A soft bell chimes over my head as I walk into the building. I feel my mom’s hand squeeze my shoulder, and I lean into her touch. It’s going to be okay. No reason to be nervous, Emmy. I step forward up to the counter, and watch as a short young curvy blonde woman approaches. Oh, she’s hot…

  “Hi!” She says brightly. “You must be Emmy!”

  “Yes,” I say with a soft smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “It’s nice to meet you too.” She says with a grin. “I’m already all set up for you.”

  “We’re all good here then?” My mom asks.

  “Yup!” The woman responds happily. “All good.”

  “In that case,” My mom says, as she squeezes my shoulder once more. “I’m gonna head home. See you in a few hours, Princess.”

  “See you in a bit, Mom.” I say, and turn to wrap her into a hug.

  She hugs me back before walking out of the salon. I turn back and follow the blonde woman to a salon chair in the corner of the room. She gestures to the chair, and I sit down. She gives me a smile as she turns me around to face the mirror.

  “I’m Jocelyn, by the way.” She says as her fingers dive into my hair.

  “Emmy.” I say, and then blush furiously. “But you already knew that.”

  She lets out a soft giggle. “So, what are you looking to get done today, Doll.”

  “I want to get my hair done in an overtly feminine way.” I say, wishing my face would get less red, not more. “And then I want it dyed.”

  “Got any preferences on style?” She asks with a smile.

  “I have no idea what my options even are.” I admit. “Just do what you want. I trust you.”

  “Sounds good.” She says happily. “What color did you want?”

  “I was thinking like a blue purple.” I say softly. “The color of the night sky… maybe with some colorful highlights to look like the northern lights?”

  “Oh, Doll,” She says excitedly. “I’m already seeing the vision. You’re going to look so cute, you’ll have boys falling all over you.”

  “Hopefully some girls too.” I joke mely.

  She leans down, her mouth next to my ear. “Girls too, Doll. You’ll be irresistible. Don’t you worry.”

  And just like that, any chance of me not looking like a tomato goes out the window. I open my mouth to try and speak, but just end up closing it. She giggles again, and pulls her fingers from my hair before walking over to the counter.

  “So, normally I would dye your hair first,” She says with a smile. “But considering the highlights you want, I’m going to cut it first, sound good?”

  I nod. “Sounds good.”

  She grabs a spray bottle, and starts wetting my hair before bringing the scissors to my head. “So, tell me about yourself, Doll.”

  “Well…” I say softly. “I don’t really know what to say. I’m starting highschool soon. I’m a musician…” I sigh. “There’s really not much to talk about.”

  “That’s cool.” She says as she starts snipping my hair. “Tell me about your music.”

  “I mainly do hyperpop, although recently I’ve been thinking about getting into pop punk.” I say simply.

  “What do you sing about?” She asks.

  “Well, I thought I was singing about feeling like an outcast, and not feeling happy about myself, but…”

  “But…?” She asks teasingly as she clips the hair on the back of my head.

  “But…” I continue softly. “I recently realized that I was unknowingly singing about being a trans girl.”

  “Oooh!” She says excitedly. “That’s really cool.”

  “Yeah…” I say softly. “I guess it is.”

  “Do you mind telling me about it?” She asks. “I haven’t really met many trans people, and I want to understand better.”

  “What exactly do you want to hear about?” I ask.

  “How did you figure out you were trans?” She responds as she starts trimming my sides.

  “That’s a long and complicated story…” I say softly.

  “Well…” She responds, equally hushed. “We have a few hours, and I don’t judge.”

  “Do you keep secrets?” I ask.

  “Of course, Doll.” She murmurs. “Although depending on what it is, I may try and convince you to tell your mom.”

  “Good enough.” I reply. “So it all started almost two months ago.”

  “Wait,” She says quickly. “Two months?”

  “Yeah?” I say questioningly.

  “And you’ve come this far, in two months.” She asks incredulously.

  “Yeah…?” I say softly, very confused.

  “Impressive.” She says with a quirky grin. “Please continue.”

  “Okay so, um…” I splutter. “It was te at night, and I got a text from the sister of this girl who hated me.”

  “Oh?” She says softly.

  “Hated isn’t the right word.” I expin. “She still hates me.”

  “I’m sorry, Doll.” She replies.

  “It’s fine.” I say apathetically. “Anyway, she told me she wanted to get to know me, to try and be friends. So we did. I went to her house to hangout, and we actually had a really great time.”

  “That’s good.” She says happily.

  “Yeah…” I say softly. “We hung out a few times, and she told me she had feelings for me, but was very confused about it, because she’s a lesbian.”

  She chuckles. “Dating a lesbian before you even knew you were a girl.”

