[CW: a little bit of daydreamy smut at the end]

  In my dream, I was a girl.

  I wasn’t a floating consciousness, tethered to the vague assumption of a body. In fact, I wasn’t detached in any way.

  I was my body, embedded, embodied. I swirled with thick, vivid vortexes of sensation, attraction, pleasure. The relieved realization that this was my waking body now, too, bubbled lightly in my torso.

  Another girl pressed up against me, warm tingle of skin on skin. The euphoric flutter of being wanted in this way. Her leg pushed between my legs, and the emptiness in that juncture, the smooth, hot, firm fit of my crotch with her thigh, rocketed solidly right up into my brain as right. Her lips moved on my ear and—

  I woke abruptly, blinking in the mplight. There was a kettle whistling. Pasha was moving around in the kitchen.

  My pussy pulsed with a pleasant aching. I pushed down the urge to touch myself, and struggled upright in the hammock. I glimpsed Pasha observing me impassively. I tried to swing my legs out but my toe caught and I tipped over, spilling to the floor with an undignified squeak of arm.

  Hot-faced, I struggled up. Pasha’s back was turned again—he was attending to something on the stove. The aroma of toasted grain wafted over.

  “There are clothes for you by the hearth,” he called over his shoulder.

  I felt a hitch of excitement. Finally, clothes that were for me! It took me a few minutes to sort the pieces into an outfit. There seemed to be stockings, underwear, a shift, headscarves, a pin, bck dress and a crisply starched apron.

  I thanked Pasha excitedly, and received a non-committal grunt for my trouble. My glow faded somewhat as I realized I was going to have to change right here in the middle of the room. I sighed. Good thing I’d gotten so much practice being naked in front of a handsome boy I didn’t know very well, tely.

  I shucked my old clothes into a heap as quickly as possible and began the ungainly process of getting into unfamiliar clothes for the first time. Donning the stockings and panties went as well as could be hoped, but the catch for the bra stopped me in my tracks. I filed and reached, hyper conscious of Pasha, spooning porridge and watching me struggle. Finally I heard him sigh and scrape his chair as he stood.

  “Drop your arms.” I flushed in embarrassment and obeyed. He stopped right behind me.

  “Turn towards the light, this way.” A tingle of goosebumps raced up my scalp as deft, warm fingers wrapped around my upper arms, rotating me. My pussy clenched and I submitted to his touch unthinkingly.He repositioned me with easy firmness and I found myself staring into an oval wall mirror that I hadn’t noticed before.

  I watched, entranced, as the nearly naked girl in the reflection blushed and shivered. Behind her, Pasha frowned in concentration. Wonder rushed through me like a great wind, tugging at and buffeting my insides.

  “I hate these things,” he muttered. “There. Done.”

  He brusquely helped me don the shift and dress. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the mirror, as I watched my reflection peek back at me from inside of each new piece of clothing.

  It was finally happening. I could scarcely believe it. The clothes were pin, and rough, but the way they held to my body felt good. And the way they made me look...

  My brain stuttered, even as my heart soared like a great-winged bird spiraling on a thermal.I could feel deep connections forming below my conscious awareness, like submerged puzzle-pieces clicking into pce.

  I wanted to moon, wide-eyed, at myself forever, but Pasha was clearly impatient. He let me wolf down some porridge, before herding me outside into the chill, pre-dawn gloom.

  Just as I had st night, I stumbled after him through narrow, cobbled streets that all looked the same, until I had lost all sense of direction. Finally, we crossed a bridge arching over dark, rushing waters. On the other side was a frosted meadow, with a wide path leading through it.

  I followed Pasha into the woods, my breath blooming pale in the cold air. To the east, the sky was lightening. My head was bustling with curiosity and questions, but I bit them back. Pasha clearly didn’t want to talk to me.

  Was it because he knew I was kuffa? But he seemed impatient with me, not disgusted. I wondered about his retionship to Aralia.Was she holding something over Pasha’s head as well? I tried to remember st night. Hadn’t she seemed to be the one in charge?

  Looking ahead at his straight back, I felt a pang of loneliness—a strange counter weight to the lift and lightness bubbling in my breast. I really was alone here, now more than ever.

  I felt like I’d stepped out onto a springy, sloping fir branch, only half-expecting it to bear my weight. And yet, it had? I could only hope that it would hold under the next step, and the next. I was walking between treetops, with a long way to fall, and no going back—even if I wanted to, where could I go?

  I drew a deep lungful of the fresh, chill morning air. A clear certainty was blooming in me, edged with all the glittering sharpness of survival.

  I had to keep going, keep following the dark, clear openings of light in my belly, keep taking what stumbled-on chances I could find.

  I couldn’t count on Pasha, couldn’t really count on Aralia, despite all that I owed her. The bottom line was that she had me in a position of complete vulnerability. She could do whatever she wanted to me, and I had no recourse, no defense, no allies.

  My immediate priority had to be keeping her happy, and not giving her any reason to rethink her decision to burden herself with the risk of hiding me. Beyond that, if I could survive long enough, maybe I could find some scrap of leverage or protection for myself.

  The starkness of my position should have felt meager, and yet right now, breathing the damp, clean air of the woods, finally cd in clothes that made sense to me, I just felt tensely alive, wired with determination and buzzing with marvel.

  I shook my head in amazement. I had finally done it—I had transformed.

  I got to be a girl, now.

  I was absurdly lucky to have even gotten this far, and yet it felt like nothing could assail the sheer, breathless wonder inside me—not the razor edge of danger, not my doubt and loneliness, not even the terror of getting caught. I felt an absurd urge to whistle.

  The trees thinned, and I began to glimpse the soaring towers and graystone edifices of Harmine. We circled the edge of the massive sprawl, until we came to a newer-looking building, built of red brick, boasting four sprawling wings extending from a central hub.

  Pasha led me to a basement door, below ground level. He pushed it open and released a warm bst of steam, smelling of undry chemicals. We entered a rabbit’s warren of narrow corridors with doors leading off of them.

  After some twists and turns, Pasha knocked on one of the doors, and I heard a strong, chipper voice call, “Hullo!”

  He turned to me. “Wait here a moment.” The door closed behind him.

  I looked curiously around. I could still smell undry, and there was the telltale clunk and hiss of a boiler—too loud to eavesdrop.Down the corridor, a door banged open and a raucous voice spilled out, followed by two figures carrying hampers full of crumpled sheets.

  “—and do you know what that little cunt said to me?”

  They turned and began marching towards me. I fttened myself against the recessed door to give them room to pass.

  “She said—and, listen, I know everyone’s always telling me, ‘Roz, you exaggerate’ and ‘Come now, Roz’ but no, this is what she actually said, I shit you not, she said ‘I thought you liked it that way.’”

  The other person snorted. They were both dressed as I was, though I took note of the different way they wore their headscarves. I felt a tremor of trepidation as I saw how much they were each carrying.

  They bustled right up alongside me before one of them looked twice at me.

  “Hey! A new girl! What’s your name, ss?”

  My heart gave a rousing thud. “Hi,” I said shyly. “I’m Ellie.”

  “Ellie! That’s a sweet name,” said the raucous one. “I’m Roz.”

  “Batisse,” said the other shortly, and shrugged her load up a little. “First day is always hard. Keep your head down and you’ll get through it.”

  “Luck!” called Roz, over her shoulder.

  Then they were gone. I sagged in relief, hope blossoming inside me. I had passed as a girl. I’d even said something, introduced myself. Maybe I really could do this.

  The door I was pressed against abruptly opened inwards, and I staggered backwards, stepped on the hem of my dress, and sat down hard on the floor.

  Pasha was looking down at me, mouth twisted in exasperation.

  I blushed, and scrambled upright.

  I was in a long, rectangur room. There was a small kitchen at one end, a desk and filing cabinets at the other, and a long table between them that boasted more scars and stains than any alchemy workstation in the bs.

  Sitting at the table was a young, powerfully-built woman with a shaved head and the most beautiful, plump cheeks I’d ever seen. Her cheeks entranced me instantly. I wanted to have cheeks like that. She had a ledger open in front of her, with quill and ink and penknife beside it, but she was looking straight at me.

  “Sit down, Ellie.”

  I heard the door close, and looked around to find Pasha gone.

  Oh.

  I sat down in the nearest chairs, heart sinking, careful not to trip over my dress again. Who was this? What had Pasha told her about me? Was he coming back?

  “I’m Jaques. You’ll be working here under my supervision. If you have any questions, or have any problems, or you get into some kind of situation you can’t handle, you can bring all that to me, got it?”

  I nodded quickly.

  There was an expectant pause, and I hurried to fill it. “Yes.”

  Then uncertainly added, “Thank you.”

  Jaques raised her eyebrows at me. “You’re a skittish little thing, aren’t you?”

  I nodded nervously, and she ughed. It was a bright, unrestrained sound, with no mockery in it. It reminded me of Kisma, and I felt myself untense a little.

  “Well, then. I’ll y it out for you straight, since you’re one of Pasha’s, and he’s asked me to look out for you.”

  My heart jumped a little. Pasha wanted me looked out for? And had spent a favor to make it happen?

  “Our little warren down here might seem below the notice of Harmine’s power pys, but don’t be fooled. Every one of us owes something to someone else and may be looking for any chance to take on another master, or trade up to a more powerful one, or game both ends against the middle, or broker information for a freence price. I’m proud to say we’re not as cutthroat as some other staff departments, and more loyal to each other than most, but it pays not to tempt anyone, as they say.”

  She looked at me frankly. “Apparently your only assignment is to keep your head down and not cause any problems, not draw too much attention. I guess I’m even starting to believe that. So. If anyone—student, teacher or staff—comes asking for favors or offering coin, just stay tight-lipped and ignore them. I run a tight ship and I’ll see that nobody takes it amiss. If you can handle that much and you don’t get too ambitious or rent your mouth to the rumor mill, you’ll do fine here.”

  I blinked. “Okay. And thank you, miss.”

  “And she’s mannered, as well! The st warning is also the most important: stay away from the Stormcroft Prefect, Penelope Caul, and anything to do with her. Her web is very sticky and very dangerous and very hungry. Don’t let yourself get eaten. Understood?”

  I swallowed. “Yes. I think so.”

  “Right,” said Jaques, rising. “Come with me and we’ll set you up.”

  I followed her out.

  “Most of us live in town, but I’ve been told that’s not an option for you.” She stopped at an intersection and turned to face me. “Down that way, there are a dozen or so sleeping cells. Feel free to pick an empty one.”

  We continued on. My head spun with all the rapid newness as I tried to absorb everything Jaques was saying.

  “Down that way is the staff undry supply, take whatever you need from there.” She stopped at the bottom of a stairwell. “I trust you can work a mop? Good. You’ll be doing the whole third floor for me today. There are broom closets on each floor, by the stairs. Come back down at shift break, come find me and we’ll get you fed and watered. Any questions for me? No? Right then,” she shooed me, turning back the way we’d come. “Off you go.”

  I took a deep breath and began climbing the stairs.

  ~ ~ ~

  I dipped the mop into the bucket, lifted it into the wringer,squeezed, and watched the mostly clear water sluice away. There had been barely any dirt on the floor to begin with.

  Mopping normally didn’t bother me. It was simple enough, and I liked the crity of it—there was no uncertainty with mopping, you always knew what you’d completed and what was still left to do. I liked that I was finally alone with my thoughts and safe.

  Was I safe?

  I’d tensed when students began to wake up and leave their rooms, but they had all ignored me completely, and soon my shoulders had dropped their tight guard again. I had even tentatively tried humming to myself. After a dangerous, high-stakes whirlwind, I seemed to have nded fine.

  I liked it here, I decided. It was much better than Oakridge House. There were fewer students, and all of them were girls. I knew it was foolish to let that comfort me—I had certainly glimpsed no ck of allegiance insignia on their bags and brooches, hats and cloaks—but I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t feel at least a little better.

  At least here, I was presenting basically as myself—even counting the obscuring cover of my legend and much moreso than if I were still trapped in boy zoo, pretending to be the old me.

  Now, if I could only convince my body to finally rex…

  Gradually though, a different kind of tension began to stew and seep inside me.

  I wondered what Alexi must think, now that I’d been gone almost a whole day. My mind slipped back to the st time I’d seen him, the way he’d pulled my head back and slipped his thumb into my mouth, the way he’d smirked as I moaned and pped breathlessly.

  I shook a little, as heat fshed through all my limbs. My hand, clenching his shirt as one of his arms circled my shoulders and the other moved between my legs, pumping two slick fingers in and out of me.

  ‘What, nothing to say for yourself?’ Alexi mocked, right into my face. ‘I asked you a question, Ellie.’

  ‘S-sorry,’ I whimpered, gzed and red-cheeked.

  I was going to miss his cock, and his hips with their easy, liquid rhythm that could coax me into a dripping, convulsive frisson of mewling and whining.

  I took a shuddering breath.

  I wondered if, next time I saw Aralia, she would taunt me again. I squeezed the mop.

  Would she do more to me? The thought of her hand on my throat, her thumb pressing down on my tongue—a soft, strangled moan escaped me. Why oh why was I craving to be treated this way?

  In a flushed haze, I finished the rest of the floor for that wing, and walked to the far end of the next, little drops of moisture running down the inside of my thighs. With a longing look at the washroom door, I began mopping. I probably wasn’t supposed to use the student washrooms. But what if I just popped in quickly, and…took care of myself?

  I hadn’t seen a student in almost a full bell. Just as I was deciding that it was probably all right, I heard a door open, further up the corridor, and footsteps.

  I turned to look, and immediately stiffened. I felt the blood drain from my face.

  It was that noble, the fox-faced one that had grabbed me across the stockroom counter, and behind her was—

  The dark-eyed girl from the courtyard, the one I’d spent all term avoiding in Apomasaics.

  Both of them. Together.

  My heart spiked with terror. They were watching me, conferring quietly with each other. The tall one had a jar—

  Oh, no.

  The hair she’d taken from me. It had to be—

  A dowser. There was no fooling a dowser.

  They had certainly recognized me. They would know I was kuffa.

  I was so fucked.

  ChaoticArmcandy

  I'll still probably post Patreon chapters of Wistful over the next few weeks, but I think I need a little bit of a recharge period around TTGG and I want to focus on inhaling the growing stack of books that I've been putting off reading in order to meet my writing goals. In the "future", I aim to establish more structure both in helping myself keep TTGG's complex plot on track in my notes and in setting up a consistent and productive and boundaried writing schedule. Overall I'm excited to try this change out and I think it will be really all around positive for the quantity, quality and sustainability of the content I publish! thank you again for all your support! it means a lot to me <3