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  [colpse]Chapter 11: Hands2024 April 30TuesdayMaria and Paige ehe on room together from the hallway.

  “You’re done already?” I ask. “It hasn’t evewo hours. Are you both OK?”

  Paige says, “Yeah, we weren’t sure how it would go—that’s aited as long as we possibly could for full disclosure—but it turned out fine.”

  “Then why are you in here?” I ask. “Don’t they need you in there?”

  Maria says, “Well, Paige gave her spiel, and then I did mine, and this would normally be the part where we hold our boys and promise everything will be fine, yada yada, bh bh bh—it was an honor to do so for you, Beth!—but ihey held each other, and we decided to leave after fifteen minutes.”

  “It was holy really awkward,” Paige adds.

  “The way things have been going tely, I wouldn’t be surprised if year’s boys end up sp themselves,” Maria says.

  I excuse myself aoward one of the tables in the ter of the room. Maria and Paige aren’t the only oo set the end of April as a deadline, and today is the day I’m finally going to tell Cire how I feel about her.

  I’ve been going over the pros and s in my head over and ain for the st couple weeks.

  Worst case: things get incredibly awkward between myself and my friend who I see at literally every social iion I’m able to take part in.

  But if things go well… OK, it’s not like we actually leave to go on dates, but there will likely be hand holding. Maybe even some kissing.

  e on, Rose. You used to be good at this. Or maybe you just thought you were. Anyway, Cire is sitting right over there. Alone.

  I swear I’m just about to get up and walk over to Cire when my favorite burnout Aoife—pronounced “Ee-fa” she expined when I first saw it on sensus—walks up to me. She’s dressed very smartly, with scks and a crisp blouse. Definitely not mase, but not a dainty dress either.

  “Hey, Rose, we talk for a moment?”

  Right, just a quick versation with her and then I’ll talk to Cire.

  “Sure, Aoife, what’s up?”

  “Well, I’m really not good at this, but… OK, hear me out.”

  Um…

  She tinues, “I like you, Rose. Even when you first got here and the others were still ign me, you acted like my friend. You gave me time to process what was happening to us and didn’t pin when I acted like I was above it all. And, if you don’t mind me saying, you are incredibly pretty.”

  My cheeks start burning again, and not just from the ser hair removal session I retly did in the first basement. I ’t figure out how to answer.

  Aoife says, “You don’t have to respht away, and maybe I should have given us more time to grow used to our new selves before bringing it up. It’s just that if I couldn’t tell you by the end of the month then I probably never would.”

  “No, that makes sense,” I say.

  “Right. I’ll just… give you some time to think about it.”

  Aoife walks away and strikes up a versation with Lauren.

  Fuck.

  * * *

  I’m once again pag around my room unsure of what to do. At least this time I’m not deg whether I should n someoo a possible death.

  OK, first, do I even like Aoife like that? Well, she never looked down on me for my past, even after our first disclosure. Her idiosyncrasies are really charming, she’s somehow cultivated an amazing sense of style during the handful of weeks she’s presented as a girl, and her pliments leave me feeling…

  Shit. So much for the easy way out.

  But maybe I actually like Aoife more than Cire but it took the former’s coerced transition to help me realize it? Well, Cire tried so hard to help me—and Aoife too I suppose—get through the program. Her personality is so joyful now that she’s not holding herself back, and it makes me smile just to think about it. Plus, she’s really quite beautiful, and I’m sure we’d have a ton of fun if we ever got to…

  Damn it! How am I supposed to choose just one of them? Assuming Cire is even ied in the first pce.

  Oh! Now that would make things simple. Maybe she’s just not ied in me like that. Actually, no, I don’t want to even sider that sario.

  OK, so what do I do? If only I could date both of them so I know for sure whie I like more.

  Actually…

  On the day we discussed alternative sexualities, Ames brought up something called polyamory. What was it she said? “You have two hands?” I could just date them both. Indefinitely.

