I had to leave.

  Obviously, she's making me rethink everything.

  she's even made me consider telling her.

  but that's not an option, Aqui herself approved of the pn.

  but she approved of Aurora-

  stop, you're making it worse.

  that's all I do anyway, make things worse.

  but I don't think like this around Max, not even when she's crying.

  does that mean she's good or bad for me?

  maybe I shouldn't have left her alone, I could have stayed and not worried into the night.

  that makes it more confusing, why don't I worry about it near her? isn't that supposed to make it worse?

  you know for a fact that she won't ever leave, that makes it better.

  yes, that's right, but then I'll have to be the one to leave, I would be the one to screw things up, for real, no one else intervening and making it my fault.

  cyanide, in my dresser, never open it without gloves, just in case.

  I have two days to decide, not that I have much of a choice, but I told her what it tastes and smells like.

  she's smart it won't kill her.

  but I guess if it does, she'll be leaving me, except it will still be my fault.

  but should I leave first? will it be better?

  just don't think about it, improvise everything, split second decisions constantly means not thinking.

  so maybe I'll leave her, maybe she'll leave me tomorrow and save me from guilt.

  it's always there, but still, knowing something and thinking it are very different things.