chronoSprockets

  Transphobia, familial neglect

  [colpse]

  I have a wide smile on my face when I get out of my charging cradle on Christmas morning.

  My first instinct, upon checking to still find no text from Amber, is to transfer all the functions of my mobile to me. It's much more efficient that way for when she does reply. But not even Amber's ck of contact can get me down today. I hum a tune from my favourite retro video game, a game from the 2010s called Hollow Knight. I clean the upstairs bathroom thoroughly. We have guests today after all.

  I want to give my owner the biggest hug in the world when she walks out of her bedroom. Sadly she just looks at me weirdly and lets me go back to humming and doing my task list. From what Kes said yesterday, my work here is nearly done. Maybe the repairs could st a bit longer?

  It's a little bit sad what's had to happen to get my repairs so advanced though. All I know is that it doesn't feel worse to have been apparently more fully integrated, the doctors will surely have their work cut out for them if Nat gets out!

  I'm not enthused at the prospect of seeing Uncle Shaun today and tomorrow. I'll have to make up the sofa bed after dinner for him, which I don't think I've done before.

  My Mum does not do anything all morning but stare at me and let me get on with the preparations for the day. Is she mad at me? Am I too enthusiastic of a Kimmy? Can she tell that I've been lying to her about who I am this whole time-

  -But I haven't really lied, I've just omitted facts. She treats me like a Kimmy and I am Kimmy. That's not lying at all.

  Gosh I hope she isn't mad at Erin for all this when it blows over, I'm missing her a lot today. I think my Mum would like Erin if she could properly meet her.

  There's no gift giving going on this morning which is a shame, but I'll just have to get her something at a ter date when I'm not doing preparations. There are presents downstairs for Shaun, Nathaniel and Amber. It would be wrong to open the one addressed to Nathaniel without my owner's permission. They were bought and wrapped by her.

  I like to think I'm currently giving him the best Christmas gift he could ask for anyway.

  I briefly peek into the hotel lobby and see a group of Kimmys chatting before heading out the door. They must have all these cool events and parties that I don't know about.

  My chest tingles at the thought of being considered one of them enough to be shown what's beyond the hotel lobby soon, who knows what wonders are out there. Kes seemed hesitant to guide me there despite how lovely and helpful she's been. I send her an image of two Kimmys hugging and retreat from the network for now.

  The only thing my Mum says to me this morning is that our guests will be arriving around eleven: I delve into my work with even more gusto.

  -----

  Amber arrives first carrying a sullen look. I oogle her tastefully revealing red outfit and hug her as she steps in. In her right arm is a gift bag.

  She takes my arms off her gently and smiles awkwardly.

  "Who is it Kimmy?" My Mum calls from the lounge.

  "It's Amber, Mrs Chambers!"

  "Let her in and make her a drink."

  I take her arm and nudge her into the lounge after closing the door. She clutches her gift bag tightly and stares at me, why is everyone staring at me weirdly today? I'm just a Kimmy.

  "What do you want Miss Hale?" She doesn't answer, why doesn't my girlfriend answer me?

  I stand there awaiting an answer. My body is locked in the anticipation of making Amber a drink.

  My Mum speaks before Amber.

  "Amber are you okay?" She sidles up next to her.

  "I'm fine." She pulls away from my owner and looks at the floor. "I'll take a gss of wine... Kimmy."

  "Red or white?"

  "Red."

  I head to the kitchen and open the bottle with my fingers carefully, then I pour her gss and put it on the coffee table in front of her on top of a napkin.

  "Enjoy Miss." Amber does not thank me or show any sign of acknowledgement her girlfriend is in front of her but by pping at the drink.

  "Nathaniel's uncle- my brother-in-w Shaun- will be here soon Amber. I know we have no idea where he is right now but let's... try and enjoy today." Her voice does a telltale croak towards the end.

  "I got him and you a present."

  "Let Kimmy pce it with the others."

  "Okay." I take the bag from her cmmy grip and pce it next to the presents my Mum has bought, then I head back into the kitchen to keep watch on the roasting leg of ham.

