Filth. There was no other way to describe it. The new administration was happy to boast what what a paradise this pce was but turned a blind eye to the parts that weren’t convenient to them. For Red, the best private dick this town had ever seen (according to redsprivatedickrankings.neocities.org), the filth was her world.

  Red lived in these mean streets. Her streets were the rafters, and the lockers, and underneath the boxing ring. These streets were where Red was the frontline, facing hard truths so the soft civvies didn’t have to. These were truths like dust, and crickets, and even a lizard.

  The top brass was more than happy to believe her bullshit story about having ‘cat things’ to do. The real truth was that Red had a knack for sniffing out a story, and this gym reeked. It wasn’t just because of all of the wrestling and masturbating, either. No— there was a story here.

  Red had been staking out a group of suspicious characters for a whole five minutes. So far, it was bust. Red sighed. Could her instincts have been wrong this time? Impossible.

  “Fuck procedure,” Red thought. “I’m going down there for some answers.”

  Red dropped down from the rafters. During her descent, it hit her that this drop was a lot higher than she’d anticipated. Maybe this would be the night that she’d go down in the line of duty. Wouldn’t that be just her luck.

  Remembering she had wings, Red slowed to a hover, coming face to face with the miscreants loitering in her gym. “Listen punks,” she demanded, “why don’t you just come out and tell me what you’re doing here?”

  Their ringleader, a skinny broad with freckles, appeared shaken. It seemed she hadn’t counted on Red getting in the way of her schemes. “Wha… we’re talking about going to Walmart?”

  Red huffed at the shamelessness. “Walmart?” she inquired. “What is that, the name of your dealer?”

  “Huh? No, it’s a store.”

  The one next to her, a real doll if Red was being honestly, backed the ringleader up. “We wanted to go to Costco, but it closed at six. Sabrina told us to go get bags.”

  Red went pale, or at least to a lighter shade of red. “Sabrina?! What do you know about Sabrina?!”

  “What do you mean?” the ringleader pressed. “She’s behind this whole operation. None of us would be here without her. Are you okay?”

  Red wasn’t okay. How could she have been such a fool? Her own partner was not only in on this scheme, but she was the mastermind behind the whole thing. She should have known. Only a mastermind would be so obsessed with masturbation. It was all so clear now.

  Red ignored the gang’s calls, slinking back to her low-rent office in the rafters. She had her own masturbating to do, and that’s just what she did. Pretty soon she was so drunk on orgasms that she didn’t even notice the gang leaving.

  She was alone, now. She was always alone, really. Or was she?

  There was a noise. Red barely heard it over the sound of spanking her own ass and calling herself a whore. A good private dick always kept an ear open for danger, though.

  Red quieted herself, and gmoured into a cat. She peered down at the commotion. Someone was attempting to breech the perimeter, albeit unsuccessfully.

  Red descended and jumped onto the windowsill to investigate. Trying to pry the door open with a crowbar, there stood a uniformed police officer. “ACAB,” Red thought. Judging by the way the cop looked at her, she might have also said it outloud.

  “Shit,” she muttered.

  “What the fuck,” the cop said, startled. “Is that a talking fucking cat?”

  “No shit, Sherlock,” Red called back. “Now fuck off.”

  The man went pink in the face. “I will not be talked to this was by a goddamned cat! Let me in right now!”

  Red snorted, sarcastically saying, “Yeah right. Like I’m gonna let some bitch ass pig come stomping around.”

  The cop pulled his gun on Red. “You are hindering an official investigation! If you do not open this goddamn door, I will not hesitate to use lethal force!”

  “Official investigation? You’re alone, using a crowbar. There’s nothing official about this. Does anyone even know you’re here?”

  The cop’s clenched jaw trembled with rage. “My daughter is in there! I am not leaving without her!”

  Red rolled her eyes. “You must be my dad, then, because I’m the only one here.”

  “I don’t believe you!”

  “I don’t care what you believe,” Red said. “You’re not getting in here. When there are other people here, they’re adults who come and go as they please. Have you tried calling your daughter?”

  “Don’t give me that bullshit! I know what goes on in here! You people brainwashed her into joining your satanic cult! These bitches even turned her gay!”

  “What’s your daughter’s name?”

  The officer grumbled, answering, “Sadie.”