  Just thinking about it makes me feel all warm inside. I, together with each of them… or all three of us together with each other…

  But no. I’m still vihat could never work. Eventually one of them would bee jealous of the other, or they would grow too close, and I’d bee jealous of the two of them.

  It’s seriously unfair that an arra like that ’t work, and I’m almost envious of those who think it .

  But maybe… I could pretend to be poly? Just for long enough to figure out whie of them I’m more patible with? Theher one and I have a calm, mutually agreed upon breakup without any hurt feelings.

  If I did this, not only would I be more fident in my final decision, but I’d actually get to date both of them, at the same time, and possibly for quite a while. Not forever of course—eventually something would g—but it would still be fun while it sts. Probably a lot of fun.

  And it would help me firm how foolish the whole idea of polyamory is. I’d be doing sce.

  I’m really impressed with myself right now. This pn is great. It’s clearly the best idea I’ve had in a while; the best idea ever, maybe.

  …

  No, stop.

  What the fuck is wrong with you, Rose? Who would pretend to be somebody they’re not and trick their friends like that? Have you learned nothing in the seven months you’ve been down here?

  I’ve half a mind to stick myself in the cells for seriously sidering such a pn.

  Still, I may be able to salvage something from this idea.

  2024 May 1Wednesday“Yes, I do like you, too, Rose,” Cire says. “A lot. I would be more surprised you hadn’t noticed, but you did choose to bee a lesbian.

  “Yoing to have to expin your pn more carefully, though.”

  Good, I’ve avoided the worst-case sario.

  I look at my two friends—soon to be girlfriends? We’re sitting at one of the tables in the on room. Ames is here and hear us talking—not that there are any real secrets here unless spoken in whispers—and she has a look on her face best described as fused i.

  I expin the pn. “I don’t actually believe in polyamory, but I also don’t want to choose who to date until I know who is a better match. So, I’m going to pretend like I’m poly—and it’s ethical, because you both know I’m doing it—until it’s clear to all of us who should remain a couple. Still mono, though.”

  Aoife asks, “And is there a deadline on when we have to decide?”

  “No, I figure it will bee obvious when something o ge.”

  , Cire. “And if things tio go well indefinitely, won’t that effectively be the same as actually being poly?”

  “I suppose, but I don’t believe that’s how it will pan out.”

  The two of them look at each other for a while and then back at me.

  Cire says, “Rose, this pn of yours is ihen again, this pce we’re in is premised on an insane pn, and look where we are now. So fine, I’m willing to try it if Aoife is.”

  Aoife says, “I guess I’m in too.”

  “Great!” I say.

  Ames steps closer and says, “Well, I’m gd you learned something from my lessons… I think. I’ll just leave you three to whatever it is you call this thing.”

  I give a satisfied nod, and Ames steps away. Then, I look at my two girlfriends. Pretend girlfriends? Well, her individual retionship is pretend, so… never mind, we’ll work out the terminology ter.

  Aoife asks, “So what do we do now?”

  I hadn’t actually thought that far ahead, but after a minute, I get anreat idea and immediately take steps to implement it.

  I reach out with both of my hands and grab one each of theirs.

  Perfect.

  2024 May 9Thursday> WELE TO #2023-intake on **Dorley Internal**> This el (like all els on Dorley Internal) should not be seen by outsiders. Alractice good opsec.> Special note: 2023 Intake Sponsors will tio have access to this el until the st member graduates. ??

  EthanTyler finally vinced me to try this thing. I don’t get the point, though. ’t we just talk in person?

  Aht, but it feels more exclusive in here.

  CireBearPlus the potential for memes!

  RoseCire, we don’t have access to the i yet. Any memes would be text only and a year out of date.

  EthanWait, @Aoife. That’s how you spell your f

  Aoife??

  Ty@Ethahere cutie.

  EthandifdlieabfeuHUN STOP

  TyThat’s the reason I got him to join.

  CireBearomg

  Maria@Ethan I see you on the security cameras. Why are you keysmashing on your phone?

