tent warningsrefere-facilitated rape, deadnaming, misgendering

  [colpse]Chapter 6: Realizations2023 December 12TuesdayWithout ur feminism csses, the days here have once again bee incredibly b. And while I have picked up a newfound i ierature—Beth giggled when I said that phrase to her but wouldn’t tell me why—I only do so much reading before my head starts to hurt.

  So this afternoon is spent with or and Seb watg TV, Ethan and Tyler doing whatever it is those two idiots get up to, and Andrew and I talking about girls. Although he’s the one doing most of the talking.

  “So this one girl Angelica. Small thing, barely any butt even, but her tits were amazing.” He pinches his index finger and thumb together into a circle and holds them up like he’s an Italian chef admiring a fi of meat.

  Ug, is this what my buddies and I sounded like when we would… “I only imagine.”

  “And she was so desperate. All I had to do was buy her a couple drinks and tell her how hot she was. She was ready to go home with me within half an hour.”

  Maybe he’ll be done soon. “Yeah, that rules, man.”

  “Sure does. Though the big problem with a girl like that is they get gy. It’s hard to get them to go away once you’re doh them.”

  OK, maybe I sounded a bit too enthusiastic just then. I should tell him to ge the subject. Or just stop talking. “Yeah, I see that.”

  “I tried all my usual excuses for ending things, but no matter what I tried, she would not get the hint.”

  He’s one of the few friends I have here, though. “So what did you do?”

  “I pinly told her I only wanted her for the sex, that I’d had my fun, and that I never wanted her to talk to me again. And thearted sobbing, like this guy she’s known for all of two weeks still mao break her heart somehow.”

  Jesus Christ. I’m finding it hard to remember why I ever liked talking to this guy, but I probably get us past this if I act sympathetic to what he’s saying just a bit longer. “Woof. It sucks you have to deal with that.”

  Andrew looks around like he’s about to tell a particurly nasty joke that he doesn’t want anybody else to hear. Fine. I’ll just ugh along to whatever it is. Then, I will suggest seeing what the others are up to.

  He leans in and starts to whisper. I get ready to ugh.

  “Holy, it’s sometimes easier to avoid the fake retionship altogether. You find a girl you like, right? Then, you slip something in her drink so she won’t remember who you are the m. Problem solved.”

  “Hahaha… ha.”

  He gives me a knowing look. It wasn’t a joke.

  “Diime. Everybody get moving.” It’s Maria.

  Aands up, squeezes my shoulder, and starts walking toward the dining room.

  After what feels like a few seds, I hear Maria again. “Joe! Up!”

  Maybe it was lohan I thought. Maria and I are the only ones left in the room.

  * * *

  No, no, no, no. Shit. Shit. SHIT. Why did he have to tell me that?

  Shit. What does it say about me that he thinks I’d be cool with hearing it?

  Fuck.

  I pace around my bedroom while I silently talk to myself. Whoever is watg the cameras probably thinks I’m having a nervous breakdown. Hell, they might be right.

  I have to tell somebody, don’t I? The sponsors don’t know. The smug look on Andrew’s fad the way he double checked that only I could hear him told me everything.

  But what happens if I do tell a sponsor? This goes so far beyond sleeping around or dating under false pretenses. What if they think he’s beyond saving?

  What if they wash him out?

  I ’t do that to him, I? He’s one of the few friends I have down here.

  Which means I’m friends with a rapist. I’m thinking about enabling a rapist.

  But this is different, right? He’s in the program. The sponsors will tio work with him until he’s reformed, and then it bees a non-issue. Sure, he might go free without them addressing this specific thing…

  Meaning he might do it again.

  Or he might not. And for all I know, they’ll kill him if I say anything.

  Which means it’s his life, possibly, vs. guaranteeing the safety of his future victims.

  GOD. FUG. DAMN IT!

  Maybe I just keep an eye on him? Watch his progress through the program alongside the sponsors? Maybe even needle him about what he did until he regrets it enough to never do it again?

  And all the while make sure the sponsors don’t notice me ag odd or doing their job for them.

  Damn it. I ’t do this. I shouldn’t have to do this. I o be fog on saving my own ass. I shouldn’t be responsible for his ass, also.

  I’ll just ig for now. This is too big to make a snap decision on, and I always decide what to do tomorrow. Or week.

