Oh sister,

  The creatures we made are beautiful

  Made with your flesh and my blood

  Oh how I love them

  Crescent was about to rise to the night and open her moon eye while I was barely finishing making the runes that took me all day to make just in time. When the bells started to ring again. I waited anxiously, bracing myself for the tormenting pain to start but no sound ever came inside. The silent runes I pced all around my dorm had worked. I sighed in relief. Looking around my dorm was a mess. The word mess was a small word compared to what it was, there was my pillow with dried-up tears and sweat, dirty clothes, mirror shards all over the floor, and books all over the pce like cats taking a nap in whatever pce they wanted. The pile of failed silence runes at the desk was at least new. Even with all the mess around me, that cursed book did not disappear under it all.

  I could not get rid of the cursed book; every time I tried throwing it away, it somehow ended up with me. The book must have attached itself to me when I cut myself, or my blood must have come into contact with it—or the first time I came in contact with it. It was still a mystery.

  I wanted to follow my sister Mercy’s advice: “Get out once in a while and receive Solstice’s light, it will make you feel better,” she always used to tell me when I was feeling down. The problem with going outside (to be blessed by the Solstice’s all magnificent light, which would solve all my problems) was that the whole city was on high alert to find me the demon. The citizens had mostly shut themselves in and they doubled the amount of patrols the guards do. Zephyr had scouted the city and found the Academy and the Grand Library were closed off for safety. Both of them had magical gates covered in hand-crafted magic symbols that were impossible to get in by any means when it was locked. People need to think it is safe again so I can get inside if I want to break the curse and be human again. There was no option to leave the city since I had nowhere to go and running away would not solve my problem of being a demon.

  I wasn't as afraid of my body as before, and I found myself sometimes fidgeting with the tip of my horns. My tail was… still weird, I could not grasp having it. Sometimes it knocked stuff down when I turned around, adding more to the messy room. My bck cws were now trimmed the best I could, they were now just long bck nails. That can probably cut a man through in a single swipe. Those things were sharp as knives. As for the female parts of my body well… it was complicated.

  I have a decent pn to go outside without being hunted down again but I needed some materials for it. Zephyr gdly volunteered to look for them, by having some of my magic they could grow enough to be able to carry them all in a basket plus some decent food. I may or may not have run out of food in my dorm and may not have eaten well in the past days.

  Illusion spells only sted so long and I did not trust my ability to concentrate on an illusion spell for hours without dropping it. I needed to practice hard on mastering them if I wanted to live. That’s why I needed the ingredients to be able to cast a greater illusion spell on myself that would be able to st at least from sun up to sun down.

  But before that, I wanted to do something dangerous before I got the ingredients for the greater illusion spell. I admit that I am frightened to go outside… but this is something I must do, I shall not let fear ruin my life. My hand slowly met the door knob, opening it and taking my time, there was no rush. When I opened the door, the moonlight graced my room for the first time in days. I felt as if the goddess Crescent said, "Oh, there you are," when I stepped out of my dorm. In actuality, the goddess of the moon just illuminated the night quietly. Even while invisible I felt her eye follow me. Walking down the night street, my heart filled with a hint of fear. Zephyr was a shadow in the night sky watching over me to keep me safe and ready to crash down as lighting if anything happened. I gave extra of my magic to take care of any physical problems, unlike my identity crisis. It was stupid, I did not even need to do it now, but I couldn’t get it out of my head. That dream I had… I hid more in my cloak to be more invisible and continue.

  I walked so carefully by the streets that I might as well have been a ghost. Nobody suspected a thing, that did not prevent me from feeling nervous and that I might have been caught at any moment. There was a time when I was paraded and adored by people instead of needing to hide. Oh, their cheers still echo inside of me. The people in the city must not know who I was or what I have become. Once someone's name is tainted with suspicion of being a cultish or heretic it is hard to clean it off. The topic of demos was still fresh in people’s minds, a husband drinking with his friends said that he suspects his disrespectful wife is being possessed by a demon. That she refuses to stay silent, does, and goes whatever she pleases. A nearby mother was compining to her friend about how her son suddenly started acting strange and feared the demons had repced her child. At the pza, a priest was screaming about how the demons were all already with us, and that they were here to corrupt the children to be disrespectful to the gods and ignore their teachings. I was not sure if I was responsible for everything that was happening or if other demons were loose across the city.

  I left the city ter in the middle of the night. Not to run away, as I did from home. But to seek soce and reflect alone in the silent night by the river’s water. I had no intention of running away again. The sky was full of shimmering stars illuminating the night while all the night critters sang. As I strolled along the path, I eventually arrived at the Serene riverbank. The crystal-clear water gently flowed, and as I peered into it, I spotted a tiny fish gracefully swimming. As the river flowed it split into two paths: a calm boring stream on the right and dangerous unknown rapids on the left. Despite not knowing where its path might end up, the fish followed it instinctively, until it reached a cliff at the end. Did the fish enjoy that path? Or would it be better to go down the rough path knowing very well the dangers ahead? The fish may not make it in that path either. If he had wings like a crow he would have flown and been free in the ocean or the skies.

