Lorelei was somewhat comforted that, regardless of what else had happened to the world since the integration, some things in life had stayed constant. For example, the shop assistant in Pandora was instantly, aggravatingly pushy the moment anyone stepped through the door.
"Just looking for the moment," she said in reflex.
Behind the counter, the small, green woman smiled widely back and beckoned Lorelei over. "Browse all you like. But I think I have exactly what you are looking for here!"
Curious, Lorelei walked to the glass-fronted counter, which was filled with all manner of charms, bracelets, earrings, and rings. Glancing around, she could see that the walls of the small store were lined with identical cabinets, floor-to-ceiling, all equally chockful. The whole place was crammed with shiny merchandise, but it was actually beyond the point of being merely cluttered. Lorelei couldn't imagine buying anything from the shelves and cabinets without causing a significant Jenga-style incident.
Lorelei had a moment when she really, really wanted to pick at that scab, but then she remembered she was currently hiding out from murderhobos, so it seemed sensible that she let this one slide. You didn't need to swing at every pitch.
Moving her attention back to the dimly lit end of the shop - someone had been watching the opening moments of Gremlins for inspiration, hadn't they? - it appeared that business must have been very slow that day. Despite the crowds outside, Lorelei was the only customer in the shop.
Reaching the front of the store, she reluctantly shook the assistant's offered hand. As well as being green, the woman's skin had the texture of boiled leather. It wasn't quite like she was in the presence of a very well-dressed and put-together Kermit, but neither was it too far away.
"NPCs?"
There was a pause
"That's fine," Lorelei said, glancing at the small, elderly goblin. "I'm probably in the market for a rebound shag in the near future, but I'm happy to confirm I'll be sticking to those of my own species. Unless there are Elves. Are there elves?"
The silence from the Guide suggested that Lorelei was back on her own for a bit. Gertrude was looking up at her with a faraway expression in her eyes that suggested a question had been asked that had not been responded to.
"Sorry, what was that?"
Gertrude cocked her head to the other side like a confused bird. "I have just what you are looking for here!"
Three items appeared, as if by magic, on the top of the glass cabinet the Goblin Merchant was standing behind. Each was presented, rather attractively to Lorelei's mind, in a blue velvet gift box and shimmered with an inner glow. Lorelei leant forward to pick up the first of the items, with Gertrude making soft 'yes, yes, look at the precious!' vocalisations as she did so. As soon as she touched it, its full description rolled through her mind.
Lorelei felt herself mentally go 'meh'. More Intellect was obviously a good thing, but wasn't 2 a little underwhelming in the grand scheme of things? And the 'buff' felt a little bit like the Guide was wilfully taking the piss. Carefully, she replaced it in its box - trying not to react to Gertrude's mewling sadness - and picked up the second option.
"No, thank you," Lorelei said, replacing the ring almost immediately. She was beginning to understand why Pandora's Box was doing virtually no trade in a packed building. Gertrude's swag was shite.
Having her expectations about as low as they could be, Lorelei removed two little earrings studded with diamonds from their blue box and held them upwards. As she did so, the Goblin Merchant's loud cooing became reminiscent of a Velociraptor's battle cry.
Well, that all seemed like a bit of a no-brainer, Lorelei thought. Of the only three items Pandora's Box seemed to stock—and if she looked too carefully at the rest of the store, she could see where the same sections repeated again and again—the earrings were the only thing any good at all.
"How much?"
Gertrude regarded her with an almost orgasmic longing. "You would like to buy these, dearie?"
Lorelei nodded. "Yes, please. I don't see a price anywhere?"
"Four hundred gold!"
Call it her years working within the cut-throat corporate environment, but something about Gertrude's bugged-out eyes and expression of lascivious greed made Lorelei think that might not have been quite the Goblin Merchant's best offer. "How about -" Lorelei paused, looking around for anything that might give her a sense of how much things should cost in this brave new world - "thirty silver?"
Gertrude's head moved back and forth briefly, eyes glazed over as her lips moved. "What about sixty silver, and I throw in a free build consultation?"
