Volume 2: The Punctuation of Life (Revised Edition) Chapter 2: Unusual Desolation (Part 2)

  The exploration of human nature has been a topic that many philosophers have repeatedly pondered throughout history. Song Dynasty Confucian scholars firmly believed that the human heart possesses absolute control over one's emotions, and they proudly declared that as long as people constantly remember to calm their minds and reflect on themselves, cultivate their character and establish virtues, they can grasp the mysteries of life and rise above all things, overcoming any unfavorable circumstances. They treated humans purely as a piece of wood, ridiculously thinking that with some craftsmanship, they could be made into standardized tools. They didn't know that the hardships of life would cause people to lose control over themselves and their self-restraint. In front of three meals, all the philosophical teachings about the world that were squeezed out after eating one's fill all day would appear so ignorant.

  For me, for this child who knows his own bitter fate, nothing is more important than my healthy survival, especially since I found that with the money I earn from working, I can satisfy my stomach's needs and no longer have to worry about meals. Therefore, I will not give up this job that is so important to me for any other reason. Moreover, studying and reading are just tools to train and cultivate my future means of survival. Since both have the same goal, how could I let my current self go hungry because of these so-called rules and regulations? Furthermore, from elementary school to high school, I never took the school's rules seriously!

  I understand the grand and majestic principles, but I am even more aware of my reality. What exists is reasonable, and what is reasonable will exist. Since I go to work to fill my stomach, and after working my stomach is full, this is absolutely correct and reasonable for me. So this reason must exist steadfastly until the day when I no longer have to worry about my stomach.

  I know I must have infuriated the teacher, and the teacher won't let it go. Based on general human nature tactics analysis, he will take "kill the chicken to scare the monkey".

  But I don't care! To survive, I need to eat, to eat, I need to work, and to work, I have to skip school. I'm not bothered to apply for any financial aid for poor students.

  I'm actually famous! I'm actually famous!

  Teacher Zhang, accompanied by the student union officials, caught me with ease and brought me back without any trouble. Under the scornful gaze of my classmates, I once again endured Teacher Zhang's lengthy and stern lecture.

  If it were just about education, I would have nothing to say; but when my tattered clothes and this old bicycle also became the basis for ridicule by this well-dressed student union cadre, I was furious!

  Maybe someone else would be more humbled, bow their head and admit guilt, enduring all sorts of seemingly logical indoctrination; but I will never resist when someone lectures me in a tone that is insulting! Never have!

  "I'm telling you, classmate - you're dressed in such tattered clothes and riding such a broken-down bike, do you have the nerve to go out and play? Aren't you ashamed of disgracing us seniors?" This kid with gold-rimmed glasses seemed to squeeze out these chilling words from between his teeth.

  "How dare you say that to me! What I'm wearing is none of your business! My anger has been ignited, and my eyes are fixed on this pale face. 'You son of a bitch!' I shouted loudly, 'You don't know the difficulty of chopping firewood if you haven't climbed high mountains!' 'Say it again! Say it again! What I'm wearing is none of your business!'"

  His pale face was stunned by my anger.

  I don't care what they will do to me, I turned around and pushed the car, stepped on it with force, and rode away.

  To save face in front of me, a new student who had just entered the school, Teacher Zhang wanted to make an example out of me to intimidate all the new students who were still unaware of the school rules. The Student Union also wanted to show off its prestige in front of the new students and unanimously decided to deal with me severely. As a result, I was made an example of and my punishment decision was publicly announced: severe warning and deduction of some academic credits.

  I was penalized by the school just two months after I started college, and now I'm famous.

  I feel desolate, it's already 11 o'clock at night. I'm lying on the grass by the playground, feeling desolate.

  Just now at 9 o'clock, Wenli arrived at the dormitory under Huang Qiuya's escort. Her expression on her face completely ignored my ecstatic appearance. When I foolishly thought that Wenli had changed her mind and was secretly delighted to enthusiastically invite them to sit down and chat, she stood at the door and coldly said: "I was wrong about you! You're such an unambitious guy!"

  This voice, no longer soft and gentle, accompanied by Huang Qiuya's triumphant sneer when she turned around, completely froze my sky. The huge contrast, the intense emotional opposition, the sudden reversal of emotions from hot to cold, the complete destruction of tender feelings, the strong sense of emptiness like a god leaving one's body, the sudden awakening from a hundred years of romantic dreams, and the desperate despair of waiting in vain, caused my thoughts to congeal, my gaze to become dull, the air around me to solidify, and my soul to float away.

