chronoSprockets

  Attempted detransition, violence, transphobia

  [colpse]

  Food isn't what it used to be, but I was reminded I needed to keep my reserves topped up. I might still have the body of a human in me to get most of my nutrients from, but according to a very stern Kimmy: it'll be completely gone one day and I should get used to having to consume things beyond my former self's body.

  The thought excites me but fills me with dread. The st reminder of who I used to be, absorbed into the folds of my chassis with nothing left to let me know he existed but for my memories. So here I am, my Mum is out and I am crushing some bread beneath my teeth to add a bit more fuel to the fire that is my existence. She's been much nicer since she let me hug her.

  I think he'd be okay with this. He might have been stubborn and anxious; but if he knew there was a brilliant light at the end of the tunnel he'd have just got his chin up and hopped in on me from the start. I don't know though, I still kind of ate his brain so he might still have had something to say about that. If being Erin means having eaten someone's brain I think I can live with that.

  His room isn't cleaned out fully yet but my Mum wants me to leave it as I did for now. When he's presumed dead by the police they'll come over and check here. She wants it to be a capsule of how he left it then.

  I wonder what the university will say. Will they hold a memorial for him? Will they name a bench after him? Will they even care? My Mum has had a local broadcast or two on the Newstream that have mentioned him the past few days but, I don't know, they don't seem to really care about him. Not like she does. Not like Amber- Nope. Nope. Nope.

  Still too raw. Still too vague and confusing.

  It's at least better than the squirming dread I've realised about my father- he can't return from his retreat ter but I think I still have over a week to figure out what to do about his eventual return. The good news is my owner would probably be on board because she married the bastard and probably knows things about him I would hate to know.

  Besides I've endured so much already, what's one more struggle?

  Despite eating my own brain and partially dissolving my own flesh I am still standing here. Maybe one day a bigger Erin will come and eat me and I'll be an even buffer and bustier android dy, such is the circle of silicon life. My "hunger" is probably sated for now as I tune into the hum of Kimmyspace, sending that thought to Kes in a file. My sisters have been teaching me more specific functions and fun things we can do the past two days, like packaging a memory into a file and sending it over the network to someone.

  Kes sends back a cssic Kes reply- a Kimmy looking away and nervously fiddling with her hands- I'll never know what she's trying to say sometimes I swear.

  I hope my Mum gets back from being out with her friend soon, she was going to order in and put a movie on. One from a few decades ago because why anyone would watch 2080s cinema apart from hardcore modern cinephiles baffles the neural sponge.

  The house informs me a car is thirty seconds away from the house and I do a double take. What if it's my father's SUV back early? I practically scream into the smart systems to get an answer and recognise Amber's number pte. Oh. Oh no?

  -----

  One thing I know is that I can't hurt humans. Whatever she's here for- hopefully to apologise- I just have my words to deal with her. And no Mum because she's fourty minutes away at a resturant on the other side of town. I don't have to let her in but... she knows more than any other human about my situation. It's dangerous not at least seeing what she wants.

  She pulls up in the drive away and I hear the familiar doorbell. I have become all too accustomed to opening the door for her. I nervously step into the hallway and read the camera outside, she's completely bare on her face and her usually lovingly washed curtain of hair is tangled and knotty. There's also her very unfttering outfit of sweatpants and a coat over a jumper: I feel pity for the state she has gotten herself into.

  She rings it again and drums her fingers on the door. She wouldn't hurt me, even if I'm a Kimmy to her. I once thought she would break a mp over my head but that's when she had zero idea of who I was. Is she here to get him out? I giggle, what a funny concept.

  As if there was anything worthy of him to get out even on Christmas day.

  I reassure myself and send a message out to the network before marching to the door. I need my focus to scope this out so I stray away from being in person yet.

  --Hi Kimmys. Amber's just come over, I'm going to see what she wants but I just want to let you all know what's going on I think. You know how she was the st time we talked.

  -Keep us updated Erin.

  --Got it.

  The door slides open and is unlocked. Amber stares at me through wild bloodshot eyes and rushes me-

  -----

  -she leaves the door open and pulls a rge knife from her coat and presses it against my throat.

  "You. I want him out of you." No no no no no no, my body freezes up. Panic starts to flood my sensors.

  "No. I told you st time he's not me anymore."

  "I know. You're just a Kimmy. I want him back from you, I know you're eating him or integrating him or whatever you're doing to him. But you're not a person are you?"

  She twists her beady eyes in front of mine. Every word feels like tumbling down a cliff edge. I could try to reach out to the network but what would they be able to do? There's a woman holding me at knifepoint.

  "So. I want him back, what's left of him. His mother deserves it- no she needs her son back."

  Amber lowers her head and puts her ear to my abdomen. I start forming an escape pn for if she lowers her knife from my throat, I just need to be able to get out of reach of her and it'll be okay. Then she can't damage my chassis.