  Sitting by the river shore, my reflection was as ever-changing as the flowing water. Every time I saw myself the water changed, altering my reflection, and drifting away from my face with the current. My horns grew, shrank, and twisted, and my face sharpened then softened while my body changed to become slimmer and bulkier. I did not recognize myself even when I cast an illusion to look like my old self. My eyes deceived me as my face did not look how I remembered. Was the young blond noble male me at some point or is this how people see me?

  “Zephyr is this how I used to look? I asked. Zephyr came down from the sky and gave me a confused look. The shape of my face was wrong, I tried to fix it, but I never liked the results. Alexander or me, demon, or human, to be accepted or rejected? Disappointment or whatever I will be? “Is it even possible?” I asked myself.

  I open my magic book that I had brought with me on the page I had bookmarked before I left my dorm. I have always found this spell interesting. I had stumble upon it in one of my mother's spell books when I was little, but never thought about casting it until now. Spells that require verbal components, chanting, or ingredients are usually more potent. I raised my wand with my rigid hand taking a deep breath.

  “Me. Myself and I”

  “Oh water, how much I cry”

  “Reveal what it is inside”

  “and be my guide”

  “Do you see who am I?” Swirling my wand making the water follow.

  “Or who do I want to be?” The water swirled faster and deep within the light came.

  “oh water, show me my fears”

  “Or show me my tears.”

  I said finishing casting the spell: The Princess Lament, the spell for the one who is lost in themselves.

  When I tried everything to turn back the hardest thing was finding someone to turn back to. I despised being a demon, but I am not sure if I am proud of my past self. My father would say nothing if he were here because I was nothing. Even if I was everything to some people. A husk of someone I was destined to be. I tried to be what they told me to be and failed. People would say otherwise, but they are not me, they will tell me how they see me and not how I am. How can I be a woman? I am a royal. I could have anything I wanted, created perfectly by the goddess of nature and the descendant of the god of light. Then why does it feel like I’m doing something wrong, that I shouldn’t be admitting this? That I wanted to be this, that I hated what I forced myself to be. But that is how I was born, how the gods made me.

  “Alexander, you will be a fine champion one day; I just know it.” My brother's words fsh into me.

  When the water stopped spinning the river’s water stood still like ice. Calm but about to change when my eyes find what the water must show me. I am not waiting for Mar, goddess of the oceans and waters, or any other deity to tell me who I am. This is all me. Reflecting. I knelt by the water with my eyes closed, afraid to see something that would make me want to rip them out. My heart was pounding, my breathing was heavy, and my body was sweating cold. Finally, I took courage to open my eyes, and when I did… I found myself. Me.

  Happy and Free.

  I had nothing else to lose. My poor heart is already tainted with demonic sin. However, the scriptures of the gods say all sins can be forgiven. Let then us sin some more. All to be happy.

  ***

  Upon returning to my dorm my heart was beating hard again. I pced the newly purchased supplies on my desk that Zephyr bought while I waited outside in the dark hiding, just like an alcoholic giving some money to some kid to buy booze in the store they are banned. We were lucky that the greed for money was bigger than the fear of demons of some people and a few stores were open this te at night at the market. There were a few guards armed to the teeth, but they were all exhausted from patrolling all day to take a closer look at the shadows I was hidden in.

  My heartbeat went faster when I pulled out of the bag the most important thing I bought. The material was soft, I loved the texture when my fingers gilded around the pale pink fabric. It was so beautiful; it always caught my attention whenever I walked by the store where I bought it. Wishing for a chance to have it.

  “I bought it! I did it.” I gasp. “Kaw!” Argued Zephyr. “Okay, you bought it, but I was the one who gave u the money.” Zephyr had some nice snacks as rewards for buying me the things I needed.

  Putting it on was exhirating. It reminded me of when I hid myself in the wardrobe of my mother when I was a child when pying hide and seek. I cast an easy illusion spell on myself, I slowly but bravely stepped in front of the fixed mirror. Now not having any more cracks or shatter into a hundred pieces. Feeling déjà vu, I did not believe what I saw, only this time it was not a demon. There were no evil horns or tails that said otherwise. A euphoric burst came through me from my soul all over my body. All my despair vanished at that moment. The dress was so pretty that I let out a squeal at all the magic coursing again in my veins. The skirt flowed gracefully making my face so bright with a smile from ear to ear. “This is me. Is it.” I told the girl in the mirror.