  Red broke out into an uproar of ughter. “Sadie?! With the blue hair? And a septum piercing? Sadie is hands down the gayest chick in the whole league and probably has been since the womb. Sadie eats pussy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then goes back for seconds! Do you know what Sadie does for a living? She’s a welder!”

  “Shut up!”

  “Ah, no no no—I’m just getting started. Sadie always has a carabiner ready to go. The only shoes she owns are Vans, Birkenstocks, and Docs. She never gets her nails painted, and they’re always short. She’s close friends with all of her exes.”

  “I said shut up!”

  “Wait, wait, I have one more. Fuck, what was it… something about cms?”

  The cop fired his gun. Thanks to the gym’s upgrades, the bullet ricocheted off the window and into the pavement. “Old spice! She wears old spice deodorant,” Red said, finally remembering what she wanted to say.

  The cop stumbled back, bewildered. “Fucking witchcraft,” he murmured, turning to run.

  “Oh, that impresses you, but a talking cat doesn’t? Whatever, dude.”

  Running to his car, the cop shouted, “I’ll be back! Next time I’ll have backup! I’ll burn this house of sin to the goddamn ground!”

  As the cop got into his car and peeled out, Red called back, “Would that kill your… daughter too? Eh, he’s gone. What a weirdo.”

  Red sat awkwardly. She didn’t even feel like pying private dick anymore. That dick ruined it.

  …

  Patterns were emerging in the hotel rooms. Every double-bnk-four room held some kind of demon. None of them were as formidable as the battle demon from the first room, fortunately. Most of them were a variety of imps.

  There was one abyssal succubus, though. This succubus variant was bluish gray in color, with bck sclera. She wasn’t even interested in fighting. Rather, she offered to let the party loot the room in exchange for a good dicking-down. Sabrina obliged.

  Being a succubus, herself, she wasn’t in danger of getting life-drained or anything like that. She gdly donned the Living Dildo and went to town on the demon. Meanwhile, Sloan and Alice looted the room, and Jade watched the sex with fascination.

  It turned out to be worth it, because the safe held another key. This one marked it for any three-digit room with two as the second number. There was also a pouch full of silver coins, as well as a bottle of nail polish that hardens into gold when it dries.

  Browsing the hall, the party found room eight-twenty-one. Prepared to fight, they opened the door. Inside, they found a dozen goblins lying in a big pile on the bed.

  “Nice,” Sloan whispered, not wanting to wake the nappers. “I’ve been wanting to get some friends for Spoons. You guys mind if I capture a couple of them?”

  “You can capture all of them, if you want,” Jade offered. She looked around for confirmation, adding, “Right? I don’t care.”

  Sabrina and Alice agreed. The party all tiptoed in, closing the door behind them. The pn was to wrangle them and fight them off non-lethally as Sloan wrestled them one-by-one. As they neared, it became apparent that three of these goblins even had dicks.

  “Oh, Spoons will love this,” Sloan whispered, preparing to grab one of the goblin dickgirls. This one was the most well-endowed, with a five-inch fccid penis. Sloan grabbed it, and all hell broke loose.

  The second Sloan grabbed a goblin, the whole pile jolted awake and scattered. They scurried in every direction, hiding under the bed and nightstands, and even rapidly circling the room. Reaching for them was met with biting. Leaving them alone was met with biting.

  After a minute, Sloan convinced the first one to submit. She moved onto the second one as another goblin bit Sabrina’s dick and tched on. Sabrina howled in pain and Jade tried to pull it off. The goblin’s teeth dug in and the pulling only made it worse.

  “Maybe you should let go of your dick? You know, like unstick it?” Jade suggested.

  “No fucking way!” Sabrina squealed. “I’ll still feel it, and the bitch will just run off with it!”

  Jade froze for a second and then had a look of realization. “I’ve got it! It’s just like when a pitbull gets lockjaw!” Before Sabrina could even ask Jade what she meant, Jade put her thumb in her mouth, removed it, and then swiftly popped it into the goblin’s ass.

  The goblin’s eyes went wide, and her mouth opened. “Oh mommy,” the goblin sighed, falling limp. “Don’t stop.”

  Another goblin stopped her scurrying to watch, longingly. Jade narrowed her eyes at this, and called out, “Show of hands— who wants things up your butt?”

