2008

  It was the start of a normal day. The cool, crisp smell of the winter breeze blew through my window, it gave me chills as I woke up. I had always loved the smell of winter. The days smelled so clean and new with the fresh snow sitting lightly on the ground from the snowstorm form the previous night. The snow was so bright and sparkles as the morning sun was reflecting off of it. The squirrels and the rabbits haven’t soiled it yet. That was the best part of winter, the feeling of a fresh new day after the new snow arrived. That feeling, it was going to be a good day.

  Still in a pajama shirt and pants, I went up to the window and put my head out of it. I breathed in the fresh air of winter and said my morning prayers. I thanked God that I woke up safe and sound. Praying that today would be a great day like it always was before. I breathed in again but this time it was interrupted. The fresh smell of bacon came from the kitchen window directly downstairs.

  I rushed downstairs and greeted Mother and my little sister, Jenny. I sat next to Jenny as she inhaled her French toast. If anything got in the way of my sister and her food, she would have a full meltdown that consisted of bursting into tears and throwing things. In my opinions, I didn’t think she would have done that. It was unreasonable and childish.

  Mother set down a plate in front of me that contained two bacon slices, scrambled eggs, and French toast. Jenny was chewing up her French toast as loud as she could as she bragged that it was her third serving this morning.

  She always seemed to wake up before me even though she threw a fit every night, protesting against her bedtime. How she fell asleep after me and woke up before me always had me confused. She was so energetic and full of happiness even thought she got like four hours of sleep every night. I could not understand where all that energy came from.

  I’ve been told that I act like an old man when I wake up. Dad and Mother used to tell me that I should be full of energy when I wake up but I always seemed to feel grumpy. I was usually quiet and grumpy but today felt different. Today felt like a good day and I’ll take that over a bad one any time.

  Eggs and bacon create a smiley face on top of the French toast. Mother always tried to make breakfast fun for us. Later in life when I found out that other kids’ parents didn’t do that, I appreciated when she was going a lot more.

  “Good morning, Connor,” Mother smiled and planted a kiss on top of my head.

  “Good morning, Mother. Can we go sledding after school today?” I asked.

  Sledding was one of my favorite things to do in the winter. The feeling of the cold wind piercing my cheeks woke me up so fast. Adrenaline would pump through my veins as I go so fast down the hill. Sometimes when there was ice and I would go even faster, I could scream from pure joy. It felt like I was flying.

  Jenny was too scared to go down the hill by herself but she liked sledding just as much as me. Sometimes I was even nice enough to let her sled with me instead of Mother but Jenny would just scream in terror the whole time. It annoyed me sometimes but she was a baby and I had to make sure she was okay and protect her.

  “Only if you and Jenny promise to finish your homework first,” Mother replied.

  Jenny and I both agreed to her terms and went on eating our breakfast. Mother went out of the kitchen and then Jenny turned in her seat so that she could face me.

  “Hey Connor, want to play those jokes we do on Mather again this morning?” Jenny asked.

  I gave her a sly grin.

  We quickly gobbled down the last of our breakfasts and ran to our usual spot underneath the stairs. I thought it was originally used for storage but Mother never put anything in there. It always smelled dusty, but after a little while of Jenny and I sneaking dessert in, it smelled a little bit better. Jenny and I sat under the stairs, waiting for Mother to notice.

  ____

  “Come on children, time for school. You are going to be late for the bus,” Mother yelled.

  Jenny and I looked at each other and silently laughed. We always liked to play hide and seek with Mother right before school. We would always bet each other’s lunch dessert if we could guess how angry she got. If Jenny won. I would tell her that I didn’t mean the bet and that I get to keep my dessert but when I won then I would tell her that there was to backsies on betting desserts. She hadn’t caught on to my trickery and I would hope she never did.

  “I’m not playing around today. I have a meeting this morning. Let’s go!” Mother yelled again.

  My mother would always pace around the kitchen when she was angry. She then would start slamming things on the kitchen counter. She wouldn’t slam things so hard that things would break but she would still slam things pretty hard. We would always test out luck on how long we could wait until she started threatening our fun activities for the day. This time she had an evil grin on her face as if she was planning her revenge at that very moment.

  “Okay, if you guys want to play this game today then we will not go sledding and I will take away your dessert in your lunches. No more cookies for you,” she threatened.

  My sister and I looked at each other. Our faces grew worried and we panicked. We knew that we had to do to save the homemade chocolate chip cookies that we made the night before. We both ran out from under the stairs, went around the corner to meet Mother, and yelled we were ready. Both of us were relieved that we saved the highlights of our day. Mother had a grin on her winning face.

  Just in time, we see the bus roll up to our house as it always does. My sister and I got on the same bus to go to school. She was in first grade while I was in second grade. As we got on the bus, we said our routine ‘hellos’ to the bus driver as he closed the doors.