  I shake the mouse attached to my puter. The s es to life revealing a shortcut to KSP on the puter’s desktop. It’s sitting alongside several other is.

  This is a good pn. I’ll py some Kerbal Space Program until I’m tired enough to go to bed. Get my mind off this thing and on to something simpler, like orbital meics.

  I push the article I was reading st weekend off of my keyboard and to the side. I put my hands into position above my keyboard and mouse. I slide the mouse cursor toward the KSP shortcut and other is. I double click.

  JoeBeth, we o talk.

  2023 December 13Wednesdayor, Seb, Ethan, Tyler, and I ehe on room after breakfast along with our sponsors. Serena, Andrew’s sponsor, joins us a short while ter. She looks bothered. I have yet to see Andrew himself today.

  Serena cps for attention and raises her voice. “Before you all start doing your own things, I have an annouo make. Andrew has been moved to the cells, and he will be held there indefinitely.”

  “What did he do, try to hit on one of the sponsors?” Tyler asks.

  Serena briefly makes eye tact with me before answering. “I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say right now. You ask him yourself if you’d like ime you see him. Alright, that’s all.”

  Serena sits down hard at a table he hallway doors, and I head to the opposite side of the room to sit with or and Seb.

  “I don’t get it,” says or. “He retty shameless at times, but he never did anything to hurt anybody while he was here. That’s why they put people in the cells, right?”

  “Uh, yeah,” I say. “The oime I was back there was for nearly fighting with Tyler.”

  Was that really less than two months ago?

  “I have a guess,” Seb says. “I bet they found out something new from before he got here. Maybe he’ll eve washed out. The sponsors must know that a lot of men just ’t help but be creeps, and there’s no point in wasting time on them.”

  “Jesus, Seb,” I say. “You really think some people are just intrinsically bad?”

  “Some men, yeah. I don’t like it, but that’s just how it is.”

  That ’t be true, it? Maybe it’s possible for someoo get so buried in shit that they ’t be pulled out again, but the way Seb is talking, some people are just ily awful. Do the sponsors subscribe to Seb’s notion as well? Is Andrew doomed to wash out at this point? Do they think Andrew is some kind of subhuman degee who o be removed from the world?

  …like how I thought about Dee?

  Shit. I treated Dee er than Seb is treating Andrew, didn’t I? And unlike Dee, Andrew caused some real harm with his as. Dee just… acted weird. He acted weird, and for that, I hit him and treated him like he wasn’t worth even a shred of respect.

  Am I still doing that? Am I still doing that by thinking of him as Dee?

  Because if Dee is worth my respect, then I have to aowledge that they’re a full person with an uanding of their own wants and needs. And Dee was so certain that they were a woman that they dressed as their real self even knowing people like… like me would despise them for it. I don’t think I’ve ever had as much fidence about anything as they had about being a woman.

  I ’t pretend to uand it, and I still wouldn’t feel fortable around others like them, but at least try to respect their— her—Lily’s name and pronouns.

  Fuck.

  “Joe, you’re awfully quiet. Are you alright?” It’s or.

  “No, not really. But I’ll work through it,” I say.

  I stay mostly silent for the rest of the m. When it’s time for lunch, I hang back while the others ehe dining room.

  Beth walks up to talk. “You seem awfully distracted, Joe. Are you doing OK?”

  “Just thinking about Andrew and… some other things.”

  I have to know.

  “Beth, is Andrew going to wash out?”

  “I don’t know. It’s ultimately up to him.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She pauses for a moment as she siders what to say. “ you keep something just between us?”

  I nod.

  She tinues, “We don’t normally try to rehabilitate uant rapists, and unfortunately, that’s who we’re dealing with right now. But we’re going to give him a little time before we decide what to do with him.”

  “Shit.”

  “Hey. Whatever happens, it’s out of your hands, OK? This is his responsibility. He decided t those women, and now he’s the oo decide if he’s ever ing back from that. Either way, you may have saved somebody else.”

  “Having to trade one life for another feels pretty bad.”

  Beth looks off to the side for a moment and then bae.

  “You’re right, Joe. It does.”

  2023 December 14ThursdayThe dining hall in the basement has two exits. The one we usually use leads to the on room, but the other empties directly into the main hallway eg the cell blocks and stairs on oo the bathroom and bedrooms oher.