  Tentatively, all of the goblins poked their heads out of their hiding pces and raised their hands. Alice’s hand went up as well. Jade instructed, “Everyone but Alice line up on the bed, asses out. The big green-haired dy is gonna give you all some fingers up the butt. If you’re nice, and submit for her, she’ll take you home and put all kinds of stuff up your butts.”

  The goblins didn’t even wait for Jade to finish talking. In a blink, they all got onto the bed with their faces down and asses up. A few were even trembling with excitement.

  Now the only thing holding Sloan back was the stubborn goblins who refused to submit because they wanted more time getting fingered. To help Sloan satisfy them more quickly, Sabrina let her borrow the Living Dildo. Sloan took it in her hand and manually stuffed each of the goblins’ asses with it. Soon, she had the full dozen captured.

  In the next room, five-twenty-five, the party found three-dozen goblins. “Jesus fucking Christ,” Sloan whispered.

  “Well,” Sabrina started. “Wanna build and whole army of goblins?”

  “Fuck that,” Sloan declined. “I’m not going through all of that again. Let’s just go find the fucking safe room. I’ve fucking had it.”

  Getting back to the lobby was more complicated than anticipated. The girls had accidentally wandered a mile deep into this winding hallway, going from imp-room to imp-room. Eventually, they made it back and consulted the map. On the opposite end of the lobby there was another hall that allegedly housed a safe room after nine left-turns.

  “This floor is ridiculous,” Sloan compined.

  “Quit compining,” Sabrina said. “At least you didn’t get your dick bitten.” After a pause, she added, “Oh yeah, and at least you didn’t die.”

  The tedious trek to the safe room set a high expectation. If the room wasn’t worth the trouble, the party was liable to track down the hotel’s management and eat their beating hearts. Thankfully, all tension eased once they arrived.

  Keeping to the hotel theme, the safe room was a rge, opulent penthouse suite. It wasn’t covered in fluffy moss like the first safe room, but it didn’t need it. Gravity had somehow reduced to sixty percent. The party’s levels in cognition and sensation made this immediately obvious.

  Being a penthouse, it had floor-to-ceiling windows. Being outside the universe, however, the windows showed an abstract, amorphous collection of lights and colors. It was like a stylized rendering of outer space with vivid nebue filling every part of the view, leaving no bck behind.

  The suite had several rooms. Four of these rooms had enormous and unbelievably plush beds. There was both a coffee bar, and an actual bar. There were bathrooms with the kinds of overpriced showers that Sabrina had only ever dreamed of. There was even a spa and esthetics room, with massage tables, pedicure chairs, and equipment ranging from high-end to magical.

  The girls sampled all of it. They showered, had ttes, traded massages, and completely unwound. Totally rexed, they gathered in one big bed to watch a movie. There was some debate, but they nded on watching Bottoms.

  In between bites of popcorn, they absentmindedly popped jellies one at a time. Sabrina wasn’t even paying attention when she was alerted to the fact that she’d leveled up.

  >Lvl up! You are now a lvl 5 form-shifter demon.

  >Withheld benefits of aspect level increases will now be applied. Distribution of assets will be different for your different forms. Perks may be either specific to one form or universal. Spells and abilities are specific to their respective forms. Skills are universal.

  >>Universal:

  >Double-cheeked upgraded to lvl 3. No increase in size, but shape, bounce, and sensitivity are enhanced further. Projectile reflection area extended to lower half of the back, and entirety of thighs. Direct melee weapon hits to the butt will now also be reflected back to the attacker. Effects of distraction are increased, and prolonged staring will now apply the confusion status to enemies. Confused enemies will have deyed reactions, lowered accuracy, and increased damage taken. Compatible humanoids exposed to the sight of your butt have a very high chance of instant and overwhelming sexual arousal. Compatible humanoids who directly touch your butt are guaranteed to experience instant and overwhelming sexual arousal.

  >New affinity: being spanked

  >New perk: Elusive. Enhanced reaction time and movement.

  >Gained 3 skill points in dancing.

  >Gained 2 skill points in penetrative sex. Magical enhancements added to sensations for both parties when you engage in penetrative sex.

  >Gained 2 skill points in crochet. Crocheted items may have inherent qualities of magical armor, such as auto-resizing, but will not provide armor bonus without a relevant subcss.

