Yuu: I got this note with your number in my desk. Did you mean to give it to me?

  Azul: Indeed. I’ve found in recent days that people tend to… chafe against the conversation when I say I already have their numbers.

  Yuu: How polite. Downright considerate, even. What do you need, Azul?

  Azul: Do I have to need something to text a friend?

  Yuu: You’re right. Sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.

  Azul: It just so happens; however, that I do need something.

  Yuu: I knew it.

  Azul: I need to ask… it recently came to my attention that you’re in need of a bottle of volcanic vent ash?

  Yuu: I’m not sure if ‘need,’ is the right term. I have it on good authority that I could use charcoal as a substitute.

  Azul: Charcoal has a tenth of the power of volcanic vent ash, and the ash won’t react in the time that you need it to if you want full marks on this year’s exams.

  Yuu: Good to know. Dare I ask how you found out about this ‘need?’

  Azul: Yuu, I require your assistance with a business matter. I would be happy to compensate you in the form of any supplies that you need for your exams in the coming semester.

  Yuu: Oh dear.

  Azul: I haven’t asked for anything yet.

  Yuu: And yet, whatever it is, I know it’s going to be something…extravagant.

  Azul: Nothing of the sort, actually. I am simply generous. All I need is for you to pretend to be my significant other for the duration of next month.

  Yuu: WHAT

  Azul: It’s strictly professional. A certain… difficult associate of mine prefers to do long-term business with those in “stable, respectable relationships.”

  Yuu: Short-term won’t suffice?

  Azul: Not if I want to keep all of my limbs, and while I do have some to spare, I am regrettably rather attached to them.

  Yuu: This ‘business partner’ sounds…dubious.

  Azul: I do hope you remember that next time you’re suspicious of me. Now, about my offer? You are short on supplies, and the end of term approaches swiftly.

  Yuu: …

  Yuu: What….exactly is this relationship going to entail?

  Azul: i’m so glad you asked. We post a few pictures implying the longevity of the supposed relationship. We will of course need a text history, and I will be briefing you on the protocol of the meeting.

  Yuu: I feel romanced already.

  Yuu: So. Flirt with you for a month. Take some pictures around campus. Meet a scary business prospect that wants to disembowel you, and possibly me. I get a potions kit.

  Azul: Perhaps also free drinks at the lounge?

  Yuu: Tempting, but…

  Azul: And food.

  Yuu: The man CAN negotiate. I’m feeling better about this meeting already.

  Azul: Jade has informed me that feeding the women around me will keep me from being eaten, myself.

  Yuu: Jade’s got the spirit.

  Azul: Marvelous. It seems this ‘relationship’ will be good practice at avoiding death.

  Yuu: I’m here to help. ;)

  The Next Day:

  Azul: Yuu, this questionnaire you’ve filled out about my personality… let’s just say if it were an exam, you wouldn’t have passed.

  Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

  Yuu: Oh? Did I forget something?

  Azul: Only everything that isn’t part of my reputation.

  Yuu: Like what?

  Azul: Well, for one, do you know my favorite food?

  Yuu: …Seafood?

  Azul: Do I look like I enjoy eating my own kind?

  Yuu: Point taken. What is it then?

  Azul: You’re the one who “knows everything,” remember?

  Yuu: Feel free to lecture me on the questionnaire later. For now, I have real exams.

  Azul: You wound me, truly.

  Yuu: I’m making my OWN questionnaire, as well.

  Azul: Fair.

  Next day:

  Azul: We should have a backstory for how we met.

  Yuu: Why?

  Azul: Because people will ask.

  Yuu: Fine. How about, “I saved him from a burning building, and he’s been following me around ever since?”

  Azul: Ridiculous. No one would believe I would be helpless in a fire.

  Yuu: ...Fair. What’s your suggestion, then?

  Azul: Something simple. Perhaps we met through mutual acquaintances.

  Yuu: So boring.

  Azul: Then what would you propose?

  Yuu: We were sworn rivals who were forced to work together on a grand heist, only to realize—against all odds—that we were actually the only two people who could tolerate each other’s company.

  Azul: A heist?

  Yuu: A grand one.

  Azul: You do realize this will only encourage more questions.

  Yuu: Exactly.

  Azul: The idea is either brilliant or insufferable.

  Yuu: Why not both?

  The Following Week:

  Context: Azul insists they need to take some "natural" couple photos to show Madame Urinthe their supposed long-term relationship. They meet on the pier.

  Yuu: Azul, are you sure this is the smile you want me to use in the shots? I look like I’m about to devour someone, and I’m pretty sure that’s what we weren’t going for.

  Azul: It’s called “affectionate adoration.” It’s very in right now. You have to look like you’re genuinely enjoying being near me.

  Yuu: “Genuinely enjoying”? You look like you’re trying to figure out what tax bracket I belong in.

  Azul: It’s a subtle expression! Like a sophisticated, understated smile.

  Yuu: You’re right. It is subtle. Like you’re about to try and sell me a twenty year old car at a 24% interest rate, subtle.

  Azul: Is that what you think of me? Come now, Yuu, my deals are at least transparent, if not fair—

  Floyd: Heya, lovebirds! Wanna see the shots, or should I be filming?

  Yuu: Floyd, could you help us out here, a moment? Maybe have Azul take a picture of you and me to get a better idea of what we’re going for?

  Azul: For what purpose?

  Yuu: If you can coach me from a distance, you’ll be able to see more of you want.

  Azul: …I suppose the idea has merit.

  (Azul steps away to take a few shots, and Floyd whispers in her ear.)

  Floyd: He’d never sell anything for less than 30% interest, I’ll have you know.

  Azul: What was that?

  Floyd: Nothinnnng, Boss! C’mon shrimpy! Say Takoyaki!

  Azul: This is a disaster… Yuu, you have more chemistry with Floyd in all of these photos than with me. We look like two popsicle sticks stuck in the sand. Can’t you try to look more….affectionate?

  Yuu: You mean like this? [Yuu steps up to his side and tucks herself under his arm. She dramatically tilts head to the side, eyes wide open like a startled fish.]

  Azul:… That is NOT what I meant! That looks like you’re trying to get out of a headlock!

  Yuu: I am.

  Azul: Yuu…This is supposed to be a delicate, romantic gesture, not a public kidnapping.

  Yuu: I was trying to make you smile. Azul, any of your genuine faces are better than cold professionalism when it comes to this. It’s just—just—let my try something. Look at the camera, okay?

  Azul: You’re making me nervous, Yuu.

  Yuu: Trust me a moment, would you? Ready, Floyd?

  Azul: What—

  [Yuu suddenly pulls Azul into a playful side hug, and slides up his side enough to plant a swift kiss on his cheek.]

  Azul: Yuu!

  Floyd: Hoo, Boss! That one was a winner! Best one by far!

  Azul: Let’s call this for today. I can’t take much more sun.

  [He walks away stiffly, not letting her see his face.]

  Yuu: So stiff….