Jade: It’s come to my attention, Azul, that we have been contacted by Madame Urinthe for a business meeting. This month. This wouldn’t happen to be the same Madame Urinthe who sources potions ingredients to half the oceans?

  Azul: It would.

  Jade: The same Madame Urinthe who has EATEN her last three business partners for reasons such as “boredom,” and “disappointment,” and “general peckishness.” THAT madame?

  Azul: I intend to keep her supplied with snacks throughout the duration of the meeting.

  Jade: Brilliant. Tell me, when did you trade in your business acumen for a fish with a head injury?

  Azul: What on earth are you on about, Jade?

  Jade: I see you’ve reached the stage of insanity where you believe compound interest makes you immortal. Tragic, really. I shall have a small plaque made: Here Lies Azul, Eaten by His Own Schemes. Did you wake up this morning and deliberately decide to be this unhinged, or does it come naturally?

  Azul: You are syllables away from being fired, Jade.

  Jade: And yet, one of us being serious. What do you even want from her?

  Azul: Apart from a liaison with the madame who supplies half the oceans with rare, priceless ingredients? Whose name means status among the elite, including the palace royals?

  Jade: I fail to see the worth in these things.

  Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  Azul: She is also in possession of the only surviving lung-weed farm after last month’s hurricane cleared all other sources of this year’s crop.

  Jade: And?

  Azul: One of us pays attention in potions, Jade. Lungweed is the primary ingredient in the potion that keeps on land. Wearing legs. It is not just for us, but for the entirety of the dorm. I would be a poor dorm head if I did not prevent the Octavinelle student body from losing a year of study until next year’s crop comes available.

  Jade: …This requires meeting with her personally?

  Azul: It does. We are not the only competitors for the lungweed.

  Jade: I see.

  Azul: Do you Jade? DO you really?

  Jade: I would only ask how you plan to guarantee her approval. And perhaps not being eaten.

  Azul: As I said. I have prepared several snacks for the occasion, and I, myself, am a master negotiator. I intend to have secured the lungweed within the month.

  Jade:...I’m adding Floyd to this chat.

  Floyd: Why d’you need me? I was eating.

  Jade: Catch yourself up, Floyd. The Boss has a Scheme.

  Floyd: ….Am I reading what I think I’m reading? It’s happened, Jade.

  Azul: I actively fear what you are about to say.

  Floyd: Boss has reached the stage of insanity where a guy believes compound interest makes him immortal.

  Azul: Floyd.

  Floyd: Look, no offense, Boss, but you don’t exactly have a lotta ties to life. Urinthe will probably take one look at “unattached bachelor with no functional degree” and eat you out of pity. Bet if you hired a sushi chef, though, she might give the rest of us some lungweed.

  Jade: Floyd, that is brilliant.

  Azul: You are BOTH fired.

  Floyd: Nah, Boss. Not much you can do without us.

  Jade: Floyd did actually point to a decent plan. If you enter this meeting with some kind of obvious attachment, the madame would be more likely to show you pity…and perhaps even not see you as food.

  Azul: Are you suggesting that I bring…. A female companion to this meeting?

  Jade: One that you procure quite soon, as you will have to train her to not only get used to your own mannerisms, but on what is appropriate to say to the madame.

  Floyd: What, the boss talk to women? When he’s not trying to sell one something? We’re doomed.

  Azul has left the chat.