Step 6: Move On (or Pretend To)Objective: Eradicate all traces of the marriage. Become a ghost haunting your own life.
Checklist for Success: ?.1?? Delete Photos: Start with wedding albums. End with that blurry pic of them ughing at a gas station hot dog.?? Block Numbers: Theirs, their mother’s, the Thai pce that knew your order by heart.?? Rebrand: Buy a pnt. Name it something uncomplicated, like Steve. Tell Steve about your day. Cry when Steve dies in two weeks.
Diagram 6A: The Grief Cycle (Revised Corporate Edition)
START │ ▼ ┌─────────── DENIAL ?────────┐ │ "I'm thriving!" │ └───────────? ANGER │ │ "Who the hell overwaters Steve?"│ │ │ ▼ │ BILLABLE HOURS │ │ "Work through the pain" │ │ │ ▼ │ ACCEPTANCE ──────────────┘ │ "Steve was a │ metaphor anyway."
You draft a self-help article titled “10 Steps to Survive Being Alone.” You write: “Step 1: Breathe.” Delete. “Step 1: Pretend breathing is a choice.” Delete. “Step 1: Don’t–” The cursor blinks. The screen reflects your face–pale, cracked, a stranger’s. You close the ptop.
The coffee table is in your living room now. You dragged it in from the garage at 3 a.m., sweat and splinters in your palms. It doesn’t fit the new décor (minimalist, sterile, a showroom for ghosts). But here it sits, wine stains and all. You trace the ring marks with your thumb. They’d left a coaster once. You’d mocked them for it.
Your phone buzzes. A notification: “Memory: 1 year ago today.” A photo pops up. You, them, the coffee table. A half-finished puzzle between you. “1000 pieces,” they’d said. “Just like us.” You’d rolled your eyes. Now you stare at the gap where two pieces are missing. You always hated puzzles.
Case Study:Client 33-N deleted all traces of her ex, then panic-googled “how to unblock numbers” after adopting a dog named Steve. The dog now answers to “Steve (Do Not Love Him).” Court ruling pending.
Script for Post-Divorce Small Talk:“How are you?”“Reborn.” (Practice in the mirror until your smile doesn’t look like a scream.)
Final Reminder:Love is a glitch. Marriage is a pop-up ad. Closure is a myth sold by therapists and scented-candle companies.
?.1 Discimer: Results may vary. Repse rates are 89% in the first year. The other 11% are lying. No refunds.
You don’t burn the coffee table. You don’t donate it. You leave it there, a relic in a museum of one. Some nights, you rest your winegss on it without a coaster. Progress, you tell yourself. Rebellion. They’d hate this.
The article stays unfinished. The pnt dies. You buy another. Name it Steve 2.0. You tell it, “I’m fine.” It droops anyway.
The manual said Step 6 was the end. But there’s no Step 7 for the nights you pace, no bullet point for the voicemail you still repy. No flowchart for the way your hands shake when you pass that Thai pce. No appendix for the hole where the puzzle pieces go.
You sit at the coffee table, pen hovering over a legal pad. The red ink’s long dried up. You write anyway, pressing until the paper tears:
Step 7: Breathe. Just…
The rest is silence.
Final Note (Unofficial):This concludes How to Dissolve a Marriage in Six Easy Steps. For unresolved issues, please consult Appendix Z: “The Manual Doesn’t Cover This Part.” (Note: Appendix Z is bnk.)
