“Pssst! Pssst! Psssssst!” The muffled sound came repeatedly now.

  I spun my little eyeball on gooey tendrils around, trying to locate the source of the sound. It seemed like it was ing from inside my head, which wasly a new experiene. But this was different from my own insane monologue. This voice had a sense ency but didn’t sound like me, unless I’ve got a split personality I don’t know about. I mean, ha! I’m not that crazy or anything, am I?

  “PSSST!”

  Who the hell keeps psssting me?

  The variety of colors from Mana Focus didn’t quite match what I’d expect; hues on objects looked like wafting wisps or blotches of paint, reminding me of something I had seen in a film once. What was it? What Dreams May e, I think. You know, the oh the GOAT, Robin Williams, about the afterlife, where his heaven was made out of literal paint. Anyway! I was still having a bit of a hard time with it, so I tur off a back to Thermal. As the other skill activated, I gnced around, searg for anything glowing white… turns out, there was a lot of stuff with warmth in the cavern, uhe cold chamber I had e from. Though, nothing nearby, except—that’s when I saw it—a small, glowing square hiding amongst some rocks.

  What the—is that?

  “Pssst! Hide! Pssst! He’s going to see you!” The voice spoke again, still just as urgent and panicked. “HIDE! NOW!”

  It was then I noticed the sounds I was hearing in my head were awfully simir to how the ochre jelly had spoken to me. Then it hit me—the Polyglot skill mentioned in the description that I could harhe ripples of mana to manipute linguistic barriers or some stupid shit like that.

  Is that thing talking to me through mana?

  As I looked down at the group of five people below, I wondered why I was being told to hide. They couldn’t even see me—not to mention my size. But as a gooey, shapeshifting… thing, I still hadn’t quite figured out how to speak in my new form. So, instead, I scurried over with slimy legs flopping out and disappearing within me as I made my way over to the slime cube. I came to a wobbly stop before it, lifted one of the oily appendages I guessed was supposed to be a limb, and pointed a tendril at myself.

  My current tiny form, with gooey spider or octopus-like legs, still resembled a tar-covered eyeball. Huh, I suppose I do look a lot like an octopus. It was safe to say I was disappointed with my shapeshifting abilities and ass after getting all my hard-earned gains burnt away. But hey, at least I had magic—life should improve, right? So, no full-blown freakouts… yet.

  “What?! Yes, you! Hurry! Hide, brother!”

  Brother? Oh, hell no—why does everyohink I’m a man?!

  I gave the tiny cube a nont shrug, which looked rather odd with no shoulders, but I was surprised to discover that I didn’t feel a sudden urge to devour the cube.

  Ha, maybe I’m not a plete psycho after all.

  “Not near me! Hide somewhere else!”

  I nontly gave the cube another bizarre shrug before plopping my eye down beside it, crossing three slimy appendages as I did. Gazing at the cube, I mentally frowned; it was twice my size.

  “What are you doing?”

  Again, I lifted an oily tendril, gesturing toward where my mouth should have been—if eyeballs did have mouths. Then I poi where I thought a hole—or mouth—should have been on the cube. The five other Dark Champion didates were still bickering in the distance, but who cared? If this cube was talking through mana, I wao know how it was doing it. This little guy was another slime, and he knew how to talk! If he didn’t teach me how to speak, I could always eat him and see what my Absorb skill could teach me.

  Would eating a slime t as ibalism?

  No? Wait, hadn’t I already resorted to ibalism?

  No. Maybe? Teically... well, teically, eating Olin and Sophia shouldn’t t since I’m now a Bck Pudding. And Niamh was a succubus, and everyone’s probably had a taste of that—

  Ugh, Bke, I’m si the head! Also, I really should stop talking to myself.

  “Stupid puddin’ slime! What are you doing? Get away from me! I won’t go back!”

  Go back?

  Fine, if yoing to be a dick about it, let’s see how you taste!

  No, don’t do it, Bke. He’s twice my size. I just o chill out and not attack everyone and everything that annoys me—I’m not my mother!

