If you ever find yourself transported to another universe in the middle of a self-love sesh, it helps if the first person you meet thinks you’re a god.

  It helps even more if you actually are.

  I stood on the fieldstone altar in front of a statue depicting a man rising out of what I assumed were fmes, though weathering had softened the edges of the sculpture to the point that I couldn’t tell for certain. “That must be me,” I thought aloud.

  “Yes, Your Greatness,” the elf woman confirmed. “Crafted by the esteemed artist Filin two centuries ago. Few visit to pay their respects anymore, but I make a daily trip to bathe in your presence and pray.”

  “Good girl,” I praised. She seemed to appreciate my pudit as she smiled and blushed. “What is your name, beautiful?”

  “Illy, Your Greatness,” she answered, her cheeks darkening out of embarrassment. “And I don’t know how beautiful I am,” she added bashfully.

  “Nonsense!” I contested. She truly was beautiful. I imagined her skin felt like satin. I wondered when the st time I got id was. It had been too long, a fact that contributed to my sting erection.

  “You are Xandos, you may have any woman you wish. I’m just a lowly elf girl hoping for her prayers to be answered.”

  “Right, your prayers. Definitely heard those, up in…heaven?” I had no idea what the mythology surrounding this godly figure was, so I had to wing it. “Say, Illy, the trip to Milendria scrambled my thoughts and left me,” I gnced down at my rod, “ill-equipped to face my adoring worshippers. Might you help me by answering a few questions and maybe fetching me some threads to wear?”

  The elf girl tittered. “Of course, Your Greatness.”

  “Much obliged.”

  I stepped off the ptform into the water, which turned out to be deeper than I anticipated. My body plunged beneath the surface, but as soon as panic gripped me, I felt myself rising. As if plucked by an invisible crane, I hovered over the pond, its water dripping from my naked form.

  “Holy shit!” I excimed. “I can fly!”

  Illy shot me a curious look. “Of course you can?”

  I grinned and shook my head. “Right, of course I can. You see what I mean? I just need a few hours to gather my wits, but we can expedite that process with an informative chat between you and I.”

  I gnced at the water beneath me. How do I get down? But as soon as I considered the question, I began drifting lower. My feet touched the gssy surface of the pond and settled. I was literally walking on water.

  I strode to the shallows then stepped onto the embankment. My feet squelched in the mud. Illy joined me haltingly, as if afraid to get too close. I chuckled. “It’s alright,” I said, “I won’t bite.”

  “Right, sorry. It’s just—I’ve never been in the presence of a god before.”

  “Is it a common experience for others?”

  Illy shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “Are there many gods about?”

  Her face darkened as she strode up to join me. “Not anymore.”

  Before I could inquire, she began to redress, slipping into a form-fitting pair of blue pants that clung to her buttocks and an ornately embroidered long-sleeve crop-top with a tear-shaped cutout to showcase her glistening cleavage.

  She handed me a hooded red cape. “You can wear this if you like.”

  “Thanks,” I said, covering myself with her cape.

  Properly dressed, I craned my neck to scan the vicinity. Trees towered overhead, formed a canopy of lush, green foliage. Critters scurried among the litterfall, squirrels and rabbits and frogs. Songbirds trilled as they flitted from branch to branch. So far, aside from the whole god thing, Milendria reminded me quite a bit of Earth.

  But given Illy’s fashion and the fact she bathed in the forest, I figured my new pnet cked the same technology I’d grown accustomed to back home. Also, she called her hometown a vilge. Who lived in a vilge in the modern age?

  “Where is your vilge, anyway?” I asked.

  “This way, Your Greatness.”

  I followed beside Illy as she led me along a forest path. Sunlight dappled our faces while we made our way, a potpourri of woodsy scents lulled me into a rexed state. This pce seemed pretty nice, I had to say. So far, it looked to be an excellent trade up from my past life, spent mostly in the smog-choked streets of the city.

  “Tell me about yourself, Illy.”

  The girl blushed again. Despite bathing nude before my statue, she seemed remarkably bashful. “What would you like to know, Your Greatness?”

  “Well, for starters, how do you know English?”

  She turned a bemused expression at me. “English?”

  “The nguage we’re speaking now.”

  “Milendrian,” she corrected. “The common tongue.”

  I gnced away in thought. I supposed the previous Xandos gifted me their nguage as part of the deal. To my ear, everything sounded like English, despite the foreign words that formed on Illy’s pert little lips. “Milendrian,” I repeated. I liked the sound of that better than English anyway. “What’s the name of your vilge?”

  “Firevale,” she answered.

  “Sounds ominous.”

  “It was named in your honor, Your Greatness.”

  “Right, of course. Fire god and all. By the way, you don’t need to call me Your Greatness. You can call me by my name.” But when I thought to tell her what my name was, I found my mind a bnk. What the hell is my name? I went hunting for the memory, but came up empty handed. It seemed the transmigration stripped that away.

  “Okay,” she said with a smile. “Xandos.”

  I smiled back. Xandos would do. It already had a history attached to it, my followers wouldn’t have to change centuries of precedent just to accommodate my vanity.

  Besides, Xandos sounded badass.

  “What do you do in Firevale?” I asked.

  “Well, I was a barmaid in the tavern, but that was before the raiders came.”

  “Right.” I nodded. “Those pesky raiders. Well, one glimpse of my godly powers should send them running, I should think.” It would be a good start to my reign in Milendria, I figured. Showing hooligans their rough and tumble ways were through.

  The dirt path emerged from the forest into a grassy expanse that sprawled across a bucolic countryside dotted here and there with pine groves and maple thickets. Then, a short distance away, the path entered a vilge whose farmnd outskirts surrounded a grouping of homes and shops in the town center.

  As we approached, a curious thing happened. Letters unfolded across the bottom of my vision. “What the hell?” I wondered aloud as the word “Firevale” scrawled itself beneath the vilge.

  As I focused on the vilge name, more information appeared to me.

  Popution: 318

  Temples: 1

  Priests: 1

  I plugged the balls of my thumbs into my eye sockets and rubbed vigorously, but the information only cleared when I mentally dismissed it.

  “What is it, Xandos?” Illy asked.

  I turned and looked into her brilliant, blue eyes. “Nothing. It’s nothing.” But it was certainly something. What did these numbers mean? Had they something to do with my status as a god? Temples, priests, popution. It seemed likely. But without a guide, I was feeling my way through the dark. Suddenly, this whole being a god thing felt a little daunting.

  “Ready to run off these raiders, Your Greatness?” Illy beamed. There was practically a golden aura radiating from her.

  What was I going to say? Sorry, no?

  “Of course,” I replied. “Let’s torch these motherfuckers.”