  "Can you hear me Nat? I'm here for you, I'm your knight in shining armour."

  I decide to gamble and stall for time.

  "It's Erin now."

  "What?" She cranes her neck up and towers over me again.

  "It's Erin. That's my name and I'd like you to know it. I'm a woman and not a mindless drone like you seem to think I am."

  "You're a Kimmy. You don't have a name."

  "No I do, the boy you used to know is deep inside me now. I'm Erin and I'm all Kimmy now. Maybe we shouldn't be together because you're trying to fucking kill me but you know you could at least let me live my life." I stand my ground, she can't degrade me anymore than I've already been degraded the past week.

  "I don't think you understand what's going on here Kimmy. You won't fool me with your games anymore. Nat gave himself up to you and I should have got him out when he was blubbering at me and still you know... there."

  "I just needed to get out of my slump and realise I could just do things my way. And my way is not risking being talked down to or getting too upset to call people who would do it for me; instead just cutting through to the problem myself. It's how he and I got together, in front of your dissassembled corpse." I shudder and try not to think about the image of myself dissassembled too hard.

  "He can't help himself so he needs me to just stop pussying around and save him like he was so intent on saving you."

  "She saved herself." I make a note that Amber doesn't deserve more words from me after this and clench my fist.

  "Not well enough." She starts drumming the wall with her left hand. "If he truly loved me he would have let me pull him out the night after he fucked me so good I almost wanted him to be Kimmy forever."

  "It's okay though, he doesn't have to love me does he? He'll be a half-dissassembled corpse until he recovers. We might not end up together but at least I'll know I did my damn best to save his pathetic life."

  She reaches her left arm and pushes down on my shoulder, then pulls the knife up and scrapes the tip of the bde against my face. Then she kisses me.

  "For old times sake, Kimmy." I've never felt more repulsed by someone elses lips.

  I want to punch her monstrously pretty face off. Unfortunately I can't, so I try my best to get into the network.

  In the hotel lobby I stroke the ever so slight cut on my face and stare in terror at any of the Kimmys by me. One guides me down to a chair and strokes my hair. I met her at the party, she called herself Kimberly I think. Something tells me her serial number is not that big.

  "How do I get out of being held at knifepoint by a human?"

  "Can you activate your house's arm?"

  "Maybe, but then she might do something more erratic."

  "Okay. Can you twist yourself out of her hold?"

  "She'd cut me, more. I don't know how many it would take to kill me but I know that the knife is sharp enough to seriously damage my chassis."

  "Can you call your Mum, Erin?"

  "She's forty minutes away."

  "Can you stay calm and continue to keep us updated?"

  "Yes. That I can do."

  -----

  I've been getting better at managing my presence in two spaces at once, even if I'm currently at knifepoint and can't think much but for the stress pounding in my head.

  "So. Where is he located inside you? Abdomen? Head? I probably need his brain the most..." I curl my lip at her and think of how much more I needed it.

  "Maybe if he was here he'd be able to tell me where an android chassis would keep a human body. No time like the present to try and learn I guess?"-

  -"She's about to start." Kimberly is still here with me, the other Kimmys are keeping their distance from me. I can read the concern on their faces though.

  "Ring the arm anyway. It might startle her enough to make a break, you can do it Kimmy. Maybe it will even bring your Mum home eventually if that'll help." I nod, I won't let her let kill me and who I've always wanted to be-

  -She starts to press the knife into my face and I feel it slice through my synthetic skin, what used to be just a facepte over the boy she's hurting me for-

  -I reach into the smart systems of my owner's home and pull at the arm as fast as my reflexes allow-

  -A piercing shrill burrows it's way through the thin walls of the house. Amber momentarily loses concentration and steps back. She clutches her ears, I push myself back from the wall and start to run towards the open door-

  -"I'm almost out Kimberly."

  "Good girl Erin, don't stop running"-

  -Amber grabs my hand before I can get out the door and clutches my fingers. She pulls the knife back with other hand and runs it towards me-

  -"Fuck she's got me Kimmy I don't know what to do!"

  Kimberly squeezes my arm as I lean against the wall and panic, I wish Kes was here-

  -It scrapes the back of my uniform when Drew barges through the door carrying a cricket bat.

  She ploughs past me and I run out of the door and look back inside. She hits Amber's right hand with the bat and kicks the knife away with a trainer-

  -I colpse against the wall and heave a sigh of relief.

  "It's Drew she"-

  -"What the fuck are you doing Amber?"

  Amber snarls at her in response and sulks on the floor. She stares with contempt between Drew and me, mostly me.

  "I nearly had him."

  "You nearly had who?"

  "Nat."

  "That's a fucking Kimmy Amber, not your ex-boyfriend. I don't know what happened between you two but this is done."

