The Half Blind Raven and the Last Winter Wolf

  Chapter 4: Forgiveness Tested Against More Than Hypotheticals

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  Kenny Brown

  The bag came off of my head and I was sitting in another interrogation room. This one was in a suite far above the ground. I was at the top of the stadium. It was like one of those prison towers they had in England. The only ways down were to fight or to jump. I knew I’d do neither. My fate was one that I’d accepted as just. I looked out through the bars at the center of the stadium below me. There was a forest growing in the field, and rain was coming down against the windows behind the bars.

  “Kenny!” a voice called.

  I didn’t immediately turn around, wanting to enjoy the view for a while longer. A carnal part of myself thought I deserved that, and I listened to it.

  “Kenneth Brown, turn around!” the voice ordered.

  I did as the voice asked, finding myself staring at a guard I’d seen before. I was still getting used to his voice, but I found myself surprised that I hadn’t remembered it at all. It must have been the emotions, I supposed.

  “We’re going to need to talk to you, but not here. Follow me, please.”

  Again, I did as he asked. I followed him through a hallway. The walk continued on for a while, so I started to wonder if we were heading to my execution. I had to ask, I needed to know.

  “When are you going to do it?” I asked.

  “Do what?”

  “Execute me.”

  “We’re not going to. You can put that out of your head.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why aren’t you going to kill me? I deserve to die. You should.”

  “That’s not how this town operates. Even if some people are loud about wanting you gone, we can’t just throw you out or throw you off of the wall with a rope around you. There are rules to follow. In this instance, we’re going to put it to a vote. In my opinion though, you’ll likely be allowed to stay. We will have to restrict your access though for the wellbeing of certain parties”

  “The girl, you mean.”

  “Yes.”

  “She deserves her justice.”

  “Perhaps, but it would be at the cost of another’s life. I’ve looked into your file. Everything you said was recorded, so it’s all on record.”

  For a split second, I wanted to react. I should have been told about the recording, though I also probably should have noticed the cameras. It was a mistake on my part. The guard noticed my tenseness though.

  “It’s not a big deal. We record everyone in the confession.”

  “You know everything then?”

  “Yes, and I can’t say that that should condemn you to a life outside of these walls.”

  “So I should be allowed to live despite everything?”

  “If we killed you, we’d have to kill a few dozen other people, or else we’d be hypocrites. The only difference between you and them is that you still have a victim around who can speak. We forgave them, so we should forgive you. It’s how we operate. We’re all sinners here.”

  “I’m a cannibal, and a killer.”

  “Let me let you in on a little fact, brother.” the guard said as he stopped and turned around to face me.

  He led his head towards mine. Eventually our heads connected. He was uncomfortably close, but I didn’t dare defy him. In all truth, I didn’t have the will to.

  “So was I. You’re not alone.”

  I looked at him with a face of disgust. He smiled and turned around before continuing to lead me on.

  “Oh don’t be judgmental, Kenneth Brown.”

  We eventually came to a set of stairs and we started walking down them. The elevators must not have been working, because during my time there, I was never put in one.

  “How many did you…”

  “Just one. I was starving, and I found a body. Fresh. The flies hadn’t even gotten to it yet. They’d put a bullet in their brain. They were dead by their own choice. That was all the invitation I needed to eat them.”

  “You ate a dead body. I killed people to eat them.”

  “You think I wouldn’t have killed to eat if I had gotten desperate enough? Think again.”

  “Would you do it now?”

  “I wouldn’t. Not behind these walls. This place is where we rebuild. We must welcome people in so that they can rebuild with us. Kicking people out will only build an army of enemies.”

  “So you make a civilization of monsters instead?”

  “I suppose so, if that’s how you want to see it.”

  “That’s how it is if you’re letting people like me in.”

  “Would you call my daughter a monster?”

  “What?”

  “My daughter. She was born of me. She’s three now. Had I not done what I did, she never would have been born. That life, it was brought into the world because I ate another person. Should she not have been brought to life?”

  “I… I don’t know.”

  “Think about it. The steward will be there when we get to the meeting hall. BB will be joining us as well. We’re going to discuss your options, assuming you are allowed to stay, which I think you will be allowed to,” the guard said as he opened the door to the open floor that we were heading for.

  “If that’s what you all want to do,” I muttered.

  “It’s what the old man wants. I’m not one to argue with him.”

  “I might be.”