  Mr. Rogers, the bus driver, was a sweet old man. He would always help kids when they were anxious to go to school or stood up for kid who got bullied at the back of his bus. He had these bright blue eyes you would never forget. They were genuine and kind and he would always sing something about how it was a beautiful day in the neighborhood and something like that.

  We always sat in the front, because we felt safe with Mr. Rogers, and waved to our mother goodbye. She always made sure to blow a kiss for her goodbye as she was sending her love to us to have an amazing day at school. I had hoped that she would never stop doing that. It made me feel like the day was going to get better and that if it wasn’t then I could come home and be safe in her arms.

  I turned to Jenny.

  “What did you write on your Christmas list?” I asked my sister. It was 11 days before Christmas and I just could not stop thinking about how it was my favorite holiday. I loved making holiday cookies for Santa to eat. Setting up the Christmas tree and putting ornaments on it with Christmas music in the background while waiting for the Christmas cookies to cool, was one of my favorite memories.

  I loved having a snowfall fight with my father after we made snow forts. My sister always wanted to join in but every time a snowball got thrown at her, she would cry. That’s when we had to stop because she would always complain about not being included but when she cried, all the fun was sucked out of it. She annoyed me sometimes. I wished that sometimes she didn’t want to do everything I was doing. I wanted to do my own things.

  I loved waking up at 6 am jumping on my parent’s bed telling them Santa came and ate all the cookies and opening the presents shortly after my parents got their coffee. Everyone was happy during those times and I loved seeing everyone with grinning faces when the opened their presents.

  Then one day we were all eating dinner at the table together. Jenny was crying and not eating the food that Father was trying to get her to eat. It was the first time I have ever heard him yell at someone and it was really scary. After Father yelled at Jenny, she started crying loudly. Father slammed his fists on the dining table and walked fast to the other room and Mother followed him. I couldn’t hear them and I think they were whispering. Then all of a sudden I head Mother saying Father’s name which was followed shortly by a scream and yelled at me to get the phone. She called 911 and the ambulance came and picked him up in a bed when wheels. The last time I saw Father alive was him grabbing his chest and a painful look on his face. Mother drove us to the hospital where the ambulance took Father. After sitting in a room full of chairs, for what felt like forever, a doctor came out and pulled Mother to the side. He told her things I couldn’t hear but when she covered her face and screamed a scream I will never forget, I knew that I was fatherless.

  After my first-ever funeral, Mother took us home and went on a call with someone on her way up to her room. I still don’t know who it was but I heard her yell at someone saying he was the healthiest person she has ever known.

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  After she got off the phone, she turned around and jumped. I guess she didn’t know I was behind her. I asked her what happened to Father. She told me to sit down on the bed. He told me that Father’s heart wasn’t working right and that the doctors couldn’t fix it in time. I asked her why the doctors couldn’t fix it in time and she just started crying and kicked me out of her room.

  Christmas has been different since my father passed away. He died four years after Jenny was born. She would always ask id she was the reason that Father died and Mother always had to reassure her that it was not her fault and there was nothing she could have possibly done to cause our Father to die. That was not what I thought. I thought that if she was eating her food then his heart wouldn’t have stopped working and we would still have a father.

  Even though I was young, I had to mature very quickly and keep an eye on Mother and Jenny. I felt like because I was the only man in the house now, I had to take care of everyone. I couldn’t get a job at my age but I sure could protect everyone. And I swore to do it until the day I died. I sued to hide my knight swords around the house in case anyone tried to break into the house. I would practice the fighting skills that I was when I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I could even do a whole push-up that made me realize I was strong enough to protect my family.

  When Father died, a part of Mother died with him. She would just lay in her bed and never came out of her room. Sometimes at night, Jenny and I would get woken up by her whaling out Father’s name. During the daytime, Jenny and I would walk into the room asking for food or help with something. Mother would just stare at the wall or the ceiling. She seemed like she never head us. We didn’t feel ignored. We felt terrified. We weren’t sure what to do with Mother not talking to use or caring for us.

  My grandmother had to come over and make us meals for about a week before she started staying the night. I had to reassure Jenny because she was young and wasn’t sure what was happening. I lied to her and told her that I knew that everything was going to be okay. The thing was, I didn’t know what was going on with Mother and I wasn’t sure if anything could fix it.

  I was hiding in the hallway after Jenny fell asleep upstairs when I heard Grandmother say to Mother, “Miranda, I know losing your husband was sudden. I loved Jason too. I am devastated that he is gone but if he saw you right now he would be disappointed in you. You abandoned your children. He would have told you to be strong and parent for the both of you, not to leave then alone. If I didn’t come here, they would be dead because no one would cook them anything to eat. You’re lucky I came to check on you all these days. Now, I am not tell you to get over this. I am telling you to stay strong and get up. Show Jason that you can be the best parent out there. Get up, take a shower, come join us for a family meal, and start getting back into the groove of things. I believe in you Miranda and I always will. You can do this. I love you very much.”