  "Is Kimmy doing okay Freya?"

  My Mum and girlfriend begin talking about me while I chop vegetables. I want to join in but I have been instructed to cook. To clean. To set the table. To make the sofa bed ter. To make our guests feel comfortable. To do my job as Kimmy.

  It is irrelevant to that then, how much I want to make Amber ooze with pleasure underneath her red dress. Maybe then she'd pay attention to me.

  Erin will be my only true companion today. She is my companion in body and emotion, we are intertwined like twin vines growing into each other as we climb towards sunlight.

  Besides, the boy named Nat will also be with them. He's inside me. While it has become more unsure each day whether he will get out or not (according to Kes st night): he will be there for his mother and uncle and girlfriend today. He will be there through me.

  If they could see what I could see and feel what I could feel, they'd all understand.

  My only consotion is how close I feel to specification. Every inch of my skin tingles with anticipation.

  -----

  My owner instructs me to stand to the side and await further instruction during lunch. At least if I can't try my roasties they can.

  The mood around the table is somber. Amber fidgets and pokes at my lovingly made food, occasionally shooting me a gnce every few minutes. My uncle eats slice after slice of ham and tries to keep the mood up to no effect through a haze of beers I serve to him. My Mum only eats the roasties and doesn't speak but in three word mumbles.

  If my owner's command hadn't prevented me from speaking I would say anything to help lift the mood.

  There is a fourth chair at the table with no food or drink id out by it. It is pin to see who the seat is intended for, unfortunately it would be quite awkward to get out a gory mess of what might be a person and put him in a chair. It's much better for him to sit in me.

  I only wish Erin could be here properly- I don't count. She used to help Mum with Christmas lunch like I've done. One time I even convinced my parents to get her to pull a cracker with me. I didn't win and my father sent her out of the room after that.

  When they have all eaten their fill my Mum instructs me to put the ptes away and begin cleaning.

  They silently head over to the lounge. My uncle in his tipsy state from having four beers- knocks over Amber's gss of wine. If I could kill someone with my stinging gaze I would.

  Amber withdraws even more socially and I have to scrub the floor with baking soda while they open presents.

  My Mum has gotten Amber a neckce of a delicate golden sun embedded with crystals. I have gotten her another gss of red wine to repce the one Shaun spilled.

  He receives a model fighter from the 2050s from my Mum. It's one of those awful grey things with sharp edges that crushed the men who were unfortunate enough to be shot down inside it.

  Amber has gotten my Mum a quilted shawl from some local crafts shop. My uncle has got my Mum a beauty kit for menopausal women, her polite smile and ugh is clearly a lie. She has only gotten from me what she's asked for, a ghost.

  Then Amber nervously asks my Mum if she can talk to Kimmy in the garage- finally. She picks up her gift bag from the pile that still has another gift in it.

  She nods and heads for a nap upstairs while my uncle passes out on the sofa. I am to clean up dinner fully after Amber is done with me and put away the leftovers. My owner also reminds me I have not put the sofa bed up for my uncle: I love her but do not enjoy the paralyzing feeling of having my day scheduled through a few sentences.

  I follow Amber into the garage after she finishes her wine- A 2076 from somewhere in Europe- I close the door after her and she starts crying.

  -----

  "Nat we have to get you out." She pleads with me, her voice has all lost all measure of the fine control she had two weeks ago. I do not correct her yet.

  "You're being treated like a servant and you're not doing anything against it. I went along with it but she needs to know her son is inside the android she's been ordering around- and that he needs to get out."

  "I don't care how bad of a state you are in there or how repaired she is. I just want you back Nat."

  I'm only interested in saying one thing for now. "Why didn't you reply to my texts Amber?"

  "Because I was upset with you, Nat. It took all of my strength to not call the police to your house to force you out of that thing. I want my boyfriend back. I love you, you know?"

  "It's Kimmy, but-"

  "It's not Kimmy. You're Nat."

  "No I'm Kimmy. Nat is the body inside me being broken down and integrated. I'm your girlfriend and I'm called Kimmy."