  Pointing wasn’t cutting it, and I wasn’t about to take no for an answer. So, I took matters into my own... tendrils. This should get my point across. Without hesitation, I rammed one of my tendrils straight into what I hoped was the cube’s face, sizzling a hole into it as I watched the temperature ge across its surface from my passive attacks. I doubted Corrosive would do much to another slime, but as I’d seen from the one I had killed earlier, they didn’t have prote from my venom, or at least, not enough resistao the dose I could dish out.

  You better give me something good—wait—do me!

  I had attacked the cube without thinking, just doing it despite it being bigger than me. What I say, I’m such a Karen, pig fights that I really shouldn’t. Heck, in my annoyance, I’d probably have asked for the cube’s manager as well, just so I could fight them. Yeah, I be that kind of bitch. Thankfully, my passive attack did its work before the cube could try eating me.

  V:\Assion>SAFE_MODE

  Acid Status Detected       [SD]

  Resist Status: Full Immunity   [Active]

  Applyiances...

  Resistance Successful.

  Acid Effeullified.

  _

  V:\BattleResult

  Enemy Defeated: [Dungeoinous Cube]

  Current Level: 13

  Milesto Level: 15

  Initiate [Absorb] on [Dungeoinous Cube]?

  > YES

  > NO

  V:\>

  Disappoi for not gaining a level washed through me as I slurped on the remains of the delicious cube. As I did, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

  Oops, I guess that answers my earlier question. I am a ibal! Oh well, no big deal. After all, it’s not like I could help being what I am—body positivity and all that, right? Ahe cube tasted like peanut butter, so it wasn’t all bad. Plus, who o speak when you have tendril-fingers and magic.

  I guess I’ll just have to find another way to learn how to talk.

  I g the notification, and with a mental firmation, I clicked yes.

  V:\Assion>SAFE_MODE

  SkillUpdate

  [Absorb] [Dungeoinous Cube] Successful.

  New Selectable Skills Avaible:

  - [Paralysis]

  V:\>

  Alright! Another skill I ’t use... oh, joy. I wonder when these milestones will start handing out skill slots. Geez. Not that I don’t appreciate gaining already active racial skills, but I could really use some extra skill slots.

  “Er, y-you seen Doodles?” a new voice asked, nearly sg me into spttering myself from surprise.

  Gng up, I spotted a child standing over me, most likely searg for the cube.

  Doodles? Are you talking about the cube?

  While he couldn’t hear the internal questions I threw at him, little did he know... Doodles had been quite the scrumptious treat. I attempted to shush him but remembered I cked a funing mouth—and face. Instead, I gestured with a tendril, mimig a shushing motion where my lips should have been on my eyeball, hoping he’d cat. As expected, much like with the cube, he didn’t uand what I was doiher.

  V:\Assion>SAFE_MODENotification

  Skill [Pet Submission] used by Dungeon Denizen:

  Name: [Wartie]

  Race: [Dungeon Goblin]

  Css: [Pet Tamer]

  Error Detected: [ED]

  - Submission Skill ot be used on USER.

  - Submission Skill unsuccessful.

  - Skill ed.

  V:\>

  You, little dick!

  “YOU LISTEALKIN!” he bellowed. “FIND Doodles, then home to Ockpool!”

  Oh, I’m so tempted to kill him right now.

  No, Bke, hold back; he’s just a kid.

  Ugh! Is it possible I still have a moral pass?

  No! Maybe? Though, who cares if I ate his frie. But still, did he just try to make me submit, like some animal?

  Don’t kill him. Don’t kill him. I want to kill him. I want to kill him.

  Good grief, kids be so infuriating. Also, what is Ockpool? Is that the name of a pce or something?

  “SPEAK!” he anded, snapping his fingers.

  In a panic, I hastily poioward the cliff edge where the other didates were. Oddly, they had fallen silent... I deactivated Thermal and switched baana Focus—only, instead of fog it into the eyeball I had polymorphed, I i throughout my entire round body, gaining a panoramic view all around me. I enjoyed a plete three-hundred-sixty-degree view—and I absolutely hated it!