  “You can try, but it won’t work out. By the end of the conversation, you might even be too hammered to speak at all,” the guard said with a laugh. My eyes fell back down to the ground. He eventually spoke again.

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  “Chin up, Mr. Brown. This is where you make something better,” he said, “Oh, and by the way, we’re here.”

  He opened the door and held it for me. I looked inside and then looked him in the eyes. Without words, I begged him not to make me go inside. I just wanted to die instead.

  “You’ve got to, buddy,” the guard said.

  I looked back down at the ground and walked in. He followed after me. With a whisper, I asked him name.

  “Who are you, anyway?”

  “I am Griffith Robertson.”

  “I still don’t get why you’re so forgiving, Griffith.”

  “You don’t need to. Now sit down, and let’s all have a talk.”

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  Byron walked in last after all of the other people had arrived. The steward had already been there when Griffith escorted me in. A collection of various other people had also joined the room. Each person had a name tag that also indicated their positions. I was in the middle of a city council meeting. They’d called everyone together to decide what to do with me. Somehow I wondered if they could figure out something worse than an execution or banishment.

  “Okay then. We’re all here. Do you all know why we have gathered today?” the steward asked the crowd.

  They all answered a different variety of yes. None of them seemed pleased to be where they were.

  “Brilliant. Let’s begin the arguments then.”

  And begin they did, as soon as he stopped talking. The people gathered were not there to represent their bureaus, but rather to represent their personal feelings. I would have sided myself with those who wanted me gone, but I was interrupted every time I tried to speak. It wasn’t as if I had any right to speak anyways.

  The arguments continued for hours, but eventually they stopped. An agreement was reached through the consensus of the representatives. My fate would be left to the people. Two or three options would be given out on a flier that everyone would be required to fill out. One would have me thrown out, one would have me allowed a restricted form of citizenship, and one would have me be treated as any other person in the town. I knew what I deserved and what I wanted. I wondered what I would get.

  “If it’s all said and agreed upon then, we’ll start printing out the fliers. The guards will begin going out to collect the vote once they’re all ready. Until the vote is completed, Mr. Brown shall stay in the cells. He will be treated as any other citizen, and he will be given water, food, and all of the other privileges. This is my decision, and I won’t see it argued against. Don’t even try to.”

  There were a few grunts of disagreement, but nobody did try in the end. Eventually the group started to thin down as the council members left. The room was left to BB, the steward, Griffith, and myself. The steward raised his hand to the guard and spoke.

  “Mr. Robertson, please leave us. I need to speak to Mr. Brown personally. Mr. Bryant, I would request that you stay as you are essentially Mr. Brown’s representative at this time.”

  Griffith nodded and then left the room to join the other two guards outside.

  “Then stay I’ll, sir, but I would request that I be allowed to leave by dinner.”

  “That won’t be a problem. This last bit of conversation shouldn’t take long.”

  “What kind of conversation do you want to have?” I blurted.

  “A few quick things. For starters, I’m sorry we have to keep you in a cell. It really is quite disgusting, in my opinion, but it has to be done, I suppose. The alternative would be to send you away to one of the other towns, but I’d rather not take the risk. Your safety would not be guaranteed in those places where less atrocious crimes were committed.”

  “What if I don’t care if I’m safe or not?”

  “I do care, sir. Personally, I’d rather see you live a full and honest life from this point on, and I’d like to see you contribute to the rebuilding of the society we’ve lost since the day of lights.”

  “You shouldn’t care for me, but I relent. I do think I owe the world my strength. That’s all I have left to give, but it’ll still never make up for what I did.”

  The steward sighed.

  “Maybe you don’t need to make up for it. Maybe what you need is to make peace with it.”

  I laughed and said, “There is no making peace with it, you spilt jug of piss! You think there’s any peace for that girl?! There ain’t, and there’ll be none for me neither. I’ll suffer this life, and if there is a god, I’ll suffer the next. I hope there ain’t though, cause I don’t want my parents to have to live knowing what their son’s done.”

  There were tears running down my face again. I felt a hand grasp my shoulder and then pat against my back. BB was trying to calm me down.

  “I’d be lying if I said you didn’t just upset me a little, so I won’t lie. That was rude. I am still not going to give up on you though. We will await the vote that will determine your fate, but I know what will happen. I hope you’ll be alright when what will happen does happen.”

  “Just kill me, please, or make me work! Do both. Let me work until I starve or drop! Don’t just put me in a cozy cell and wait!”