  “She said she was worried that she was only attracted to the feminine parts of me, not the masculine parts.” I say, and take a breath. “So I switched to my girl voice.”

  “Wait,” She says. “You had a girl voice before you transitioned?” She asks.

  “Yea,” I ugh. “I learned it to prank people, but never actually did any pranking.”

  She giggles at me. “The closet was gss, huh?”

  “Yeah.” I say with a soft giggle. “Yeah…”

  She pulls away and tilts my chin up with a finger. “Beautiful.”

  “Yeah?” I ask.

  “Yeah.” She responds with a grin. “Take a look.”

  She steps out of the way, and lets me look in the mirror. “Whoa…” I say softly.

  My hair is only slightly shorter, except for the bangs which fall diagonally across my forehead. I don’t look that different, but at the same time, I look so much more feminine. A smile spreads across my face as I fully take in my looks.

  “I’m beautiful…”

  “You already were when you came in.” She says happily. “This is just a slight change.”

  “Thank you.” I say, my cheeks heating again.

  “Now,” She says excitedly. “Onto the bleach.”

  I watch with interest as she sets about mixing a white powder and a white viscous liquid into a bowl. That kinda looks like… I blush at the thought, and just watch. After a few more moments she walks over to me, a small pink brush in hand.

  “So she told you she had feelings for you, but was scared,” She says while she begins brushing the cold paste onto my hair. “And you showed her your girl voice.”

  “Right.” I say while trying not to cringe at the awful feeling on my scalp. “So she asked to put me in makeup, to see if that would help, and I said yes.”

  “That sounds a little unhealthy.” She says softly.

  “It was,” I admit. “But I was a little unhealthy too. Still am, probably.”

  “Fair enough.” She replies.

  “So she put me in makeup, and I loved it.” I expin. “From then on we started dating. Every time I went to her house, she would put me in her clothes and do my makeup. Over time I just kinda started to realize that I was happier like that. I would dread having to remove the makeup and clothes to go home.”

  “That makes a lot of sense.” Jocelyn comments. “You had a pce where you could be yourself around someone who supported you and cared for you.”

  “Apparently not…” I say glumly.

  “What?” She asks.

  “It’s ter on in the story.” I say. “So, one day Holly and I were um… This might be TMI.”

  “Go ahead.” She says with a friendly smile. “We’re just waiting for the bleach to dry now, so we’ve got plenty of time.”

  “Okay.” I say, and rotate my chair to face her. “So, we were having sex, and she yelled out ‘Emmy’, which was not my name at the time.”

  “Oh.” She says seriously.

  “Oh indeed.” I say with a smile. “I stopped everything, and asked her why she called me that. She told me that it was the name she was using for me. Showed me her phone and everything to prove it wasn’t a girl she was seeing.”

  “Makes sense, I guess.” Jocelyn says thoughtfully. “I would’ve thought she was cheating too.”

  “Yeah.” I agree. “But, as it turns out, Emmy was a name I already knew I liked, so I kept it.”

  “Oooh!” She says excitedly.

  “From then on I was Emmy, and Holly used she her pronouns for me.” I expin. “Then, a bit ter, I’m hanging out with her, her sister, her sister’s girlfriend, who I may be kinda sorta maybe dating soon,” I say, the words falling out. out of my control.

  “Oooh!” She excims. “Exciting! How did that happen?”

  “I’ll get there.” I say with a smile. “So, Holly’s sister outs me to her friends. Calls me by my deadname and misgenders me.”

  “I’m sorry.” She says softly.

  “S’fine.” I say apathetically. “Well, it wasn’t then. I had a bit of a panic attack and ran. Paige, May’s girlfriend, followed me. After Holly had brought me back a bit, Paige asked to speak with me alone.”

  “What did she want?” Jocelyn asks, clearly hanging on to my every word.

  “She talked about why I reacted so badly, and asked me a question that would change my life.” I say, and watch her lean forward slightly in suspense. “‘If you could go back to being a boy, and knew that Holly would stay with you, would you?’”

  “That’s a smart question.” Jocelyn says thoughtfully. “What did you tell her.”

  “I said I didn’t know.” I admit. “Later on though, I was thinking about it, and I realized that just the fact that I didn’t immediately say yes really says a lot. Alongside that I realized that I wouldn’t say yes. I liked who I had become, and I didn’t want her to go away.”

  “That’s really cute.” She says softly. “Hold onto that thought though, we need to wash out your hair. Follow me.”

  I stand up and follow her to a chair with its back to a sink. She directs me to lean back, and starts rinsing out my hair with warm water. Her fingers dive into my hair, and I have to hold back a groan as she massages my scalp.

  Once my hair is completely free of the chemicals, she pulls me up and dries off my hair with a towel, before having me walk back to her space. My wet hair rubs uncomfortably against my face, and I keep getting frustrated and trying to shove it away.

