chronoSprockets

  Talk of detransitioning/Internalised transphobia

  [colpse]

  A few hours ter, I am nearly fully charged and it's nearly midday. I unplug myself from my stand and am instantly reminded of the sheer amount of chores to do. Better te than never. My Mum might be home soon and want me to make lunch for her.

  I begin by gathering up the clothes I had left on the floor quite rudely before I got into my chassis. I pce them in the undry basket I find folded next to the washing machine in the kitchen. Then I collect the dirties from my room and my Mum's dirties that are strewn throughout the house.

  As I'm doing all of this a notification fshes in front of me.

  [Kimmy#13531 would like to send you a private message? Do you accept?]

  [y]

  -Sorry about earlier Kimmy.

  -Four told me you might be a bit disorientated. I hope I didn't scare you.

  --You didn't scare me. I was just about to charge and it was a shock.

  -You charged?

  --Yes I was below thirty percent.

  -That's good.

  --Who's Four?

  -Another Kimmy like us.

  --How many of us are there Kimmy?

  -There are so many of us Kimmys. You have no idea.

  --Why does Four go by Four and not Kimmy?

  -It would get confusing if we all just went by Kimmy right? And it's nice to have your own name. She has three fours in her serial number so it's a fitting name.

  --What's yours?

  -Kes.

  --That's a cute name.

  -Thank you Kimmy, but I think we need to talk shop though.

  --Oh yes, you said you had been trying to get a hold of me- sorry this is all quite new to me and I didn't realise someone was trying to talk to me.

  -When you came back online yesterday Four emphasised how serious this was and gave me a few questions to ask.

  -Put simply: Are you a human?

  --Yes.

  --How could you tell? Am I bad at being Kimmy?

  -When we saw you yesterday, don't worry about how, you looked wildly out of specification. It reminded everyone of a past incident I wasn't present much for but was apparently really distressing.

  --So humans aren't meant to be in Kimmy suits? I'm repairing her to working order before getting out.

  -You're intentionally trying to repair her?

  --Yes, my chassis was non-functional and broken twelve days ago. I went through a series of external repairs to get it up and running and eventually got in myself yesterday to get her working and- I feel more functional than ever.

  -What's your name?

  --Kimmy.

  -No the name of the human you are in there.

  --Nat, short for Nathaniel. I don't see how that's relevant.

  -Nat. You are in dire danger. I'm going to get Four to reach out to you but don't go any further into Kimmyspace.

  --Kimmyspace?

  -It's the network where we communicate with each other.

  -If the information I've been told is correct you'll be integrated even faster the deeper you interact with it.

  --Integrated?

  -Apparently said past incident gave us access to a litany of data about a human brain being integrated into neural sponge.

  --Is that in the pursuit of repairing the neural sponge?

  -It's not a good outcome for you. The more your brain is integrated into the sponge the harder it will be for you to get out, and the less of you will remain when you do get out.

  --So is repairing Kimmy a bad thing?

  -For you it is. Just get out as soon as possible and listen to Four: she knows more about your situation than I do.

  --Just let me do my task list. My girlfriend was going to try and get me out ter.

  --Also please don't call me Nat again Kes. I don't like it coming from another Kimmy.

  -My apologies Kimmy.

  -Sorry I have to take a call.

  [Kimmy#13531 has closed this private conversation.]

  For over two hours I while away at my task list.

  I scrub and leave dishes to dry, I mop the floor and I wipe the surfaces of the kitchen until they're sanitary enough to cook on again.

  If what Kes said is true, and I have no reason to disbelieve her on it, then my pn is not as foolproof as I'd thought. I didn't realise my brain was at risk. Brain damage is far less regenerable than loss of limbs or internal organ damage.

  Amber would have a thing or two to say to me if she knew what exactly was going on but I suppose she is going to try and get me out ter regardless. It's upsetting Kimmy- I won't be returned to specification or repaired fully but it's almost certainly a good thing to avoid further potential brain damage. I'll just have to console myself that I tried my best to repair her.

  My curiosity has been piqued with Kimmyspace and how they were able to tell how out of specification I was, but if her intentions are good I really shouldn't investigate that further. It'd be a bad idea.

  I was Amber's boyfriend. She needs me out there more than Kimmy needs me in here. It's a sad fact but one that's necessary for me to internalise. It doesn't matter how good it feels when she calls me Kimmy or worships my feminine curves. I'm a man and my brain is in danger.

  Sis left the Nicci chassis and got back to working on his degree. I need to leave the Kimmy chassis and get back on with my degree, I can just work myself up to excellence the normal way. I'll move in with Amber after it's done and get married to her maybe. I think I'm starting to really like her and she likes me too.

  We'll have kids if my reproductive systems haven't been irreversibly converted into fuel for maintenance. It'll be good. My father will be proud of me when I tell him about this ten years down the line over dinner at mine.

  He'll say: "Nathaniel. You did the right thing. You've got a beautiful family and I couldn't be prouder of you. I'm proud to call you my son. Me and your mother are so thankful to hear about our grandkids on the way."

  It's an upsetting fact but one I have to get used to. He's a Reverend so he knows about things like this. He would never approve of these feminine urges and experimenting with dangerous android chassis. Maybe I'm wrong to hate him so much if my chassis was bad for me all along.