  2024 May 22WednesdayMy two girlfriends and I are sitting on my bed. We just finished watg a romantiedy about a barista who falls in love with the owner of the coffee shop she works at. Tragically, the coffee shop owner is already eo the owner of a tea shop across the street. By the end of the movie, the barista’s rival has been forced to sell her tea shop is disgrace, and the barista tio work for her new boyfriend.

  We all agreed the barista should have ditched her boss, gotten together with the tea shop owner, and started her own coffee shop.

  “So I was w,” Cire says. “What do you suppose the three of us are going to do after we graduate from the programme?”

  Aoife starts. “I might want to teach? Or do something else where I help kids not to fall in the same traps I did.”

  Cire says, “Aoife, that’s really sweet. I was thinking of joining the puter Sce program at Saints. Maybe try to do something good with teology for once.”

  My turn then. “I want to gh the Psychology program like I nning to before I got picked up… and maybe take a shot at sp.”

  Cire sounds surprised. “Really, Rose? You haven’t evehe baseme and you’re already thinking of taking on your own bad boy in a few years?”

  “Yes, really. Did you know that Beth got her first taste of sp while she was still down here? In December? She told me oime, ‘I thought it took balls to break a boy like Maria and the others do, but I gave it a try and still got to keep mine for almost three more months.’”

  “What did Beth do?” Aoife asks.

  “She helped some represset over herself. Nobody we’ve met down here. But yeah, she said she still had a lot of work to do on herself but she just knew from then on she wao sponsor a boy for real.”

  “A girl now,” says Cire.

  “I guess so,” I say with a giggle. “Point is: I’d like to help someone else like Beth helped me.”

  “Wow,” Aoife says. “From bad boy to fully on board withi months.”

  “I guess you could call me basement-pilled,” I say.

  After a moment, Cire asks, “Rose, do you think you’ll ever move back to the States?”

  “No, even if I didn’t want to sponsor, I don’t think I’ll go except to visit. I’m partway through building a new life here. Literally.”

  Aoife says, “This may be selfish, but I hope my girlfriend doesn’t go anywhere for a very long time.”

  “Same,” says Cire.

  I’m so lucky to have these two.

  ht.

  Cire must sense my sudden ge of mood, because she says, “Rose, I feel like it’s time to stop pying pretend.”

  I reply, “Cire, I know you’re trying to help, but I really ’t stand the thought of losing one of yht now.” “That’s not what I…” “Maybe we should move on to something else. I could start another movie.”

  The two of them give each other a look I have trouble reading, and Cire answers, “Sure Rose. Another movie sounds good.”

  2024 May 31FridayCire, Aoife, and I are sitting at one of the on room tables.

  “I’ll be ba a few minutes, you two. I’ve got to use the bathroom.”

  I stand up, give Aoife a pe the lips, do the same for Cire, and then head for the bathroom.

  After I finish my business and wash up—I wonder if they’ve ever taken in a boy who refuses to do that—I open the door back to the on room.

  I see Cire and Aoife holding hands. It catches me off guard, so I close the dain before they see me.

  I guess this is it, then. The two of them have grown incredibly close, even as they tio date me, so clearly I must be the oio grow jealous first. It’s only a matter of time now until something happens and our dynamic ges forever.

  I crack the door open again to take another look. They appear to be happily talking together. I wonder what about. I close the dain.

  After a few minutes of grieving over the iable and tragic destru of our retionships, it finally sinks in how much of an idiot I’ve been. I seriously thought that I could pretend to be poly and over a long period of time even. It was a ridiculous pn, and I ’t believe those two went along with it.

  I o end this charade before anybody gets seriously hurt.

  I opehroom door once again but actually step through this time. I walk up to the table with Aoife and Cire, and I take an ope.

  I start apologizing profusely and expin to them that I o longer keep pretending. That it’s time to face the reality of the situation.

  We all hold each other’s hands. I love them both so much, and I’m looking forward to the three of us being together for a very long time.