Chapter 4: I Sneezed and Accidentally Decred a Holy WarI woke up this morning with one simple goal—to ignore the insane fantasy world that now worshipped me and just live my normal, stress-free, high school life.

  That pn sted exactly five minutes before I opened my ptop like a complete idiot.

  999+ new messages.

  Oh, no.

  Oh, no no no.

  I stared at the screen. My hands trembled. My soul whispered:

  "Don’t click it. Don’t. You know it’s going to be bad."

  Naturally, I clicked it.

  And immediately regretted everything.

  Username: High Priest Eldrin“Oh Great One! A grave crisis has arisen!”

  Username: Sir Gareth the Brave“The Heretic Kingdom of Zaltron has insulted your holy name!”

  Username: Lady Mirabelle“Their king decred toast an inferior breakfast food!”

  I froze.

  Wait.

  Wait wait wait.

  These morons were about to start a war because some random king didn’t like toast?

  I squinted at my screen. Maybe I was misunderstanding.

  Username: Yuuto“You’re… joking, right?”

  Username: High Priest Eldrin“Never! The Heretic King spat upon the Holy Toast and decred porridge the superior meal!”

  Username: Sir Gareth the Brave“This cannot stand! He must pay for his crimes!”

  Username: Lady Mirabelle“We are ready to march into battle at your command!”

  My soul left my body.

  These lunatics were seriously about to start a Holy War over breakfast.

  I needed to shut this down. Immediately.

  Username: Yuuto“Wait! Hold on! There will be no war over breakfast!”

  A pause. Then—

  Username: High Priest Eldrin“Oh Great One… does this mean… we must make peace?”

  Username: Sir Gareth the Brave“Shall we instead convert them? Introduce them to your divine wisdom?”

  Username: Lady Mirabelle“What if we just… lightly invade them?”

  I facepalmed so hard I saw stars.

  I was about to type out a long, well-thought-out response when—

  A loud sneeze exploded from my nose.

  And at that exact moment, I accidentally hit the Enter key.

  What message had I just sent?

  I looked at the screen.

  And my heart stopped.

  Username: Yuuto“…Ah-CHOO.”

  Silence.

  Then—

  Username: High Priest Eldrin“THE GREAT ONE HAS SPOKEN!!”

  Username: Sir Gareth the Brave“‘Ah-CHOO!’… A sacred war cry!”

  Username: Lady Mirabelle“It is a sign! The Great One commands us to sneeze upon our enemies!”

  WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.

  NO. STOP. I JUST SNEEZED.

  But it was too te.

  One Hour LaterUsername: High Priest Eldrin“Our forces stand ready at the border! We have prepared the Holy Attack Formation: ‘Blessed Nasal Strike!’”

  Username: Sir Gareth the Brave“We shall march forward while sneezing in unison! Their morale will be crushed by our divine sniffles!”

  Username: Lady Mirabelle“The priests are already brewing the sacred Pepper of Destiny to induce the mightiest sneezes!”

  I stared at my screen in horror.

  I had accidentally started a war because I sneezed.

  I needed to stop this before someone actually got killed over nasal allergies.

  I took a deep breath and prepared to type out a long, logical expnation about how my sneeze was not a holy war decration.

  But before I could hit send—

  Username: The Dark Lord Makar“Yo.”

  Oh, come ON.

  WHY WAS HE ALWAYS HERE.

  Username: Yuuto“What do YOU want? I’m kind of busy stopping a sneeze war.”

  Username: The Dark Lord Makar“Yeah, I saw. Hirious, by the way.”

  Username: Yuuto“NOT HELPING.”

  Username: The Dark Lord Makar“Okay, okay. But listen—I actually need your divine guidance for something important.”

  I groaned. It was always something with this guy.

  Username: Yuuto“…What is it this time?”

  Username: The Dark Lord Makar“Well, ever since my evil empire colpsed, I’ve been trying to reinvent myself, you know? New career, fresh start.”

  Username: Yuuto“…And?”

  Username: The Dark Lord Makar“So I opened a bakery.”

  I choked on my drink.

  The Dark Lord. The Ultimate Vilin. The Bringer of Death and Destruction.

  Was now a baker.

  Username: Yuuto“You WHAT?!”

  Username: The Dark Lord Makar“Yeah, it’s called ‘Doughmination.’ Get it? Like ‘domination,’ but with dough?”

  Username: Yuuto“…You must be joking with me."

  Username: The Dark Lord Makar“Listen, you’re a god, right? Can you bless my bakery with success?”

  I stared at my screen.

  I was supposed to be a high schooler.

  Now I was being asked to bless an evil warlord’s bakery.

  This was beyond peak stupidity.

  But before I could even think about responding—

  Username: High Priest Eldrin“Oh Great One! We have a problem!”

  Username: Yuuto“Oh, WHAT NOW?”

  Username: Sir Gareth the Brave“The Heretic Kingdom has responded to our sneeze war decration… with a cough war decration!”

  Username: Lady Mirabelle“They have equipped their warriors with spicy soup to induce powerful battle coughs!”

  I fell out of my chair.

  This was not happening.

  This was not real.

  I had accidentally triggered an allergy-based world war.

  I smmed my fingers onto my keyboard.

  Username: Yuuto“LISTEN UP. NOBODY IS GOING TO WAR OVER SNEEZING OR COUGHING. YOU WILL ALL STOP RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR I WILL UNINVENT BREAD.”

  Silence.

  Then—

  Username: High Priest Eldrin“The Great One… has spoken.”

  Username: Sir Gareth the Brave“The war is over! The Holy Bread shall be preserved!”

  Username: Lady Mirabelle“We shall tell future generations of the Great Sneeze Crisis and the Divine Bread Ultimatum!”

  I leaned back in my chair and let out a long, exhausted sigh.

  I had done it.

  I had stopped a holy war.

  Over toast.

  And sneezing.

  And cough-induced spicy soup warfare.

  I closed my ptop and took a deep breath.

  Tomorrow, I was not opening that forum. No matter what.

  I had finally learned my lesson.

  …

  Probably.

  To be continued...