Today, I'm pnning to end my life.

  Crazy thing is, I'm not sad or anything. I’m actually ughing as I stand here on the highest freaking mountain in existence, where the air's so thin I'm surprised I haven't combusted into a god. Scratch that—I am a god. I mean, come on. I just shouted at the weather and it listened.

  So, what's the pn? Well, it's simple. I'm going to pull the plug on this immortal form of mine and then hit rewind, resetting this whole melodramatic soap opera back to its juicy prologue. Why, you ask? Rookie mistake! I never collected a harem! I’ve got a list as long as the Great Wall of China of otherworldly beauties I was supposed to sweep off their jade slippers, but nada.

  I’m honest-to-God alone up here. Me, my shadow, and the echo that reminds me how empty life is when there’s no one to brag to about your test mixology cocktail.

  Suddenly, as I'm about to plummet dramatically into the next chapter of my life, a voice that sounds like it’s gargling thunder announces itself. "Divine Emperor Shin! I've come to cim your—”

  “Spare me the monologue!” I cut him off, literally, with a wave of my hand. A zany flick of the wrist scatters his might like confetti across nine realms, as if some celestial pi?ata exploded. Don’t even ask me who he was—didn't catch the name. His I'm-gonna-overthrow-you speech, unfortunately, not saved.

  Anyway, where was I? Right, death by introspection. Just as I’m contempting pulling off the biggest disappearing act of the century, another contender war-cries from above. I can almost hear the universe collectively facepalm.

  "Mwuahahahaha! I am beyond immortal now! You can't—"

  Where's the mute button? Oh, there it is. I condense an ounce of willpower and snap my fingers, sending him spiraling into a cosmic time-out dimension. They say time flies when you're having fun; not so much when you're eternally grounded.

  Now, let me wrap this rambling monologue up before—

  "Shin, you bastard! Return the Eyes of the Beholder, or I'll—"

  Someone should really give these guys a guidebook in coordination. Seriously, what's with the never-ending parade? They must have me confused with some kind of customer service hotline for mythical grievances.

  I gaze at the serpentine monstrosity hovering over me, the thing’s scales shimmering with threat. Let's make a neckce out of him. With enough fir to outshine a disco ball, I summon my power. "Alright, snake breath! You picked the wrong guy on the wrong day!"

  Cue the heavenly fireworks! Sky fractures like grandpa’s favorite china, and before long, there isn’t one. Everything’s painted silent bck, the reptilian menace reduced to mythic soup in a cosmic blink. I think I might have overdone it... again. Oops.

  The world falls back into serene quiet. It's just me now, humming that tune that keeps reminding me of how alone I truly am. I had a moment there, the type of moment where you wish there was someone else to roll their eyes at your theatrics. But nope, zip, zilch. Nada.

  I mop what remains of the cosmic floor, dispatching the Immortal Demon Emperor, the Great Serpent of the Boundless Void, the Twelve Heavenly Gods. I can hear Odin ughing in his mead, Zeus grumbling from his cloud of orgies. Amateurs, the lot of them.

  Oh look, a shiny door leading to an even higher realm? My curious nature flutters awake. Problem is, I'm at my capacity here—a level cap, if you will. Nothing a little meridian shattering and from-scratch cultivation can't fix.

  With that settled, I clench my fists, ready to crush my meridians to dust and reboot. Because why ascend higher when the more lovely job is reliving the journey, right? Time to traipse back onto the path, correct course, this time rectifying that rookie mistake with a harem... maybe I'll call the first one Ruby. Hey, if I'm going for cliché, might as well revel in it.

  And so, with a cackle that’d spook death itself, I jumpstart the do-over. See you on the flip side!