author of fine romance novels, perhaps you’ve heard of them?”

  Myer… no, it can’t be THAT Myer- oh, NO.

  Rex groaned, as the realization hit him. The ONE person of noble birth I meet in this and it’s HIM. He had read only one of his… ‘works’, the first volume of ‘Scales of Passion’, about the illegitimate romance of his great grandfather and a princess of a neighboring nation, before proposing a ban on his oeuvre from Dragonia. It didn’t go through. But it should have, he thought. Such drivel was physically painful to read.

  Not ONLY because attempting to read about his great-grandfather engaging in intimate acts disgusted him on a visceral level, but also because he tried to paint it as a star-crossed romance between warring nations, rather than a simple political alliance that happened to turn into something more later. Horrifically inaccurate! If either of them were still alive today, they would have been appalled!!

  Arandia’s normally caustic demeanor was somehow silenced by his blatant pass- meanwhile, Celeste’s pale skin was turning a lovely shade of beet red.

  “The presence of a lady? You- listen here, you-” Rex had to stop her from hauling off and knocking Stephen out with her staff.

  “Gods damn it, we JUST got out of prison! Do you want to go back?!”

  Usagi, however, was trying- and failing- not to laugh. “Well, that’s something I wasn’t expecting out of you, aren’t clerics typically celibate-”

  “YES, BUT IT’S NOT ABOUT THAT! IT’S ABOUT BEING IGNORED!!” Celeste shot back.

  Stephen, meanwhile, was too busy being smitten to hear any of that. “I’m going to need some directions, because I’m getting lost in all your eyes-”

  “Yeah, no, I’m not listening to any more of this.” Arandia glared at him. “Not interested, so get out before you piss me off any more than you already have.”

  The noble suddenly looked much more serious. “W-wait! Listen! You look like mercenaries of some skill! I have a job for you!!”

  Oh for- this man has already taken enough of our time!! We need to LEAVE!!

  “You three. Let’s GO.” Rex barked. Starting to walk away, ignoring the pink fop- unfortunately, he didn’t take the hint- running in front of him to block his way.

  Stephen was stammering frantically, completely ignorant of the obvious irritation of half the party. “Listen, there’s a bunch of people in red robes following me. I don’t know who he was, but he didn’t look reasonable!! And he didn’t even respond to my attempt at a bribe!! This is nothing like the plays I’ve seen!!”

  Rex rolled his eyes. Oh, no. He’s a SHELTERED noble- the worst kind, the ones who don’t have any real world experience… “What sort of assassins?”

  “Oh boy…” Arandia pinched the bridge of her nose. “Buddy, I have some BAD news for you… that’s the Red Assassins, man. They don’t stop until they’re dead or their target is, and bring back their heads as proof.”

  Stephen gasped. “What?! That’s… that’s against the law!!”

  It was currently taking all of Rex’s resolve to not tell this man what a massive idiot he was directly to his face, and that resolve was faltering by the second. Unfortunately, Stephen’s was not. “Wait! I have a brilliant idea. Please, take me with you!!”

  Arandia groaned, her thinly veiled rage readily apparent. “This is a bad idea. The cleric’s ALREADY a safety hazard, don’t add another one to the mix-”

  “Please, I’ll give you anything!! I have money!! Plenty of it!!”

  Rex was trying to steer the conversation away from this man, and back towards the topic of escape. “Listen, we don’t need your money, we’re kind of in a hurry-”

  “Money, you say?” Usagi cut in. “How much are we talking? Our services are… expensive, you see…”

  Arandia grinned maliciously. “For once we agree on something, rabbit. How much you got, pinko?

  “More than you can imagine! If you’re worried about me defending myself, I have magic!!”

  …if he can actually defend himself, then… there’s probably an ulterior motive for this, but a hostage WOULD get the soldiers to back off… argh! Fine! I’m going to regret this later, I know it…

  “Fine. If anyone asks, you’re our hostage. But if you drag us down, we will be leaving you. Right! Here!!” Rex growled.

  “Ooh, a hostage! I should use that… posing as a hostage to someone else to deter pursuers…” Stephen pulled out a notepad and began scribbling- not noticing a bunch of mysterious figures running into the alleyway!!

  By the time Rex could process what had happened, several people in red robes had already filed out from both ends of the alleyway, before the party could leave!

  Rex glared at him. “You said there was only one!!”

  “There was! Oh, drat, they must have had backup…”

  “Damn, those guys are fast…” Arandia grunted. “I could probably bowl through them, but then you all would be left behind…”

  Usagi grinned. “Glad you care so much about us-”

  “And I wouldn’t get paid.” Arandia retorted.

  “Man, those robes are tacky…” Celeste muttered. “Red? Really? You guys look terrible!!” Unfortunately, her attempt at a cutting remark did nothing to dissuade their advance.

  Rex thought frantically. These seem like deadly folk, direct confrontation is probably not the best idea. But… wait, they need proof of the deed… I have an idea!

  He grabbed Stephen by the collar and pulled him close, putting him in a headlock.

  Rex whispered. “Act scared. Now. Or I will leave you here, and you will die in this alleyway!”

  Getting the message, Stephen nodded frantically.

  “Stand back, we have a hostage!!” Raising his voice, Rex was trying his best to sound menacing, but the absurd circumstances undercut his charisma somewhat. “Take one step closer and I’ll burn him to cinders!! And you’ll never get your proof that way!!”

  “Oh, my!! Please, don’t approach, lest this miscreant scorch my beautiful features with his horrid breath!!” Stephen was trying his best to sell the act. Unfortunately, he clearly had never learned the important lesson of subtlety.

  …can you BE any more dramatic?! Rex thought. No matter, I need to push the act farther!

  “This man’s a high-profile target, yes? I don’t think you want to blow such a bounty so easily!”

  A long pause ensued, before one of the robed figures drew a knife, and began advancing.

  Blast. I suppose that wasn’t terribly convincing. Fine. I can just burn HIM instead-

  “OH NO, WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?!” Stephen suddenly announced.

  A huge, imposing suit of armor had rounded the corner, advancing on the alley, clanking menacingly!

  “Oh, we’re all done for!! The Iron Watch has come to take us all hostage!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!” Stephen wailed.

  Oh, for- as if today can’t get any worse!!

  The assassins seemed to be fearful of the armored titan, despite outnumbering him ten to one. It wasn’t long before they bolted past the party, disappearing around a corner.

  As soon as the assassins were out of earshot, however, Stephen’s face changed from a mask of terror to one of immense smugness instead.

  “Ohoho, the looks on their faces!! That was magnificent!! And your reaction, sir, helped immensely. You sold the act brilliantly!!”

  Rex was utterly dumbfounded. “...act?! ACT?! What- but- the Empire-”

  “I told you I knew magic, didn’t I? I can’t fight very well, but I’m very skilled at illusions…” He snapped his fingers, and the towering armor disappeared in a puff of smoke.

  “A clever trick indeed. Now, we mustn’t dawdle.” Usagi peered around the corner. “The coast appears to be clear, so we should hop to it!” He dashed off, with Celeste and Arandia close behind. Stephen turned to Rex, bowing dramatically.

  “So. Still convinced I’ll be a hindrance?”

  “FINE. You can go. Let’s… just go and find a boat already…” Rex grunted. No matter how annoying he is, at least he can be USEFUL, so I can swallow my disgust… probably. But if I end up in any of his books I am going to wring his neck!!