  The pain that is as real as it can get is completely different from the sorrow when grandfather passed away, and the unforgettable memories are like poison at this moment, deeply corroding my heart. The tender voice and laughter still echoing in my ears, the smiling face still before my eyes, the fragrance of orchid and musk still entering my lonely heart, I only now realize how much I miss Wenli, how much I long for her!

  "Hey, Longbiao, did you get dumped?" Shi Wei must have come to ask and verify something, slipped out of the dormitory and ran to the playground to find me, asking as soon as he opened his mouth.

  I looked around and saw five came three, just enough for a hearty meal.

  Among the five roommates, Shi Wei usually talks to me more often. He is a local Cantonese and seeing that I didn't respond, he asked again: "Isn't Lai Jie your favorite? Why did she say that today?"

  At this time, asking me such a question is undoubtedly an error, and not just a general lack of wisdom. But no matter what, I have no reason to vent my discontent to them, after all, they are also concerned about me, although it's inevitable that there are suspicions of prying into secrets and gossiping.

  "It's just a lost love, what's there to worry about! A man should be bold and carefree. There are three thousand beauties out there, you're still young, why worry that you won't find a wife?" Zhang Haitao from Shandong said with a straightforward tone, "Besides, you're only 15, the girls in your school are all older than you by a big margin, sister-brother love affair isn't suitable for you! Longbiao, don't worry! In the future, you'll have plenty of girlfriends!" He paused and continued, "What's so special about lost love? I started losing loves since middle school, I've lost four times in high school alone! Damn it. Just the other day, I wanted to ask Wu Qingfen out but she didn't agree, what's the big deal?! Look at me (he spread his arms), nothing happened! Just find another target and that's it!"

  Three people burst out laughing. Beijing native Liao Ye exclaimed, "Wow! Starting to experience heartbreak in junior high school! Impressive! I didn't know you had such a glorious history!"

  Zhang Haitao found himself lost for words and dryly laughed a few times.

  Wen Li never appeared in front of me again, and I stood far away from her dormitory a few times, seeing her figure. My letters also gradually decreased, and I felt like I had nothing to say to my fellow villagers, teachers, and classmates, just repeating the same words.

  Liu, the old Chinese doctor, sent me 500 yuan and told me not to be frugal, that growing strong was important. I wrote back to tell him that I was already working hard and studying diligently, and could support myself, emphasizing that I didn't need his financial assistance. So I sent the money back to him.

  I almost categorically refused Wenli's offer to bring me the living expenses prepared by her father for me. I was just an orphan, and the Wu family had nothing to do with me. If I were to say why I accepted it before but refused now, I think it might be because at that time I simply took Wenli as my future wife, as a way to fill the spiritual void left by Grandpa Qi's passing. Wenli became my spiritual dependence. But now there is no reason for me to accept their gifts, which are nothing different from charity.

  I don't know if I'm extremely self-abased, or extremely arrogant, or extremely ignorant. I just want to completely and thoroughly adhere to my own standing principles. In doing so, I have unintentionally hurt many kind people who care about me, and it wasn't until much later that I realized how wrong I was.

  The whole classroom was filled with classmates who were focused on the teacher's enthusiastic lecture, looking very attentive and receptive to the instructor's teachings. I sat in the back row of seats, gazing out the window at the white clouds drifting lazily by, changing shapes under the caress of the wind. I listened to the birds chirping incessantly among the branches, exchanging language without pause. I couldn't tell the difference between the calls of these birds and those from our hometown in Hunan. It seemed that there was no regional accent or dialect difference in their chirps, unlike my classmates who spoke with different accents when talking to each other. But whenever they were about to communicate with others, they would instantly switch to a carefully imitated Beijing accent, slightly curling their tongues and pronouncing Mandarin from the movement of their lips and teeth. Humans are indeed more complex than birds, as proven by language alone.