  “If you want to work, you can, but only once the end of the whole ordeal is decided. We won’t kill you though, and we won’t let you work to death. The standard of the town is a five day work week. We’re hoping to eventually institute a four day one. Overtime is allowed though, but no more than sixteen hours of straight work a day.”

  “Why do you act like I’m still a person?” I asked, begging him to answer. BB answered for him.

  “Because you are, just as we all are. There’s no denying it.”

  “You’re all fools…” I cried.

  “Was I a fool when I first met you, Kenny? You were more tolerant of yourself then, so why not now?”

  I knew the answer, but I didn’t want to say it. It was because that girl was still around to judge me. She had brought all the hatred I had for myself back up. I knew I couldn’t blame her though. I only could blame myself for the sin committed, not her for still being around to remind me that it had been committed.

  “I woke up, that’s why.”

  “Should I do the same then? Should we all judge ourselves for what we had to do out there?”

  A voice inside my head was screaming yes, but I couldn’t tell him yes. I couldn’t condemn a man for just trying to keep his family alive. I was the kind of monster he would have saved them from. How could I condemn him for doing that? I couldn’t. I could condemn myself though. I could condemn myself for being the monster that had made him live in fear and violence.

  “You killed because you feared what was around you, and you were right to, because what was around you were people like me. You shouldn’t have stopped killing. There are still a great many threats in this world. Sometimes you have no choice but to kill them.”

  “You’re not a threat though, Mr. Brown,” the steward declared.

  “So you say, but we both know what I’m capable of.”

  “You’ll never have to be that way again, I can promise.”

  “No you can’t,” I rebuffed.

  “We’ll see, but I think I can. At the very least, I can feed you for today. Your cell will have food when you get there. Cornbread and vegetable soup. No meat, just as you asked for,” he said before rubbing his temple.

  “If you really do want to work, you’ll have to build your strength. Stay alive so that you can work. Maybe in time you’ll find another reason to live that isn’t just paying off your sins.”

  “I don’t think I will.”

  “Well, that’s quite sad. Do you have anything else to say, Mr. Bryant?”

  “No, sir.”

  “Well then, have a good night, Mr. Brown. Mr. Robertson, please take Mr. Brown back to the cells. Be nice with him. Don’t tease him too much.”

  The door opened from the outside inward and the guard came in with a smile.

  “Right away, sir. Come on, Kenny!” Griffith commanded.

  I rubbed my forehead and stood up. My stomach growled, begging for food. I didn’t know if I wanted to eat so that I could gain strength, or to starve myself so that I could suffer. In the end though, I was selfish. I’d probably give in to the temptation of relief. My hand formed a fist as we walked out the door. The steward called one last time as we left.

  “Oh, and remember, Mr. Brown, forgiveness is the key to a better future.”

  I looked back at the aging middle aged man. The door closed behind us both and the guard led me down the hall.

  Again, I laughed. Forgiveness and fullness. Those were reliefs I didn’t deserve, but I had to stay alive, but my life also caused suffering, so I had to die. I had to argue with myself over what path really was the right one. Maybe I could just wait until they threw me out. I could go back out into the wastes. I could do something else other than living where that girl lived. I could die, or I could live in service. At least I wouldn’t be in her sight. What point even was there in waiting? I looked behind myself to the guard. I wasn’t cuffed and his gun wasn’t drawn. I could run, and maybe he’d shoot me. If he didn’t, I could get out. I could make sure that she got her justice through my suffering. I really was hoping that he would shoot me though. Hopefully he would. Maybe it was that easy.

  I took a breath and prepared myself to run. I would give him no warning and I would hope that he would overreact.

  “Hey, you alright?” Griffith asked just before I turned around. I shoved him over and then turned around and started running.

  “Hey, wait! STOP!!” he yelled, but I didn’t listen.

  My eyes looked back to see if he was chasing me down that hallway. He was trying, but I was faster than him. My head swiveled back forward, but I wasn’t quick enough to react very well to an open door and a cart right in front of me.

  I tried to jump over it and I failed. My foot caught and I was sent face first towards the floor. I was out and then back in, and the world was black and painful. I heard boots catch up to me and my eyes fluttered. I wasn’t ready to get back up. Sleep took me, and the incident was over. The blackness flooded back in. Another night I didn’t want, but it would lead to another nightmare I did deserve.