  After that, Mother was back into our lives and Jenny stopped asking why Mother was crying all the time. It took Mother some time to start talking again but it finally came and we were a family again. Grandmother came to our house less and less every week. Every once in a while, Grandmother does still come to check up on us but not so much anymore.

  “I told Santa I wanted a rainbow unicorn that could fly me anywhere,” Jenny said a big grin on her face. Jenny had been fascinated with unicorns for a little over a year. She kept begging and begging for my mother to paint her room pink with glitter all over it and make her ceiling rainbows. She said she wanted to become a unicorn farmer and Jenny replied So I can have an army of them and can rule the world. I though unicorns were weird and creepy. And that Jenny’s want to rule the world was dumb.

  “Jenny, unicorns aren’t real. You have to ask for something that could exist,” I said with a snarky attitude. I always criticized Jenny for not seeing reality. How could she be so dumb and think that unicorns are real?

  Sometimes I would look back and tell myself that I should have let her use her imagination. She wasn’t the broken one, I was.

  “Oh yeah? I’ll prove it to you. When Christmas comes, a big unicorn will be under the tree just for me. You won’t be allowed to ride it because you are a boy. Only girls are allowed to ride unicorns,” she paused and look out the window. Then she turned toward me again after she figured out I wasn’t going to argue with her. “What did you ask for Connor?” she asked with wide eyes.

  “Well, I asked for a new art box. Ones that have colored pencils, and crayons, and lots and lots of paper,” I said.

  I loved drawing very much. I drew a lot of flowers for my mother for her to hang on the fridge and a lot of dog pictures for my father to hang up in his office when he was alive.

  Sometimes I drew pretty princesses for Jenny. She loved them so much that she wanted to dress up like a princess for school but my mother told her she needed to be a princess in hiding for now. Mother said that if any of Jenny’s friends found out she was a princess they would only be friends with her because she is royalty and not because of who she was. Mother told Jenny that she needed to find friends that were her real friend. After she has friends, she could show them that she was a pretty princess.

  The bus stopped right in front of the school entrance. The front doors were full of kids and other buses that were dropping of students. Mr. Rogers opened the doors and we all got off the bus in a single file line. I always went first in case Jenny fell, then I could catch her. I wouldn’t want Jenny to lie to Mother and tell Mother that I pushed her.

  “Have a good day at school, kids. I will see you after school,” Mr. Rogers said. He was always so lovely and genuine. When we would get back on the bus after the school day, he would always ask how our day was and when we told him that our days was good, he would smile and say he was glad that we had a good day at school.

  We all got into the school and walked toward our classrooms.

  “Remember to meet me in our usual spot Jenny,” I reminded.

  “I will,” she said as she walked with some of her friends into the classroom and gave her teacher a nice good morning.

  I went to do the same. I found my two best friends, Niko and Alex, who were my neighbors at the time, in the hallway waiting for me. Niko was taller than kids our age with dark skin with black loose curls on the top of his head. He would always ask Alex and me to some over to his house and play football or baseball with him. The last time we did that was a couple of months ago. We had a stop because we accidentally hit the ball into his living room window. It was Alex’s fault.

  Alex was shorter and rounder with straight red hair. He was the clumsy one out of us. He would always drop something or break something in our houses. Our parents told us we had to start only playing outside so he wouldn’t break anything in our houses. Now, we only play at the park. Jenny always wanted to come but we told her that she couldn’t because boys rule and girls drool. She would always run back into the house crying to Mother and that was when we ran to the park. After I came back to the house, I would always get in trouble.

  Niko, Alex, and I met up in the hallway and headed into the classroom together. As we walked through the door frame, we said our routine warm greetings to our teacher and sat in our assigned seats. We used to sit next to each other but then we couldn’t stop talking to each other so the teacher had to separate us. I thought it wasn’t fair. I thought she was trying to be mean to us for no reason at all. We were just having fun. It’s not like we were fighting. I was in the front on the left near the counter where we would hand in our assignments, Niko was in the front on the right near the windows out to the parking lot, and Alex was in the back in the middle bu the play area and the toys. The more I thought about it, the more I saw that we formed a triangle.

  I thought to myself that I was going to like that day. We were learning how to write cursive and I couldn’t wait to write and show Mother what I learned that day. I imagined showing her what I wrote and hugging me and taking the piece of paper I showed her and her hanging git up on the fridge. I showed it off to anyone who walked into the house. I imagined it being there until I went to college and then taking it and hanging it on my fridge in my own house. It had to be the greatest accomplishment. I would have ever made in my entire life.

  In my future house, there is going to be a whole fridge only for my drawings and pictures. Then when I have kids I will buy another fridge just for them to hang stuff they did in school.

  A minute before the bell was going to ring. I would think about things I would write in cursive. I would think of writing something nice for Mother to take with her to work. Maybe I could write her a note for Christmas. Then, I could ask Mother if I could write a note for Santa got when he comes and eats the cookies and drink the milk we give out. I thought that was a great idea and decided that was what I was going to do.

  The bell rand and out start to a pretty normal day had begun.