  I'm often made fun of by them, my plastic Mandarin is studied back and forth, it's really strange, I can accept everything quickly, but I just can't get used to my own accent. Shi Wei said that my English pronunciation is so bad that it's better described as "cruel", while my Mandarin is like a terrifying Japanese oni for him. My roommates even exaggeratedly say that they need to sacrifice brain cells to decipher the content of my speech. There was even a classmate who asked if I was from an ethnic minority, such as Yao, Miao, Dong or Tujia! Some people even suggested that I should perform an ethnic program at the New Year's party, so everyone can experience and appreciate my ethnic style directly.

  I can sing folk songs, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never reach the level of national style, and absolutely don't have the national characteristics they think I possess.

  I was thinking in a muddled way. My brain kept on repeating everything that was consistent and inconsistent with others, compatible and incompatible, in a wild and fanciful manner.

  Only Shi Wei knew why I often skipped class. This clever guy inferred that I must have gone out to make money by analyzing my spending habits, diet, and dressing style. I even suspected that he had wondered if I was going to pick up trash, although he hesitated and didn't dare ask me. But I'm sure he thought so because he once mentioned to me on the playground that there were many homeless people picking up trash near his home. I glared at him fiercely, and he smiled awkwardly, not daring to continue talking nonsense. He treated me like a younger brother and was very kind to me, often bringing me delicious food. His mother's fried dough pastry tasted great, and under his probing questions, I told him the truth about going out to work.

  If it weren't for his dissuasion and advice, I would still be going against the wind, sticking to my original schedule. After being punished, I felt that what he said was also reasonable, so I gave up on the noon time slot.

  But I didn't regard him as my friend, in my eyes, the noble word "friend" is too far away from me, he was just my classmate, just my roommate, just like Zhang Haitao and Liao Ye.

  I know that Uncle Qi said Mom was a native of Changhan City, and she grew up here, met Dad here, and then followed him to Shancheng, to Xiongshan, where my brother and I were born. Twenty years have passed, and now only I am left alone in this world. I don't know how Dad, Mom, Brother, and Uncle Qi are living under the nine springs, or if they're watching me from there. Often, with eyes searching for history's past, I gaze at every brick, every small tree, every street, and every footprint that exists or has disappeared on those streets. I'm lost in thought: Was Mom here? Did she walk this road? On this land, twenty years ago, did Dad and Mom stand together, gazing out at the view?

  Man is a creature of habit, this is the philosophy I have summarized. People get used to many things and don't think about changing. I got used to reading books and got used to working, so I didn't want to move my pen; I got used to daydreaming every day, so I didn't want to deeply think about my own future; I got used to escaping the fate of my family in books, so I became melancholy and unhappy in reality.

  Ma Zhe's monistic theory and absolute truth-like assertions made it impossible for me to connect with the representation of reality, I painstakingly searched, savored, and pondered the logical reasoning and theoretical arguments of philosophical giants such as Hegel, Nietzsche, Kant, Bacon, Schopenhauer, etc. The disgust towards lecturers' recitation, the dryness and dullness of professional courses, the loathing towards school teachers who were all lumped together, everything made me urgently want to escape. I constantly tried to find books that would bring me peace and tranquility in the vast ocean of books in the library, starting my escapism, building my own spiritual paradise, unknowingly becoming as boring as Plato, learning to find spiritual comfort for myself like Ah Q.

  I have no relatives, no friends, and no love, I am crazy about books. So the book, which records the cultural accumulation of history, philosophy, stories and so on for thousands of years, has become my little dog, my Wenli, my beloved Qi grandfather for life.

  I once wrote in a short essay with endless sorrow: "My heart accuses me: 'Why can't I have a flower?'"

  "I hastily replied: 'Alas, I don't know where to pick them up. Although there are many in the world, none of them is the classic you asked for.'"

  "Scoffed with disdain: 'Then go ahead and listen to your heavenly music, go gaze at your stars!'"

  I broke out in a cold sweat: "This is winter, the fragrance of heaven and earth has been exhausted, and the polar wind has frozen life."

  "Can't you use your fiery passion to thaw this frozen world?"

  I was on the verge of tears: "This is a desolate land, what I know is not what I seek, and what I seek I do not yet know."

  "My heart is weary and I say: 'If I still don't have my flower, I will be gone.'"

  But, my heart, does the flower you want have life?

  In the desolate world, you are enslaved by reality, fantasizing about a utopian land, wandering in the song of fallen leaves, but ultimately just roaming in the forest of dreams.