Step 3: Divide Assets (and Dignity)Objective: Assign monetary value to everything–even the things that shouldn’t have one. 3.1

  Use a spreadsheet. Label columns: Item, Sentimental Value, Resale Value, Who Cries First.

  Checklist for Equitable Distribution:?? Tangible Assets: Furniture, real estate, that hideous vase from their mother.?? Intangible Assets: Dignity (priceless, but try 0 for tax purposes).?? Shared Trauma: Split evenly. Example: You keep the memory of their affair; they keep your mutual disdain for jazz.

  Spreadsheet Example:

  ItemSentimental ValueResale ValueWinnerWedding rings"LOL"1,200PawnshopDog (Rex)"Unconditional love"0 (priceless)You (hopefully)Marital bed"Mostly insomnia"300Burn it You argue over the coffee table. The one you bought together at a flea market, sanded, and stained the color of bourbon. They say it’s theirs because they picked it. You say it’s yours because you hid the wine stains.

  “You’re being petty,” they say.“You’re being nostalgic,” you snap.

  Later, you draft a cuse for Client 9-D: “Petition to award the espresso machine to the respondent, as the petitioner clearly cks the maturity to operate it.” You highlight the line, imagining your spouse reading it. Would they ugh? Would they even recognize your voice anymore?

  The spreadsheet glows on your screen. You type “Coffee Table” under Item, then pause. The cursor blinks, mocking. You delete it. Add it again. Delete.

  Case Study:Client 14-G traded custody of their cat for a vinyl collection. “Cats are overrated,” they said. “Bowie is forever.” Six months ter, they begged the court for visitation rights. Denied. Moral: Sentimentality is a renewable resource. Exploit it.

  Script for Mediation:“We’re not arguing over a toaster. We’re arguing over who failed the toaster. You left crumbs in the dial. I left it unplugged for safety. Let’s agree it was a joint effort.”

  Final Reminder:Love is a liability. Nostalgia is a spreadsheet error. If you feel a pang of loss, recategorize it as “depreciation.”

  3.1 Pro tip: Assign value to their childhood teddy bear. Watch them fight for it. Then say, “Just kidding. Burn it.” Emotional warfare is technically inadmissible, but wildly effective.

  You leave the coffee table off the spreadsheet. A loophole, you tell yourself. A clerical error. Not a surrender. Definitely not a plea.