Step 2: Secure Legal CounselObjective: Retain a wyer who views love as a contractual oversight.

  Avoid attorneys who use phrases like “colborative process” or “healthy closure.” You’re not co-authoring a memoir; you’re drafting a surrender treaty.

  Checklist for Vetting Lawyers: ?? Ask: “What’s your win rate for screwing over kindergarten teachers?” (If they hesitate, walk out.)?? Review their office décor. Ideal candidates dispy:

  Taxidermied predators.

  Framed client testimonials like “Thanks for ruining my ex!”

  A coffee mug that reads “Tears Fuel Me.”

  ?? Ensure they bill in 15-minute increments, including time spent judging your life choices.

  Script for Initial Consultation:“I’m not here for empathy. I’m here for annihition. My spouse thinks we’re ‘soulmates.’ I think they’re a tax deduction gone rogue. Make them disappear.”

  Your phone buzzes during a client meeting. The screen fshes: “Home.” You silence it. Your spouse hasn’t called in weeks. Not since the night you came home smelling like bourbon and Xerox toner, muttering about contested assets.

  “Ignore it,” your wyer says, nodding at your phone. “Emotional leverage.”

  You nod back, professionalism as your armor. But the voicemail they leave is just static and a sigh. You py it three times. Four. Five. The sigh cracks into something like a sob. Or maybe it’s the poor connection.

  You draft a motion to dismiss a client’s alimony cim. The words blur: “irretrievable breakdown,” “equitable distribution,” “cruel and inhuman treatment.” You wonder if your spouse would describe the coffee table argument as “cruel.” You’d called them a “sentimental hoarder.” They’d called you a “soulless spreadsheet.”

  Fair.

  Case Study: 2.1Client 22-M hired a wyer who cried during mediation. (“It was just so sad,” the wyer sniffed.) Result: Client lost the house, the dog, and 40% of his Pokémon card collection. Moral: Hire sociopaths.

  Red Fgs in Legal Representation:

  They use heart emojis in emails.

  They suggest “taking a breather” to save the marriage. (Note: Fire them. Immediately.)

  They own a therapy license. (Double fire them.)

  Final Tip:Your wyer is not your friend. Your wyer is a mercenary. Pay them to burn the vilge, salt the earth, and itemize the ashes.

  2.1 Fun fact: 73% of “amicable” divorces involve at least one party crying in a parking garage. The other 27% lie.

  You bill the client for the full hour, including the six minutes you spent staring at your phone. Professionalism is key. You delete the voicemail. Then you dig through the trash to recover it. For evidence, you tell yourself. Always evidence.