Step 5: Finalize the PaperworkObjective: Terminate the marriage with the clinical precision of a b dissecting a frog.

  Checklist for Completion:?? Signatures Required: Two witnesses (preferably strangers who’ve never believed in love), one notary public, and the ghost of whatever na?veté convinced you to say “I do.”?? File Form 12-B: “Petition to Erase Shared History” (Attach photos of all mutual friends you’ll awkwardly avoid post-divorce).?? Update Legal Documents:

  Wills (Delete “beloved spouse,” insert “cat”).

  Emergency contacts (Repce their number with a therapist’s).

  Tempte: Final Decree Excerpt ?.1“Party A (hereinafter ‘The Victim’) and Party B (hereinafter ‘The Vilin’) agree to dissolve the contractual farce herein referred to as ‘marriage.’ Party A retains custody of the Nespresso machine; Party B keeps the emotional baggage. Signed in blood, sweat, and residual hope.”

  The envelope arrives at noon. Your assistant pces it on your desk with a sticky note: “FYI–looks urgent.” You know the weight of it before you slice it open. Inside, the divorce papers. Their handwriting on the address bel–still that messy cursive, the T crossed like a sword.

  You scan Section 3a. A typo: “irretrievable breakdownn.” The extra n mocks you. You grab your red pen, circle it, margin note: “Typographical error. Amend to ‘breakdown.’” Your hand doesn’t shake. Not even a tremor. Professionalism is a muscle. You’ve flexed it to atrophy.

  You Remember. Your wedding day. The officiant mispronounced “cherish” as “perish.” You’d ughed. They’d kissed you anyway. Now you initial page 7, line 22, and try not to wonder if they kept the photos.

  Case Study:Client 7-J demanded custody of a pet rock named “Rocky” in the decree. The judge ruled it a “metaphorical custody battle,” awarding Rocky to the party who “could best articute its emotional needs.” Spoiler: The rock went to the wyer.

  Script for Signing Ceremony:“Pce pen to paper. Ignore the part of your brain screaming this is a mistake. That part is fired. Breathe. Initial. Repeat. Congratutions–you’re free. Or whatever.”

  Final Reminder:Love is a temporary glitch in the system. Marriage is a beta test. The only error is thinking you could debug it.

  ?.1 Pro tip: Laminate the decree. Tears smear ink, and saltwater voids warranties. (See Appendix D: “Crying in Corporate Restrooms.”)

  You sign. The red pen leaves a jagged line, ink clotting like a scab. Your assistant files the papers. You don’t cry. You don’t. You–

  The pen runs dry. Of course it does. You toss it in the trash. It ctters against the coffee table leg, still waiting in the garage. You’ll deal with it ter. Or never. The manual doesn’t cover “ter.”