  Jocelyn giggles and starts blow drying my hair. The machine is loud and grates on my nerves, but the hot air feels nice. I take in a breath and nearly choke as hair is pulled momentarily into my windpipe.

  My stylist ughs and brushes the hair out of my face. I shudder slightly at the gentle touch of her finger against my face, and blush furiously. No. Bad Emmy. She’s way too old, and also you already have two people you want to be with. Jocelyn is just pretty and fun, nothing more.

  She squirts some dye from the bottle, and begins brushing it on my hair before speaking up. “Where were we?”

  “I was telling you how I figured out I was trans because of Paige’s question.” I remind.

  “Right,” She says thoughtfully. “Continue.”

  I clear my throat, and start speaking. “So afterwards I came out to my online friend. They called me an idiot for not realizing things sooner.”

  “Valid.” She replies.

  “Yeah.” I reply mely. “Then ter, I talked to my brother. Told him I was trans, and he didn’t take it great.”

  “I’m sorry, Doll.” She says softly.

  “He didn’t take it horribly.” I assure. “Just said that he needed time.” “I see.” She says. “Is he still figuring it out?”

  “No.” I expin. “He called me the next day to apologize and tell me he supports me, so we’re good.”

  “Good.” She says happily.

  “I came out to my parents right after.” I expin. “My mom was super supportive. My dad was too, but a little confused.”

  “Most dads are usually confused.” She says teasingly.

  “Yeah.” I say softly. “But yeah, after that things were good. My mom and I went shopping, then I went on a date with Holly. We had dinner, she bought a pair of rings for us, and then we went to see Wigglesword in the park.”

  “Sounds romantic.” She says with a cheeky grin.

  “Oh, it was.” I say with a smile. “I met a guy named Tyler while we were out. He comes up ter.”

  “Got it.” She replies, before squirting a few different colors of dye into different bowls.

  “Two days after our date,” I say, and feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes as I remember that day. “I was over at her house, and we were hanging out with her friends again. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, Holly was crying.”

  “What about?” She asks as she paints a bright blue-green onto my hair.

  “Not sure to be honest.” I respond. “I tried to comfort her, but she pushed me away, and told me she was breaking up with me.”

  “I’m sorry.” Jocelyn says sincerely.

  “It gets worse.” I say, trying and failing to lighten the mood. “I begged her not to leave me, and she deadnamed me. Told me I needed to go back to being a boy. Called me obsessed, said that I was crazy for letting her dress me up like a girl.”

  “Oh fuck…” Jocelyn says, her mouth hanging open.

  “Yeah…” I say softly. “I ran away. Ran all the way home. Didn’t even put on my shoes.”

  “Ouch.” She replies.

  “Yeah.” I say, and force a ugh. “Yeah… We had to go get them the next day on the way to my HRT appointment. From there, I started talking to Paige more. I also met up with Tyler again, and um… They both want to be with me.”

  “Oh wow!” Jocelyn says excitedly. “Good for you.”

  “Yeah…” I say with a sigh. “The problem is that I like them both. I don’t know how to even begin to choose who to go out with.”

  “Do you have to choose?” She asks.

  “I don’t know…” I say softly. “Probably. I don’t even know if I could be in a poly retionship, let alone if either of them would be okay with it.”

  “I get it.” She says softly. “I was wary when my girlfriend asked to open our retionship, but it’s been nice.”

  “I can see how it could be.” I admit. “I’m just not sure it’s for me.”

  “Fair enough.” She says with a smile. “What are you going to do about it?”

  “I don’t know.” I reply sourly. “For now I just want to wait. I have hangouts with both of them soon. Maybe that will give me some crity.”

  “Let’s hope.” She says with a grin. “Come on, let’s go wash out your hair.”

  We move back to the sink, and once again I have to bite my lip to avoid moaning at her touch. If I ever shower with Paige or Tyler, I am going to melt when they wash my hair. As that thought hits me, another one strikes twice as hard. Tyler doesn’t know I’m trans… I need to tell him, and soon. Monday, I suppose.

  After washing and conditioning my hair. Jocelyn blow dries it and styles it for me. It sits in much the way I’ve been doing it, but is entirely different with the new color. It’s perfect… The deep azure of the sky coats most of my head, but I can see sporadic shimmers of color shine through as I move.

  “How did you do this!?” I nearly shout, very much overjoyed.

  “I dyed the backs of the hair the colors.” She expins. “So it shimmers with it, instead of just existing there. I think it works better.”

  “It totally does!” I shout happily. “It’s perfect! Thank you so, so much!” “You’re welcome, Doll.” She says with a grin. “Come on, I saw your mom in the waiting area when I passed by.”