The Infernal Harvest Begins

  Fujino Tetsuya stood on his newly blessed farmland, arms crossed, glaring at the pompous man in front of him. Dressed in an overly elaborate coat with gold trimmings and clutching a clipboard like it contained the secrets of the universe, the Agricultural Guild Inspector radiated an aura of bureaucratic self-importance.

  "Mister Tetsuya," the inspector began, adjusting his monocle, "before we proceed, I must inform you that you currently hold a one-hour temporary farming permit. If you wish to extend it, you may either pull from the Permit Gacha for a chance at a longer duration or pay the standard extension fee."

  Fujino's left eye twitched. "I have to gamble for my right to farm?"

  "It's all about fairness," the inspector said smugly. "Now, before we proceed, where is your Sacrificial Potato?"

  Fujino blinked. "My what?"

  The inspector sighed, marking something on his clipboard. "According to Agricultural Subsection 42B, Paragraph 8, all first-time farmers must present an offering to the Harvest Spirits in the form of a perfectly cultivated potato, grown on-site, and blessed at dawn by a legally certified priest."

  Fujino's eye twitched harder. "How am I supposed to grow a potato when you haven't even approved my farm?"

  The inspector frowned as if this was the stupidest question he had ever heard. "That sounds like an excuse."

  From the shade of a nearby tree, Fiora, Noelle, and Elvira sipped tea, watching the spectacle unfold.

  "I give him five minutes before he loses it," Noel muttered.

  "Three," Fiora corrected, taking a dainty sip.

  "What kind of idiot system is this?!" Fujino exploded, throwing his arms up. "I need the farm permit to grow the potato, but I need the potato to get the farm permit?! That's a logical paradox!"

  "Rules are rules," the inspector said smugly, marking another red X on his form.

  Fujino took a deep breath. "Fine. What else do you need to approve this cursed farm?"

  The inspector flipped through his clipboard. "Soil composition report. Aesthetic farm layout. Proof of divine favor. And, of course, a compliance check with the Department of Seasonal Harmony."

  "That last one isn't real."

  "It is now."

  Fujino exhaled slowly, mentally counting backward from ten. "Alright. You want divine favor? Fine. I summoned the Land Spirit. She's right there." He pointed to where the Land Spirit, an ethereal beauty draped in shimmering silks, reclined at the tea table, clearly enjoying herself.

  The inspector looked unimpressed. "Mmm. Yes, but does she approve of your farm?"

  The Land Spirit delicately sipped her tea before meeting Fujino's pleading gaze. She smiled.

  Then, all of his crops immediately withered into dust.

  Fujino's soul left his body. His face contorted into the classic anime despair expression, complete with dark shading and hollow eyes. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

  Noelle clapped politely. "Ooooh, a full-wipe crop failure. Classic!"

  The Land Spirit tilted her head innocently. "You never properly apologized for your disrespectful summoning ritual."

  Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

  "I WAS ELECTROCUTED NUMEROUS TIMES!"

  "And yet, here you are," she mused, taking another sip of tea.

  "Oh, don't act all high and mighty! You've been sitting there drinking tea like this is some kind of reality show! What kind of Land Spirit actively sabotages her own land?!"

  She placed a delicate hand on her chest. "Sabotage? My dear mortal, I merely let nature take its course. If your crops are weak enough to perish under my gaze, perhaps you should reconsider your career choices."

  Fujino ground his teeth. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I signed up for a farming roguelike where the Land Spirit was the final boss. Should I be grinding XP before planting cabbage next time?!"

  She smirked. "A fascinating idea. Perhaps I should implement that requirement."

  "YOU'RE MAKING THIS WORSE ON PURPOSE!"

  The inspector tsked. "Unapproved spiritual interference detected. Another strike, Mister Tetsuya."

  Fujino collapsed to his knees, staring blankly at the sky. "I'm going to die here."

  The Sacred Bovine Ritual & The Ultimate Robbery

  Fujino remained on his knees, lifelessly staring at the sky, while the inspector cleared his throat with bureaucratic importance.

  "Mister Tetsuya, before we proceed, we must process your livestock registration."

  Fujino groaned. "I don't own any livestock."

