Bureaucracy From Hell: The Ultimate Boss Battle

  Fujino Tetsuya sat in front of a mountain of paperwork, his soul visibly leaving his body. He had faced off against heroes, eldritch horrors, and economy-breaking farming mechanics, but nothing compared to this.

  “So let me get this straight,” he said, voice hollow. “To legally own and operate a farm, I need to obtain—” He squinted at the form. “‘Permit 37B: Certification of Agricultural Intentions.’ Which requires ‘Form 92Q: Application for Permit 37B.’ Which itself requires ‘Proof of Residency’—which is determined by possessing a ‘Land Ownership Certificate’—which I CAN’T GET because I DON’T HAVE PERMIT 37B?!”

  Across the desk, an elderly guild bureaucrat adjusted his glasses. “That is correct, sir.”

  Fujino clutched his head. “This is an infinite loop! This is worse than an unpatched MMO questline!”

  Fiora, standing primly beside him, cleared her throat. “It’s not an infinite loop, it’s just a ‘regulatory chain of approval.’”

  Fujino pointed at her. “You just said the same thing, but with extra suffering.”

  Noele, who had come purely to enjoy his misery, casually sipped on a juice box. “Wow, I’m actually impressed. I didn’t think a demon lord could get spawn-camped by bureaucracy.”

  “I am being gatekept by paperwork, Noele,” Fujino groaned. “At this rate, I’ll die of old age before I can grow a single carrot.”

  Elvira, the ghost, who now just floated around his farm for fun, giggled. “How delightfully tragic! Your suffering fuels me.”

  “Shut up, floating error message.”

  The bureaucrat coughed. “If you find yourself unable to complete the necessary forms, there is an alternative.”

  Fujino’s ears perked up. “Finally, some reason. What is it?”

  “You may instead complete Trial 486A: The Rite of Worthy Cultivators.”

  Fujino narrowed his eyes. “I don’t like that name. What does it entail?”

  The man pulled out another scroll and read from it. “The trial consists of three parts: First, you must engage in combat with a spirit of the land to prove your strength.”

  Fujino’s eye twitched. “I’m a farmer.”

  “Second,” the man continued, ignoring him, “you must memorize and recite the 7,312 agricultural laws of this kingdom without error.”

  “I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I HAD FOR DINNER.”

  “And finally, you must complete The Labyrinth of Taxes.”

  Silence.

  “The what now?”

  The bureaucrat simply pointed. Behind the guild hall was a massive stone labyrinth. Its ominous entrance had an inscription that read: ‘Abandon hope, ye who seek deductions.’

  Fujino shot up from his chair. “You are kidding me! This is a real dungeon?!”

  “Oh yes,” the man said gravely. “Many have entered, but few emerge unscathed. Some never return.”

  “Because they die?”

  “No. Because they’re stuck in audit limbo.”

  Fujino grabbed Fiora’s shoulders. “Why didn’t you warn me about this nightmare?!”

  Fiora flipped through her notes. “I figured you’d find out eventually.”

  “I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY SUPERVISOR?!”

  Noele whistled. “This is better than I expected.”

  Fujino collapsed back into his chair. “This isn’t farming. This isn’t even an RPG sidequest. This is one of those horrible mobile game mechanics where you need a premium currency just to progress.”

  The bureaucrat nodded. “Ah yes, if you wish, you may expedite the process by paying the Fast-Track Farming Fee.”

  Fujino’s head snapped up. “How much?”

  “Only 100,000 gold.”

  Fujino’s soul left his body again.

  “Sir?”

  He twitched. “Give. Me. The. Forms.”

  And so, Fujino prepared for war—not with demons, not with heroes, but with the greatest evil known to man: Government paperwork.

  The Bureaucratic Summoning of the Land Spirit

  The moment had come. If Fujino wanted his farm to be officially recognized, he had to summon the Land Spirit and obtain her blessing.

  Which, of course, meant this was going to be an absolute nightmare.

  “Alright, let’s get this over with,” Fujino muttered, standing in a crudely drawn magic circle in the middle of his field, barefoot and dressed only in his underwear. Why? Because, according to the ‘Official Summoning Manual,’ true sincerity required being ‘as one with the earth.’