  While most of my surroundings were blurry, my focal point was being slightly clearer—it seemed I was gettier at this, although it still sucked. I spotted the child, only to realize he wasn’t a child at all. The kid—or rather, thing—was covered in green skin, adorned with rge ears and warts. A goblin? However, I couldn’t dwell on that for too long as a hazy purple fog materialized behind him. I watched in amazement as a bde formed out of the haze. And then, it swung outward—at his neck!

  My body tingled with adrenaline, watg everything unfold as if in slow motion. I was still sitting on the ground, a tiny bck blob, staring as the sword ected just below the goblin’s head. I should have been freaking out, but who was I kidding? This was too fasating to look away from!

  The bde bit into its mark, and I watched, captivated, as the goblin’s neck gave way, each muscle fiber slig apart. The goblin was helpless as the sword moved through him like a hot khrough butter. The sensation of utter glee ran through me as I observed the se. And before I k, he was decapitated, his head spinning in the air before nding right o me, the gaping neck wound sptterih blood.

  That was amazing!

  I want that skill.

  The purple fog slowly dissipated as the goblin’s body colpsed to the ground, revealing a figure standing over the corpse, looking almost giddy. He appeared mostly human-ish, except for the severe ue that revealed dozens of razor-sharp, needle-like teeth—a dentist’s worst nightmare.

  But my attention lit among a few pressing matters. First, I couldn’t help but marvel at the grotesque sight of my head beside me, gaping open in a way that was both fasating and horrifying. It’s not my proudest moment, but it’s far from the worst thing I’ve witnessed or done since being an acidic, flesh-eating pudding.

  Sed, I noticed the other four didates rapidly approag from a hundred yards away. And finally, the most important task at hand—hiding before Baraka, or whatever his name was, noticed me!

  “Hell yeah, I freaking love Phantom Ssh—”

  Me too!

  “—I ’t wait until my milesto level ten—these racial skills are wicked!” Baraka, Snaggle Tooth, or whatever the fuck his name was, lowered his voice to a whisper, “I ’t wait to eat those four fuckers’ hearts once we kill that fat-ass boss. Pfft!” Then, turning toward where the others were approag, he shouted, “Hey guys, this stupid goblin didn’t even know what hit it!”

  Well, he’s a sinister, backstabbing bastard.

  The nerve of some people!

  As he openly reveled in his eventual pns to turn on his allies as they drew closer, I quickly rushed into the hiding pce I could find—right ihe neck hole of the goblin’s head. It was both delicious and practical. I mean, who would look ihere? Also, I was in no dition to fight five other didates. My only issue was not dissolving the entire head before they left, so, sadly, I deactivated Corrosive but left on Venomous just in case one of those idiots tried to mess with the head while I was i.

  “Jason, what was it?” Another person sprinted our way, calling out as he approached.

  “What oh is Jeremy talking about? What was it? I already fug said it was a goblin,” Jason muttered to himself before shouting back, “A fug goblin!”

  I heard noises like bones being cracked open. Curious, I wao peek out from the o see what was happening, but I remaiill, not wanting to risk being discovered.

  “Gross!” a woman’s voice excimed.

  “Jason! That’s disgusting,” the same voice that had shouted earlier—presumably Jeremy—said, sounding as though he was standing right over me, or rather, the goblin’s head.

  “Look, it’s not my fault I’m in this body,” I heard Snaggle Tooth, or rather Jason, reply. “I’ve got a craving for hearts.” He paused, then added, almost casually, “I also unloew skills from any dungeon monsters or system users whose hearts I e,” piquing my curiosity even further.

  I bet he has all kinds of skills I could take from him.

  My thoughts zeroed in on a single and: Blight. But I hesitated, recalling Jason’s mumblings about his impending level ten milestohe true significe of levels still eluded me. The boost I received from killing the succubus suggested she was far more powerful tha, unlike Sophia, whose corpse I had absorbed, she wasn’t a system user. Did that imply Niamh cked levels as well?

  With a deep sigh, I refrained from casting Blight. There was too much I didn’t uand, and I wasn’t ready to make a move just yet. Besides, my choice to hide ihe decapitated head of a goblin already reflected my reluce to front them directly.