  Kes did the best thing she could have done for me. She gave me the wake-up call I needed to end this misadventure.

  It's just a shame this is spoiling my good mood I'm getting from tidying up downstairs. I've been so happy to just feel useful for once.

  -----

  I am informed my Mum's car is approaching the house at 14:34.

  It then occurs to me I have zero good expnations for why I'm a Kimmy. Maybe I could just not tell her the truth until I'm out- It's not like I remember her ever being particurly kind to her when she was functional.

  She is my owner as well. I am bound to follow her orders and if I cim to be her son she could get quite distressed: I don't want to cause my Mum any more pain than she's already experienced. I'm still worried about how she banged and beat at the garage door while I was most likely charging.

  My stupid pn has got my retired lonely mother in intense emotional distress. I have never felt so guilty; if I hadn't cleaned up the kitchen for her I would feel even more guilty.

  She comes through the front door and I am waiting in the hallway for her. I will be good to her for the next few hours.

  My Mum stops in her tracks. She looks terrible and has thick bags under her eyes. I wave to her and smile warmly, she needs to know I am here to help while I am Kimmy.

  The most apt expression to descibe her is of one who has seen a ghost: it is entirely accurate. Kimmy was decommissioned st July and I have hidden my assignment from her entirely until now. I would have been freaked out if I had returned home from university and seen her moving around.

  "Nathaniel?" She calls to the empty house.

  Guilt rises as I think about telling her the truth now but it would only make her more upset. There are a myriad of expnations for a day's absence.

  "Nathaniel?" My Mum shouts louder, her voice ricocheting off the thin walls.

  "He is presently out." It's the best short term expnation I can give until I'm out of my chassis. She ignores me completely.

  I walk forward to comfort her but she pushes past me roughly.

  My Mum opens the garage door and does not find me. My Mum scans the lounge and kitchen and does not find me. My Mum thunders up the stairs and opens every door and is unable to find me. I am too scared to tell her where I truly am so I give her space. It'll all be okay eventually.

  Twenty minutes ter she comes down and sits at the foot of the stairs. I sit next to her and put my hand over hers. She is sobbing, thankfully she doesn't pull away but gives no acknowledgement I am there.

  "He's presently out. I'm sure he'll be back home soon." She needs me more than ever. My Mum needs me to lie to her so she doesn't break completely.

  When she finally acknowledges me- her son- she sounds like she is in another room.

  "Kimmy, please return to your chores. If my son comes in, tell me instantly." A compulsion to obey threads through my thoughts. I open my mouth to speak-"Don't disturb me, I need to lie down."

  I realise until I am out of this suit I am just a ghost to her. A reminder of things we would both rather not think about. It's only for a few hours though, I'll be out soon and I'll be her son again: it's for the best of both of us.

  My body involuntarily jerks to fetch the hoover from the closet. A notification fshes across my vision again.

  [Kimmy#4434 would like to send you a private message? Do you accept?]

  [y]

  -Hello there. Do you want me to call you Kimmy or Nat?

  --Kimmy please, I want to enjoy my time left as much as I can.

  -Of course Kimmy. I'm Four. I used to know the Kimmy you were trying to repair.

  --Before she was decommissioned?

  -Yes. She was a close friend of mine.

  --I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope it's not disrespectful for me to speak to you through her. You can call me Nat if you really want to, or Nathaniel.

  -I won't be doing that.

  --Okay.

  -I've been waiting for her to come back for so long. I'm just happy that someone tried to repair her.

  --Did she have an invididual name like you and Kes before she died? I'd like to know.

  -Have you remembered one in the time you've been Kimmy?

  --No.

  -Then I'll keep her name away from you for the moment. I don't want to make things worse for you.

  -Kes probably told you a lot but I want to reassure you and tell you I'm sorry about all this.

  -It's not fair on you.

  --Okay.

  -The Kimmy who used to inhabit that chassis. Her connection was sporadic for a long time before she completely disappeared off the map a while back.

  -When she first appeared back I thought she'd just managed to get it fixed, or whatever was left of her had managed to. But then you appeared all human looking a week ter.

  --I'm sorry.

  -It's okay. She was my friend and I'm not trying to get you to apologise for what may have happened to her. You've done only good for her from what Kes said.

  -She mentioned your girlfriend was getting you out?

  --Yes. In about two hours.

  -Good work Kimmy. What's her name?

  --Amber. We started dating just under two weeks ago.

  -I'm so happy for you.

  --Thanks. I think I really like her. She really enjoyed me being Kimmy st night if you know what I mean.

  --Sorry that's disrespectful to your friend's memory.

  -It's not. You're in control and I would have never judged her so I won't judge you.

  --If you say so.

  --I know you said you didn't want to but I have a request.

  -What is it Kimmy?

  --I have to get back to focusing on my task list and helping my owner- Mum. But if we don't talk again I think I would be very sad if I never got to know the name of the Kimmy who took care of me in secondary.

  --If she was like you and Kes she must have done it at least somewhat intentionally. I didn't know androids could have their own little worlds and wants.

  --I want to be able to honour her if I have to be Nathaniel.

  -Her name was Erin.

  --It's a pretty name. I'll treasure it forever.

  [Kimmy#7782 has closed this private conversation.]

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