  Andrew doesn’t e to breakfast this m, either, and I’m still reeling over yesterday’s versations and realizations, so I decide to take a little more time for myself after breakfast. Maybe I’ll py some video games like I was sidering the ht. And so I take the hallway exit out of the dining room with the iion of heading straight to my puter.

  As I ehe hallway, however, I see the doors to my left open, revealing Serena holding hands with a woman I don’t reize. This mystery woman is built, both in terms of muscles and, I have to admit, chest.

  “Are you sure you’re OK to do this?” Serena says.

  “Yes,” says the other woman.

  The other woman notices me watg, gives a little wave, and walks into the cell block. Serena closes the doors and approaches me.

  “Who was that?” I ask.

  “Diana,” Serena answers. “She’s… a friend.”

  “Is she here to talk to Andrew?”

  “Yes. But Joe, she’s not really a sponsor, and we’re trying not to broadcast Andrew’s business any more than necessary so…”

  “You are trying to help him, right?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  She seems sincere. And in for a penny they say.

  “Fine,” I say. “I’ll pretend I didn’t see Diana.”

  “Thanks Joe. And if… when Andrew es back from the cells, don’t press him about Diaher. She’s vulnerable, and she’s taking a big risk to her owal health by talking to him.”

  “I don’t uand what you mean by that, but alright.”

  “Thank you, Joe. Sincerely.”

  Serena heads to the on room, and I head bay room as I had phis time, I do py some KSP.

  2023 December 16SaturdayAfter breakfast, I sit at a table with another one of Beth’s articles. Figuring I owe it to Dee—er, Lily—I’ve selected one about trans people. Just as I settle in to start reading, I see Andrew walk through the doors to the on room.

  It’s only been a few days, but he looks diminished somehow. Smaller. He’s out of the cells, though, and that’s a huge relief.

  I smile and wave. “Andrew! It’s good to have you back.”

  He looks toward me, and then his eyes grow wide like he remembered something important. He walks toward where I’m sitting with a ral expression on his face. A few sponsors hold up their tasers like they’re afraid of a frontation.

  “You’re the only oold,” he says. “Which means you must have talked to the sponsors. Are you w with them?”

  “No, but I couldn’t…”

  “Don’t. It doesn’t matter either way… Just, I get it, OK? Why you said something. I didn’t at first; figured I wasn’t causing any sting harm. Then, someone came to talk to me, and she put a few things into perspective.”

  I wonder what Diana said to him to cause this ge of heart, but I promised Serena I wouldn’t pry.

  Andrew tinues. “So I uand, but I guess I still have some mixed feelings about it. Maybe that’s not fair, but things are going to weird between us for a little while.”

  “Alright,” I say.

  Andrew says, “Alright,” as well and walks off toward the TV. The sponsors who were watg us lower their tasers.

  A mier, I finally notice how hard my heart is pounding. I’m OK, though. And so is Andrew. He’ll stay in the program, and he’ll leave a better person for it.

  Huh. I really believe that now, don’t I? Even beyond Andrew, I see how we’ve all made some progress these st couple months. or isn’t nearly as high strung as he was when I first met him. Ethan and Tyler have some kind of weird dynamic going on that seems to have chilled them out. Seb… well his opinions don’t appear to have ged much, but hopefully he’s less likely to terrorize people online. And I’ve learo start listening to others and tolerating their differences, even if some of them still make me unfortable.

  I’m having trouble imagining the program will go on much longer. Maybe we stay here a couple more months, the sponsors do something to guarahe safety of their operation after we leave, aurn to our lives as better men than we were when they picked us up.

  No more surprises. We’re getting through.

  * * *

  JoeHey, Beth. I actally bumped my chest against the door frame as I was entering my room tonight, and it hurt. A lot. Like, nearly as bad as getting kicked in the balls. Lingered less, though.Not that you’d know what that’s like.

  Bethanyok?

  Joeor told me st weekend that his chest was gettiive also, and I’m starting to get ed. He thinks maybe it’s a side effect of the Goserelin impnts.

  Bethanyi’ll look into it. might take a few days, though. but if I learn anything, i’ll let you know

  JoeThanks, Beth

  Bethanyof course, joe