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  “Are you sure this is necessary?” Fiora asked, sipping her tea from the comfort of a shaded table.

  Beside her, Elvira and the Poltergeist Loli nodded in agreement. Noele, newly arrived and already enjoying a pastry, gave Fujino an unimpressed look.

  “You’re standing half-naked in a dirt field, Fujino.” Noele took a bite of her cookie. “This is, without a doubt, the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen you do. And I was there when you tried to make a scarecrow out of explosive runes.”

  Fujino scowled. “That would’ve worked if the crows weren’t immune to fire damage.”

  Fiora cleared her throat. “Just get on with it. I have paperwork to fill out after this.”

  Grinding his teeth, Fujino raised his arms dramatically. “O Great Spirit of the Land! I, Fujino Tetsuya, humble—”

  A bolt of lightning struck him immediately.

  “AAAAAGH!” He twitched violently before collapsing into the dirt, smoking slightly.

  Noele clapped politely. “Oh, fantastic. That’s an S-tier performance.”

  Fiora took a sip of her tea. “Electrifying, even.”

  Elvira giggled. “Do it again! That was fun!”

  Groaning, Fujino peeled himself off the ground. “Alright, so the dramatic approach is a no-go.” He coughed and dusted himself off. “Let’s try sincerity.”

  He knelt before the circle, eyes closed, hands clasped in faux reverence. “O great and beautiful land spirit, I come before you, heart exposed, soul bared—”

  Another bolt of lightning struck him.

  “AAAAAAGH!” He flopped onto his back, twitching.

  Noele leaned forward. “Hey, Fiora, what do you think his chances are of making it through this alive?”

  Fiora flipped through the official manual. “According to the guidelines, he’s allowed three more lightning strikes before ‘unfortunate spontaneous combustion’ becomes a concern.”

  Fujino, still smoking, flipped them off weakly. “You guys suck.”

  Taking a deep breath, he got back on his knees and tried one last time. “Listen, lady! I don’t know what kind of weird spirit bureaucracy this is, but if I need to flatter you to get your approval, FINE!” He jabbed a finger at the sky. “I bet you’re an absolute bombshell! A natural ten out of ten! The kind of woman who makes goddesses jealous! In fact, if I wasn’t half-dead from being FRIED ALIVE, I’d totally—”

  A pillar of golden light erupted from the circle, silencing him instantly.

  The air grew heavy. The ground trembled. And then, before them, a stunningly beautiful woman emerged, her long flowing hair the color of the richest earth, her eyes shimmering like the sunlit sky. Dressed in ethereal silks that accentuated her divine presence, she stepped forward with the grace of nature itself.

  Fujino, still on the ground, looked up at her and gasped. “Holy crap, I was right.”

  The spirit’s serene expression shifted into one of utter disdain. “You.”

  She lifted her hand.

  Lightning struck him again.

  Noele burst out laughing, nearly choking on her tea. “I swear, this is better than a stage play.”

  Fiora shook her head. “Honestly, at this point, he deserves it.”

  Elvira grinned. “I’ve never seen a human get smote this many times in a row! Keep going, keep going!”

  Fujino lay twitching in the dirt, barely clinging to life. “I hate. Everything.”

  The Land Spirit loomed over him. “State your business, worm.”

  With what little strength he had left, Fujino groaned. “Please… let me farm…”

  The spirit narrowed her eyes. Then, to everyone’s surprise, she smirked. “Make me a love poem.”

  Fujino wanted to die.

  Fiora sipped her tea. “Well, this should be entertaining.”

  Fujino groaned, laying face-first in the dirt, feeling every bolt of lightning searing through his body. His hair, now frizzed and smoking, gave him the appearance of a walking disaster. But somehow, in that moment, he understood the spirit's words.

  "A love poem, huh?" he muttered under his breath, his eyes twitching as the spirit's judgmental gaze bore down on him. "Alright, alright, let’s do this. I can totally handle this. Piece of cake."

  Love poem Lighting

  The Land Spirit smirked again, clearly amused at his misery. Noele, Fiora, Elvira, and now, unbelievably, the spirit herself had taken seats at the tea table, sipping delicately. They were watching, waiting, thoroughly enjoying the absurdity.