  The inspector's monocle gleamed. "Then you must perform the Sacred Bovine Summoning Ritual."

  Fujino squinted. "Why do I feel like this is going to be humiliating?"

  The Land Spirit, swirling her tea, smiled. "Oh, don't worry, it is uniquely suited to you."

  The inspector unfurled a golden scroll, ancient runes glowing with divine authority. "To summon one's destined cow, the summoner must—" he adjusted his monocle—"strip to their undergarments, crawl on all fours around the Land Spirit, and moo reverently."

  Silence.

  Fujino's eye twitched. "I refuse."

  The inspector cleared his throat. "The law—"

  "I REFUSE."

  Fiora sighed as if witnessing something beneath her. "A fitting ascension. From a lowly worm to a cow. Barely an improvement."

  Noelle smirked. "Honestly, I thought he'd stay in the insect category forever. Progress?"

  Elvira giggled. "If he moos properly, maybe he'll unlock a Hidden Moo Skill!"

  Fujino clenched his fists. "I swear on all things unholy, if I go through with this, I better get a legendary cow."

  The Land Spirit rested her chin on her hand, eyes twinkling. "Do your best, little calf."

  Gritting his teeth, Fujino stripped down to his underwear.

  "OH GODS, MY EYES!" Noelle cackled, covering them in fake horror.

  "Such a tragic display," Fiora sighed.

  Elvira hummed. "I didn't know suffering could take physical form."

  Ignoring the peanut gallery, Fujino got on all fours and began his slow, agonizing crawl.

  "Moo."

  He could hear Noelle choke on laughter.

  The Land Spirit smirked. "Louder."

  Fujino shut his eyes and growled. "MOO."

  He circled her, his pride disintegrating with each movement.

  "Good form," the inspector commented, making notes.

  "I'm going to kill you all."

  "Cows don't speak," the Land Spirit teased.

  Grinding his teeth, Fujino finished his crawl and collapsed. "There. Done. Give me my damn cow."

  The scroll glowed violently, magic surging into the sky. A mighty BOOM echoed as a celestial rift opened—

  And from the heavens descended his summoned cow.

  It had six legs, two heads, and glowing red eyes. It levitated. It radiated an aura of unholy mystery.

  A golden notification shimmered in the air.

  CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE SUMMONED: MOOTRON, THE INTERDIMENSIONAL BEAST OF GRAZING.

  Everyone took a step back.

  Fiora blinked. "What… is that?"

  Noelle gasped in awe. "It's so… majestic."

  Elvira wiped a tear. "A true bovine of chaos."

  Fujino, still on the ground, wheezed. "I did all that… and my cow looks like a final boss."

  The inspector, unfazed, snapped his clipboard shut. "Excellent. That concludes the summoning."

  Fujino let out a deep breath. "Finally."

  The inspector smiled. "Now, about the gacha fee."

  Fujino blinked. "Wait. Fee?"

  The inspector's grin widened. "The mandatory fee for summoning livestock."

  Fujino's stomach dropped. "H-how much?"

  "Oh, no worries. Since you didn't prepay, we'll just seize an equivalent value of goods."

  Before he could protest, guild workers ripped his lone apple tree from the ground.

  "WAIT. THAT WAS MY ONLY TREE."

  They ignored him.

  They then confiscated his only bag of seeds.

  "My farm is already EMPTY, YOU CAN'T TAKE MORE!"

  The inspector snapped his fingers. "Ah, almost forgot—your clothes."

  "WHAT?!"

  "You used them as collateral."

  Fujino paled. "I—wait—no—I didn't—"

  The workers took his pants.

  Then his shirt.

  Then—

  "WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, I'M STILL WEARING THOSE—"

  With cold efficiency, his underwear was confiscated.

  Fujino stood there, completely naked, as the inspector made a final note. "Payment received. Congratulations on your farm registration."

  Fiora stared, unimpressed. "This is just sad."

  Noelle gave him a slow clap. "Bravo. No farm. No crops. No dignity. Just a cursed cow and shame."

  Elvira smirked. "It's rare to see negative progress."

  The Land Spirit, grinning ear to ear, elegantly sipped her tea. "Ah… What a lovely ritual."

  Fujino trembled, fists clenched.

  "I'M GOING TO KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU."