Step 1: Assemble Your ArsenalBegin by gathering the following:

  Financial records (bank statements, tax returns, receipts for gifts you now regret).

  Prenuptial agreements, if applicable. (Note: If you didn’t sign one, skip to Section 3: “Emotional Triage.”)

  Evidence of “irreconcible differences” (text messages, emails, photos of suspiciously ptonic “work friends”).

  Organize these materials in a binder beled Project Freedom. Use tab dividers for efficiency: Financial Crimes, Betrayals, Miscelneous Regrets.

  Checklist for Success:?? Create a numbered list of grievances. Example:

  Left dishes in the sink, 04/12/2022.

  Forgot your sister’s birthday, deliberately (?), 09/05/2023.

  Existed, perpetually, in a way that irritates you.

  ?? Secure a forensic accountant. (Optional but advised: Love fades; hidden offshore accounts do not.)

  ?? Purchase a red pen. You’ll need it to circle lies in their deposition.

  Diagram 1A: Is Your Spouse a Monster? (Y/N)

  START → Did they eat the st yogurt without asking? │ ├─ YES → Did they bme the dog? │   │ │   ├─ YES → Consult a hitman. │   └─ NO → Consult a therapist. │ └─ NO → Did they fold the towels "wrong" on purpose?   │   ├─ YES → File Form 12-C: "Passive-Aggressive Warfare."   └─ NO → Are you sure you want to do this?     │     ├─ YES → Proceed to Step 2.     └─ NO → Buy more yogurt. Try again in 3 weeks.

  You find a Valentine’s card in a client’s file–your client’s, not yours. It’s cheap cardstock, the kind you’d grab at a gas station. Inside, a handwritten note: “To the love of my life. Next time, I’ll buy the good chocotes. – J.”

  Your hands shake. Not because of the sentiment, obviously. Because your pen is out of ink.

  You open your desk drawer to repce it and see it there: the card they gave you on your wedding day. “To my partner in crime,” it said. You’d ughed, then. Crime implied passion, danger, a shared pulse. Now you tally felonies in bullet points.

  Case Study: 1.1Client 14-F filed for divorce after discovering her spouse’s “hidden hobby”: building dollhouses. Alleged emotional neglect due to “excessive glue fumes.” The court awarded her the dog, the house, and his entire collection of miniature chandeliers.

  Next Steps:Label all evidence with sticky notes. Use colors strategically:

  Red: Lies.

  Yellow: Ambiguities.

  Green: Moments you almost loved them. (Discard these immediately.)

  Final Reminder:Divorce is not a tragedy. It’s a logistical challenge. You are not a heartbroken lover. You are a project manager. Your emotions have been outsourced.

  1.1 Pro tip: Nostalgia is a liability. Burn sentimental items–or bill hourly to dwell on them. (See Appendix B: “Monetizing Mencholy.”)

  The card stays in the drawer. You tell yourself it’s for evidence. You tell yourself a lot of things these days.