  New passive aura: Make Love, Not War. Compatible enemies/monsters are much more likely to accept sex with you or allies within your aura as an alternative to combat. Attraction and arousal increases this likelihood. Upon satisfaction or tap-out, enemies/monsters fall into deep slumber. Upon waking, the target becomes passive to you and your allies and will avoid areas where you are likely to be. This non-lethal outcome provides the same loot and advantages as killing in combat. Unless intended otherwise, your life-drain will result in this outcome. Danger: significantly more powerful enemies may exploit this mechanic, putting their sexual partner into a deep slumber. The enemy may then loot an important item or apply a curse effect. This outcome will trigger a quest to hunt and defeat this enemy to reverse the consequences and gain rewards. Additional sexual defeats by this enemy will increase the enemy’s power, while exponentially increasing potential quest rewards.

  >>Infernal Succubus:

  >Dominant aspect: Lust

  >New spell: Battle Charm. Charm and enemy to turn their hostility towards other enemies, including their allies. Moderate mana cost. 1 hour cooldown.

  >New Spell: Hellfire Breath. Bst a cone of high-damage hellfire from your mouth. 20-foot range. 10-foot radius at furthest point. Moderate mana cost per second. With current maximum mana pool this spell may be cast for 10 seconds before mana is depleted. With current enhanced mana pool this spell may be cast for 19.6 seconds before mana is depleted. 2-hour cooldown.

  >New perk: Dominant vibe. You project a dominant persona. Those aroused by you are likely experience urges to take a more submissive role towards you.

  >>Enhanced Human:

  >Banced aspect distribution.

  >New spell: Inspect Person. Low mana cost. No cooldown. You may inspect any person in your field of view to gain data on them. This may include:

  — how compatible their intentions and world view are with your own

  — how dangerous their intentions and worldviews might be

  — their kill counts

  — their species and level

  — their organizational affiliation or allegiance

  >New spell: Afterimage. Create an illusory double that blurs out of your body. This illusion provides tactile feedback, making it difficult to tell whether an attack has struck you or your double. Damage that would apply to the double may count towards damage reflection abilities/spells. Moderate mana cost. 2-minute cooldown.

  >New ability: Parry. You may parry with your weapon. If timed perfectly, your attacker will be staggered. A perfectly timed follow-up attack is guaranteed critical and deals devastating damage.

  >New perk: Cutie-pie. Your undefinable ‘cuteness’ has been enhanced. Enemies are more likely to underestimate you or let their guard down around you.

  >>Form-shifter demon special upgrade!

  >Convergence of Jaded and Living Dildo bond evolution!

  >The Living Dildo has spent significant time linked to Jade Walker. This has created a split loyalty in the Living Dildo. It desires a permanent soul-bond with Jade Walker, but it cannot betray its soul-bond. To reconcile this conflict, its has multiplied, evolving into a new Unique magical item set.

  >The Living Dildo has been destroyed.

  >New Unique magical item set: Sabrina’s dick and Jade’s dick. A duplicate of the the entity formerly known as the Living Dildo now exists, with a new form specific to Jade Walker.

  >Both you and Jade Walker will share a permanent mental link to both items in this set, thanks to your existing passive effect, Jaded. All sensation felt by either item in this set will be felt by both of you.

  >When you and Jade Walker are each wearing your respective item from this set, you may speak telepathically to one another.

  >The items from this set are capable of being removed and temporarily linked to others, but they do not wish to do this regurly.

  >Bond increases as both recipients wear their bonded item for uninterrupted periods of time. Next upgrade: 15 consecutive Earth days.

  >Each item in the set has semen with distinct alchemical properties. Mixing the two types of semen can combine these effects and create additional ones.

  >To proceed with these items, you must bond with Sabrina’s dick, and Jade Walker must bond with Jade’s dick. If either party refuses this bond, both items in this set will be destroyed.

  >Bond with Sabrina’s dick? (Y/N)

  >Y

  The Living Dildo removed itself from Sabrina, became pure light, and split into two. One hovered in front of each partner. Jade looked perplexed for a moment and then stared bnkly as she read the block of text. When she was done, her mouth fell open and widened into the biggest, goofiest smile Sabrina had ever seen. It was like a kid unexpectedly arriving at Disneynd.