  Fujino wiped some dirt from his face and shakily sat up, putting on his best serious face. His eyes narrowed in determination. "Ahem... ahem... 'O divine spirit of the earth, with your roots deep in the soil…'"

  He paused, furrowing his brow. "No, that’s too basic. Let’s try again."

  He closed his eyes and clenched his fists dramatically.

  "'O radiant goddess who shines brighter than the sun, more beautiful than the mountains, your hair flowing like rivers of gold—'"

  He paused again. "Wait, this sounds like something from a bad dating sim. The one where the character's inner monologue is more detailed than the actual plot!"

  He turned toward the spirit, his face serious despite his inner frustrations. "How am I supposed to do this when every line sounds like a buggy romance script?"

  The Land Spirit remained eerily silent as she watched him struggle, though the amused glint in her eyes suggested she was enjoying his pain. Fujino continued.

  “'My love for you is like… like… a force of nature!'"

  He froze mid-sentence. "No, that’s even worse. It's like the protagonist of a really poorly-written visual novel."

  Noele leaned forward, taking another sip of her tea, watching with bated breath. “Ooh, it’s getting good. Is he gonna get it this time?”

  Fiora, her eyes closed as she enjoyed her pastry, muttered casually, “Honestly, he might be better off making it a rap at this rate.”

  Fujino’s face went deadpan, and his expression became the very embodiment of despair as he began to mutter the next line with the seriousness of someone about to face an existential crisis.

  "‘My love for you is so great, it could fill the entire cosmos, sweeping away mountains and seas—"

  He paused. "Nope, that's still a total miss."

  “Fujino,” Fiora called from the tea table. “Can you please just finish the poem? I have a mountain of paperwork waiting for me.”

  Fujino shook his head. “I’m not writing another bug-ridden date sim script just for your entertainment!”

  Elvira laughed. “I can’t wait to see how this ends. This is like watching someone get trapped in their own terrible choices.”

  The spirit’s eyes narrowed, but she remained silent.

  Fujino sighed, deciding to give it one last go, staring at the ground in determination.

  "‘O magnificent spirit of land and soil, with your graceful power to shift the earth beneath me, let me be your humble servant in the fields, and my love for you shall be—”

  The ground beneath him trembled, and in an instant, a pillar of lightning shot straight at him.

  "AAAAAAAGH!" He screamed, falling backwards into the dirt again.

  Noele chuckled, clapping her hands. "Oh, that was perfect. S-tier.”

  Fiora sighed, shaking her head but still grinning. “Well, at least this was quicker than I expected.”

  The Land Spirit’s voice cut through the air like a sharp blade. "You’ve earned your one chance, mortal. Now… finish this ridiculous task.”

  Fujino, twitching on the ground, looked at her with pure, soul-crushing exhaustion in his eyes. “...Fine.”

  He wiped the dirt off his face once again, now utterly resigned. “‘Your beauty is like the stars, the moon, the eternal dawn—’”

  Another bolt of lightning shot out, striking him for the final time.

  "AAAAAAAGH!"

  "Bravo," the spirit deadpanned, as though mocking his suffering. “Now, I’ll allow you to farm Mr Ex Demon lord. But next time, try reading the real official manual. It has a much better template for your love poems."

  Fujino lay there, twitching in agony. "I. Hate. Everything."

  The spirit turned away, but before she vanished, she glanced back and added, "You’ve got potential, though. Maybe try ‘going steady’ with the land next time, hmm?"

  And with that, she disappeared in a swirl of golden light.

  Fiora, Noele, and Elvira all watched her go, still sipping their tea, as if nothing unusual had occurred.

  “Well, that was one for the books,” Noele said, taking another bite of her cookie.

  “I have never seen anyone fail this hard at a date sim,” Elvira added, giggling. “Fujino’s suffering could practically be a series."

  Fiora merely shrugged, looking at the remains of the smoking, half-baked hero. “He’ll survive. Probably.”

  Fujino, his body smoking, simply muttered, "This is it. This is the moment I quit everything."