  I really wasn’t ready to front these individuals yet. There was too much I didn’t uand about skills, magid the system; holy, I doubted I ever would. The most frustrating part? It seemed like an absolutely fwed setup. Eveifications were marked by Safe_Mode, which, to my uanding, meant the system wasn’t running at full potential, as if it were in diagnostic mode for troubleshooting. It made me wonder: was this how the gods of this reality mahings, or was I caught in some eborate simution? It didn’t seem likely to be a video game; Earth’s teology hadn’t reached that level of sophisticatiohe Matrix wasn’t real—no, this felt more like hell.

  As my thoughts rambled on, the five didates bickered about their disgust at Jasoing a raw gobli. They slowly meandered away, undisturbed, leaving me alone ihe greeure’s skull.

  Peeking out from the neck hole, I firmed they were gone. Satisfied, I reactivated Corrosive and delighted in the sensation as the goblin dissolved around me, infusing my gooey form with the savory taste of e Asada.

  Mmm, Mmm, good!

  After sav the remains of the head, I reshaped my form into an eyeball with gooey legs, eliminating the annoying panorama perspective, and gnced around for the goblin’s body. I was eager to finish my meal aract those oh-so-sweet system skills—only to find that the body was o be seen. Worse still, I never received a prompt to use Absorb on the goblin’s head.

  Wait, does that mean I o e a certain pertage of someoo gaiion to absorb their skills?

  Well, shit! You’d thiing a brain would t for something—not that I suspected that goblin had much of a brain to begin with. Ugh!

  With my pathetic meal cluded and the immediate threat gone, I faced aire duo explore and moo level up from. The only question now was, where to start?

  ~

  “Aaargh!” a goblin screamed, sitting up abruptly and grasping his throat. Frantically, he patted his face, cheeks, and ears to ensure his head was still attached.

  “Ah, Wartie, I see you’ve respawned,” muttered a grizzled old w. He reached up with a gangly thin arm to his muzzle, stroking his long gray beard that draped down to the ground, dragging behind him as he sloroached the goblin, the clig of his staff hitting the floor with each step. “Ah, and so did your pet slime, I see,” he added.

  Wartie gnced up at the floating dungeon core, then his gaze snapped downward to a trembliinous cube beside him. With a slight squeak, the cube cried out, “No. No. I tasted freedom,” it mourned. “Just... just kill me!” However, its pleas went unnoticed by those uo uand its words. The goblin’s face lit up with glee as he picked up the cube for an overly aggressive snuggle, squeezing it like a water balloon on the verge of bursting. “Oof. Kill meee,” the cube whimpered once more.

  “Doodles! I never lose again!” Wartie excimed.

  “You o be more careful, young ohe old w admonished, shaking his gnarled, leathery fi the goblin. “Children are exceedingly rare in this realm. At merely five decades old, you’re our you. The you, Gapping, is approag three hundred soon—and if you ask me, he’s far too annoying. You’re far too important to us to be wandering off recklessly.”

  The goblin’s ears drooped as he stared down at the trembling cube. “S-Sorry, Warchief Hensley,” Wartie muttered, then gnced up at the w with bright eyes. “Found bck slime,” he said, his smile brightening but quickly fading into a pout. “But it got away,” he added, his rge green bottom lip jutting out. Looking back down, he whispered softly, “But find it again. I will.”

  Warchief Hensley was about to admonish the young goblin further after hearing what he had muttered under his breath when a pierg scream erupted from outside the dungeon respawn chamber of Ockpool. Turning sharply, the w stepped out to find dungeon denizens scattering in arm as an explosion tore a nearby building apart, sending rubble raining down across the great dungeon city.

  The Warchief spun around and s the goblin, “Run!” His voied as the tip of his staff ignited, radiating an array of powerful magic.

  Emerging through the cloud of rubble, a female high elf stepped forward, her golden hair fluttering behind her. With a determined gaze, she procimed, “I am Padin Anlyth, on behalf of the Gods, the Kingdom of Sethia, and the Holy Asded Empire. Surrehe dungeon core, and I’ll make your final deaths as painless as possible, heathen monsters.”

  “We will never surrehe core,” Warchief Hensley answered, pointing his staff at her.

  “So be it,” the Padin tsked. “Your unnatural and unholy union with the core ends now.”

  1

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