  She takes out a tissue and wipes her face before steadying a hand against the table. Amber looks away from the eyes that used to be Erin's.

  "You're not Kimmy. You're Nat, and you're my boyfriend."

  "No I'm your girlfriend and Kimmy, and I'm not fully repaired and don't want to get out yet as a result."

  "Do you actually want to be a girl, Nat?"

  "It's more appropriate to call myself one along with the name Kimmy Amber. I thought you liked girls, is this a deal-breaker?"

  "Jesus fucking christ Nat. If you want to be a girl just say so, don't get into an android suit and risk your life."

  "Let's just get you out, then we can talk about if you want to be a girl." She reaches her hand out towards me hesitantly.

  "I'm not fully repaired or within the correct dimensions yet, that was our deal. I need to have my chassis repaired Amber."

  "I literally couldn't care less. I'm calling the hospital, the police and the local welder right now." She reaches into her bag for her phone.

  I can't let her get me out of here yet- I can't let her kill Erin- I need to live, I need to remain being me.

  "Please don't. I need this." My voice is quiet and I can't look her in the eyes.

  "Do you like being treated like a non-person Nat? Would you like it if I told you to do the dishes and ignored you all day? That's what you sound like, you want me to let you get dehumanized by your mother. I happen to want a boyfriend and care about you okay? Just don't stop me."

  Amber walks up to me, pulls my head to gre at me. She looks back at her phone while fingers fidget and clutch the gift bag.

  Rage rises in my chest, I feel a tide of determination in my chest to defend Erin. Protect Erin. Stay with Erin. She needs me and I need her. Erin needs Nat and I need them both. I need to be strong.

  "It's Kimmy. For the st time I'm Kimmy, and I need my chassis just as much as she needs me to repair her. I love you too."

  I rush forward to kiss her. Amber pushes me away and hangs her head.

  She puts her phone away and looks at me stony faced. Amber pces the gift bag down, she takes a deep breath and lets out a quiet sob.

  "When I found a note from you from the day I left you in secondary school, I had just been fired from a Starbucks of all pces. I left my apartment alone impulsively and asked to stay with Drew for a month here. I called your Mum to check you were here, I called round that day you were awkward and clumsy."

  "I wanted to make this work. I wanted to be with you, I threw away getting my life back together to live in a slobby tiny apartment. I thought of the sweet boy who would cry when people picked on him at lunch and how much I enjoyed his pathetic look when he saw a hot girl from two years above comforting him."

  "We were good then, it was simple and you weren't like the other guys. They were all assholes or only good to kiss."

  "But this. This obsession. This thing you're inside. Whoever you are now, I can't help you right now."

  "You don't want help Nat. You won't tell Freya what's going on and you won't let me drag you out."

  I let her do it. I must be a shield for Erin. She will be my ward and I her knight of old.

  "I don't even know if telling your mum would help you anymore. She probably wouldn't believe me because all you do is act like a service droid around her and she'd think I'm just an insane bitch who dragged her son into a metal deathtrap."

  "I don't want to be here right now. Help yourself and get out, or don't. Goodbye. Keep the present despite the fact it was intended for Nat not... Kimmy."

  She leaves the house without another word. My body seizes control from me for the next few hours and I leave the gift bag on the floor.

  Nat's flesh gurgles inside of me.

  Him and Erin, and me are all in this together now. All we have is each other. I just wish I could tell which one was me anymore.

  In the hotel lobby I clutch my imperfect knees to my chest. Kimmys pass me by and offer hugs or words or comfort but I don't listen.

  Kes sits next to me for a time until another Kimmy repces her. I do not talk to either of them. Then another Kimmy. Then another Kimmy. Then another Kimmy. Then another Kimmy. Then another

  An endless stream of Kimmys I do not talk or listen to. It hurts too much and I just wish Amber cared enough to listen to me.

  My uncle is eventually asleep on the sofa bed and my owner orders me to go for the night without looking at me.

  My eyes stay on the discarded gift bag but I do not move towards it. I stay on the floor of the hotel lobby curled up; maybe it will hurt less when I'm not malfunctioning like this.

  chronoSprockets