Lorelei was so taken aback by the unexpected and helpful advice that she did not know what to say. She assumed the Guide was taking the piss in some way, but she couldn't see the angle. Willing to push her luck further, she asked what a 'free build consultation' was.
"Fair enough," Lorelei nodded encouragingly to Gertrude. "Sold. One pair of earrings and one build consultation, please."
There was a loud 'kerching', and Gertrude was immediately replaced by the literal embodiment of the collected spirits of every second-hand car salesman who had—hopefully—all met a violent end in the last few hours.
He was, presumably, called Wayne.
"Hello, love. Looking fierce in those earrings! I understand you're in the market for a quick consultation? Shall I get up under your hood and have a rummage around?" Lorelei might have felt more warmly disposed towards him if he'd sounded more helpful and less . . . rapey.
Reflecting that she'd had the same response to her school's Career Advisor - maybe there was a type? - Lorelei followed the Guide's advice and pushed her stat sheet towards the man in the painfully shiny suit.
The second the ticker tape of stats stopped flowing through Lorelei's mind, the man facing her smiled and cleared his throat. He took up an odd little stance, feet more than shoulder width apart and gesticulated wildly as he spoke. It was all a bit disorientating.
“Ah, [Lorelei Norton], standing on the cusp of Level 5. Bravo, kid, bravo! Now, let’s kick the tires and take a little gander under the hood of your current build, shall we?
First off, let’s talk about what’s going right—your highlights, if you will. Numero Uno, that
Next up, let’s take a look at your Spirit stat. Now, I gotta hand it to you, you’ve done well here. With that Vigilante title and those [Earrings of the Lucky Gambler], your Spirit is as high as a balloon at a kid’s birthday party. You’re practically floating, and that’s no joke. Having this baby cranked up should make your spells pack a bit more punch, and that extra mana boost? Oh, that’s the icing on the cake. Nice work there, kiddo.
And last but not least, let’s chat about your Critical Hit Chances. Thanks to your fancy gloves, that double-headed coin of yours, and those snazzy earrings, you’ve got a Critical Strike chance that’s not too shabby at all. You might even hit something important once in a while. Not bad, not bad at all.
But—and here’s where we take a little detour down Criticism Avenue—there are some bumps in the road we need to address.
First up, you’re lagging behind the pros. No need to sugarcoat it, darling—you’re more of a charming underdog in this integration. And as much as everyone loves a good underdog story, let’s be real: this is a world full of turbo-charged hares, and you’re playing the tortoise. Problem is, in this situation, slow and steady doesn’t win the race. Slow and steady gets left in the dust, or worse—ends up as roadkill.
Secondly, we need to have a serious chat about your Health and Mana. I’m gonna be straight with you: you’re about as sturdy as a wet tissue in a hurricane, and your mana pool? Let’s just say you’ve got enough to keep you casting, providing your opponent takes a nice long coffee break between attacks. It’s a miracle you’ve made it this far without keeling over. I’m sure you’ll always have time to regen thoroughly in the heat of battle, right? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
And lastly, I’m afraid I gotta mention your fashion sense—or lack thereof. Look, darling, I get it—apocalypse and all that—but you really need to pick a vibe. Right now, it’s all a bit ‘thrown together in the dark’ meets ‘last chance clearance sale.’ You’ve got the potential, but you’re not exactly turning heads for the right reasons.
So, what’s my advice for you moving forward? Well, let me drop some real gems on you here, sweetheart.
And here, an odd tone came into Wayne's voice, as if someone - a female someone, perhaps - was adding their own voice to things. Embrace the chaos, my dear Lorelei. Lean into your randomness and let the dice roll. You’re a delightful mix of potential and unpredictability, and that’s your secret weapon. With more experience (and maybe some gear that doesn’t look like it was salvaged from a dumpster fire), you’ll be surprising everyone—including yourself. And remember, every underdog story needs a few good plot twists, so don’t shy away from taking those risks. Keep pushing forward, because the only way out of this mess is straight through it. You’ve got the grit, now let’s see the glory.
With that, the second-hand car salesman—a slick grin still plastered on his face—dissolved into a puddle on the floor of Pandora’s Box, leaving Lorelei standing all alone.