  "No it's not. He needs me. He's in that thing being eaten."

  "You're out, you know."

  "What?"

  "I'm tired of you clogging up my pce and moping about your ex-boyfriend the past week."

  "Drew you've done the same about guys every minute I've known you, and you followed me to my boyfriend's house? Creepy or what."

  "At least I have a bat to deal with guys now." She tugs the colr of her hoodie. "Someone had to keep a leash on you."

  Amber tries to get up and reach for the knife but Drew presses down on her abdomen with her foot.

  "I don't know what weird shit you and Nat got up to- but it's done okay. Pack your shit and leave town." She sighs and picks Amber up by her left arm. She's stronger and stockier than her.

  Amber stares at me with gssy eyes as I dart back in and throw the knife out.-

  -I reach into the house desperately press and interface and nod and shake to try and turn it off-

  -It shuts up.

  I trace the cut on my face with my finger and know my owner will be already on her way back. There has to be a way to expin this, she doesn't need to know about a second person to have ever damaged my chassis.

  Drew shoves Amber in her car and stands on the pavement. She watches her go, then she heads to the open front door and smiles awkwardly at me.

  "Hey don't tell anyone I was here okay? I know I don't have any permissions with you but it'd be nice maybe. I don't want to get charged with assault by her family."

  "I won't Drew. Thank you for protecting me."

  "Weird Kimmy..." She stumbles off and pushes her hair back. My heroine, my knight in a hoodie carrying a cricket bat. I can't help but stare in admiration until she's out of view.

  -----

  My Mum is naturally concerned about the cut on the left side of her Kimmy's face. I break a heavy piece of gssware before she comes back and tell her I cut myself organising the gssware but don't worry- it won't happen again.

  "The arm just malfunctioned Mrs Chambers."

  She smiles nervously at this and seems to accept it, only my father knows how to access the security system properly to check. He told me that at a young age.

  The police come round but she tells them it was just a domestic incident with no need for police involvement. I believe the line she uses to get them to go away is "If you haven't managed to find my son yet, don't tell me how to run my house."- I can tell it breaks her heart to say it.

  The scar might not fully go away but it will mostly go away I hope. I've seen Kimmys with worse, I could live with it if they can.

  I've never been broken up with until the past few days. I wasn't sure if she broke up with me on Christmas but I know as of today I am done with her. She will hold no power over me as long as she stays away from me and my Mum.

  It's what I will have to tell myself until I believe it.

  She gives me a break for the rest of the day and orders herself dinner before snuggling up to watch the movie. She lets me sit on the sofa slightly away from her and zone out into Infinite Fun. She doesn't need to know where I am mentally all of the time.

  -----

  Kimberly is waiting for me at the entrance of a simuted log cabin. A backdrop of snowy peaks and pine trees surround it.

  "I'd told Kes to come over and wait for you. Are you gonna be okay?"

  "I think so. It's just a scratch."

  She pulls me in for a hug and whispers in my ear.

  "Erin sweetie, it's never just a scratch." She kisses my forehead and puts a lock of hair behind my ear.

  "Now go on, before I have to call Four away from her seaside walk to mum you two."

  I nod at her and enter. Kes is nervously stimming in a warm room that feels like one it's from a book from the twentieth century. Sofas are adorned with quilts and a log fire burns so brightly I can feel the heat nip at me. It smells of honey.

  I awkwardly walk over to Kes and reach for her hand, she takes it and clutches it tightly. It's soft but her index finger urgently taps me back and forth.

  "I'm sorry Erin. I was busy at work and-"

  "It's okay. I'm okay Kes. She's gone, Drew helped me."

  She turns her face ever so slightly towards me.

  "But, your ex-girlfriend tried to kill you, Erin..." She wipes her eyes with her other hand and fidgets with her ponytail. Kes' heels click anxiously against the wooden floor.

  "She tried to, and she couldn't." I try to pull her closer, she hesitates but lets me hold her by the forearms and looks at me with only one eye.

  "Why am I more upset than you?" She mumbles away from me.

  "I don't know. I'm not not upset with Amber. I was going to punch her face off if my body would have let me!"

  "I would pay to see that Erin."

  "Oh yeah?" I lean forward and try to match her eyes.

  "Yeah. Putting your cute little fists through a woman's face, I get the feeling some other Kimmys would too."

  "Maybe I'd just send it to you? It'd be our little secret."

  "It'd be our little secret that you killed a human?"

  "Yes. Well another one, I'm already a known conoisseur of the human body. Nor am I apparently even the first Kimmy to develop a taste for humans."

  "You're adorable you know." She fidgets with her ponytail again and looks away. "Is it okay if we just sit in silence?"

  "I'd like that Kes."

  I y my head on her soft p and just let the world outside us go by for the rest of the night.

  chronoSprockets